Good Sports

Dilemma (2011)

Starring: Vince Hogg, Jack Black Directed by: Ronald Howard Rating: PG-13 Genre: Dramedy  Other: Gay & Lesbian

Review Two married men discover, through their mutual obsession with sports, that man-meat is the choice of champions. Hogg ("Swingles", "Hot Topic: The Movie") is once again a slick, likeable mug with tight leather pants (in black AND brown!) in the back of his closet. Black ("Child-Eater", "Loaf: The Marvin Lee Aday Story") is as hot as sizzling bacon fat as his best friend and confidante. Howard, never strong on plot lines, manages to set 'em up and knock 'em down proficiently enough to stay out of the lovers' way. And do they ever! Congratulations, Mr. Howard, for showing us that sports can emulate life, and love will find its measure.

Deaf in Venice

The Tourist (2010)

Starring: John Depp, Angelina Jolie, Richard Jenkins Directed by: DIRECTOR Rating: RATING Genre: GENRE Other Count Florenz von Donner Ziefeld

Review The great otherly-abled English boor  Boswell Johson once informed Queen Elizabeth that "both fish and guests stink after three days" but in that, as in so many other ways, he has been proved wrong yet again as mega-stars John Depp and Angelina Jolie rend the veil between acting and being as a pair of Americans who turn Venice (Italy) into a land of mystery and romance. Depp, whom we last saw as a murderous C.S. Lewis in "The Ripper", plays "Lance," a deaf-mute attorney with a facial tick who meets Jolie ("Envelop Me") in a communal sauna (known as a "vaporetto") when they both end up in the same towel. I won't give away the surprise, but let's just say that things are not quite what they seem with either of them, or Italy itself. Jolie is a dangerous actor who can steal the skin off a cat, dye it purple and sew it back on before the feline can order a half-decaffeinated soy chai, so German director von Ziegfeld ("The Lumpen") knew he needed what they call "weight" in the business. Rumor has it that the count had to buy Depp's way out of a Marseille prison. But it's all up there on the screen. Delightful scenery, mystery, strangely uncomfortable sexuality and suspense make this a delightful way to waste a Friday night. Congrats all around!

Enceintevized

DUDE DATE (2010)

Starring: Jack Black, Robert Downey  Directed by: Sean Phillips  Rating: R  Genre: Comedy

Review The great French philosopher Henry Bergson once defined comedy as "tragedy plus humor." Dude Date is a bit o'  Christmas fun with Jack Black back in form as a sleek walrus pup man-child shepherding the righteous Bob Downey through a series of hilarious escapades ending in a huge comedy action scene designed to astound and delight. The right medicine for a holiday filled with unemployment, murder, madness and the threat of future taxation. I may have to reconsider Mr. Downey's previous work in the light of his serious commitment to finding the deep truths that lie like gems waiting to be discovered in even the most mundane of situations (urinating on your shoes in a public restroom, for instance). Warning: Those sensitive to animal endangerment may want to avoid the middle third of this flick (a dog is mutilated and partially consumed by Mr. Black) though I am assured that this was all accomplished with a team of French special effects experts.

The Gland That Time Forgot

Did You Hear About The Parkinsons? (2009)

Starring: Hugely Grand, Sarah-Jessica Michelle Gland Directed by: Marky Marc Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Drama Other

Review After Gland ("Sin-derella", "The Sixties And Their Discontents", "Porpoise-Eaters") witnesses Grand strangling a prostitute during a payoff gone wrong, the two hightail it out of Gotham only to land in a small town besieged by insane hill people. Presposterous, violent, stupid and sexy, this seemingly-forgotten Christmas flick has it all. I won't give away the shock ending but suffice it to say you'll never try to catch a glimpse of your anus in a floor-to-ceiling mirror again! Check it out!

Dog Days

Odd Dogs (2009)

Starring: Robin William, John-John Travolta  Directed by: Walter Fagen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Drama Other

Review Passion comes in all sizes and shapes but one thing we can all agree upon is that the ineffable spark that separates love from sexual infatuation can often be found in the damndest places. Senior circuit director Walter Fagen ("Wild Dogs", "Talkers", "Walkers", "Walking and Talking", "Old Talkers", "Talking Dogs", "Hog Walkers") helms this beast with the sure authority of a dingo gnawing a lost baby. Master "caster" Keith Wolfe pulled off a major coup landing veterans Robin William ("Shlomo and the Dude", "The Toy") and John-John Travolta ("Tonka Toy: The Movie", "Stayin' Alive!") who star as a pair of travelling salesmen who are purchased at auction by a pair of seven-year-old twins with hair like spun gold and mouths straight out of "The Last Detail." After a series of hijinks simultaneously hilarious and heart-breaking, the two gents are cast adrift on a giant inflatable porpoise where, after seven days and nights sharing a uric nightcap, Travolta breaks down and begins speaking in tongues. I won't give away the ending, but I have to say that watching masters of any field doing what they do at the top of their game - whether its master bantam rooster breeder Anthony de Piante or Japanese submariner Masaji Hiramatsu - is a sincere pleasure that should not be underestimated. It won't change your mind about Jesus, but it just might get you through the night.

The Day The Earth Jumped About

2012: The Year That Time Forgot (2009)

Starring: John Le Cuisak, Tandy Beal Newton, Rebecca Romero Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review Like an MMO (massively mutiliated objects) version of Gnip-Gnop played with the flayed corpses of people not beautiful enough to become movie stars and too dumb to stay away from the John Robert Powers modeling agency, Wolfgang Petersen's 2012: The Year That Time Forgot keeps score the old fashioned way. Petersen, who is perhaps best remembered for his taut submariner flick Das Boot (The Boot), appears to have taken long-time friend and confident Uma Merkel's advice and "gone for the gold," with a film so dumb it it should have been narrated by Wilf Errel's belly button. Former teen idol John Le Cuisak ("The Seven Kingdoms", "Wish I'd Said That") drops lead guitar duties just long enough to dance, prance and dangle puppet-like in front of a "green" screen so that he can be digitally inserted into whatever action-packed scenic fissure Petersen thinks he might fit, which may account for his growing likeness to a vagrant stumbling into a walrus pelt enrobed in salt-encrusted chocolate. Clearly my mind wandered into sad and gossipy places while considering Mr Petersen's filmus terribilus.  With all that said, what ends up on the screen is palpably thrilling with (spoiler alert!) special effects unrivaled since "The Dark Crystal" stole the souls of young 'uns everywhere. As the "Dramatics" so ably put it lo those many years ago "if what you're looking for is real loving, then what you see is what you get." How many of our significant others can live up that? If The Germinator can deliver us for four or five hours from the tragedy that is global warming by presenting the earth destroyed in both fire and ice, I say bring on like a naughty spanking to a rich, impotent old man!

Nuns With the Runs

St Trinians Abbey (2009)

Starring: Rupert Firth, Vanessa Redgrave Directed by: Terrence Rattigan Rating: X Genre: Adult Other

Review When Abbess Vanessa Redgrave ("Two Mules for Yasir", "Julia on Spirits") introduces the nuns to twisted joys of absinthe the nunnery dissolves into an extended orgy of madness, raising the question "What did God Mean?" Excuse me, Pele died for this? Filthy nonsense supposedly from an original idea by Orson Wellies that was probably meant to capsize the entire British film industry. Rattigan ("Lisztorama") should be ashamed and Firth and Redgrave should have known better. Go down your local rental agency and surreptitiously pour Drano on all the copies you can find.

I'm Going To Watch Forever

Fame (2009)

Starring: Judd Hirsch, Einstein Serious Directed by: Kevin Bacon Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other: Dancing

Review Uplifting remake of Travolta 80's masterpiece "Stayin' Alive". Judd Hirsch ("King of the Gypsies", "King of the Gypsies 2: Gippin'") stars as curdmudeonly dancemaster with a wooden leg for tapping out the beats and a glass eye for spotting talent. Actor/Director Bacon brings home the bacon for mama here with a big old-fashioned barn-dance of a flick repleat with a dorky nerd who invents the boom box (Aussie stick-insect Einstein Serious), a beautiful girl with voice like an angel and a terrible secret (spoiler alert! the tiny, shriveled remains of her dead sister are still very "attached") played by oddly bulbous vixen Maria Carrey and voiced by her brother Tim, and a hot-blooded latina cello player with a liking for Mr. Jack Daniels. Corny? By all means! Cliched? Yessirreebob! But a delight nonetheless. Don't miss the big finale where the entire cast dances their way through every orifice of a butchered Right Whale being towed out to sea by none other than tugboat captain Kareem Abdul Jabbar!

Baby Splitters

Surrogate (2009)

Starring: Bruce Willits Directed by: Jonah Moscow Rating: R Genre: Action/SciFi Other

Review 100% pure skunk juice. Begoated chrome-dome Bruce Willits ("The Whole Ten Yards", "The Sick Sense")  stars as a man who gives birth to smaller and smaller versions of himself, until finally he needs to make a huge robotic version of himself in order to see into the world that his tiny selves have built. A fascinating idea wasted by director Moscow ("Moscow on the Hudson", "Termites 3Dimensional") whose one big idea is that people in the future will dress like John Travolta in "Saturday Night-Fever". Personally, I'd wait for the comic book.

What If There Was Love?

Love Happens! (2009)

Starring: Aaron Sorkin, Jennifer Anniston, Michael Sheen Directed by: Brandon Camp Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romantic Comedy Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Fantastically talented five-tool threat Aaron Sorkin ("You Can't Handle Love", "When The Studios Were Kings", "Flattop and The Choctaw") acts, writes and directs (under the banally obvious "Brandon Camp") this alternately hysterical and devastating ode to the kind of love only possible when death brings you face to face with the fact that love is all that is left before we die. Anniston ("Career Day", "Fat Suit"), who can be strangely inert, here glows like a plump, rosy, pregnant irishwoman as Eloise - the abandoned love child of cruel executive Donald Trump and "The Prelate of Hate" hotelier/queen bitch Martha B. Stewart. When in the depths of depression Anniston challenges Sorkin to a thumb-wrestle and accidentally breaks off the digit, love can't be far behind. But Sorkin - as the unacknowledged love-child of loony Panglossian optimist Normal Vincente Peale - keeps occasionally remembering his dead wife which causes him to fall into such a funk that only Anniston's irresistible giggle can bring him out of. The two are sheer chemical alchemy, the filmic equivalent of blanched asparagus. I would be remiss if I didn't also mention the knockout performance of flabby, drunken Zamboni-driver Michael Sheen ("Nixon: The Musical", "Gumball Rally 15", "Werewolf Priest", "Corked!"). This is the kind of movie that can bring your lover's pot to a boil. Turn on the gas!

Sweet Emotion

I Can Be Bad By Myself (2009)

Starring: Hope Lange, Steven Tyler Perry, Eddie Wizzard Directed by: Steven Tyler Perry Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Somewhat predictable, but enjoyable flick about a group of juvenile deliquents forced by an enormous cross-dressing termigant (Eddie Wizzard ("Bloody Beatle") into acting as butlers to a spoiled princess (a story clearly based on the late, great mouser, Eartha Kitt). Of course in the end everyone learns the golden rule but as Gandhi never let us forget, it's the journey, not the destination. I've got to hand it to former Journey helmsman Steven Tyler Perry ("Any Way You Want Your Big Seven Inch"), I didn't think he had it in him. But with age sometimes comes wisdom, and the broken hearted man-girl with the cloven tongue and the soft, soft hands digs deep here. Credit where credit is due.

Call Me When It's Over

Kicking and Screaming (2005)

Starring: Wilf Errel, Robert Duval Directed by: Bob Dylan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Hollywood has a name for films like Kicking and Screaming. They're called "high-concept" projects, and more likely than not they were "pitched" by some shark-suited twenty-two year old in a black spandex t-shirt and Angel Flight disco slacks his daddy left him when he moved to Arizona with his hot-pants secretary. He's calling in a favor, making a deal by combining a number of his clients in a project whose story that can be summarized in thirty seconds by a panda bear with finger paints. One question - why, Mr. Dylan? Why? Is this your revenge for the poor reception of Renaldo and Clara? You, sir, are bigger than the business. Please return to your seat until the airplane has come to a complete stop. That said, Wilf Errel is very good.

Healthy, Wealthy and Wise. Wealthy, Anyway.

National Treasure (2004)

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Diane Kruger Directed by: Saul Turteltaub Rating: PG Genre: Action Other

Review Hulking nimrod Nick Cage plays reincarnated Benjamin Franklin who has returned for the treasure he buried during the civil war in this pitilessly entertaining riff on the founding fathers. Cage (Baking Arizona) is alternatingly hilarious, moving and terrifying as the man who brought us the potbellied stove, term life insurance and lightning - a madcap rogue with false teeth and a snappy patter who, the movie would have us believe, convinced George Washington and Abe Lincoln to "put a little away for a rainy day." When he awakes in 2004 in the body of a clodhopping archaeologist its off to the races. For those of you who have spent a Denny's moment pondering the giant eye on the back of the one dollar bill, this movie may be what you've been looking for. For the rest of us, it's just solid entertainment. Bung ho, Hollywood, and thanks!

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (2003)

Starring: Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey Directed by: Donald Petrie Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Love can be difficult and painful. One puts one's heart on the line only to see it either trampled as the love object rumbles past toward some creep with brilliantined hair and a fake rolex, or looks on in horror as it is dissected into tiny pieces of sushi by an assassin trained in the fine art of clock dismemberment. Who among us can claim to have escaped the exquisite torture of watching a trusted loved one betray every principle she claimed to worship, all for a hairy little man with a soul patch and a Subaru QRX? As the brilliant Burt Bacharach once wrote: love stinks. And yet the suits in Hollywood would have us believe love is a valentine wrought in gold filigree upon the New York skyline by young, attractive foolish people with nothing more to lose than a steak dinner and a missed trip to the 24 Hour spa. Wake up! I cannot recommend this, unless your soul has grown a patch and made the quick trip to hell with a beautiful heartless blonde maenad from Minnesota who goes by the name of Tammy.

Creepy Look at a Fascinating World

Taking Lives(2004)
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Starring: Angelina Jolie, Ethan Hawke Directed by: D.J. Caruso Rating: Unrated Genre: Thriller Other

Review Taking lives, indeed! The strange and exciting world of serial killing is explored in this thriller by the team that made all of the other serial killing movies. Angie Jolie is both the hunter and the hunted as she tracks a series of madmen who like to make capes out of human skin. Morgan Freeman is her irascible lieutenant who (spoiler warning) we find is both her lover and her father! But it turns out okay because he's killed quickly afterwards. Look for a quick cameo by "Austin Powers" star Mark Mayers during the credit sequence.

Murry Alternately Hilarious and Moving

Scrooged (1988)
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	Starring: Bill Murry, Karen Allen Directed by: John Landis Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other
Review Bill Murry nails it in this high-spirited(!) and ultimately moving portrayal of that seminal Grouch - Scrooge. Murry and director John Landis discover the humanity behind the grotesque mask that is Murray's war-torn landscape of a face. An instant classic for the whole family to enjoy while slugging down the grog around the fiery yule.