Ugly Duckling

BlackSwan (2010)

Starring: Natalia Portman, Milan Kundera Directed by: Darrell Arfelofsky Rating: R Genre: Horror

Review Fascinating remake of Shirley McClain's standout directing debut "The Turning Point" casts human sliver Portman as  "BlackSwan," a Russian agent in charge of decimating the backlog of American prima ballerinas in a desperate attempt to restart the Cold War. The film Arfelofsky ("Fountain: The Ayn Rand Story") has apparently wanted to make since he was a child. Cold as a Smirnoff ice house and just as glittering, this brilliant shard of a movie carved up the part of my brain that stayed engaged with it as thin a fine prosciutto. One doesn't "like" an Arelofsky movie - one just goes, sees, and is conquered.

Flat Foxes

The Fanatical Mr. Fox (2009)

Starring: George Coonley, Bill Murray, Angie Dickinson Directed by: Alexander "Pain" Anderson Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other: CGI

Review In 1937 a Hungarian genius named "Mad" George Pal was carving a bar of soap into a more rounded bar of soap when it slipped out of his grip and directly into the mitts of a young feller named Walt Disney. Though nothing came of that particular moment, ten years later Disney created a talking rat, and the rest is history. Or is it? For resident wise-guy Alexander "Pain" Anderson, "history is bunk" and the future is 3-D dimensional computerized robots who will be telling us what to eat, how to drink and where to do our private business (hint: it won't be where you think). Mr. Anderson's current throne of ease is something called "The Fanatical Mr. Fox" and, like Pliny the Elder, I am here to bear witness to the end times so that those who follow us will at least know there were some of us who bore witness to the old ways that people entertained themselves before computers got "virtualized" and racks of "servers" replaced poppy fields in places like Afghanistan and the "Thai" triangle. Looked at rationally, the movie stilll presents "characters" speaking "dialogue" and interacting in "situations" that have a certain level of rising "conflict" resulting in a "climax" resolved in a "denoument." But that's where the similarity between "Foxes" and, say, "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" begins and ends. Mr. Anderson and his ilk have decided that the future belongs to them and those who aren't wearing exoskeletons made of titanium-encrusted iPhones and who have decided to bear their young "live" will have to find another way forward. I'm fine with that. But what about the children? The revolution can start today, and it's battle cry is "no more 3-D dimensional!"

Friday Night Special - Paved With Good Intentions

On The Road (2009)

Starring: Vigor Morgenstern, Ash "Scrappy" Montana, Charlene Thorzine Directed by: John Hillerman Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other: Scenes of Apocalypse

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review As the happy Mork-slaughtering hobblits sang, "The road goes ever on..." And does it ever in this misguided "reboot" of the popular post-war "Road To..." series. Originally penned by the bumbling Cohen brothers, former Magnum P.I. star John Hillerman churns Bob and Bing's idyllic butter into rancid sour cream, turning Dotty L'Amour-flavored Bali into a scarred earth that appears to have been bump-mapped from Abe Vigoda's tragic face. Vigor Mogenstern, so good as the mentally-challenged boxer in Peter Jackson's remake of "Fat City" is here teamed with enormously talented youngster Ash "Scrappy" Montana as a pair of fathers and sons who traipse across country searching for the last twinkie in the universe. Not a huge hook to hang this four-hundred minute sombrero upon, but Hillerman does what he can with the Cohens' global-warming nonsense. I personally was left with a tremendous sense of unease, which can't have pleased Mr. Walt Disney or his marketing minions beavering away in their fur-lined hidey-holes at their carpal-tunneling adding machines. And, while I reserve the right to disagree with Hillerman's wrong-minded conclusions, I'd fight an eighteen stone she-badger to defend his right to spout them. All in all, this may not be fatback, but rather very lean Canadian bacon. Those on a spiritual diet may be amused. The rest of us will have to exert enough self-control not to kill the theater staff and burn the mutliplex to the ground. And in the end, maybe that is the point Hillerman is after - conscience makes bastards of us all.

Get Thee Behind Me Bergman

Anti-Christ (2009)

Starring: Wilhelm Dafoe, Carlotta Rampling Directed by: Lar Von Trier Rating: R Genre: Drama Other: Accents

Review Afro-Swedish person Von Trier is a mad genius, whose previous provocations "Motion Sickness", "Dogtown" and the Wilf Errell vehicle "Oldboy" have proven without a doubt that Schopenhauer was right when he complained in his essay on noise that "a wagonful of dung can kill in the bud a thousand minds." His latest, "Anti-Christ", asks the question "is Wilhelm Dafoe a human or is he a muppet formed from the molted remains of some kind of human/insect hybrid"? No easy answers here.  Instead, the chubby Swede with the naturally glossy eyebrows challenges us to watch the screen for five hundred and fify-three straight minutes until we long for the days when human hairs trapped between the celluloid and the projector's lamp jumped and danced for our amusement. Of course Von Trier IS the eponymous anti-Christ of the title. Christ was a gentle, loving man who understood our need for wine at critical times in our gestation. Von Trier wisely offers us no other narcotic than the luminous byproduct of his furious cranium. By the halfway point most of the bussed-in children and their foreign exchange counterparts had already left the theater, and those that remained showered the adults in the first two rows with Jujubees until one elderly gentleman threatened an usher with some kind of wolf-headed cane. And by the time Dafoe's flaking carapace made love to similarly Triscuit-skinned French/English cannibal Carlotta Rampling, one half the crowd was singing Queen's masterpiece "Bohemian Rhapsody" in a round while the other half had pinned the projectionist under the handicapped seating and appeared to be trying to tear him in half with a series of slings made of red whips. It's the kind of thing that won't show up in the box score the next day, but the film-scholar Sabremetricians of the future will surely mark its significance. I had to leave a bit early, but I was definitely curious how it all worked out. Can any filmmaker ask more?

Scrambled Eggs Blooper

Where Are The Wild Things Are (2009)

Starring: Tom Hank, Katherine O'Keener Directed by: Spike Leez Rating: PG Genre: Children Other

Review Defenseless dead writer Doctor Seuss' crypt is defiled once again, this time by Nike director Spike Leez ("Happy Daze", "Being Hammad Karzai") who fails the master's litmus test in spectacular fashion. Actor-Most-Likely-To-Buy-Gum-From-The-Bottom-of-Jimmy-Stewart's-Shoe-On-Ebay Tom Hank ("Splashed", "They Were Interdependable") stars as a small child forced to confront a giant plate of talking scrambled eggs (Katherine O'Keener ["The Forty Year Old Midget", "Undies"]) who make fun of him until he cries. This apparently teaches him that it's okay to eat any food that makes you feel bad.  Whatever, Mr. Leez. I must confess that by the end I was moved to tears when a tree stump explains to Hank that it's okay to hate your parents as long as you don't kill them until they are really old. But in the era of Lord Ronald Howard's "Grench" that's not quite enough. A well-intentioned try, but questionably worthy of your hard-earned sawbucks.

Huffing and Puffing

Whippets (2009)

Starring: Elaine Paige Directed by: Lady Drew Barrymore Rating: R Genre: Drama Other: Sports

Review This important film by Lady Drew Barrymore (!) draws back the shades from the dark side of dentistry. Elaine Paige ("I'm Drunk, I'm Loud  And I'm Snoring On Your Shoulder: A One Woman Show", "Expectorants In Love") comes out of retirement to play a young(!) woman whose addiction to dairy topping propellants leads her into the dangerous and smelly world of female roller skating. Barrymore ("Screams", "Boozle and the Kid", "Rabinnical School Daze" ) has taken on the powerful ADA and I, for one, am thankful. I think you will be too.

Bite My Fire!

Jennifer And Her Body (2009)

Starring: Jenny Lopes, Amanda Sigfried, Adrian Brody Directed by: Karen Kwasimoto Rating: R Genre: Horror Other

Review Body-of-the-month Jenny Lopes ("Jenny's Hood", "Side Out", "Backsliders") stars as a wise-cracking vampire cheerleader who finds herself knocked up by hatchet-faced beanpole Adrian Brody ("The Pianoist") and takes it out on a series of middle-class men facing the "change of life."  Kwasimoto ("RollerFighter", "RollerFighter 2: AeroFlux") can't seem to figure out quite what she's got here. At times the film plays like Woody Allen vomiting through the small slats of a hockey mask, while other times I was reminded of the quiet pleasures of Thelma vs. Louise.   Cinnamon-Lifesaver-hot young writer (and sometime hand model!) Ellen de Diabolique wrote the script, purportedly based on a weekend spent with L.A. madman Steve Martin.  Whatever, I think she might be onto something, because I find the whole vampire thing simply impossible to ignore. One bit of advice for Ms. Kwasimoto - what about vampires in the business world?! Call me!

Summer Daze

The 500 Days Of The Summer (2009)

Starring: Zooey Salinger von Keaton, Haley Joe Levin Directed by: The Web Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Who would have thought that someone who calls himself "The Web" (like The Sting) would produce the most thoughtful and delightful romantic comedy of the summer? Kooky, kicky zooey Salinger von Keaton ("Butterflies Are Free 2") and Haley Joe Levin ("The Dead Have Eyes") star as star-crossed lovers who must overcome her intense dislike of him in order to discover what it is about him that needs to be changed. To complicate matters, von Keaton is short-term-memory-otherly-abled and keeps forgetting who Levin is. The twist is that she's initially attracted to him and only slowly discovers that she hates him. But then, bing, The Web "jump-cuts" and we're right back to where we were. If all that sounds  confusing, it is. But who cares? The lobster (spoiler alert!) escape scene is hilarious and when von Keaton, slim and boyish as a young Ricky Schroedinger ("Cats"), bats her truck-tire-sized peepers, who can resist? Not me. I give this one a big sloppy end-of-summer kiss. Enjoy!

Gory Glory

INGLORI*** BASTARDS (2009)

Starring: Brad Pit Directed by: Quint Tarentinino Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review What is it about history that drives directors so mad? Whatever it is, I hope that history keeps it up because Tarentinino's latest is the kind of crazy magic that only someone like Jimmi Hendrickx ("Hey Jobe")  could summon with a Stratocaster and a lighter - and that only on a good night when the wind came from the west! So what exactly have we got here? Imagine Jesus with a pitchfork, or Mohammed with the middle eastern equivalent of a pitchfork. Consider this dynamic duo poking their way through hoards of ravenous nazis who lose body parts like a newt in a cuisinart. Tarentinino's dirty dozen is led by a scenery-engulfing Brad Pit ("The Miniaturization of Benjamin Button"). Those who follow this reviewer know his disdain for dimwitted portrayals of bacon-grease-inflected southern dunderheads gumming straw and fornicating with prone  foreigners in a moonshine-induced hysteria brought on by lack of sanitary conditions. And Pit nails it! Tarentinino,  clearly sensitive to the holocaust theme, keeps the number of severed genitals within reason, but when it's time to pull out the big guns he remains one of our few american directors unafraid to pull them out. Here he brandishes dialogue like the devil's forked tongue, ripping hilarious riposte after hilarious riposte in a dialogue-fest replete with such aphorisms as "Donald Duck can suck my d**ck." Anyone else reminded of e.e. cummings' ("buffalo bill was a clean man")  "Death of a Ball Turrett Gunner?" Okay, that might be a stretch for a man who put Ving Ramses in an afro but I'm enthusiastic about this effort. That Tarentinino has grown as an artist can no longer be in doubt. I think a real love story cannot be far off now. I, for one, am looking forward to it. BTW Don't miss cameos by Michael Myers ("I Am a Hatchet Murderer") as Sir Winston Churchill and Eli Hoste ("The Host") as the great Jewish leader Ben Gurion. The DVD extras should be a hoot!

Cheese-Whiz Royalty Hit the Pool

Lords of Dogtown (2005)

Starring: Keanu Reeves Directed by: Lady Catherine Hardwicke Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review They aren't lords and there is no Dogtown. If you can get over that you just might find yourself entranced by this story of three ne'er-do-wells and their search for the perfect skating wave (as it were). Keanu Reeves (Little Buddha) hits it out of the park as "Spacey" - the smart one. Victor Rasuk is "Cheesey" - who you just know is going to get killed because he's hispanic. And newcomer Emile Hirsch plays "Nacho" - the quiet one who makes it to the bigtime. Lady Catherine Hardwicke steps down from her throne just long enough to deliver the goods here. I may be a sucker but I "dug" it.

Fish Story

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004)

Starring: Bill Murray, Dame Katherine Blachett Directed by: Wesley Anderson Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review The mysterious world of the sea is the ostensible subject of former Star Trek boy genius Wesley Anderson's latest film, and yet one can't help but wonder if it's Anderson's own childhood that's really at play here. Oceanic scientists (oceanographers) often refer to the sea as "inner space." Anderson's childhood was spent, in a sense, in a televised "outer" space. And Bill Murray has grown a mighty and dramatic ventre that, when tucked into a militarily-fetish frogman's suit, is uncannily like the little potbelly that bulged so fetchingly above Captain Kirk's smart black belt. Anderson seems to be saying that our heros, whatever their shortcomings, are always a little fat. And perhaps even more to the point, they'll always disappoint (and in some cases [spoiler alert!] KILL) us in the end. Beautiful underwater photography reminiscent of the old SeaHunt series only serves to highlight the machinations of a mad crew seemingly bent on destroying every living creature in the sea. One can't help but think back to old french bastard Jacques Cousteau's horrific battles with parrotfish and the legendary "greasemonkey" eel. Anderson's love of Cousteau comes across in every frame. This is an homage to a time when television wasn't afraid to cast an arrogant foreigner as the good guy and a cute dolphin as the devil. Sail on, Captain Anderson. Sail on to whatever your destiny may hold!

Cruis-in!

Memento (2000)
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Starring: Tom Cruise, Carrie-Anne Moss Directed by: Christopher Nolen Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Tom Cruise tears the screen to shreds in this quixotic sci-fi thriller about a man bonked on the head who discovers that he's moving backwards in time. And what does he find? He's killed (spoiler) HIMSELF!! Director Nolen knows how to handle a camera but it's Cruise who is the revelation as a man so confused he has to take pictures to remember who he is. Crazy stuff from an actor unafraid to make a fool of himself. We should all be so talented!