The Devil In Disguise

Diary of a Priest (2011)

Starring: Paul Bethany, Noel Coward, Dorf, Kal Urban Directed by: Charles Nelson Reilly Rating: PG-13 Genre: Religious

Review Odd remake of Fifties Bresson film casts former "Big Brother" runner-up Bethany as renegado religious tootsie roll Simon Stylites. Stylites, who dressed as a donkey and pulled carts of "special" wood knows as "faggots" used to incinerate witches, unbelievers and forest gnomes, would be somewhat baffled by Director Reilly's complete and utter misreading of Jesus' time in the desert trying to find John the Baptist's head. That said, Bethany is very good as a man who discovers that "under every rock is another rock under which a scorpion may lie" (Book of Mormon) and Australian premier league legend Kal Urban holds his own as a crippled boy whose accidental encounter with some holy spittal results in the ability to decapitate unbelievers via an awesome bicycle kick. For those who think "turn the other cheek" refers to half a pressed ham this may be just the ticket. Recommended.

Ninja Ass-in

Fat Ninja (2009)

Starring: Gravy Rain Directed by: McTard Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Super Trooper McTard ("V For Vendela") knows where the bodies are buried and disinters them with tremendous style in this thoughtful consideration of the costs associated with living a life of life-taking. Deaf Korean master chef/fashion model Gravy Rain ("Ghostly Vice Cops 4") stars as a man torn between eviscerating people with a curved shiv and growing lavender in the sun-soaked hills of Manitoba (the "Provence" of  western Canada). I won't give away his decision, but if I'd remembered to bring my reading glasses I'm sure I'd be reporting that Calgary will blossom for years to come. Not much more to say about this one, but before I conclude, I'd like to state how optimistic I am about the number of "foodies" making the jump to the big screen. Without food it's unlikely we'd even be an upright species (not enough protein-based energy), so we all owe a big shout-out to those who prepare it in ways that make it palatable.

Put Me Out of My Misery!

Final Destination 2009 (2009)

Starring: No one Directed by: Eli Hoste Rating: R Genre: Horror Other

Review Punky creep Ethan Hawkes ("Finally, Paris!") cheats The Grim Reaper in a game of 3-D checkers thereby dooming everyone he's ever known to a horrible death on a broken escalator. Huh? Hawkes, who must be sixty judging by his haggard smoker's skin and obvious hair "plugs," should have given this teen slasher role a pass. Instead he tries to play it like Marlin Brando ("Brando's Fat!") in a wife-beater, mouth-breathing inane lines like "My sister stabs harder than that" as though "Mississippi" Tennessee Williams was stroking his sand-blasted cheek. Ugh.  Mr. Hoste , if you must kill fifty teenagers in 83 minutes, how about at least skinning them for our enjoyment? Give this one a pass....