Light My Flyer

Tron: Legacy (2010)

Starring: Willie Nelson, Boy Sting, Olivia DeHavilland, Jr. Directed by: Krzysztof Kieslowski Rating: PG Genre: SciFi Fiction

Review Fifty years ago a Palo Alto, California engineer named Hewlett J. Packard shrunk himself to the size of an engorged tick and "uploaded" his midget brain into the first IBM computer. Though Packard was later to achieve fame for inventing the concept of the expensive printer cartridge, those in the know are convinced that his time navigating the memory gates of that first electronic behemoth formed the basis of the original "Tron." How true this is, I do not know, but it's hardly surprising to insiders that the great Polish director Kieslowski would choose a remake of this original story as his comeback venture. Kieslowski, best known in Poland as the inventor of the color film, has always sought to recover the humanity that the Polish people felt was lost when they gave up the double-entry bookkeeping system shortly after World War II. And, truly, what better way than to team with the "FX" wizards at Disneyland and leave nothing but a immense plain of scorched eyeballs in their wake? But does it work? Until that wonderful rascal Willie Nelson burst fullblown like a chaw-cheeked Venus upon the screen, I had my doubts. But the moment Nelson (as Packard-like engineer "Wink" Winkerbean) "dismounts" from his "light cycle" and grins at the camera we know we're like babies snugly and securely pinched between his huge, dope-stained fingers.  There seems to be no line that Nelson cannot improve by his growly, stentorian delivery (e.g. "I did not know. I DID NOT KNOW!!!"). Somewhat more perplexing was the choice of newcomer Boy Sting as his son "Dingo." Mr. Sting, who rose to prominence largely due to a YouTube video in which he is seen ejecting pickles from his bottom while "beatboxing" to  Cee-Lo's "Forget you", is not (to put it kindly) a "natural" actor. Every line he delivers sounds like a cat force-fed helium and slowly strangled with a string of stale red vines. And if I'm not mistaken, there happens to be another performer with the same surname, whose dignity cannot be impugned by this turdlet of a talent (as a fan of Sting lute music can attest, the man has nothing more to prove and can retire to his chateau to finish the sonnet cycle on the Vedic bards we all await with bated breath). But even the guinea-pig like squealings of the lesser Sting cannot detract from the sheer ferocious intelligence of Mr. Kieslowski's script. And those of us who have already installed track-lighting are well on our way. Tally Ho!

His World And Welcome to It

Avatard (2009)

Starring: Siggy Weaver, Sam Worthingham Directed by: James "Jim" Cameron Rating: PG-13 Genre: Sci-Fi Other

Review Just as the Mighty One bestowed upon apes the knowledge of how to bash each other's heads in with their own bones, He seemingly has given James "Jim" Cameron the power to change the way music videos and infomercials will be made until the end of days. What once was Darwin's crazy folly has jumped into Vladimir Ilyich Lenin's hyper-driven super-egg and warped us all into a future where Jar-Jar Binks can seemingly read our minds from the other side of the looking glass, even when we're thinking about something as trivial as the shiny gloss of a really fresh Junior Mint, or loved ones far away, then Junior Mints again. After Einstein's annus mirabilis, we all slapped our collective foreheads when we realized how we'd all fallen for Newton's "apple" scam - the Earth was indeed as round as The Frizzled One's predictions had predicted. Crowds of infuriated Londoners dug up Newton's body and shipped it to France where it probably belonged in the first place, right next to Liebniz' dog-faced boy. In the same way, Mr. Cameron's theory that we live in a "3-D" dimensional world now seems as obvious (for instance, why is it only you notice that your toilet swirl counter-clockwise?). Putting the technical flash aside, Cameron has warped the weft of Sid Field's screenplay rulebook whole cloth, abandoing entire chunks of Platonic "wisdom" for something I have a feeling Mr. Cameron would call "Life." Well what is it, then? Imagine that you had given the Wachowski brothers permission to harvest your skull and hook it up to a giant movie machine housed in a theater shaped like a starship made of M&Ms. Does that help? Yes, there are still actors in Mr. Cameron's brave new world. But don't fall in love with them too much, because I suspect they will not be with us for long. Instead I foresee virtual "harvest farms" where plasmids are raised on the sloughed off cells of hair harvested from the combs of the greats (think Orson Wellies, Jeanette McDonald or, say, a young Wings Hauser). You'll be able to carry the entire Actor's Studio in a small snuff box! I recognize that I may be riding the giddy afterglow of movie magic, but, as this holiday season reminds us, don't look a gift mitzvah in the mouth.

In The Land of the Blind the 3D-Dimensional King is King!

GForce The Movie (2009)

	Starring: None Directed by: None Rating: PG Genre: Animated Other: 3D-Dimensional
Review I wish I could tell you something, ANYTHING about GForce The Movie, but all I saw before I passed out was some flashing, blurry primary colors. Apparently I have a condition which prevents me from wearing the glasses used to view movies in 3D-Dimensional. I gather this involved some kind of "A-Team" of hamsters, but I guess I will never know.  Let me know what you think!

Brothers Deliver A Heavy Load

The Matrix (1999)
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Starring: Keenu Reeves, Laurence Fishman Directed by: Joel Coen Rating: R Genre: Sci-Fi & Fantasy Other

Review Keenu Reeves stars as an alien who discovers that he is God in this stunning sequel to Ridley Scott's Blade Runner. Lawrence Fishman (bald!) is the unfortunate doctor who must break the news to Reaves. With no way out, Reeves decides the only way to save the world is to face his alien parents and flush them down what looks like a giant lavatory. But don't let that description put you off. I learned more about the Bible from this movie than ten years of Sunday school. Stunning commentary track with a surprisingly insightful Reeves and director Coen discussing if God is a software programmer.

Cruis-in!

Memento (2000)
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Starring: Tom Cruise, Carrie-Anne Moss Directed by: Christopher Nolen Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Tom Cruise tears the screen to shreds in this quixotic sci-fi thriller about a man bonked on the head who discovers that he's moving backwards in time. And what does he find? He's killed (spoiler) HIMSELF!! Director Nolen knows how to handle a camera but it's Cruise who is the revelation as a man so confused he has to take pictures to remember who he is. Crazy stuff from an actor unafraid to make a fool of himself. We should all be so talented!