The Devil In Disguise

Diary of a Priest (2011)

Starring: Paul Bethany, Noel Coward, Dorf, Kal Urban Directed by: Charles Nelson Reilly Rating: PG-13 Genre: Religious

Review Odd remake of Fifties Bresson film casts former "Big Brother" runner-up Bethany as renegado religious tootsie roll Simon Stylites. Stylites, who dressed as a donkey and pulled carts of "special" wood knows as "faggots" used to incinerate witches, unbelievers and forest gnomes, would be somewhat baffled by Director Reilly's complete and utter misreading of Jesus' time in the desert trying to find John the Baptist's head. That said, Bethany is very good as a man who discovers that "under every rock is another rock under which a scorpion may lie" (Book of Mormon) and Australian premier league legend Kal Urban holds his own as a crippled boy whose accidental encounter with some holy spittal results in the ability to decapitate unbelievers via an awesome bicycle kick. For those who think "turn the other cheek" refers to half a pressed ham this may be just the ticket. Recommended.

Go Ahead. Stare.

Armoralled (2009)

Starring: Columbus Short, Ving Fishburne, Matt Dollard Directed by: "Nimrod" Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Here we go again, kids. Just when you thought product placement had hit an all-time low, along comes action maestro "Nimrod" ("Funguz") one flap down, with a paen to automotive cleaning and buffing products giant Armorall. I won't dignify this extended infomercial with a review, but I'd be remiss if I didn't toss a sharp stick at Messers Stamoulis & Weinblatt who represent slick ad cats "Denizen" who got us into all of this mess in the first place. Well done, gents. What's next - Fred Astaire pitching  vacuum cleaners?

Ninja Ass-in

Fat Ninja (2009)

Starring: Gravy Rain Directed by: McTard Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Super Trooper McTard ("V For Vendela") knows where the bodies are buried and disinters them with tremendous style in this thoughtful consideration of the costs associated with living a life of life-taking. Deaf Korean master chef/fashion model Gravy Rain ("Ghostly Vice Cops 4") stars as a man torn between eviscerating people with a curved shiv and growing lavender in the sun-soaked hills of Manitoba (the "Provence" of  western Canada). I won't give away his decision, but if I'd remembered to bring my reading glasses I'm sure I'd be reporting that Calgary will blossom for years to come. Not much more to say about this one, but before I conclude, I'd like to state how optimistic I am about the number of "foodies" making the jump to the big screen. Without food it's unlikely we'd even be an upright species (not enough protein-based energy), so we all owe a big shout-out to those who prepare it in ways that make it palatable.

From The Vault - Roman Holiday

Gladiators (2000)

Starring: Rumply Crow, Richard Harris Directed by: Riddidly Scott Rating: R Genre: Action Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Director Scott's take on the sword-and-sandals flick plops bloated meat puppet Rumply Crow ("The Fornicators") smack dab in the middle of a Nike commercial, only instead of ripply athletes sweating green mucus, Crow shows his acting chops by spitting out real blood and teeth. Eschewing the traditional fat suit, Crow purportedly put on eighty pounds through daily injections of Crisco, though this doesn't explain the pulsing fat ring around his tonsured skull. I'm not sure about this one. The film's exciting enough, but when emperor Biggus Diccus (played by Smiths lead singer Morrison) nails Crow's bulldog "The Kraken" to the Coliseum and Crow's good eye begins to throb, the Bronsonian fireworks to come are all too obvious. And I cannot decide if the choice of composer Esquivel was inspired or merely mad, but it did provide a odd discordancy to the many an action sequence. There's no question that Scott knows how to play a disembowlment set piece but, as the great Norma Shearer once said "it's the pictures that got small." Look for a cameo by Mike Meyers as an Ethiopian Princess. The man is the Lon Chaney of his generation.

Gangstalicious?

The Boondocks Saints 2 (2009)

Starring: Sean Patrick Bean, Julie Benz Directed by: Richard Kelly Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Is Richard Kelly ("Through A Darko, Darkly", "Spaz") a daring genius a la Byron Keats, or just another dud sparkler, fizzing furiously apropos nothing? His bizarre take on popular African-American comic strip "Boondocks" is nothing if not audacious. Sean Patrick Bean ("The Lords and Their Rings", "Sharpe's Rifles")  and Julie Benz (nothing) appear to come from an entirely different strip - a kind of "Family Circus" in which Billy has grown into a foul-mouthed, racist, homophobic nihilist with rotten teeth and the bad breath that follows rotten teeth as the night follows the day. And just as the "Circus" often mapped out Billy's jaunts through the neighborhood, Kelly maps out a violent "pelegrin" across the shattered corpse-strewn landscape of mindless egotism (as an aside - what, for god's sake, did little fuzzy bunnies ever do to this man and why did he not seek therapy?). I am at a loss as to why "Boondocks" cartoonist Aaron Sorkin chose Kelly, this cast or this story to introduce his comic vision to the big screen. That is his choice, of course. But one can't help but smell the acrid stench of big money wafting through frame after frame.

Red In Tooth And Claw

Saw Six (2009)

Starring: Mandy Patinkin, Annabella Lwin Directed by: Fat Tuna Rating: R Genre: Sexual Horror Other

Review Tight, right and out of sight extension of the famous brand stars Mandy Patinkin ("Sundays In The Park with Curious George") as the caped crusader. If night time is the right time, then set your watch. I don't expect this one to be around for long. For those who left "Saw Five" humming the scenery, it'll be a gas. All others should wile away the eventide in ways not associated with Mr. Tuna's particular brand of mayhem.

A La Recherche du Temps Perdu

Stepfather (2009)

Starring: Rachel Ward, M. Emmet Walsh Directed by: Nelson Munz Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review When I was a small child, my mother decided to date a neighbor who was known by the terrified local children as "Kretchmer Gloom." We kids were so intimidated by this tall, dank, pale figure with his tendril-like fingers, hawk nose and wrists like twin hams that we once tried to garrot him as he left his driveway on his red Honda 90.  Oddly, it turned out that he was in fact wanted for a series of unexplained ritual animal killings in the Santa Cruz mountains, so my father had the last laugh (in fact it was the last time I ever remember him laughing. Shortly after our gang's unfortunate semi-beheading he was made vice-president of an insurance firm). All of this came back to me while I watched "The Stepfather," a solid remake of the seventies Harold Pinter ("Unuterrable" ) classic "The Go-Between." Not reallly much more to say about this one, except that sometimes sitting in the dark watching the flickering light show impale itself upon the eyes twenty-five times a second (the infamous "persistence of version") one gets that tangible physico-emotional experience described by Zola as he nibbled his little chocolate cookie. Life crumbles away a cut at a time.

Bite My Fire!

Jennifer And Her Body (2009)

Starring: Jenny Lopes, Amanda Sigfried, Adrian Brody Directed by: Karen Kwasimoto Rating: R Genre: Horror Other

Review Body-of-the-month Jenny Lopes ("Jenny's Hood", "Side Out", "Backsliders") stars as a wise-cracking vampire cheerleader who finds herself knocked up by hatchet-faced beanpole Adrian Brody ("The Pianoist") and takes it out on a series of middle-class men facing the "change of life."  Kwasimoto ("RollerFighter", "RollerFighter 2: AeroFlux") can't seem to figure out quite what she's got here. At times the film plays like Woody Allen vomiting through the small slats of a hockey mask, while other times I was reminded of the quiet pleasures of Thelma vs. Louise.   Cinnamon-Lifesaver-hot young writer (and sometime hand model!) Ellen de Diabolique wrote the script, purportedly based on a weekend spent with L.A. madman Steve Martin.  Whatever, I think she might be onto something, because I find the whole vampire thing simply impossible to ignore. One bit of advice for Ms. Kwasimoto - what about vampires in the business world?! Call me!

Storm Warning!

White Out (2009)

Starring: Victoria Beckhamsdale, Sir Tom Skkerit Directed by: Dominico de Sena Rating: R Genre: Action/Adventure Other

Review Like a turkey in the rain the parched action-adventure fan waits patiently for the summer season to wind down so that the "real" fun can begin - and begin it does with Dominico de Sena's ("Halibut") latest police procedural thriller. Victoria Beckhamsdale ("Krull: Dance With Me") stars as a cop with a past who, after pissing off her Lieutenant (Simon Oakland) one too many times finds herself checking parking meters in Antiarctica. Before she can beat her first harp seal to death she's plunged into a race to find a killer before the earth is plunged into total darkness. De Sena's muscular angularity and Ozu-like focus lend to what could be a common "policer" a crazy majesty. In one chilling (!) scene, villain Skkerit ("Crazy Willie and the Hand Jive", "The Detectivist") dressed in one of those goofy Peruvian droopy hats is shot from below the ice against a backdrop of Mount Erupto, kicking Mozart's ("Ode To Joy") "Ode To Joy" on an alpenhorn. What Beckhamsdale lacks in heft she more than makes up for in sheer tape-measure neck. I expect big things from this lissome lass who can kick some *ss. Bend it Beckhamsdale, indeed!

Game On!

GAMER (2009)

Starring: Jock McGregor Directed by: Mark Taylor Rating: R Genre: Action Thriller Other

Review Sexy Jock McGregor ("The 3 Hundreds") plays "Boner", a lone wolf game designer locked inside a game he designed but cannot escape without the help of young gaming genius "Booger" (played ably by a remarkably well-preserved Red Buttons ["Red Dawn"]). Booger "plays" Boner as a character in a Donkey-Kong-like side-scroller - but here the barrels and gigantic maddened gorillas are for real! Long-time readers know how acerbic I can be about shoddy special effects (see my review of Toy Story, if you can stand the heat!), but here they work, as the pixelated, "green-screen" action replicates the seizure-inducing hysteria of Antari's gaming masterpiece. I've praised the hunky McGregor for past work, but here he's a revelation as the man without a past, a genius so smart he created a game with no solution -- except Death! The twist is (spoiler alert!) only a mildly-otherly-mentally-abled child whose synapses have fused directly to his wrist ligaments can unlock the " master stage" and defeat the "Boss" (grotesquely shriveled one-time actor John Turturro) that leads McGregor out. There's one more twist (think "2001: A Space Odyssey"), but I won't give it away because I want to encourage you to check out this thoughtful, spine-tingling indie screener. But if you have any questions about your wife's fidelity, leave her at home with the ugliest babysitter you can find! Jock McGregor is a definite home-wrecker!

G.I. Jerk

G.I. Joe: Cobra Rising

Starring: Nobody Directed by: Dale Carman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other: Closed Captioned; English: Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo

Review The odd and violent world of military "sci-ops" is largely left on the cutting room floor by director Carman ("Donizetti's Carmen") who directs the action as if he were trying to put a cat to sleep by injecting it with a syringe of 100% pure turgidity. The entire movie is shot from below via something called "snake-cam" so that the most memorable image is what looks to be an accidental "up-skirt" of a young man in leather pants attached to what appeared to be two adolescent cantaloupes. Who is this thing for? Certainly not for my, admittedly somewhat elderly, significant other who interrupted the proceedings every few moments by gasping "why is that man trying to inflate that woman?" Stumped, I could only keep feeding her jujubees, one by one, until she stopped breathing (I hadn't realized she had a malt ball blocking her airway). Breathing was not a problem for the half a dozen other denizens of our local cinema - their deafening, stertorous horse-snores almost managed to compete with the monumentally dismal soundtrack, which alternately blared a version of the National Anthem performed by something called "Throg" and a sort of tango music produced by what sounded like bongos made of human skin with the mouth still attached. Hollywood, you strange, sinuous lady. Sometimes your siren call is a peacock screech, reminding us that even the great Orson Wellies could occasionally produce a short, sharp wet willie.

Put Me Out of My Misery!

Final Destination 2009 (2009)

Starring: No one Directed by: Eli Hoste Rating: R Genre: Horror Other

Review Punky creep Ethan Hawkes ("Finally, Paris!") cheats The Grim Reaper in a game of 3-D checkers thereby dooming everyone he's ever known to a horrible death on a broken escalator. Huh? Hawkes, who must be sixty judging by his haggard smoker's skin and obvious hair "plugs," should have given this teen slasher role a pass. Instead he tries to play it like Marlin Brando ("Brando's Fat!") in a wife-beater, mouth-breathing inane lines like "My sister stabs harder than that" as though "Mississippi" Tennessee Williams was stroking his sand-blasted cheek. Ugh.  Mr. Hoste , if you must kill fifty teenagers in 83 minutes, how about at least skinning them for our enjoyment? Give this one a pass....

Gory Glory

INGLORI*** BASTARDS (2009)

Starring: Brad Pit Directed by: Quint Tarentinino Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review What is it about history that drives directors so mad? Whatever it is, I hope that history keeps it up because Tarentinino's latest is the kind of crazy magic that only someone like Jimmi Hendrickx ("Hey Jobe")  could summon with a Stratocaster and a lighter - and that only on a good night when the wind came from the west! So what exactly have we got here? Imagine Jesus with a pitchfork, or Mohammed with the middle eastern equivalent of a pitchfork. Consider this dynamic duo poking their way through hoards of ravenous nazis who lose body parts like a newt in a cuisinart. Tarentinino's dirty dozen is led by a scenery-engulfing Brad Pit ("The Miniaturization of Benjamin Button"). Those who follow this reviewer know his disdain for dimwitted portrayals of bacon-grease-inflected southern dunderheads gumming straw and fornicating with prone  foreigners in a moonshine-induced hysteria brought on by lack of sanitary conditions. And Pit nails it! Tarentinino,  clearly sensitive to the holocaust theme, keeps the number of severed genitals within reason, but when it's time to pull out the big guns he remains one of our few american directors unafraid to pull them out. Here he brandishes dialogue like the devil's forked tongue, ripping hilarious riposte after hilarious riposte in a dialogue-fest replete with such aphorisms as "Donald Duck can suck my d**ck." Anyone else reminded of e.e. cummings' ("buffalo bill was a clean man")  "Death of a Ball Turrett Gunner?" Okay, that might be a stretch for a man who put Ving Ramses in an afro but I'm enthusiastic about this effort. That Tarentinino has grown as an artist can no longer be in doubt. I think a real love story cannot be far off now. I, for one, am looking forward to it. BTW Don't miss cameos by Michael Myers ("I Am a Hatchet Murderer") as Sir Winston Churchill and Eli Hoste ("The Host") as the great Jewish leader Ben Gurion. The DVD extras should be a hoot!

Three Gross

300(2005)

Starring: Jock McGregor, Tyne Daly, Ru Paul Directed by: Leon Uris Rating: R Genre: Action/Adventure

Review For those of us lucky enough to have seen a little thing called "Braveheart" loth those many years ago, the new film "300" will strike a bell. Crazed Scotsmen revealing a little more of "wee willie" than mother might like, bring it on like smoke on lox. With stomachs like a brace of eels and rock-hard beards ZZ Top can only dream of, the boys of Enoch Burris rock Persians until they can't stands no more. Don't scoff. The truth is that a hardy tribe of sweaty Scots madmen did save Greek civilization once upon a time in a little know place called Persepolis. Puppet-headed Jock McGregor stars as Hercules, the leader of the band, fighting Ru Paul (on stilts!) and a horde of disgusting outworlders (Orcs courtesy of Lord of the Rings director Francis Coppolla). When all seems lost, McGregor makes a thrilling final stand, climactically leaping upon all 10,000 of the invaders and trying to smother them in his armpits. Paul then turns him into a human pincushion, which only makes him mad. He then bleeds so profusely that the Persians begin to vomit and give up. Leave it to a Scotsman to change the course of history by making people sick. Really, though, leave the kids at home. They get enough of this on their XBoxes, and there is no point in them being disillusioned about history so young. I say let them have their Chuck Norrises - we've got Homer!

Heaven's Just a Mace Away

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Directed by: Riddidly Scott Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review In the year 2525, if man is still alive goes the classic song and I couldn't help but wonder, as I watched Riddidly Scott's epic Kingdom of Heaven if the poor bastards who trudged off to the crusades hummed something similar. This dark, moody set piece lends itself to such deep thoughts as it incisively examines why a poor, stupid laborer (Orlando Bloom [Orlando]) would find it necessary to murder poor stupid laborers halfway around the continent. But Scott (Alien Nation), ever the perfectionist shows that where racism and bigotry is the question, then love must be the answer. Love, in the form of brittle, ceramic-skinned celtic folk-rapper Eva, is all the spur our dumbbunny hero needs to accept the thuggish hatred necessary to do what must be done. The world, Scott seems to say, is strange, cruel and violent and only by being even more strange, more cruel and more violent can we hope to bring the planet to a successful conclusion. I may disagree with the message, but the messenger compels my eyes upward, ever upward, crawling up the giant megaplex screen until, indeed, I feel I truly am in cinematic heaven.

Mais Ou est Huile d'Olive?

The French Connection (1971)

Starring: Gene Hackman Directed by: Wilhelm Friedkin Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The French, they are a funny people. But not, apparently, when they try an "homage" to great american cartoon figures as in this misguided attempt to fuse the dreary, perplexing work of Jean-Luc Picard with the sprightly pop sensibility of America's favorite spinach pitchman. What we get is neither fish nor foul. Incredibly, laconic egghead Robert Altman remade this eye booger into a musical starring schizophrenic whackjob Robin Williams - not surprisingly, it's even harder to bear. Bad show all around for Franco-American relations.

Zero For Conduct

Suspect Zero (2004)

Starring: Aaron Eckhardt, Ben Kingsley Directed by: Eelias Merhige Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The ways of the psychopath are indeed so strange that many of us struggle to imagine committing the terrible crimes that they perpetrate with such ease. Feeling our dismay, mavericks like Eelias Merhige spread the buffet before us and let us choose one from column A and one from column B until we are sated. Bakery heir Eckhardt plays FBI detective Aaron Zero, a man with a terrible thirst for justice who's found the case that just might quench it. A madman is loose and he's killing (spoiler alert!) OTHER MADMEN! Eckhard must stop him before there are no madmen left and he's out of a job. Or is he? This masterful thriller will keep you on the edge of the couch as you try to stay one step ahead of the script and two steps ahead of fat, bald goblin Ben Kingsley, who makes a mockery of every other actor he works with by spraying his genius indiscriminately across the screen. Let's hope Hollywood never loses its nerve in bringing us into the mind of the kinds of terrifying psychotics who prey on people just like us!

Creepy Look at a Fascinating World

Taking Lives(2004)
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Starring: Angelina Jolie, Ethan Hawke Directed by: D.J. Caruso Rating: Unrated Genre: Thriller Other

Review Taking lives, indeed! The strange and exciting world of serial killing is explored in this thriller by the team that made all of the other serial killing movies. Angie Jolie is both the hunter and the hunted as she tracks a series of madmen who like to make capes out of human skin. Morgan Freeman is her irascible lieutenant who (spoiler warning) we find is both her lover and her father! But it turns out okay because he's killed quickly afterwards. Look for a quick cameo by "Austin Powers" star Mark Mayers during the credit sequence.