Three Gross

300(2005)

Starring: Jock McGregor, Tyne Daly, Ru Paul Directed by: Leon Uris Rating: R Genre: Action/Adventure

Review For those of us lucky enough to have seen a little thing called "Braveheart" loth those many years ago, the new film "300" will strike a bell. Crazed Scotsmen revealing a little more of "wee willie" than mother might like, bring it on like smoke on lox. With stomachs like a brace of eels and rock-hard beards ZZ Top can only dream of, the boys of Enoch Burris rock Persians until they can't stands no more. Don't scoff. The truth is that a hardy tribe of sweaty Scots madmen did save Greek civilization once upon a time in a little know place called Persepolis. Puppet-headed Jock McGregor stars as Hercules, the leader of the band, fighting Ru Paul (on stilts!) and a horde of disgusting outworlders (Orcs courtesy of Lord of the Rings director Francis Coppolla). When all seems lost, McGregor makes a thrilling final stand, climactically leaping upon all 10,000 of the invaders and trying to smother them in his armpits. Paul then turns him into a human pincushion, which only makes him mad. He then bleeds so profusely that the Persians begin to vomit and give up. Leave it to a Scotsman to change the course of history by making people sick. Really, though, leave the kids at home. They get enough of this on their XBoxes, and there is no point in them being disillusioned about history so young. I say let them have their Chuck Norrises - we've got Homer!