Friday Night Special - The Lower Depths

The Interned (2015)

Starring: Robert De Deniro, Amy Adams Directed by: Dame Nancy Meyers Rating: PG Genre: Drama

Review Director and former basketball wunderkind Meyers ("The Diaper", "Hungry Architects", "Dog Walkers 2: The Elder Strolls") knocks it out of the park yet again with this chilling, sexy thriller about young people and the old people who won't stop calling them on their land lines. Adams ("Beaver People", "Diverticulicious: The Eating of Julia Child") stars as a put-upon web "billionaire" whose startup rockets to the top of the intertubes by providing a mobile "app" that matches up women terrified of commitment with men so old that it shouldn't be an issue. De Deniro, so fabulous as the fat, psychopathic rabbi in Dayvid Fincher's "Rabbid" turns yet another cheek as a man so old and so unpleasant that Adams can't resist him. Some will have to look away as they commit sex in the New York Athletic Club's members-only humidor. But if there was ever a reason for 3-D dimensional, this was it. Include me in!

Been There. Done That.

Everest (2015)

Starring: James Brolin, Keira Knightley, Samson Worthington, Jake Gyllylenghall, Emily Longbottom Aleksandr Skarrsgard Directed by: Baltasar Korningdog Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action/Comedy

Review Comedy misfire in which a team of self-proclaimed "nerds" think they can "take" Everest by programming their brains and emotions into robots who are forced to do all of the hard work. Unfortunately Putin-lookalike Skarrsgard ("Willie Wonka 2: Death by Chocolate") has Russian mobsters program weather drones to rain on their parade.   Hollywired is clearly in thrall to Jeff "Amazon" Bozos and weirdball "futurist" hobbit-featured alien Ray "Kurzweil" who plan to "upload" themselves into Roomba vaccuum cleaners and "hoover" across the planet until they can figure out how to reverse the big bang and be there at their own births. Give this one a miss and check out "The Lives and Times of Grizzly Adams" for a movie about how a real man challenges the elements (clue: He guts a bear and inhabits its skin).

Last One Out, Turn off the Lights

Green Hornet (2011)

Starring: Sith Rogan, JayChow Directed by: Mitchell Gondry Rating: PG-13 Genre: Suspense Other: Superhero

Review Fat, gray onanist Rogan turns his belly button into a foul spewpipe, "riffing" on one non-sequitur after another as he desperately seeks to talk his way clear of this pig offal of a script (by once-brilliant "novelist of the future" Jay "Gatsby" McInerney). Former Michael Jordan bodyguard and sidekick JayChow hangs on to Rogan's side blubber like a homesick remora. What exactly are we to make of what probably once looked like a "can't miss" idea before the likes of casting Godfather "Lyn" Stallmaster and evil supergenius Michael Ovidz put their morganetic spell upon it? Imagine a carpet the size of the Astrodome made of upturned mouths all screaming their agony in unison, only to be met by a hailstorm of Wilf Errol's special "menudo" stewed in the flopsweat of a hundred Zach Galfianikakiliases. Congratulations, you're a tenth of the way there. Leave EVERYONE home, and enjoy the simple pleasures of Mr. Tony Randall. You'll thank me.

From The Vault - No Fool Like a Young British Fool

Pride and Prejudiced (2005)

Starring: Keira Winslet, Dame Joan Sutherland, Directed by: Mighty Joe Young Rating: RATING Genre: GENRE Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review The British they are different than you and me. Take for instance this prickly bit of pear dug up from the boneyard orchard of 18th century writing which seeks to compare the horrors of being ignored at a fancy dance ball to slavery. Not sure what particular brand of "tea" young director Mighty Joe Young ("King Kong In Love") might have been sipping when he "greenlighted" this thing, but I suggest he take a look at Mr. Stephen Spielberg's "Amadeustad" for a history lesson. Stick that in your british crumpet and smoke it!

The Blonde Leading the Blonde

The Blind Side (2009)

Starring: Sandra Bollock, Chet Atkins, Quintus Virgilius Grammaticus Directed by: "Hancock" Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other: Other-Abledness

Review With the efficiency of a Japanese Lorena Bobbit working the adulterer's table at a Manassas Benihana's the usually workmanlike "Hancock" ("Hancock's Hancock") cuts through the typical Hollywooden nonsense and soars like a great white pigeon against a luminous blue sky. Newcomer Virgilius Grammaticus stars as "Bronco", a former gridiron great who loses his sightedness after trying to go "both ways" in the big game against the big team. Forced into the only life available to the blind - masseusing -  he developes the devastating ability to play both ends against the middle. Through Hancock's masterful montages (underscored by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir's breathtaking polyphonic "Walking on Sunshine") "Bronco" discovers that as long the middle holds, the ends will grow green shoots, and life will not be denied. Sandra Bollock and Chet Atkins are wonderful as Grammaticus' parents who, though initially rejecting him when he trades the pigskin of the football for the goatskin of a massage table, each lend him a single eye so he throw the big pass that makes the scoreboards explode in ecstasy. Just when you thought the sports movie was the runner who stumbled, "Hancock" forces open its lips, runs his tongue around its mouth clearing obstacles and breathes the sweet Orbit-gum-enhanced breath of life into its stunted lungs. Job well done!

A Very Wary Christmas

A Christmas Carol (2009)

	Starring: Jim Carrot, Colin Filth Directed by: Steven Spielberg Rating: G Genre: Holiday Other
Review Talk about Christmas in July! Hollywont's atheists refuse to learn - it's all about the scripts folks! And this one reads like A Very Brady Christmas penned by Sherwood Schwartz's lobotomized devil twin. Jim Carrot looks old, sad and tired, and Colin Filth is almost unrecognizeable as a singing andiron. Should have gone straight to the vidiots!

Through the Smooching Glass

The Mirror Has Two Phases (1996)

Starring: Barabra Streisand, Dennis Quaid Directed by: Lauren Bacall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romance Other: Frank Sensuality

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review When twilight time is nigh and the kiddies have drifted off to slumberland, that's the time I like to call "Barabra Time" because rarely has La Dama De Las Camelias let me down. And "The Mirror Has Two Phases" delivers like bacon-breath at a hoedown. First-time director Lauren Bacall ("To Have or Not To Have") wisely just gets out of the camera's way and lets the chemicals spurt forth in all their spouty grandeur. Lucky Dennis Quaid ("Oh Brother!", "Capricorn and Hotpants") must have gone through a Costco-sized case of lip balm to get through this shoot as he proves time and time again to Barabra's "Rose" Morgan, a prissy schoolmarm with a marmot for a heart and legs like Abe Lincoln ("just tall enough for my pants to stay on"). By the time Quaid figures out that "Rose" isn't a man, it's too late. He's already in love! Featuring Oscar-winning song "Sleeping With My Mirror 'Cause It Looks Like Me", the flick is guaranteed to to have both of you waking up inside a single nightshirt. I guarantee it!

Happi? Whi Yys!

The Pursuit of Happyness(2006)

Starring: Will E. Smith Directed by: Gabriele Muccino Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Forgive the impertinence, but who made Will E. Smith God, with the power of life and death over the mere mortals who are so obliging as to attend his films? Whomever the deity-maker is, I want to thank him once again because Singer/Dancer Will E. Smith is "THE BOMB." Dazzlingly innovative director Muccino (once the loveable "Huggy Bear" from TV's Baretta) finds the humanity lurking inside even the ugliest, most threatening bum. Look for a cameo by Smith compadre Kid-And-Play as a hilariously fey "chorizo" salesman. BTW (by the way), ten bonus points for figuring out the mystery behind the mispelling of the title. Hint: think different!

Fighting The Good Fight

Cinderella Man (2005)

Starring: Russell Crowe, Andy Kauffman Directed by: Opie Howard Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review When roughneck sailor Russell Crowe (Russell Crowe's Gladiator) is arrested for swearing at some children he breaks away from his two jailor/sailor friends and hides himself in a boxing ring where Andy Kauffman discovers him drunkenly shadow-boxing another fighter's shadow. Kauffman quickly cashes in on the torpid dumbo, raking in thousands of dollars for each smashed face his ward can produce. But what about the big fight against the champ? Can he smash his face in? Opie Howard, now a veteran of more than 1,000 movies, has a sure touch for this kind of material, and he brings it on home with fight scenes so palpably real that you can't even tell what's going on. Loveable kook Renee Zelwegger (Bridget Jones vs. The City) once again makes us believe that if love has wings then even tubby girls can fly! All in all the kind of satisfying smackmouth adventure to lead us into a summer made glorious by this son of Rocky. Enjoy!

Hut One! Hut Two! Live!

The Longest Yard (2005)

Starring: Adam Sandeler, Burt B. Reynolds Directed by: Peter Segal Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Sometimes the longest yard is the yard that's the hardest to get. It's as true in game of life as it is in the game of football. This "dramedy" about picking yourself up and dusting yourself after the kind of "hard tackles" that God (in the form of a 6'8" prison guard) can throw at you is both moving and occasionally amusing. Director Peter Segal (Jonathan Livingston Seagull) casts crinkly ex-macho guy Burt B. Reynolds (The Longest Yard) as a sad-sack con looking for one more shot at the big time. When pro football legend Adam Sandeler (Pee Wee's Big Adventure) shows up for knocking his old lady around a little bit, Reynolds latches onto him like a porcupine on another porcupine. The result? I won't spoil it for you, but let me just say that it's the most exciting and occasionally amusing football game in movie history. Not a lot of pulchritude here for those looking for female eye-candy, but I would expect gay males to find something to their liking amongst the arrayed beefcake. All should enjoy this glorious tribute to the game that only America can play to win.

Murry Alternately Hilarious and Moving

Scrooged (1988)
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	Starring: Bill Murry, Karen Allen Directed by: John Landis Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other
Review Bill Murry nails it in this high-spirited(!) and ultimately moving portrayal of that seminal Grouch - Scrooge. Murry and director John Landis discover the humanity behind the grotesque mask that is Murray's war-torn landscape of a face. An instant classic for the whole family to enjoy while slugging down the grog around the fiery yule.