Good Sports

Dilemma (2011)

Starring: Vince Hogg, Jack Black Directed by: Ronald Howard Rating: PG-13 Genre: Dramedy  Other: Gay & Lesbian

Review Two married men discover, through their mutual obsession with sports, that man-meat is the choice of champions. Hogg ("Swingles", "Hot Topic: The Movie") is once again a slick, likeable mug with tight leather pants (in black AND brown!) in the back of his closet. Black ("Child-Eater", "Loaf: The Marvin Lee Aday Story") is as hot as sizzling bacon fat as his best friend and confidante. Howard, never strong on plot lines, manages to set 'em up and knock 'em down proficiently enough to stay out of the lovers' way. And do they ever! Congratulations, Mr. Howard, for showing us that sports can emulate life, and love will find its measure.

Enceintevized

DUDE DATE (2010)

Starring: Jack Black, Robert Downey  Directed by: Sean Phillips  Rating: R  Genre: Comedy

Review The great French philosopher Henry Bergson once defined comedy as "tragedy plus humor." Dude Date is a bit o'  Christmas fun with Jack Black back in form as a sleek walrus pup man-child shepherding the righteous Bob Downey through a series of hilarious escapades ending in a huge comedy action scene designed to astound and delight. The right medicine for a holiday filled with unemployment, murder, madness and the threat of future taxation. I may have to reconsider Mr. Downey's previous work in the light of his serious commitment to finding the deep truths that lie like gems waiting to be discovered in even the most mundane of situations (urinating on your shoes in a public restroom, for instance). Warning: Those sensitive to animal endangerment may want to avoid the middle third of this flick (a dog is mutilated and partially consumed by Mr. Black) though I am assured that this was all accomplished with a team of French special effects experts.

This Fish Is Off

The Slammin' Salmon (2009)

Starring: Michael Clark Pearlman, Chevy Chase, Armand Assante, Jay Rajanthrakor Directed by: Kevin Heffelump Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review The Saturday Night Live crew returns with another character bit taffy pull. Human topo map Michael Clark Pearlman ("The Iron Giant: On Ice!", "The City of Children That Time Forgot To Grow Up", "Flapjacks") stars as a former astronaut-turned-boxer who threatens to kill anyone who will not serve him food. I found this one slightly more amusing than, say, "I'm Pat", "The Weightguesser Guy", "The Two Guys Who Argue over the Copier", "Lunch Money", "Monkey Cheerleaders" or "Crash" but mega-producer Loren Michaels might want to put down his ear medicine long enough to take a quick glance at these half-page "treatments" he's getting from his SNL stable before signing those two-hundred thousand dollar checks with his space pen. There's more to a big-time feature film than a funny wig, Billy Bob teeth and a "green room" stuffed with assistants knitting your Jack Herald terrier Christmas sweaters, Mr. Michaels. You owe it to the thousands of your viewers who see "The Michaels" name above the line as a stamp of authenticity and a guarantee of extended pleasure. Just a thought.

Dog Days

Odd Dogs (2009)

Starring: Robin William, John-John Travolta  Directed by: Walter Fagen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Drama Other

Review Passion comes in all sizes and shapes but one thing we can all agree upon is that the ineffable spark that separates love from sexual infatuation can often be found in the damndest places. Senior circuit director Walter Fagen ("Wild Dogs", "Talkers", "Walkers", "Walking and Talking", "Old Talkers", "Talking Dogs", "Hog Walkers") helms this beast with the sure authority of a dingo gnawing a lost baby. Master "caster" Keith Wolfe pulled off a major coup landing veterans Robin William ("Shlomo and the Dude", "The Toy") and John-John Travolta ("Tonka Toy: The Movie", "Stayin' Alive!") who star as a pair of travelling salesmen who are purchased at auction by a pair of seven-year-old twins with hair like spun gold and mouths straight out of "The Last Detail." After a series of hijinks simultaneously hilarious and heart-breaking, the two gents are cast adrift on a giant inflatable porpoise where, after seven days and nights sharing a uric nightcap, Travolta breaks down and begins speaking in tongues. I won't give away the ending, but I have to say that watching masters of any field doing what they do at the top of their game - whether its master bantam rooster breeder Anthony de Piante or Japanese submariner Masaji Hiramatsu - is a sincere pleasure that should not be underestimated. It won't change your mind about Jesus, but it just might get you through the night.

Scrambled Eggs Blooper

Where Are The Wild Things Are (2009)

Starring: Tom Hank, Katherine O'Keener Directed by: Spike Leez Rating: PG Genre: Children Other

Review Defenseless dead writer Doctor Seuss' crypt is defiled once again, this time by Nike director Spike Leez ("Happy Daze", "Being Hammad Karzai") who fails the master's litmus test in spectacular fashion. Actor-Most-Likely-To-Buy-Gum-From-The-Bottom-of-Jimmy-Stewart's-Shoe-On-Ebay Tom Hank ("Splashed", "They Were Interdependable") stars as a small child forced to confront a giant plate of talking scrambled eggs (Katherine O'Keener ["The Forty Year Old Midget", "Undies"]) who make fun of him until he cries. This apparently teaches him that it's okay to eat any food that makes you feel bad.  Whatever, Mr. Leez. I must confess that by the end I was moved to tears when a tree stump explains to Hank that it's okay to hate your parents as long as you don't kill them until they are really old. But in the era of Lord Ronald Howard's "Grench" that's not quite enough. A well-intentioned try, but questionably worthy of your hard-earned sawbucks.

Dumbie Jamboree

Couples, Retreat (2009)

Starring: Vincent Schiavelli, Steve Landesberg Directed by: Peter Bergomon Rating: R Genre: Foreign Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review First-time director Bergomon boldly goes where only Master Woodrow Allen has dared to tread with a remake of Der Bingle's "Scenes From A Bad, Bad Marriage". Vincent Schiavelli ("Amadeus", "One Flew Over Cuckoo's Nest") and Steve Landesberg ("Trog") play two middle-aged men married to much younger women who are confronted with the travesty of their situation when, after a shared plate of bad scallops, they suddenly see themselves through the women's eyes. Painful, painful stuff presented without a flicker of sympathy as the two fat, fishbelly-white slugs are dissected like the dude in Mr. Tulp's Anatomy class. The experience was like waking up one day to find that everyone in the world is looking at you the way your mother-in-law does. I confess at times I had to turn away just to get my composure again, and by the end I was weeping like a trout. I don't know whether to thank Bergomon or curse him, but I'll never forget it. Take a divorce lawyer along with your loved one. It'll be like catnip.

Summer Ends With Pants on Fire

The Inventions Of Lying (2009)

Starring: Ricky Gervils Directed by: Ricky Gervils Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Romance Other

Review As the summer film season winds down, the concepts seem to wind up higher and higher. Beaver-cheeked British lambchop Ricky Gervils ("The Office: Great Britain", "Heroes") takes a break from ripping off American sitcoms just long enough claim that British people invented the art of lying. If I strain I think can hear Doctor Johnson struggling to roll his corpulent, tic-ridden bulk in a 360 degree arc within whatever tomb he currently happens to reside (just to set the record straight, the Greeks invented lying, but didn't realize it until Jesus came along and made it a sin). Lollipop-long Jennifer Garniston (nothing of consequence) plays Gervil's foil, a woman so trusting and beautiful that she produces her own natural insecticide. I don't hold Gervils personally responsible for this particular mediocrity - he does not yet know the ways of the Hollywood fatcats. But here's a bit of advice "Ricky" - when a man with a "Crackberry" and a Starbucks cup approaches you with a script be sure that his Rolex is genuine andthat mica-black Mercedes convertible was purchased outright. And stop watching American television! (Here's a suggestion. When you return to the mother country how about a "Fowelty Towers" remake that takes place in Wales? The town names alone should get you through the first season!)

Where Are the Rabbits, George?

Blue Velvet (1986)

Starring: Kylie McGlauglin, Dame Isabelle Bergman Directed by: David D. Lynch Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review After scrolling through the pink section for a Friday night love treat, I chanced upon an advertisement for some sort of blue vodka. While not a particularly heavy drinker, I was reminded of the particularly potent pleasures of David D. Lynch's ("Duned!", "Inland Umpire") early romantic masterpiece. Noir-pated Seattle-based zombie Kylie McGlauglin plays a man so in love with a woman that he's willing to nibble bad boy General Dean Stockwell's ("The Boy with the Green Hair", "Duned!") hypertrophied eyebrows. Dame Isabelle Bergman plays his love interest as though she were the last drunk on the last barstool at the end of the Universe. Lynch is letting us know that as strange as love can get, in the end everything will work out. And who doesn't want to believe that at the cusp of a Friday evening with the empty weekend stretching out before him like a Dali desertscape? Check it out with the one you love, or with a large colored drink that will, with time and effort, materialize the one you love in a wispy haze that only cinematic magic and brain chemistry can provide!

Fish Story

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004)

Starring: Bill Murray, Dame Katherine Blachett Directed by: Wesley Anderson Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review The mysterious world of the sea is the ostensible subject of former Star Trek boy genius Wesley Anderson's latest film, and yet one can't help but wonder if it's Anderson's own childhood that's really at play here. Oceanic scientists (oceanographers) often refer to the sea as "inner space." Anderson's childhood was spent, in a sense, in a televised "outer" space. And Bill Murray has grown a mighty and dramatic ventre that, when tucked into a militarily-fetish frogman's suit, is uncannily like the little potbelly that bulged so fetchingly above Captain Kirk's smart black belt. Anderson seems to be saying that our heros, whatever their shortcomings, are always a little fat. And perhaps even more to the point, they'll always disappoint (and in some cases [spoiler alert!] KILL) us in the end. Beautiful underwater photography reminiscent of the old SeaHunt series only serves to highlight the machinations of a mad crew seemingly bent on destroying every living creature in the sea. One can't help but think back to old french bastard Jacques Cousteau's horrific battles with parrotfish and the legendary "greasemonkey" eel. Anderson's love of Cousteau comes across in every frame. This is an homage to a time when television wasn't afraid to cast an arrogant foreigner as the good guy and a cute dolphin as the devil. Sail on, Captain Anderson. Sail on to whatever your destiny may hold!

Call Me When It's Over

Kicking and Screaming (2005)

Starring: Wilf Errel, Robert Duval Directed by: Bob Dylan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Hollywood has a name for films like Kicking and Screaming. They're called "high-concept" projects, and more likely than not they were "pitched" by some shark-suited twenty-two year old in a black spandex t-shirt and Angel Flight disco slacks his daddy left him when he moved to Arizona with his hot-pants secretary. He's calling in a favor, making a deal by combining a number of his clients in a project whose story that can be summarized in thirty seconds by a panda bear with finger paints. One question - why, Mr. Dylan? Why? Is this your revenge for the poor reception of Renaldo and Clara? You, sir, are bigger than the business. Please return to your seat until the airplane has come to a complete stop. That said, Wilf Errel is very good.

Murry Alternately Hilarious and Moving

Scrooged (1988)
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	Starring: Bill Murry, Karen Allen Directed by: John Landis Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other
Review Bill Murry nails it in this high-spirited(!) and ultimately moving portrayal of that seminal Grouch - Scrooge. Murry and director John Landis discover the humanity behind the grotesque mask that is Murray's war-torn landscape of a face. An instant classic for the whole family to enjoy while slugging down the grog around the fiery yule.