Ugly Duckling

BlackSwan (2010)

Starring: Natalia Portman, Milan Kundera Directed by: Darrell Arfelofsky Rating: R Genre: Horror

Review Fascinating remake of Shirley McClain's standout directing debut "The Turning Point" casts human sliver Portman as  "BlackSwan," a Russian agent in charge of decimating the backlog of American prima ballerinas in a desperate attempt to restart the Cold War. The film Arfelofsky ("Fountain: The Ayn Rand Story") has apparently wanted to make since he was a child. Cold as a Smirnoff ice house and just as glittering, this brilliant shard of a movie carved up the part of my brain that stayed engaged with it as thin a fine prosciutto. One doesn't "like" an Arelofsky movie - one just goes, sees, and is conquered.

Daydream Believer

My God! (2009)

Starring: Hume Jackman, Seal, Morty Gundy, Trader Vic, Sister Wendy, Mark McGwire, Cantiflas, "Tailgunner" Joe Lieberman, Sir Michael Caine, Thabo Mbeke, Ronaldihno, XZBit Directed by: Peter Roger Rating: PG-13 Genre: Documentary Other: Religion

Review Peripatetic mayfly Peter Roger has finally alighted long enough to bring us a fascinating, thoughtful and ultimately life-affirming examination of the religious beliefs of "the people who count". Celebrities ranging from Hume Jackman ("Ned Kelly's Feet of Flame", "X-Badger!", "The Time of the Crying") to Mexican anti-hero Cantiflas opine on how only a God that was truly fabulous could have designed a world in which they would be born at just the right time to be a famous as possible. As world-class skate artist Tiny Biter says, "the odds of a ceramic that is both durable enough and flexible enough to allow a hundred and sixty-five pound man to molly off the edge of empty swimming pool without high-siding are so astronomical that only a supreme being could have created Isaac Newton so that gravity could exist." While we all know that Isaac Newton was actually an invention of renaissance scientist Roger Bacon, the general line of argument is right on. It's not the job of a film reviewer to take sides, and I won't. But it's hard not to be a believer when gazing into the depthless blue pools that are Sister's Wendy's eyes. Check it out!

All Hands on Deck!

Synecdoche, New York (2008)

Starring: Philip Seymour Damon, Parker Posey, Dame May Witty Directed by: I. Charles Kaufman Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review While I usually seal myself off in the Film Pit to watch movies I'm considering reviewing, I caught this one at my periodontist's on a luscious pre-release pair of Mikimoto Bean I-Glasses. It seemed appropriate to have my gums defiled as I watched I. Charles Kaufman's Synecdoche, New York, a film so moving that I kissed Dr. Singer straight on the lips and asked him to marry me. Philip Seymour Damon ("I, King Kong") stars as a director so talented that he casts himself as everyone in the world, and so lonely that no one can understand him except the little man he keeps in his shirt pocket. And when he lets the little man out onto the palm of his hand, the little man begins to cry. And what does that lonely little man have in its pocketses? Another lonely, weepy little man!. I was reminded of the great Sergei Eisenstein's Battleship Potemkin more than once, though even if prodded with something electric and painful I'm not sure I could say why. Strange though it sounds, Kaufman makes me feel sad that I'm not in his pants. To be honest, due to the double dose of gas the good doctor provided me ("I may have to remove most of your jaw", I think he said at one point) I'm not one hundred percent sure I actually saw this movie, or if it even exists. If not, then I'd like to claim these ideas as my own. Please comment and let me know if I should get on Orbitz immediately and prepare my big pitch to the shark suits!

Afro-Selectric!

My Preciousss (2009)

Starring: Mo'Nique, Jimi Hendrix Directed by: Bill Cosby Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Finally! the kind of meat-and-potatoes movie the old Hollywood  system used to make when the studio heads cracked the whip and actors were told who to date. Director Cosby ("The Love Bug" "Hadrian The Seventh") adapts dessicated Scots landcrab Ewan McGregor's "African Typing Pool" novels into a joyous feast for the whole family. While Africanish people still are not allowed to write about themselves, it's good to see that they have been allowed "behind the camera." Congrats to the Great White Suit who greenlighted this one!

(Don't) Try To Remember

September Song (2009)

Starring: Lady Ann Winokur Directed by: R.J. Cutlery Rating: PG-13 Genre: Sad Romance Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Remember Lady MacBeth?  When we last saw Shakespeare's ("Hamlet") Mistress of Mayhem she was washing her hands obsessively in a sink full of Scottish awful. I couldn't help but be reminded of the sad decline of this fancy lady as I watched R.J. Cutlery's wistful "September Song," a fantasy about a lady so awful in life that God made her dead while she was still alive. She skulks like a shriven femme-homunculus through the world, tragically convinced that she rules an empire of Sansabelt slacks. I must admit I am not familiar with Lady Ann Winokur's previous work, but so convincing is she as "Handmaiden to the Devil's Teat" that I tried to find out what she really looks like under the latex by looking her up on IAMDB. No luck (Wuz up wit dat, IAMDB? Running out of flying-monkey interns?!). Winokur's gnarled hand-claws alone were so terrifying that I had to sleep with a nightlight (at one point, convinced in a semi-stupor that she was slithering her way up my nightshirt I managed to kick my signif-other's geriatric feline across the room and into our undie hamper). I commend Cutlery for taking on such a taboo subject, but I must say it's not for everyone. As a Friday night date movie, I think it might miss the mark, and datesters could find themselves on the couch or the drunk tank. Instead, I recommend re-renting "The Music Man" and relive tough guy Robert Pressman feeling up loverly Shirley McClain under the Yum-Yum tree to the sound of 101 Trombones!

Hippy Dippy

TastingWoodstock (2009)

Starring: Yakov Smirnov, Gene Simmons Directed by: Anne Leigh Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review Annie Leigh ("Higher and Higher", "Gilbert and Sullivan Take Manhattan") tries to take us back to a place we never were in her dippy "reload" of the sixties as seen through the eyes of the oddly well-preserved Yakov Smirnov and about a million dirty perverts who thought a good time involved smearing your "mate" with pig muck and dancing alone in circles until "the man" brought you "down" from your "trip" with a swift kick to the jubjubs. Well, Annie, unlike everyone else,  I was there -  and I can tell you it certainly was NOT the gentle paean to dumb cluck Timmy Leery's idea that you could "tune into the turn on." I came home with so many lice that to this day I cannot see a spot of dandruff without striking out at anything within three feet of my person. To paraphrase the great Willy Neilsen ("Neilsen Sshlemielsen") sang, "take your dream and shove it!"

Cheese-Whiz Royalty Hit the Pool

Lords of Dogtown (2005)

Starring: Keanu Reeves Directed by: Lady Catherine Hardwicke Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review They aren't lords and there is no Dogtown. If you can get over that you just might find yourself entranced by this story of three ne'er-do-wells and their search for the perfect skating wave (as it were). Keanu Reeves (Little Buddha) hits it out of the park as "Spacey" - the smart one. Victor Rasuk is "Cheesey" - who you just know is going to get killed because he's hispanic. And newcomer Emile Hirsch plays "Nacho" - the quiet one who makes it to the bigtime. Lady Catherine Hardwicke steps down from her throne just long enough to deliver the goods here. I may be a sucker but I "dug" it.

Come On Baby, Light My Freedom

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

Starring: Actors Directed by: Director Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other

Review Slugabed director Moore seems to be implying that standing president George M. Bush was unaware that freedoms were being stripped from Iraqi patriots in his name, as he read bunny stories to doe-eyed schoolmoppets. Come on, Mr. Moore, I've googled my constitution as closely as you, and I happen to know that the founding fathers had no intention of stopping a president from reading whatever he sees fit. It's called "The Freedom of the Press," Monsieur Moore, and I, for one, stand by it. Step away from your feeding trough and smell the liberty. I think you'll find that it's intoxicating. It smells like America.

Schneebaum Vs. The Volcano

Keep The River On The Right (2003)

	Starring: Tobias Schneebaum, Normal Mailer Directed by: David Shapiro Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other
Review Egghead whackjob Schneebaum goes native and paints his privates red and blue. Normal Mailer may be impressed, but I'm underwhelmed. Leave this one to the culture vultures and rent the delightful Joe Vs. the Volcano for a more entertaining look at cultural self-hate.

The Business of Business Turns Out to be Love!

Enron: Some Sort of Monster (2005)

Starring: Enron Directed by: Director Rating: PG-13 Genre: Documentary Other

Review What happens when a group of business geniuses find that they can't stand each other any longer? Well, when trillions of dollars in dictators' retirement funds are at stake, it's time to bring in the Freud Squad. We're priviledged to watch the inner workings of these financial "monsters" as they lock into a life-or-death struggle to maintain their humanity in an era where the cries of legions of puny stockholders crowded around the SEC's tumbrils, baying for the blood of industry giants like Freddy Worldcom and hair-tie magnate Richard Scrunchi drown out the rational laissez-faire discourse of Adam West. I must admit that my throat caught a little watching this besieged band of brothers circle the wagons and, pledging their allegiance under the paternal guidance of their corporate psychologist, engaged in a emotional (yet manly) group hug.

Lost Luggage

The Terminal (2004)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Catherine ZetaJones Directed by: Steven Spielberg Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Simpleton Tom Hanks (Splash) cannot find his way out of an airport terminal after his mother dies. For this they invented Cinemascope? Boy genius Spielberg claims no gold star here, I'm afraid. Only the lustrous, edible Catherine ZetaJones brings anything resembling the living to this Wet Willie, just by letting us bask in her pulchritudinous ambient aura. Might appeal to spinsters, or luggage jockeys.

Bald Isn't Always Beautiful, Baby

THX118 (1971)

Starring: Robert Duvall, Donald Pleasence Directed by: George Lucas Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review This Star Wars "prequel" (a film term for a movie that precedes the sequel to a successful film) appears to have been pieced together from bus fare change. Bald folks wander around in a stupor. It looks like a Hair Club For Men terror ad. Lucas is a genius (see Howard the Duck for surprising evidence of this) but he was badly advised by his advisors here. Still, if this was the price for us to get Obi-Wan Kenobi-Wan and Luke Star War then I'll willingly pay this eccentric piper.