Last One Out, Turn off the Lights

Green Hornet (2011)

Starring: Sith Rogan, JayChow Directed by: Mitchell Gondry Rating: PG-13 Genre: Suspense Other: Superhero

Review Fat, gray onanist Rogan turns his belly button into a foul spewpipe, "riffing" on one non-sequitur after another as he desperately seeks to talk his way clear of this pig offal of a script (by once-brilliant "novelist of the future" Jay "Gatsby" McInerney). Former Michael Jordan bodyguard and sidekick JayChow hangs on to Rogan's side blubber like a homesick remora. What exactly are we to make of what probably once looked like a "can't miss" idea before the likes of casting Godfather "Lyn" Stallmaster and evil supergenius Michael Ovidz put their morganetic spell upon it? Imagine a carpet the size of the Astrodome made of upturned mouths all screaming their agony in unison, only to be met by a hailstorm of Wilf Errol's special "menudo" stewed in the flopsweat of a hundred Zach Galfianikakiliases. Congratulations, you're a tenth of the way there. Leave EVERYONE home, and enjoy the simple pleasures of Mr. Tony Randall. You'll thank me.

Light My Flyer

Tron: Legacy (2010)

Starring: Willie Nelson, Boy Sting, Olivia DeHavilland, Jr. Directed by: Krzysztof Kieslowski Rating: PG Genre: SciFi Fiction

Review Fifty years ago a Palo Alto, California engineer named Hewlett J. Packard shrunk himself to the size of an engorged tick and "uploaded" his midget brain into the first IBM computer. Though Packard was later to achieve fame for inventing the concept of the expensive printer cartridge, those in the know are convinced that his time navigating the memory gates of that first electronic behemoth formed the basis of the original "Tron." How true this is, I do not know, but it's hardly surprising to insiders that the great Polish director Kieslowski would choose a remake of this original story as his comeback venture. Kieslowski, best known in Poland as the inventor of the color film, has always sought to recover the humanity that the Polish people felt was lost when they gave up the double-entry bookkeeping system shortly after World War II. And, truly, what better way than to team with the "FX" wizards at Disneyland and leave nothing but a immense plain of scorched eyeballs in their wake? But does it work? Until that wonderful rascal Willie Nelson burst fullblown like a chaw-cheeked Venus upon the screen, I had my doubts. But the moment Nelson (as Packard-like engineer "Wink" Winkerbean) "dismounts" from his "light cycle" and grins at the camera we know we're like babies snugly and securely pinched between his huge, dope-stained fingers.  There seems to be no line that Nelson cannot improve by his growly, stentorian delivery (e.g. "I did not know. I DID NOT KNOW!!!"). Somewhat more perplexing was the choice of newcomer Boy Sting as his son "Dingo." Mr. Sting, who rose to prominence largely due to a YouTube video in which he is seen ejecting pickles from his bottom while "beatboxing" to  Cee-Lo's "Forget you", is not (to put it kindly) a "natural" actor. Every line he delivers sounds like a cat force-fed helium and slowly strangled with a string of stale red vines. And if I'm not mistaken, there happens to be another performer with the same surname, whose dignity cannot be impugned by this turdlet of a talent (as a fan of Sting lute music can attest, the man has nothing more to prove and can retire to his chateau to finish the sonnet cycle on the Vedic bards we all await with bated breath). But even the guinea-pig like squealings of the lesser Sting cannot detract from the sheer ferocious intelligence of Mr. Kieslowski's script. And those of us who have already installed track-lighting are well on our way. Tally Ho!

This Fish Is Off

The Slammin' Salmon (2009)

Starring: Michael Clark Pearlman, Chevy Chase, Armand Assante, Jay Rajanthrakor Directed by: Kevin Heffelump Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review The Saturday Night Live crew returns with another character bit taffy pull. Human topo map Michael Clark Pearlman ("The Iron Giant: On Ice!", "The City of Children That Time Forgot To Grow Up", "Flapjacks") stars as a former astronaut-turned-boxer who threatens to kill anyone who will not serve him food. I found this one slightly more amusing than, say, "I'm Pat", "The Weightguesser Guy", "The Two Guys Who Argue over the Copier", "Lunch Money", "Monkey Cheerleaders" or "Crash" but mega-producer Loren Michaels might want to put down his ear medicine long enough to take a quick glance at these half-page "treatments" he's getting from his SNL stable before signing those two-hundred thousand dollar checks with his space pen. There's more to a big-time feature film than a funny wig, Billy Bob teeth and a "green room" stuffed with assistants knitting your Jack Herald terrier Christmas sweaters, Mr. Michaels. You owe it to the thousands of your viewers who see "The Michaels" name above the line as a stamp of authenticity and a guarantee of extended pleasure. Just a thought.

Flat Foxes

The Fanatical Mr. Fox (2009)

Starring: George Coonley, Bill Murray, Angie Dickinson Directed by: Alexander "Pain" Anderson Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other: CGI

Review In 1937 a Hungarian genius named "Mad" George Pal was carving a bar of soap into a more rounded bar of soap when it slipped out of his grip and directly into the mitts of a young feller named Walt Disney. Though nothing came of that particular moment, ten years later Disney created a talking rat, and the rest is history. Or is it? For resident wise-guy Alexander "Pain" Anderson, "history is bunk" and the future is 3-D dimensional computerized robots who will be telling us what to eat, how to drink and where to do our private business (hint: it won't be where you think). Mr. Anderson's current throne of ease is something called "The Fanatical Mr. Fox" and, like Pliny the Elder, I am here to bear witness to the end times so that those who follow us will at least know there were some of us who bore witness to the old ways that people entertained themselves before computers got "virtualized" and racks of "servers" replaced poppy fields in places like Afghanistan and the "Thai" triangle. Looked at rationally, the movie stilll presents "characters" speaking "dialogue" and interacting in "situations" that have a certain level of rising "conflict" resulting in a "climax" resolved in a "denoument." But that's where the similarity between "Foxes" and, say, "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" begins and ends. Mr. Anderson and his ilk have decided that the future belongs to them and those who aren't wearing exoskeletons made of titanium-encrusted iPhones and who have decided to bear their young "live" will have to find another way forward. I'm fine with that. But what about the children? The revolution can start today, and it's battle cry is "no more 3-D dimensional!"

From The Vault - Endgame

Up In Smoke (1978)

Starring: Chich and Chach Directed by: Sir Peter Hall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Austere dark comedy from the master of misery stars siamese twins Chich and Chach as a pair of ne'er-do-wells trading insults and a kind of desperate love as they wait for their "pusher" to arrive. While not for everyone, those who are willing to brave the spare landscape of the mind will not be disappointed. Bravo Sir Peter!

Out on Disk - Civil Warriors

Azumi 2: Death or Love (2009)

Starring: Aye Ueto, Yuma Ishigaki Directed by: Shusuke Keneko Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Two young assassins are all that stand in the way of civil war in this tense actioner from Keneko. Ueto and Ishikagi are still excellent the second time around, but the sophisticated story and character exposition of the first movie seem to get pushed aside as the action comes center stage. First rate fighting and great cinematography and sound, but something's missing here. Probably only for Keneko fans as those unable to slake their thirst for the Azumi story.

G.I. Jerk

G.I. Joe: Cobra Rising

Starring: Nobody Directed by: Dale Carman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other: Closed Captioned; English: Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo

Review The odd and violent world of military "sci-ops" is largely left on the cutting room floor by director Carman ("Donizetti's Carmen") who directs the action as if he were trying to put a cat to sleep by injecting it with a syringe of 100% pure turgidity. The entire movie is shot from below via something called "snake-cam" so that the most memorable image is what looks to be an accidental "up-skirt" of a young man in leather pants attached to what appeared to be two adolescent cantaloupes. Who is this thing for? Certainly not for my, admittedly somewhat elderly, significant other who interrupted the proceedings every few moments by gasping "why is that man trying to inflate that woman?" Stumped, I could only keep feeding her jujubees, one by one, until she stopped breathing (I hadn't realized she had a malt ball blocking her airway). Breathing was not a problem for the half a dozen other denizens of our local cinema - their deafening, stertorous horse-snores almost managed to compete with the monumentally dismal soundtrack, which alternately blared a version of the National Anthem performed by something called "Throg" and a sort of tango music produced by what sounded like bongos made of human skin with the mouth still attached. Hollywood, you strange, sinuous lady. Sometimes your siren call is a peacock screech, reminding us that even the great Orson Wellies could occasionally produce a short, sharp wet willie.

Distinctly Nein

DISTRICTNINE (2009)

Starring: Justin Cope Directed by: Neal BlomfonKampf Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review This turgid "rethink" of The British Broadcasting Corporation's "The Office" "imagineers" what would happen if a bunch of ne'er do well aliens got stuck in a waiting room that God called "Africa." If your jaw is hanging as slack as mine in disbelief that they're making this YET AGAIN, then give yourself a sweet sweet Nilla wafer. Former Journey guitarist Neal BlomfonKampf ("The Night The Lights Went Down in the City") takes all those 70's heavy metal rock star bucks and converts them to fool's gold krugerands. If he'd bother to put down his "doobie" long enough to learn a bit about the history of film, he would have known that there was a little "flick" in the fifties called "When The Gods Made The Gods Crazy" about... wait for it... a bunch of aliens who fall from an an airplane and... you get the rest. A bit of fatherly advice Mr. BlomfonKampf from someone who's admired your music from afar (an admission - I first made a move on my second cousin on the fold-out rear seat of a VW Squareback to the dulcet tones of Journey's mega-hit "Lady") - if a spaceship could make it across the light years of the galaxy it is highly unlikely it would need to stop for "gas." And even if it did, do you really think that an advanced civilization couldn't figure out that the fossil fuels are concentrated in the MIDDLE EAST?!!! Mr. BlomfonKampf, you committed the cardinal sin of science fiction filmmaking - you forgot the science! That said, there are some lovely performances, including Sharleton Copington's poignant evocation of Boris Karloff ("Targets")  in "The Little House That Was Left" (as a bonus, check THAT one out for chills!).  I may have scolded a bit here, but I encourage Mr. BlomfonKampf to try a couple of commercials to get the hang of this business and return with a fully-baked idea. I'll look forward to it!

Gory Glory

INGLORI*** BASTARDS (2009)

Starring: Brad Pit Directed by: Quint Tarentinino Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review What is it about history that drives directors so mad? Whatever it is, I hope that history keeps it up because Tarentinino's latest is the kind of crazy magic that only someone like Jimmi Hendrickx ("Hey Jobe")  could summon with a Stratocaster and a lighter - and that only on a good night when the wind came from the west! So what exactly have we got here? Imagine Jesus with a pitchfork, or Mohammed with the middle eastern equivalent of a pitchfork. Consider this dynamic duo poking their way through hoards of ravenous nazis who lose body parts like a newt in a cuisinart. Tarentinino's dirty dozen is led by a scenery-engulfing Brad Pit ("The Miniaturization of Benjamin Button"). Those who follow this reviewer know his disdain for dimwitted portrayals of bacon-grease-inflected southern dunderheads gumming straw and fornicating with prone  foreigners in a moonshine-induced hysteria brought on by lack of sanitary conditions. And Pit nails it! Tarentinino,  clearly sensitive to the holocaust theme, keeps the number of severed genitals within reason, but when it's time to pull out the big guns he remains one of our few american directors unafraid to pull them out. Here he brandishes dialogue like the devil's forked tongue, ripping hilarious riposte after hilarious riposte in a dialogue-fest replete with such aphorisms as "Donald Duck can suck my d**ck." Anyone else reminded of e.e. cummings' ("buffalo bill was a clean man")  "Death of a Ball Turrett Gunner?" Okay, that might be a stretch for a man who put Ving Ramses in an afro but I'm enthusiastic about this effort. That Tarentinino has grown as an artist can no longer be in doubt. I think a real love story cannot be far off now. I, for one, am looking forward to it. BTW Don't miss cameos by Michael Myers ("I Am a Hatchet Murderer") as Sir Winston Churchill and Eli Hoste ("The Host") as the great Jewish leader Ben Gurion. The DVD extras should be a hoot!

Three Gross

300(2005)

Starring: Jock McGregor, Tyne Daly, Ru Paul Directed by: Leon Uris Rating: R Genre: Action/Adventure

Review For those of us lucky enough to have seen a little thing called "Braveheart" loth those many years ago, the new film "300" will strike a bell. Crazed Scotsmen revealing a little more of "wee willie" than mother might like, bring it on like smoke on lox. With stomachs like a brace of eels and rock-hard beards ZZ Top can only dream of, the boys of Enoch Burris rock Persians until they can't stands no more. Don't scoff. The truth is that a hardy tribe of sweaty Scots madmen did save Greek civilization once upon a time in a little know place called Persepolis. Puppet-headed Jock McGregor stars as Hercules, the leader of the band, fighting Ru Paul (on stilts!) and a horde of disgusting outworlders (Orcs courtesy of Lord of the Rings director Francis Coppolla). When all seems lost, McGregor makes a thrilling final stand, climactically leaping upon all 10,000 of the invaders and trying to smother them in his armpits. Paul then turns him into a human pincushion, which only makes him mad. He then bleeds so profusely that the Persians begin to vomit and give up. Leave it to a Scotsman to change the course of history by making people sick. Really, though, leave the kids at home. They get enough of this on their XBoxes, and there is no point in them being disillusioned about history so young. I say let them have their Chuck Norrises - we've got Homer!

Cheese-Whiz Royalty Hit the Pool

Lords of Dogtown (2005)

Starring: Keanu Reeves Directed by: Lady Catherine Hardwicke Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review They aren't lords and there is no Dogtown. If you can get over that you just might find yourself entranced by this story of three ne'er-do-wells and their search for the perfect skating wave (as it were). Keanu Reeves (Little Buddha) hits it out of the park as "Spacey" - the smart one. Victor Rasuk is "Cheesey" - who you just know is going to get killed because he's hispanic. And newcomer Emile Hirsch plays "Nacho" - the quiet one who makes it to the bigtime. Lady Catherine Hardwicke steps down from her throne just long enough to deliver the goods here. I may be a sucker but I "dug" it.

Bald Isn't Always Beautiful, Baby

THX118 (1971)

Starring: Robert Duvall, Donald Pleasence Directed by: George Lucas Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review This Star Wars "prequel" (a film term for a movie that precedes the sequel to a successful film) appears to have been pieced together from bus fare change. Bald folks wander around in a stupor. It looks like a Hair Club For Men terror ad. Lucas is a genius (see Howard the Duck for surprising evidence of this) but he was badly advised by his advisors here. Still, if this was the price for us to get Obi-Wan Kenobi-Wan and Luke Star War then I'll willingly pay this eccentric piper.

Brothers Deliver A Heavy Load

The Matrix (1999)
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Starring: Keenu Reeves, Laurence Fishman Directed by: Joel Coen Rating: R Genre: Sci-Fi & Fantasy Other

Review Keenu Reeves stars as an alien who discovers that he is God in this stunning sequel to Ridley Scott's Blade Runner. Lawrence Fishman (bald!) is the unfortunate doctor who must break the news to Reaves. With no way out, Reeves decides the only way to save the world is to face his alien parents and flush them down what looks like a giant lavatory. But don't let that description put you off. I learned more about the Bible from this movie than ten years of Sunday school. Stunning commentary track with a surprisingly insightful Reeves and director Coen discussing if God is a software programmer.