Last One Out, Turn off the Lights

Green Hornet (2011)

Starring: Sith Rogan, JayChow Directed by: Mitchell Gondry Rating: PG-13 Genre: Suspense Other: Superhero

Review Fat, gray onanist Rogan turns his belly button into a foul spewpipe, "riffing" on one non-sequitur after another as he desperately seeks to talk his way clear of this pig offal of a script (by once-brilliant "novelist of the future" Jay "Gatsby" McInerney). Former Michael Jordan bodyguard and sidekick JayChow hangs on to Rogan's side blubber like a homesick remora. What exactly are we to make of what probably once looked like a "can't miss" idea before the likes of casting Godfather "Lyn" Stallmaster and evil supergenius Michael Ovidz put their morganetic spell upon it? Imagine a carpet the size of the Astrodome made of upturned mouths all screaming their agony in unison, only to be met by a hailstorm of Wilf Errol's special "menudo" stewed in the flopsweat of a hundred Zach Galfianikakiliases. Congratulations, you're a tenth of the way there. Leave EVERYONE home, and enjoy the simple pleasures of Mr. Tony Randall. You'll thank me.

Nein? Nein!

Nine (2009)

Starring: Daniel Day-Lewes, Nicole Kid-Man, Penelope Cruise, Dame Judy Dench, Horatio Sanz, Rip Taylor, The June Taylor Dancers Directed by: Rob Marshall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Musical Other

Review If Ingmar Bergman is Swedish, then Rob Marshall must be Amsterdam and today must be Tuesday because Mr. Marshall is one of the last of the big game hunters left in Holly-wont. Who else would be bold enough to present the life of Sesame Street's "Count" as a musical styled after Marcelo Mastriani's weirdball life as an Italian and an actor at Cinecitta studios making films about sex maniacs in love with giant blonde Swedish actresses? Daniel Day-Lewes ("New York Murder Company, Inc.", "My Beautiful Foot") stars as the caped nightsucker whose obsession with numerology here is represented by scantily-clad globally-dispersed stars ranging from the fabulous Linda Hunt (as a crazy prostitute who eats children) to the gorgeous Sophia Loren (who plays a crazy prostitute who makes love to religious icons). I admit I was never quite clear what was going on, or who was singing or why, but Marshall made me so confident that he knew what it was about it that I slept quite comfortably. It won't be for everyone but those who could never watch the "Street" without wondering what it might have looked like dubbed by a drunken genius who has run out of ideas might find this just the ticket for a late afternoon work break.

Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem LovelyBones

LovelyBones (2009)

Starring: Matt Damon, Rachel Winslet, Stanley Tucker, Ash Wednesday Directed by: Peter "Pedro" Jackson Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Like a slighty creepy guy sporting a pencil-mustache and red velvet smoking jacket toying with a rich yet subtle Bordeaux, this critic detected notes of tamarind, tobacco and bacon in this fascinating study of the confluence of tragedy and hope. Somelier Jackson ("Mighty Orson Wellies", "The Laird of the Rings", "The Willies") uncorks a jeraboam of pain with real legs and a smooth finish that hints at wet dog rolled in dead sea lion. Based on an unpublished novel by "Little House on the Prairie" author Jim Thompson, the movie stars Little Samantha "Ash" Wednesday as "LovelyBones," a girl who fakes her own death by killing herself and then from the half-life spirit world leads her family to blame a local killer who confesses before he kills again in order to spare everyone another two hours of worry. Jackson, who has proved to be something of a chowderhead lately,  is really onto something here. He reminds me of a land crab wandering across eons of desert only to suddenly make a mad dash into a boiling sea. That hiss you hear is the sound of genius.

Hut One! Hut Two! Live!

The Longest Yard (2005)

Starring: Adam Sandeler, Burt B. Reynolds Directed by: Peter Segal Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Sometimes the longest yard is the yard that's the hardest to get. It's as true in game of life as it is in the game of football. This "dramedy" about picking yourself up and dusting yourself after the kind of "hard tackles" that God (in the form of a 6'8" prison guard) can throw at you is both moving and occasionally amusing. Director Peter Segal (Jonathan Livingston Seagull) casts crinkly ex-macho guy Burt B. Reynolds (The Longest Yard) as a sad-sack con looking for one more shot at the big time. When pro football legend Adam Sandeler (Pee Wee's Big Adventure) shows up for knocking his old lady around a little bit, Reynolds latches onto him like a porcupine on another porcupine. The result? I won't spoil it for you, but let me just say that it's the most exciting and occasionally amusing football game in movie history. Not a lot of pulchritude here for those looking for female eye-candy, but I would expect gay males to find something to their liking amongst the arrayed beefcake. All should enjoy this glorious tribute to the game that only America can play to win.

Murry Alternately Hilarious and Moving

Scrooged (1988)
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	Starring: Bill Murry, Karen Allen Directed by: John Landis Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other
Review Bill Murry nails it in this high-spirited(!) and ultimately moving portrayal of that seminal Grouch - Scrooge. Murry and director John Landis discover the humanity behind the grotesque mask that is Murray's war-torn landscape of a face. An instant classic for the whole family to enjoy while slugging down the grog around the fiery yule.