Friday Night Special - Nine Is Too Much

The Ninth Song (2004)

Starring: Modesty Blaise, Rod Snow Directed by: Michael Vintnerbottom Rating: Unrated Genre: Explicit Romance Concert Movie Other: Distasteful Sexual Scenes

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review As a sage of my aquaintance once told me after visiting a special "show" in Tijuana "just because you can do something doesn't mean you should." Though I've seen dogs bathe parts of their bodies that make me question how there can be a God, I never quite understood the wisdom of this magus until I watched Michael Vintnerbottom's "The Ninth Song." Young hairless monkeys Modesty Blaise and Rod Snow "star" as a couple who meet at a "Wham" concert and spend the next seventy minutes playing tetris with various body parts, some of which I found myself unable to identify even on my anatomically-correct BatKat-customized Barbie and Ken dolls. Vintnerbottom, whose previous efforts included "The Laurence Sterne Experiment" and "Legend of Boggy Creek: The Road to Guantanamo" has produced something so romantically reductive that it makes the funk band Slave's "Snap Shot" seem like something Elizabeth Barett Browning might have sent Robert by donkey. It might be appropriate if you're studying for a pre-med midterm. Otherwise give this one a pass and download "Romancing the Stones."

Shadows and Foag

Paramoral Activity (2009)

Starring: Micah Stoat, Katie Featherstote Directed by: Oren Utah Rating: R Genre: Horrific Other

Review Imagine a world where your children live inside your television set, and old people refuse to come out of the shadows and die. In a first, director Oren Utah ("Bedbugs") shot this thriller on his iphone and immediately distributed it to theaters via MMS (thank you, finally, Mr. Att!). Painstakingly researched, the film presents Micah Stoat ("Crackers in the Bed") and Katie Featherstote ("Trial by Murder 2: Jive Torture") as a couple who move into a house only to discover that their children moved in before they (the children) have even been born and plan on giving birth to their parents on a live television show. Meanwhile, old people run around naked, hoping to appear on a video that the couple are shooting to present to their as-yet-unborn children. No, it doesn't make any sense to me either, but Utah's crappy cinematography and cheap, bizarre lighting capture more of what we fear about the ones we love than any number of "crazy" clowns ever could. It's not great. In fact it stinks. But so do loneliness and the fear of dying alone and forgotten. Check it out!

Mo' Money

Capitalismo (2009)

Starring: Michael More, Michael More Directed by: Michael More Rating: PG-13 Genre: Documentary Other

Review Faithful readers will know of my difficulties with Mr. Michael More. More and I have tangled on a number of occasions (again, I apologize to the staff and patrons of the Cincinnati Red Roof Inn), but we've always managed to bring the rage back down to a low simmer. But with "Capitalismo" More has crossed the invisible line that separates filmmaking from not-film-making. Capitalismo purports to be a critique of greed in the financial system. Instead, More ("Psycho", "Ford Frick and Me") proves only that when the taters get hot, he'll hog all the oven mitts. More himself has admitted that he himself has multiple bank accounts, AND USES THEM! Here's the dealio, Mr. More - America is big enough to swallow your criticism and open its throat for more. While I am no apologist for the world banking system, I also know that when my AMC Gremlin finally succumbed to the demon rust, a certain member of this "evil cabal" (Ms. Sonia Perez-Washington) worked her magic to get me in a Kia Rio with almost no paperwork at all! If someone with my credit rating can get a brand new car, then something smells right in the state of Denmark. It seems I've strayed a long way from the world of cinema, but I think that makes my point more eloquently than some number tomatoes or stars could ever do. Mr. More has given up the world of film, that beautiful monster that makes little girls laugh and big bad men sob like little girls. And what is worse - he's traded it for a handful of dark bitter beans. We shall meet again, oh Dark Prince. And when we do, I shall come with loins girded with the delighted shrieks and terrified groans of a thousand generations of filmgoers. You shall wield only a small puddle of curd.

Distinctly Nein

DISTRICTNINE (2009)

Starring: Justin Cope Directed by: Neal BlomfonKampf Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review This turgid "rethink" of The British Broadcasting Corporation's "The Office" "imagineers" what would happen if a bunch of ne'er do well aliens got stuck in a waiting room that God called "Africa." If your jaw is hanging as slack as mine in disbelief that they're making this YET AGAIN, then give yourself a sweet sweet Nilla wafer. Former Journey guitarist Neal BlomfonKampf ("The Night The Lights Went Down in the City") takes all those 70's heavy metal rock star bucks and converts them to fool's gold krugerands. If he'd bother to put down his "doobie" long enough to learn a bit about the history of film, he would have known that there was a little "flick" in the fifties called "When The Gods Made The Gods Crazy" about... wait for it... a bunch of aliens who fall from an an airplane and... you get the rest. A bit of fatherly advice Mr. BlomfonKampf from someone who's admired your music from afar (an admission - I first made a move on my second cousin on the fold-out rear seat of a VW Squareback to the dulcet tones of Journey's mega-hit "Lady") - if a spaceship could make it across the light years of the galaxy it is highly unlikely it would need to stop for "gas." And even if it did, do you really think that an advanced civilization couldn't figure out that the fossil fuels are concentrated in the MIDDLE EAST?!!! Mr. BlomfonKampf, you committed the cardinal sin of science fiction filmmaking - you forgot the science! That said, there are some lovely performances, including Sharleton Copington's poignant evocation of Boris Karloff ("Targets")  in "The Little House That Was Left" (as a bonus, check THAT one out for chills!).  I may have scolded a bit here, but I encourage Mr. BlomfonKampf to try a couple of commercials to get the hang of this business and return with a fully-baked idea. I'll look forward to it!

Cruis-in!

Memento (2000)
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Starring: Tom Cruise, Carrie-Anne Moss Directed by: Christopher Nolen Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Tom Cruise tears the screen to shreds in this quixotic sci-fi thriller about a man bonked on the head who discovers that he's moving backwards in time. And what does he find? He's killed (spoiler) HIMSELF!! Director Nolen knows how to handle a camera but it's Cruise who is the revelation as a man so confused he has to take pictures to remember who he is. Crazy stuff from an actor unafraid to make a fool of himself. We should all be so talented!