Friday Night Special - The Lower Depths

The Interned (2015)

Starring: Robert De Deniro, Amy Adams Directed by: Dame Nancy Meyers Rating: PG Genre: Drama

Review Director and former basketball wunderkind Meyers ("The Diaper", "Hungry Architects", "Dog Walkers 2: The Elder Strolls") knocks it out of the park yet again with this chilling, sexy thriller about young people and the old people who won't stop calling them on their land lines. Adams ("Beaver People", "Diverticulicious: The Eating of Julia Child") stars as a put-upon web "billionaire" whose startup rockets to the top of the intertubes by providing a mobile "app" that matches up women terrified of commitment with men so old that it shouldn't be an issue. De Deniro, so fabulous as the fat, psychopathic rabbi in Dayvid Fincher's "Rabbid" turns yet another cheek as a man so old and so unpleasant that Adams can't resist him. Some will have to look away as they commit sex in the New York Athletic Club's members-only humidor. But if there was ever a reason for 3-D dimensional, this was it. Include me in!

Hesher, Saved From Drowning

Go For it, Hesher! (2011)

Starring: Joseph Gordon Levine, Rainmaker, Natalie Portman Directed by: Denny Terrio Rating: R Genre: Drama Other: Inspirational Dancing

Review In pre-war France the great Rene Clair made a series of films about a drunken clown who defiles middle class families, all with the name Boudu Sauve des Eaux. Forty years later a giant bearded genius named Zero Mostel destroyed the lives of his teenager daughters in David Lean's "Fiddler on the Roof." Now, fifty years on, out of nowhere, disco dance sensation Denny Terrio pulls a rabbit out of that same dirty, dirty hat with "Go For It, Hesher!" a quirky, quixotic romp through the sewers of the mind - with bells on! Terrio ("Stayin' Alive 2: Ontario Dreams!") elicits  electric performances from teen dream sensations David Gordon Levine and Natalie Portman as star-crossed lovers on a road paved with the diamonds of the stars trampled beneath their feet by dreams they can only imagine, and nightmares they can only dream do not occur to their imaginations. Levine ("Walking Tall 5: Pusser vs. Billy Jack", "Lightning Bug: The Adam Ant Story") is particularly fine as a pouty-lipped young circus roustabout with a skateboard, a penchant for Virginia Slims hidden in a pack of Djarum Blacks and a one way ticket to Palookaville. Portman, so good as tragic Norwegian skating sensation Sonje Heine ("Quisling On Ice"), takes it down a couple of notches here as Rita a girl who, on the cusp of her "Quincenera" - a latin ritual for girls in which the young initiate learns that only her brothers will be allowed to attend college, must choose between the Talmud and the dark red mesh open-toed dance shoe. What you think you've seen before turns before your eyes into a delicate mix of black blood sausage and jasmine incense - something unexpected yet fragrant, but not unplesantly so.  I won't give away the shock ending, but be sure to bring a friend with plenty of kleenex and a change of socks. Enjoy! p.s. Yes, that is Sting reciting the Kaddish during the shivah montage.

Low Blow

SuckerPunch (2011)

Starring: Emily Brownbottom, Abbie Cornwall, Scott Glenn Directed by: Zack Snyder Rating: PG-13 Genre: Thriller

Review Terrific remake of "Shock Corridor" director Sam Fuller's "Snake Pit" with newcomer Emily Brownbottom in the Olivia D'Havilland role as a pretty young loony who connives with a young Carl Jung (John-John Ham) to convince an even younger and prettier heiress (Abbie Cornwall - "Fly Robin Fly - the Silver Convention Story") that her money is actually a nest of robot spider that can only be controlled through a series of grisly seduction/murders of the rest of the staff. Confusing, absurd and absolutely riveting in its exploration of the wisdom of young women and the bad choices we all make when we imagine that they are looking at us across a Starbucks when in fact we are all but invisible to anyone younger than 40.  Snyder, who previously turned a tiny incident in Spartan history into international hysteria (and inadvertently gave Colin Powell the "verve" pipe he needed to launch the second invasion of Iraq), here shows an uncanny ability to put his hand up a young actress and make her do his bidding.  Not for children, or adults of children, or for older ladies who incessantly question plot points and point out the children of former leading ladies, or really for anyone disturbed by the idea that our psychiatric institutions may be susceptible to "social engineering hacks". But for those remaining, a more-than-adequate substitute for the kind of pleasure we used to receive through physical contact on an occasionally Friday night drive-in rendezvous.

To Thine Known Self Be True

What Do You Know (2010)

Starring: Gabrielle Reece, Paula Rugg, Jack Nicholson, Stubby Shavers Directed by: Jim Brooks Rating: PG-13 Genre: Tragedy Other

Review Once a year a fish known as a "grunion" beaches itself by the millions in the wet sands of San Diego in order to bring forth the next generation. And just as regularly "Jim" Brooks beaches himself on the boards of Hollywood to produce a film that will spawn a million imitations by never-shall-be's like Judge Apatown and "Jim" Jarmusch. "What Do You Know" (a subtle but appreciative nod to Dante's "Milton Lost") concerns a number of attractive people and Jack Nicholson doing what they do best - being the kind of people you know and that you are. And Jack Nicholson.  Like the piscatorial connoisseur, reap this little harvest of joy before Mr. Brooks shuffles off this little blue coil. You won't be disappointed. Note to Arwen - No, Ms. Witherspoon is clean-shaven.

Deaf in Venice

The Tourist (2010)

Starring: John Depp, Angelina Jolie, Richard Jenkins Directed by: DIRECTOR Rating: RATING Genre: GENRE Other Count Florenz von Donner Ziefeld

Review The great otherly-abled English boor  Boswell Johson once informed Queen Elizabeth that "both fish and guests stink after three days" but in that, as in so many other ways, he has been proved wrong yet again as mega-stars John Depp and Angelina Jolie rend the veil between acting and being as a pair of Americans who turn Venice (Italy) into a land of mystery and romance. Depp, whom we last saw as a murderous C.S. Lewis in "The Ripper", plays "Lance," a deaf-mute attorney with a facial tick who meets Jolie ("Envelop Me") in a communal sauna (known as a "vaporetto") when they both end up in the same towel. I won't give away the surprise, but let's just say that things are not quite what they seem with either of them, or Italy itself. Jolie is a dangerous actor who can steal the skin off a cat, dye it purple and sew it back on before the feline can order a half-decaffeinated soy chai, so German director von Ziegfeld ("The Lumpen") knew he needed what they call "weight" in the business. Rumor has it that the count had to buy Depp's way out of a Marseille prison. But it's all up there on the screen. Delightful scenery, mystery, strangely uncomfortable sexuality and suspense make this a delightful way to waste a Friday night. Congrats all around!

Enceintevized

DUDE DATE (2010)

Starring: Jack Black, Robert Downey  Directed by: Sean Phillips  Rating: R  Genre: Comedy

Review The great French philosopher Henry Bergson once defined comedy as "tragedy plus humor." Dude Date is a bit o'  Christmas fun with Jack Black back in form as a sleek walrus pup man-child shepherding the righteous Bob Downey through a series of hilarious escapades ending in a huge comedy action scene designed to astound and delight. The right medicine for a holiday filled with unemployment, murder, madness and the threat of future taxation. I may have to reconsider Mr. Downey's previous work in the light of his serious commitment to finding the deep truths that lie like gems waiting to be discovered in even the most mundane of situations (urinating on your shoes in a public restroom, for instance). Warning: Those sensitive to animal endangerment may want to avoid the middle third of this flick (a dog is mutilated and partially consumed by Mr. Black) though I am assured that this was all accomplished with a team of French special effects experts.

Complexification Redux

It Is Complicated (2009)

Starring: Merrill Streep, Alex Baldwin, Steve Martin Directed by: Nancy Myers Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Drama Other

Review Former Clinton spokesperson and eighties basketball phenom Nancy Myers returns with another in her series of delightful dramedies about the difficulties that wealthy white women have in finding and hanging onto good Mexican help and sex partners able to keep up with their hectic schedules.  MacArthur "genius" winner Merrill Streep plays Jane Waldo, a wealthy and famous person who often cooks her own meals. After a hilarious run-in with a recalcitrant Brondell heated toilet, Jane is given the "411" by a sassy yet well-educated African-American nurse - her friends were right all along. All of her problems were caused by her jerky ex-husband. Alex Baldwin (the smart one) plays that jerk - Rip Masterson, a wealthy real estate developer with one eye for the ladies, another eye for the market, and (surprisingly) a third eye devoted to mastering the art of shiatsu, or Japanese deep massage (Masterson/mastering is just one of the clever allusions and puzzles Myers litters throughout the articulate and thoughtful script). The only turd in the ointment is Steve Martin's mute architect semi-love interest, "Steve." While Mr. Martin is better known for his theatrical "act" (in which he plays - of all things -  a banjo and tries to suck up to the college kids with references to Tutankamen and smoking) he might have been better advised to actually study both the art of acting and an actual vocally disabled person before sauntering his way onto the set, castanets a-blazing. To the best of my knowledge mute people can read lips, Mr. Martin! Sorry to disappoint you, but I guess MOMSMA (the Museum of Modern Steve Martin Art) will have to get an Oscar on loan again this year (try giving a professionally trained actor, like your friend Mr. Robin Williams, a call. I understand he has one!). Better yet, get started on Bowfinger 2. You were onto something there! One question that turns up repeatedly when discussing this movie is, "who is it aimed at?" Ms. Meyers, you are right to take this as the sling-ed arrow it's clearly meant to be. The truth is the demographic is everyone - from Nelson Mandela to Tiny Tim (the Dickens character, not the deceased ukulele-playing cherub who was reincarnated as art director Tim Burton). Shine on, you crazy diamond. We'll all be lucky to catch just a bit of your reflected glow!

From The Vault - No Fool Like a Young British Fool

Pride and Prejudiced (2005)

Starring: Keira Winslet, Dame Joan Sutherland, Directed by: Mighty Joe Young Rating: RATING Genre: GENRE Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review The British they are different than you and me. Take for instance this prickly bit of pear dug up from the boneyard orchard of 18th century writing which seeks to compare the horrors of being ignored at a fancy dance ball to slavery. Not sure what particular brand of "tea" young director Mighty Joe Young ("King Kong In Love") might have been sipping when he "greenlighted" this thing, but I suggest he take a look at Mr. Stephen Spielberg's "Amadeustad" for a history lesson. Stick that in your british crumpet and smoke it!

Friday Night Special - Night Of a Thousand Cuts

In The Cut (2003)

Starring: Megan Ryan, Marco Ruffantaglio, Keith Bacon Directed by: LaCatherine Breilliant Rating: R Genre: Romance Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review The strange and sexy world of "cutters" (people who cut themselves in order to remind themselves that they have blood) is explored by French director LaCatherine Breilliant ("The Waterlogged Piano", "J'aime Les Murs Salles", "Mon Père a etais Le Dernier Salle Roi de Maroc", "Les Spankings") in this nod to the lush Technicolor "womens" films of Douglas Sirk and Aldo Rey. Megan Ryan plays a writer recovering from an attack of bees incurred after following a bear into the woods who meets enticing Marco Ruffantaglio after he tears his t-shirt while repairing her dumbwaiter. Initially wildly attracted ("your mustache is like the parted hair of a well-groomed yeti"), she begins to suspect that he may have been involved in the ritual killings of a group of itinerant milkmaids. The story, based on a play by German plagiarist Frank Wedekind, is mostly an excuse for Breilliant to crank up the heat between the two stars. And it's true that we haven't seen such varied canoodling since Marlon Brando made "Irish" love to himself in the Jodorowsky-like epic "Missouri Jacks". But Ryan and Ruffantaglio make it work, sweating and struggling like a pair of weasels trying to dig their way out of a bed full of party coats. At four hours an twenty-two minutes, it could well seem a bit self-indulgent, but don't let that scare you off. Breilliant may be a touch "L'amour tojours" but this is one duck whose seductive quack is no decoy.

Christmas Mystery Revealed

Every Body Is Fine (2009)

Starring: Robert Dedeniro, Sam Rockpile, Drawn Buttermore, Katherine La Beckensdale Directed by: Kirk Hammett Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romantic Comedy Other

Review If men are from Mars, then Robert Dedeniro is from Super-Mars. Dedeniro and an exciting cast that includes fine "indie" actors Sam Rockpile ("Pass: The Alan White Story"), Drawn Buttermore ("Thin and Thinner") and Katherine la Beckensdale ("X-Badger", "The Nose Job") jab, jab, jab for two hours and fifty-five minutes before delivering the climactic uppercut about an hour after the last jab. Dedeniro is "Frank" an older gentleman who seems to have taken to sipping from Robert Burton's dark cup of melancholy. After killing and dismembering his wife, he decides, rather than shipping her to each of his four children scattered across the country,  he will deliver them in person. To his surprise, he finds that each of his offspring has troubles of his/her own. Through their shared misery, Frank discovers the humanity that exists in even one's own children and slowly comes to understand his wife's seemingly bizarre Christmas request - the gift she gave was not unlike the wafers he'd unthinkingly been consuming each Sunday before football. Metallica guitarologist Kirk Hammet does a surprisingly deft job of delivering the script, based on an incident related by Dr. Phil, like a fine time-released laxative - before you know what's hit you, you're feeling better than you have in weeks.

From The Vault -There Will Always Be an English Patient

The Anguished Patient (1996)

Starring: Race Fine, Kristen-Scott Thomas, Julie Delpy-ish Directed by: Sir Anthony Mengele Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Like a steel-cage match between Santa Claus, a gorilla, a ninja, a shark, Jesus, Hitler, a pirate and a bear this film is a huge, chaotic and ultimately glorious piece d'theatre. Race Fine ("The Alcoholic Reader", "Marlowe's Magic Beans") stars as an ancient mummy brought back to life when gorgeous and thoughtful Kristen-Scott Thomas rubs her naked body against his bandages. But can love overcome three centuries of dry skin? You owe it to yourself to discover "The Anguished Patient."

Flat Foxes

The Fanatical Mr. Fox (2009)

Starring: George Coonley, Bill Murray, Angie Dickinson Directed by: Alexander "Pain" Anderson Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other: CGI

Review In 1937 a Hungarian genius named "Mad" George Pal was carving a bar of soap into a more rounded bar of soap when it slipped out of his grip and directly into the mitts of a young feller named Walt Disney. Though nothing came of that particular moment, ten years later Disney created a talking rat, and the rest is history. Or is it? For resident wise-guy Alexander "Pain" Anderson, "history is bunk" and the future is 3-D dimensional computerized robots who will be telling us what to eat, how to drink and where to do our private business (hint: it won't be where you think). Mr. Anderson's current throne of ease is something called "The Fanatical Mr. Fox" and, like Pliny the Elder, I am here to bear witness to the end times so that those who follow us will at least know there were some of us who bore witness to the old ways that people entertained themselves before computers got "virtualized" and racks of "servers" replaced poppy fields in places like Afghanistan and the "Thai" triangle. Looked at rationally, the movie stilll presents "characters" speaking "dialogue" and interacting in "situations" that have a certain level of rising "conflict" resulting in a "climax" resolved in a "denoument." But that's where the similarity between "Foxes" and, say, "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" begins and ends. Mr. Anderson and his ilk have decided that the future belongs to them and those who aren't wearing exoskeletons made of titanium-encrusted iPhones and who have decided to bear their young "live" will have to find another way forward. I'm fine with that. But what about the children? The revolution can start today, and it's battle cry is "no more 3-D dimensional!"

Friday Night Special - Nine Is Too Much

The Ninth Song (2004)

Starring: Modesty Blaise, Rod Snow Directed by: Michael Vintnerbottom Rating: Unrated Genre: Explicit Romance Concert Movie Other: Distasteful Sexual Scenes

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review As a sage of my aquaintance once told me after visiting a special "show" in Tijuana "just because you can do something doesn't mean you should." Though I've seen dogs bathe parts of their bodies that make me question how there can be a God, I never quite understood the wisdom of this magus until I watched Michael Vintnerbottom's "The Ninth Song." Young hairless monkeys Modesty Blaise and Rod Snow "star" as a couple who meet at a "Wham" concert and spend the next seventy minutes playing tetris with various body parts, some of which I found myself unable to identify even on my anatomically-correct BatKat-customized Barbie and Ken dolls. Vintnerbottom, whose previous efforts included "The Laurence Sterne Experiment" and "Legend of Boggy Creek: The Road to Guantanamo" has produced something so romantically reductive that it makes the funk band Slave's "Snap Shot" seem like something Elizabeth Barett Browning might have sent Robert by donkey. It might be appropriate if you're studying for a pre-med midterm. Otherwise give this one a pass and download "Romancing the Stones."

All Hands on Deck!

Synecdoche, New York (2008)

Starring: Philip Seymour Damon, Parker Posey, Dame May Witty Directed by: I. Charles Kaufman Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review While I usually seal myself off in the Film Pit to watch movies I'm considering reviewing, I caught this one at my periodontist's on a luscious pre-release pair of Mikimoto Bean I-Glasses. It seemed appropriate to have my gums defiled as I watched I. Charles Kaufman's Synecdoche, New York, a film so moving that I kissed Dr. Singer straight on the lips and asked him to marry me. Philip Seymour Damon ("I, King Kong") stars as a director so talented that he casts himself as everyone in the world, and so lonely that no one can understand him except the little man he keeps in his shirt pocket. And when he lets the little man out onto the palm of his hand, the little man begins to cry. And what does that lonely little man have in its pocketses? Another lonely, weepy little man!. I was reminded of the great Sergei Eisenstein's Battleship Potemkin more than once, though even if prodded with something electric and painful I'm not sure I could say why. Strange though it sounds, Kaufman makes me feel sad that I'm not in his pants. To be honest, due to the double dose of gas the good doctor provided me ("I may have to remove most of your jaw", I think he said at one point) I'm not one hundred percent sure I actually saw this movie, or if it even exists. If not, then I'd like to claim these ideas as my own. Please comment and let me know if I should get on Orbitz immediately and prepare my big pitch to the shark suits!

Friday Night Special - Fly, Robin Fly!

There's Something About Ameilia (2009)

Starring: Hilary Swunk, Sir Richard Gear Directed by: Catherine Breillat Rating: R Genre: Action Other: Female Flying Pantsuit

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Florid fever-dream troweled onto the screen by mad French pornographic "madame" Catherine Breillat. Hilary Swunk ("Lungs Are The Only Things") stars as a female version of bizarre fascist boytoy Sir Arthur Limburg who decides that she will cure the world of child abusers by flying around it without stopping. Swunk can be touching, particularly when she's dressed in her grey flightsuit, but Sir Richard Gear ("I Love All of Myself So Much", "American Gigolo in Paris") is miscast as a human businessman. And Breillat doesn't seem to understand that flying involves forcing air OVER the wings of the machine until it achieves lift. There's none of that kind of technical detail that would lead us to believe Amelia is actually "flying." Instead, we get endless dull "sex" scenes in which leaden Italian stallion Rico Suave seems bent on exposing his epiglottis to the back row. While it's clear that a woman could indeed fly a plane until it runs out of fuel, I'm not convinced that this woman could carry off such a feat. And without that willing suspension of disbelief that thoughtful spacemonkey Jim Carrey endlessly carries on about, it's difficult to believe that the twenty-five frames that burn our eyes every two seconds cohere into a story that will make us hold it in until we can't hold it in any longer. Verdict? Stay home and delight in the sexy petticoats of Miss Julie Andrews as she seduces the heck out of Dick Vandycke in Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.

I'll Take Door Two, Clive

Le Box (2009)

Starring: Mare Winningham, Tuck Plugsden, James Cocoa Directed by: Richard Keily Rating: R Genre: Thriller Other

Review Put down the crack pipe, Richard! This whacked-out "suspenser" remake of the flick that forced Kim Basinger to buy an entire Georgia town and burn it to the ground, from an unpublished short story by Ernest Hemingway plays like a Twilight Zone episode that lasts for three days and three nights, and then three more days. Disfigured Russian cosmonaut James Cocoa ("Big Night")  rides a frozen urine icicle down from the space station and lands in Winningham and Plugsden's backyard. They discover a strange box in his unconscious space pants and must decide whether to kill him, or kill him and win a million dollars. Should be just what the doctor ordered for Keily, who hasn't been the same since he went through "the change." Check it out!

Afro-Selectric!

My Preciousss (2009)

Starring: Mo'Nique, Jimi Hendrix Directed by: Bill Cosby Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Finally! the kind of meat-and-potatoes movie the old Hollywood  system used to make when the studio heads cracked the whip and actors were told who to date. Director Cosby ("The Love Bug" "Hadrian The Seventh") adapts dessicated Scots landcrab Ewan McGregor's "African Typing Pool" novels into a joyous feast for the whole family. While Africanish people still are not allowed to write about themselves, it's good to see that they have been allowed "behind the camera." Congrats to the Great White Suit who greenlighted this one!

Through the Smooching Glass

The Mirror Has Two Phases (1996)

Starring: Barabra Streisand, Dennis Quaid Directed by: Lauren Bacall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romance Other: Frank Sensuality

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review When twilight time is nigh and the kiddies have drifted off to slumberland, that's the time I like to call "Barabra Time" because rarely has La Dama De Las Camelias let me down. And "The Mirror Has Two Phases" delivers like bacon-breath at a hoedown. First-time director Lauren Bacall ("To Have or Not To Have") wisely just gets out of the camera's way and lets the chemicals spurt forth in all their spouty grandeur. Lucky Dennis Quaid ("Oh Brother!", "Capricorn and Hotpants") must have gone through a Costco-sized case of lip balm to get through this shoot as he proves time and time again to Barabra's "Rose" Morgan, a prissy schoolmarm with a marmot for a heart and legs like Abe Lincoln ("just tall enough for my pants to stay on"). By the time Quaid figures out that "Rose" isn't a man, it's too late. He's already in love! Featuring Oscar-winning song "Sleeping With My Mirror 'Cause It Looks Like Me", the flick is guaranteed to to have both of you waking up inside a single nightshirt. I guarantee it!

The Flutterby Effect

Butterflies Want To Be Free (1972)

Starring: Golda Hawn, Eddie Albert, Bea Arthur Directed by: Milton Friedman Rating: PG Genre: Drama Other: Otherly-Abledness

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Offensive creation of minds unsuited to the filmic art. Director/Accountant Friedman ("CitiCorp!", "Let Them Eat Cake: The Ayn Rand Story" ) pits not one, but two psychopathic killers against an incredibly toned Eddie Albert ("How Green Are My Acres", "Willie Wonka 2: The Shrivening"). Cave-mouthed female impersonator Bea Arthur ("I'm Gonna Singa Your Song Whether You Like It Or Not", "Antigone") plays Albert's mother, a harridan and shrew and something a bit more (hint: never approach her from behind when she's in her rocking chair). Golda Hawn ("Gandhi In Love" [TV Movie], "Sugar Hill Express") is Albert's whacky neighbor with a taste for scissors and kicky t-shirts. Rather than tip off the shocking reveal (Albert is blind), I'd like to take a moment to comment on the movie industry's habit of burying the lede. Why the trite and hackneyed plot of mother and girlfriend vying with each other to kill the son/boyfriend? Hey Hollywouldnt, why doesn't the blind guy KILL his mother/girlfriend? Because he's otherly-abled by his visual-differentness? For the business that made "Fear Strikes Out" (in which a mentally troubled baseball player is hounded out of baseball for making everyone kind of uncomfortable and, like a little tiny clipper ship, goes straight into a bottle), it wouldn't seem a stretch to turn a sightless feller into a razor-wielding son of vengeance. But, hey, you're the professionals. Just a thought. With all of that said, Hawn and Albert do have something going on, and when they repeat the barber sketch from Monty Python the frisson between the two is palpable. It certainly made my palms sweat! If one or both of you is slightly under the weather and would feel a bit more comfortable having easy access to your own restroom, then don't let my Tinseltown tongue-lashing make you hesitate. That's just insider stuff between me and the biz.  By all means, couch-itate yourselves and let nature take its course.

What If There Was Love?

Love Happens! (2009)

Starring: Aaron Sorkin, Jennifer Anniston, Michael Sheen Directed by: Brandon Camp Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romantic Comedy Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Fantastically talented five-tool threat Aaron Sorkin ("You Can't Handle Love", "When The Studios Were Kings", "Flattop and The Choctaw") acts, writes and directs (under the banally obvious "Brandon Camp") this alternately hysterical and devastating ode to the kind of love only possible when death brings you face to face with the fact that love is all that is left before we die. Anniston ("Career Day", "Fat Suit"), who can be strangely inert, here glows like a plump, rosy, pregnant irishwoman as Eloise - the abandoned love child of cruel executive Donald Trump and "The Prelate of Hate" hotelier/queen bitch Martha B. Stewart. When in the depths of depression Anniston challenges Sorkin to a thumb-wrestle and accidentally breaks off the digit, love can't be far behind. But Sorkin - as the unacknowledged love-child of loony Panglossian optimist Normal Vincente Peale - keeps occasionally remembering his dead wife which causes him to fall into such a funk that only Anniston's irresistible giggle can bring him out of. The two are sheer chemical alchemy, the filmic equivalent of blanched asparagus. I would be remiss if I didn't also mention the knockout performance of flabby, drunken Zamboni-driver Michael Sheen ("Nixon: The Musical", "Gumball Rally 15", "Werewolf Priest", "Corked!"). This is the kind of movie that can bring your lover's pot to a boil. Turn on the gas!