G.I. Jerk

G.I. Joe: Cobra Rising

Starring: Nobody Directed by: Dale Carman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other: Closed Captioned; English: Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo

Review The odd and violent world of military "sci-ops" is largely left on the cutting room floor by director Carman ("Donizetti's Carmen") who directs the action as if he were trying to put a cat to sleep by injecting it with a syringe of 100% pure turgidity. The entire movie is shot from below via something called "snake-cam" so that the most memorable image is what looks to be an accidental "up-skirt" of a young man in leather pants attached to what appeared to be two adolescent cantaloupes. Who is this thing for? Certainly not for my, admittedly somewhat elderly, significant other who interrupted the proceedings every few moments by gasping "why is that man trying to inflate that woman?" Stumped, I could only keep feeding her jujubees, one by one, until she stopped breathing (I hadn't realized she had a malt ball blocking her airway). Breathing was not a problem for the half a dozen other denizens of our local cinema - their deafening, stertorous horse-snores almost managed to compete with the monumentally dismal soundtrack, which alternately blared a version of the National Anthem performed by something called "Throg" and a sort of tango music produced by what sounded like bongos made of human skin with the mouth still attached. Hollywood, you strange, sinuous lady. Sometimes your siren call is a peacock screech, reminding us that even the great Orson Wellies could occasionally produce a short, sharp wet willie.

Healthy, Wealthy and Wise. Wealthy, Anyway.

National Treasure (2004)

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Diane Kruger Directed by: Saul Turteltaub Rating: PG Genre: Action Other

Review Hulking nimrod Nick Cage plays reincarnated Benjamin Franklin who has returned for the treasure he buried during the civil war in this pitilessly entertaining riff on the founding fathers. Cage (Baking Arizona) is alternatingly hilarious, moving and terrifying as the man who brought us the potbellied stove, term life insurance and lightning - a madcap rogue with false teeth and a snappy patter who, the movie would have us believe, convinced George Washington and Abe Lincoln to "put a little away for a rainy day." When he awakes in 2004 in the body of a clodhopping archaeologist its off to the races. For those of you who have spent a Denny's moment pondering the giant eye on the back of the one dollar bill, this movie may be what you've been looking for. For the rest of us, it's just solid entertainment. Bung ho, Hollywood, and thanks!