Been There. Done That.

Everest (2015)

Starring: James Brolin, Keira Knightley, Samson Worthington, Jake Gyllylenghall, Emily Longbottom Aleksandr Skarrsgard Directed by: Baltasar Korningdog Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action/Comedy

Review Comedy misfire in which a team of self-proclaimed "nerds" think they can "take" Everest by programming their brains and emotions into robots who are forced to do all of the hard work. Unfortunately Putin-lookalike Skarrsgard ("Willie Wonka 2: Death by Chocolate") has Russian mobsters program weather drones to rain on their parade.   Hollywired is clearly in thrall to Jeff "Amazon" Bozos and weirdball "futurist" hobbit-featured alien Ray "Kurzweil" who plan to "upload" themselves into Roomba vaccuum cleaners and "hoover" across the planet until they can figure out how to reverse the big bang and be there at their own births. Give this one a miss and check out "The Lives and Times of Grizzly Adams" for a movie about how a real man challenges the elements (clue: He guts a bear and inhabits its skin).

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Straight Outa Compton (2015)

Starring: O'Shea Jackson Jr,  Ray Parker Jr, Ernie Hudson Jr, Ice Cube Jr, Tiny Lister Jr, DJ Pooh Jr, TMac  Directed by: F. Gary Gray  Rating: R Genre: Horror/Comedy

Review Weirdball blaxpoitation remake of Ghostbusters somehow  actually works! Michael Jackson/Sinead O'Connor lovechild  O'Shea Jackson Jr is very affecting as the lead "buster"  Dr. O'Shea Jackson Jr (!) who leads a loveable band of  misfits, conmen and minor scientists on a mission to rid  NYC of the ghosts of violent racist policemen. The  finale, in which they detonate a giant marshmallow  version of bloated fathead Donald Trump just in time to  turn Central Park into a massive S'mores party almost  makes up for miserable Kanye West cameo as a street  preacher with a filthy mouth and a heart of gold.

Hesher, Saved From Drowning

Go For it, Hesher! (2011)

Starring: Joseph Gordon Levine, Rainmaker, Natalie Portman Directed by: Denny Terrio Rating: R Genre: Drama Other: Inspirational Dancing

Review In pre-war France the great Rene Clair made a series of films about a drunken clown who defiles middle class families, all with the name Boudu Sauve des Eaux. Forty years later a giant bearded genius named Zero Mostel destroyed the lives of his teenager daughters in David Lean's "Fiddler on the Roof." Now, fifty years on, out of nowhere, disco dance sensation Denny Terrio pulls a rabbit out of that same dirty, dirty hat with "Go For It, Hesher!" a quirky, quixotic romp through the sewers of the mind - with bells on! Terrio ("Stayin' Alive 2: Ontario Dreams!") elicits  electric performances from teen dream sensations David Gordon Levine and Natalie Portman as star-crossed lovers on a road paved with the diamonds of the stars trampled beneath their feet by dreams they can only imagine, and nightmares they can only dream do not occur to their imaginations. Levine ("Walking Tall 5: Pusser vs. Billy Jack", "Lightning Bug: The Adam Ant Story") is particularly fine as a pouty-lipped young circus roustabout with a skateboard, a penchant for Virginia Slims hidden in a pack of Djarum Blacks and a one way ticket to Palookaville. Portman, so good as tragic Norwegian skating sensation Sonje Heine ("Quisling On Ice"), takes it down a couple of notches here as Rita a girl who, on the cusp of her "Quincenera" - a latin ritual for girls in which the young initiate learns that only her brothers will be allowed to attend college, must choose between the Talmud and the dark red mesh open-toed dance shoe. What you think you've seen before turns before your eyes into a delicate mix of black blood sausage and jasmine incense - something unexpected yet fragrant, but not unplesantly so.  I won't give away the shock ending, but be sure to bring a friend with plenty of kleenex and a change of socks. Enjoy! p.s. Yes, that is Sting reciting the Kaddish during the shivah montage.

The Devil In Disguise

Diary of a Priest (2011)

Starring: Paul Bethany, Noel Coward, Dorf, Kal Urban Directed by: Charles Nelson Reilly Rating: PG-13 Genre: Religious

Review Odd remake of Fifties Bresson film casts former "Big Brother" runner-up Bethany as renegado religious tootsie roll Simon Stylites. Stylites, who dressed as a donkey and pulled carts of "special" wood knows as "faggots" used to incinerate witches, unbelievers and forest gnomes, would be somewhat baffled by Director Reilly's complete and utter misreading of Jesus' time in the desert trying to find John the Baptist's head. That said, Bethany is very good as a man who discovers that "under every rock is another rock under which a scorpion may lie" (Book of Mormon) and Australian premier league legend Kal Urban holds his own as a crippled boy whose accidental encounter with some holy spittal results in the ability to decapitate unbelievers via an awesome bicycle kick. For those who think "turn the other cheek" refers to half a pressed ham this may be just the ticket. Recommended.

Low Blow

SuckerPunch (2011)

Starring: Emily Brownbottom, Abbie Cornwall, Scott Glenn Directed by: Zack Snyder Rating: PG-13 Genre: Thriller

Review Terrific remake of "Shock Corridor" director Sam Fuller's "Snake Pit" with newcomer Emily Brownbottom in the Olivia D'Havilland role as a pretty young loony who connives with a young Carl Jung (John-John Ham) to convince an even younger and prettier heiress (Abbie Cornwall - "Fly Robin Fly - the Silver Convention Story") that her money is actually a nest of robot spider that can only be controlled through a series of grisly seduction/murders of the rest of the staff. Confusing, absurd and absolutely riveting in its exploration of the wisdom of young women and the bad choices we all make when we imagine that they are looking at us across a Starbucks when in fact we are all but invisible to anyone younger than 40.  Snyder, who previously turned a tiny incident in Spartan history into international hysteria (and inadvertently gave Colin Powell the "verve" pipe he needed to launch the second invasion of Iraq), here shows an uncanny ability to put his hand up a young actress and make her do his bidding.  Not for children, or adults of children, or for older ladies who incessantly question plot points and point out the children of former leading ladies, or really for anyone disturbed by the idea that our psychiatric institutions may be susceptible to "social engineering hacks". But for those remaining, a more-than-adequate substitute for the kind of pleasure we used to receive through physical contact on an occasionally Friday night drive-in rendezvous.

Good Sports

Dilemma (2011)

Starring: Vince Hogg, Jack Black Directed by: Ronald Howard Rating: PG-13 Genre: Dramedy  Other: Gay & Lesbian

Review Two married men discover, through their mutual obsession with sports, that man-meat is the choice of champions. Hogg ("Swingles", "Hot Topic: The Movie") is once again a slick, likeable mug with tight leather pants (in black AND brown!) in the back of his closet. Black ("Child-Eater", "Loaf: The Marvin Lee Aday Story") is as hot as sizzling bacon fat as his best friend and confidante. Howard, never strong on plot lines, manages to set 'em up and knock 'em down proficiently enough to stay out of the lovers' way. And do they ever! Congratulations, Mr. Howard, for showing us that sports can emulate life, and love will find its measure.

Ugly Duckling

BlackSwan (2010)

Starring: Natalia Portman, Milan Kundera Directed by: Darrell Arfelofsky Rating: R Genre: Horror

Review Fascinating remake of Shirley McClain's standout directing debut "The Turning Point" casts human sliver Portman as  "BlackSwan," a Russian agent in charge of decimating the backlog of American prima ballerinas in a desperate attempt to restart the Cold War. The film Arfelofsky ("Fountain: The Ayn Rand Story") has apparently wanted to make since he was a child. Cold as a Smirnoff ice house and just as glittering, this brilliant shard of a movie carved up the part of my brain that stayed engaged with it as thin a fine prosciutto. One doesn't "like" an Arelofsky movie - one just goes, sees, and is conquered.

Deaf in Venice

The Tourist (2010)

Starring: John Depp, Angelina Jolie, Richard Jenkins Directed by: DIRECTOR Rating: RATING Genre: GENRE Other Count Florenz von Donner Ziefeld

Review The great otherly-abled English boor  Boswell Johson once informed Queen Elizabeth that "both fish and guests stink after three days" but in that, as in so many other ways, he has been proved wrong yet again as mega-stars John Depp and Angelina Jolie rend the veil between acting and being as a pair of Americans who turn Venice (Italy) into a land of mystery and romance. Depp, whom we last saw as a murderous C.S. Lewis in "The Ripper", plays "Lance," a deaf-mute attorney with a facial tick who meets Jolie ("Envelop Me") in a communal sauna (known as a "vaporetto") when they both end up in the same towel. I won't give away the surprise, but let's just say that things are not quite what they seem with either of them, or Italy itself. Jolie is a dangerous actor who can steal the skin off a cat, dye it purple and sew it back on before the feline can order a half-decaffeinated soy chai, so German director von Ziegfeld ("The Lumpen") knew he needed what they call "weight" in the business. Rumor has it that the count had to buy Depp's way out of a Marseille prison. But it's all up there on the screen. Delightful scenery, mystery, strangely uncomfortable sexuality and suspense make this a delightful way to waste a Friday night. Congrats all around!

Enceintevized

DUDE DATE (2010)

Starring: Jack Black, Robert Downey  Directed by: Sean Phillips  Rating: R  Genre: Comedy

Review The great French philosopher Henry Bergson once defined comedy as "tragedy plus humor." Dude Date is a bit o'  Christmas fun with Jack Black back in form as a sleek walrus pup man-child shepherding the righteous Bob Downey through a series of hilarious escapades ending in a huge comedy action scene designed to astound and delight. The right medicine for a holiday filled with unemployment, murder, madness and the threat of future taxation. I may have to reconsider Mr. Downey's previous work in the light of his serious commitment to finding the deep truths that lie like gems waiting to be discovered in even the most mundane of situations (urinating on your shoes in a public restroom, for instance). Warning: Those sensitive to animal endangerment may want to avoid the middle third of this flick (a dog is mutilated and partially consumed by Mr. Black) though I am assured that this was all accomplished with a team of French special effects experts.

Nein? Nein!

Nine (2009)

Starring: Daniel Day-Lewes, Nicole Kid-Man, Penelope Cruise, Dame Judy Dench, Horatio Sanz, Rip Taylor, The June Taylor Dancers Directed by: Rob Marshall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Musical Other

Review If Ingmar Bergman is Swedish, then Rob Marshall must be Amsterdam and today must be Tuesday because Mr. Marshall is one of the last of the big game hunters left in Holly-wont. Who else would be bold enough to present the life of Sesame Street's "Count" as a musical styled after Marcelo Mastriani's weirdball life as an Italian and an actor at Cinecitta studios making films about sex maniacs in love with giant blonde Swedish actresses? Daniel Day-Lewes ("New York Murder Company, Inc.", "My Beautiful Foot") stars as the caped nightsucker whose obsession with numerology here is represented by scantily-clad globally-dispersed stars ranging from the fabulous Linda Hunt (as a crazy prostitute who eats children) to the gorgeous Sophia Loren (who plays a crazy prostitute who makes love to religious icons). I admit I was never quite clear what was going on, or who was singing or why, but Marshall made me so confident that he knew what it was about it that I slept quite comfortably. It won't be for everyone but those who could never watch the "Street" without wondering what it might have looked like dubbed by a drunken genius who has run out of ideas might find this just the ticket for a late afternoon work break.

His World And Welcome to It

Avatard (2009)

Starring: Siggy Weaver, Sam Worthingham Directed by: James "Jim" Cameron Rating: PG-13 Genre: Sci-Fi Other

Review Just as the Mighty One bestowed upon apes the knowledge of how to bash each other's heads in with their own bones, He seemingly has given James "Jim" Cameron the power to change the way music videos and infomercials will be made until the end of days. What once was Darwin's crazy folly has jumped into Vladimir Ilyich Lenin's hyper-driven super-egg and warped us all into a future where Jar-Jar Binks can seemingly read our minds from the other side of the looking glass, even when we're thinking about something as trivial as the shiny gloss of a really fresh Junior Mint, or loved ones far away, then Junior Mints again. After Einstein's annus mirabilis, we all slapped our collective foreheads when we realized how we'd all fallen for Newton's "apple" scam - the Earth was indeed as round as The Frizzled One's predictions had predicted. Crowds of infuriated Londoners dug up Newton's body and shipped it to France where it probably belonged in the first place, right next to Liebniz' dog-faced boy. In the same way, Mr. Cameron's theory that we live in a "3-D" dimensional world now seems as obvious (for instance, why is it only you notice that your toilet swirl counter-clockwise?). Putting the technical flash aside, Cameron has warped the weft of Sid Field's screenplay rulebook whole cloth, abandoing entire chunks of Platonic "wisdom" for something I have a feeling Mr. Cameron would call "Life." Well what is it, then? Imagine that you had given the Wachowski brothers permission to harvest your skull and hook it up to a giant movie machine housed in a theater shaped like a starship made of M&Ms. Does that help? Yes, there are still actors in Mr. Cameron's brave new world. But don't fall in love with them too much, because I suspect they will not be with us for long. Instead I foresee virtual "harvest farms" where plasmids are raised on the sloughed off cells of hair harvested from the combs of the greats (think Orson Wellies, Jeanette McDonald or, say, a young Wings Hauser). You'll be able to carry the entire Actor's Studio in a small snuff box! I recognize that I may be riding the giddy afterglow of movie magic, but, as this holiday season reminds us, don't look a gift mitzvah in the mouth.

Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem LovelyBones

LovelyBones (2009)

Starring: Matt Damon, Rachel Winslet, Stanley Tucker, Ash Wednesday Directed by: Peter "Pedro" Jackson Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Like a slighty creepy guy sporting a pencil-mustache and red velvet smoking jacket toying with a rich yet subtle Bordeaux, this critic detected notes of tamarind, tobacco and bacon in this fascinating study of the confluence of tragedy and hope. Somelier Jackson ("Mighty Orson Wellies", "The Laird of the Rings", "The Willies") uncorks a jeraboam of pain with real legs and a smooth finish that hints at wet dog rolled in dead sea lion. Based on an unpublished novel by "Little House on the Prairie" author Jim Thompson, the movie stars Little Samantha "Ash" Wednesday as "LovelyBones," a girl who fakes her own death by killing herself and then from the half-life spirit world leads her family to blame a local killer who confesses before he kills again in order to spare everyone another two hours of worry. Jackson, who has proved to be something of a chowderhead lately,  is really onto something here. He reminds me of a land crab wandering across eons of desert only to suddenly make a mad dash into a boiling sea. That hiss you hear is the sound of genius.

Friday Night Special - Night Of a Thousand Cuts

In The Cut (2003)

Starring: Megan Ryan, Marco Ruffantaglio, Keith Bacon Directed by: LaCatherine Breilliant Rating: R Genre: Romance Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review The strange and sexy world of "cutters" (people who cut themselves in order to remind themselves that they have blood) is explored by French director LaCatherine Breilliant ("The Waterlogged Piano", "J'aime Les Murs Salles", "Mon Père a etais Le Dernier Salle Roi de Maroc", "Les Spankings") in this nod to the lush Technicolor "womens" films of Douglas Sirk and Aldo Rey. Megan Ryan plays a writer recovering from an attack of bees incurred after following a bear into the woods who meets enticing Marco Ruffantaglio after he tears his t-shirt while repairing her dumbwaiter. Initially wildly attracted ("your mustache is like the parted hair of a well-groomed yeti"), she begins to suspect that he may have been involved in the ritual killings of a group of itinerant milkmaids. The story, based on a play by German plagiarist Frank Wedekind, is mostly an excuse for Breilliant to crank up the heat between the two stars. And it's true that we haven't seen such varied canoodling since Marlon Brando made "Irish" love to himself in the Jodorowsky-like epic "Missouri Jacks". But Ryan and Ruffantaglio make it work, sweating and struggling like a pair of weasels trying to dig their way out of a bed full of party coats. At four hours an twenty-two minutes, it could well seem a bit self-indulgent, but don't let that scare you off. Breilliant may be a touch "L'amour tojours" but this is one duck whose seductive quack is no decoy.

Flat Foxes

The Fanatical Mr. Fox (2009)

Starring: George Coonley, Bill Murray, Angie Dickinson Directed by: Alexander "Pain" Anderson Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other: CGI

Review In 1937 a Hungarian genius named "Mad" George Pal was carving a bar of soap into a more rounded bar of soap when it slipped out of his grip and directly into the mitts of a young feller named Walt Disney. Though nothing came of that particular moment, ten years later Disney created a talking rat, and the rest is history. Or is it? For resident wise-guy Alexander "Pain" Anderson, "history is bunk" and the future is 3-D dimensional computerized robots who will be telling us what to eat, how to drink and where to do our private business (hint: it won't be where you think). Mr. Anderson's current throne of ease is something called "The Fanatical Mr. Fox" and, like Pliny the Elder, I am here to bear witness to the end times so that those who follow us will at least know there were some of us who bore witness to the old ways that people entertained themselves before computers got "virtualized" and racks of "servers" replaced poppy fields in places like Afghanistan and the "Thai" triangle. Looked at rationally, the movie stilll presents "characters" speaking "dialogue" and interacting in "situations" that have a certain level of rising "conflict" resulting in a "climax" resolved in a "denoument." But that's where the similarity between "Foxes" and, say, "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" begins and ends. Mr. Anderson and his ilk have decided that the future belongs to them and those who aren't wearing exoskeletons made of titanium-encrusted iPhones and who have decided to bear their young "live" will have to find another way forward. I'm fine with that. But what about the children? The revolution can start today, and it's battle cry is "no more 3-D dimensional!"

Friday Night Special - Paved With Good Intentions

On The Road (2009)

Starring: Vigor Morgenstern, Ash "Scrappy" Montana, Charlene Thorzine Directed by: John Hillerman Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other: Scenes of Apocalypse

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review As the happy Mork-slaughtering hobblits sang, "The road goes ever on..." And does it ever in this misguided "reboot" of the popular post-war "Road To..." series. Originally penned by the bumbling Cohen brothers, former Magnum P.I. star John Hillerman churns Bob and Bing's idyllic butter into rancid sour cream, turning Dotty L'Amour-flavored Bali into a scarred earth that appears to have been bump-mapped from Abe Vigoda's tragic face. Vigor Mogenstern, so good as the mentally-challenged boxer in Peter Jackson's remake of "Fat City" is here teamed with enormously talented youngster Ash "Scrappy" Montana as a pair of fathers and sons who traipse across country searching for the last twinkie in the universe. Not a huge hook to hang this four-hundred minute sombrero upon, but Hillerman does what he can with the Cohens' global-warming nonsense. I personally was left with a tremendous sense of unease, which can't have pleased Mr. Walt Disney or his marketing minions beavering away in their fur-lined hidey-holes at their carpal-tunneling adding machines. And, while I reserve the right to disagree with Hillerman's wrong-minded conclusions, I'd fight an eighteen stone she-badger to defend his right to spout them. All in all, this may not be fatback, but rather very lean Canadian bacon. Those on a spiritual diet may be amused. The rest of us will have to exert enough self-control not to kill the theater staff and burn the mutliplex to the ground. And in the end, maybe that is the point Hillerman is after - conscience makes bastards of us all.

Woolly Thinking

The Mammoth (2009)

Starring: Gael Maria von Sayers, Michelle Williams, Krull Directed by: Lucas Tannerson Rating: NR Genre: Serial Drama Other

Review Like the temptation just before the last temptation of Jesus, I so wanted that tingly, ants-in-your-pants falling-in-love feeling from Lucas Tannerson's latest. Instead I left the theater feeling like I once felt after a dream where I was wearing my sister's underwear, and she was still in it. Tannerson ("Show Me Yours", "Fingerlings") manages to weave 345 completely separate and totally distinct storylines into a coherent whole that slowly, then suddenly reveals what God meant when he invented the platypus. Gael Maria von Sayers ("Loving Me a Dead Woman", "Los Dos Novias de Los Dos Hermanos Sacerdotes") is excellent as an absent-minded archaeologist who, while in the midst of reconstructing an ancient Giant Cowasaurus, remembers that he's left his daughter with Michelle Williams. The ensuing tragedy seems just a little off, like a bar of cream cheese with a small patch of blue-green fuzz. Not inedable, but not really appetizing. Tannerson is a skeeballer who valiantly tries for the 50 hole, but ends up with a fistful of nothing. That said, it's great to see the fabulous Charles Ruggles again, even if only as a bearskin rug.

Friday Night Special - Nine Is Too Much

The Ninth Song (2004)

Starring: Modesty Blaise, Rod Snow Directed by: Michael Vintnerbottom Rating: Unrated Genre: Explicit Romance Concert Movie Other: Distasteful Sexual Scenes

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review As a sage of my aquaintance once told me after visiting a special "show" in Tijuana "just because you can do something doesn't mean you should." Though I've seen dogs bathe parts of their bodies that make me question how there can be a God, I never quite understood the wisdom of this magus until I watched Michael Vintnerbottom's "The Ninth Song." Young hairless monkeys Modesty Blaise and Rod Snow "star" as a couple who meet at a "Wham" concert and spend the next seventy minutes playing tetris with various body parts, some of which I found myself unable to identify even on my anatomically-correct BatKat-customized Barbie and Ken dolls. Vintnerbottom, whose previous efforts included "The Laurence Sterne Experiment" and "Legend of Boggy Creek: The Road to Guantanamo" has produced something so romantically reductive that it makes the funk band Slave's "Snap Shot" seem like something Elizabeth Barett Browning might have sent Robert by donkey. It might be appropriate if you're studying for a pre-med midterm. Otherwise give this one a pass and download "Romancing the Stones."

A Very Wary Christmas

A Christmas Carol (2009)

	Starring: Jim Carrot, Colin Filth Directed by: Steven Spielberg Rating: G Genre: Holiday Other
Review Talk about Christmas in July! Hollywont's atheists refuse to learn - it's all about the scripts folks! And this one reads like A Very Brady Christmas penned by Sherwood Schwartz's lobotomized devil twin. Jim Carrot looks old, sad and tired, and Colin Filth is almost unrecognizeable as a singing andiron. Should have gone straight to the vidiots!

Friday Night Special - Fly, Robin Fly!

There's Something About Ameilia (2009)

Starring: Hilary Swunk, Sir Richard Gear Directed by: Catherine Breillat Rating: R Genre: Action Other: Female Flying Pantsuit

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Florid fever-dream troweled onto the screen by mad French pornographic "madame" Catherine Breillat. Hilary Swunk ("Lungs Are The Only Things") stars as a female version of bizarre fascist boytoy Sir Arthur Limburg who decides that she will cure the world of child abusers by flying around it without stopping. Swunk can be touching, particularly when she's dressed in her grey flightsuit, but Sir Richard Gear ("I Love All of Myself So Much", "American Gigolo in Paris") is miscast as a human businessman. And Breillat doesn't seem to understand that flying involves forcing air OVER the wings of the machine until it achieves lift. There's none of that kind of technical detail that would lead us to believe Amelia is actually "flying." Instead, we get endless dull "sex" scenes in which leaden Italian stallion Rico Suave seems bent on exposing his epiglottis to the back row. While it's clear that a woman could indeed fly a plane until it runs out of fuel, I'm not convinced that this woman could carry off such a feat. And without that willing suspension of disbelief that thoughtful spacemonkey Jim Carrey endlessly carries on about, it's difficult to believe that the twenty-five frames that burn our eyes every two seconds cohere into a story that will make us hold it in until we can't hold it in any longer. Verdict? Stay home and delight in the sexy petticoats of Miss Julie Andrews as she seduces the heck out of Dick Vandycke in Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.

Get Thee Behind Me Bergman

Anti-Christ (2009)

Starring: Wilhelm Dafoe, Carlotta Rampling Directed by: Lar Von Trier Rating: R Genre: Drama Other: Accents

Review Afro-Swedish person Von Trier is a mad genius, whose previous provocations "Motion Sickness", "Dogtown" and the Wilf Errell vehicle "Oldboy" have proven without a doubt that Schopenhauer was right when he complained in his essay on noise that "a wagonful of dung can kill in the bud a thousand minds." His latest, "Anti-Christ", asks the question "is Wilhelm Dafoe a human or is he a muppet formed from the molted remains of some kind of human/insect hybrid"? No easy answers here.  Instead, the chubby Swede with the naturally glossy eyebrows challenges us to watch the screen for five hundred and fify-three straight minutes until we long for the days when human hairs trapped between the celluloid and the projector's lamp jumped and danced for our amusement. Of course Von Trier IS the eponymous anti-Christ of the title. Christ was a gentle, loving man who understood our need for wine at critical times in our gestation. Von Trier wisely offers us no other narcotic than the luminous byproduct of his furious cranium. By the halfway point most of the bussed-in children and their foreign exchange counterparts had already left the theater, and those that remained showered the adults in the first two rows with Jujubees until one elderly gentleman threatened an usher with some kind of wolf-headed cane. And by the time Dafoe's flaking carapace made love to similarly Triscuit-skinned French/English cannibal Carlotta Rampling, one half the crowd was singing Queen's masterpiece "Bohemian Rhapsody" in a round while the other half had pinned the projectionist under the handicapped seating and appeared to be trying to tear him in half with a series of slings made of red whips. It's the kind of thing that won't show up in the box score the next day, but the film-scholar Sabremetricians of the future will surely mark its significance. I had to leave a bit early, but I was definitely curious how it all worked out. Can any filmmaker ask more?