From The Vault - No Fool Like a Young British Fool

Pride and Prejudiced (2005)

Starring: Keira Winslet, Dame Joan Sutherland, Directed by: Mighty Joe Young Rating: RATING Genre: GENRE Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review The British they are different than you and me. Take for instance this prickly bit of pear dug up from the boneyard orchard of 18th century writing which seeks to compare the horrors of being ignored at a fancy dance ball to slavery. Not sure what particular brand of "tea" young director Mighty Joe Young ("King Kong In Love") might have been sipping when he "greenlighted" this thing, but I suggest he take a look at Mr. Stephen Spielberg's "Amadeustad" for a history lesson. Stick that in your british crumpet and smoke it!

From The Vault -There Will Always Be an English Patient

The Anguished Patient (1996)

Starring: Race Fine, Kristen-Scott Thomas, Julie Delpy-ish Directed by: Sir Anthony Mengele Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Like a steel-cage match between Santa Claus, a gorilla, a ninja, a shark, Jesus, Hitler, a pirate and a bear this film is a huge, chaotic and ultimately glorious piece d'theatre. Race Fine ("The Alcoholic Reader", "Marlowe's Magic Beans") stars as an ancient mummy brought back to life when gorgeous and thoughtful Kristen-Scott Thomas rubs her naked body against his bandages. But can love overcome three centuries of dry skin? You owe it to yourself to discover "The Anguished Patient."

From The Vault - Endgame

Up In Smoke (1978)

Starring: Chich and Chach Directed by: Sir Peter Hall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Austere dark comedy from the master of misery stars siamese twins Chich and Chach as a pair of ne'er-do-wells trading insults and a kind of desperate love as they wait for their "pusher" to arrive. While not for everyone, those who are willing to brave the spare landscape of the mind will not be disappointed. Bravo Sir Peter!

From The Vault - Roman Holiday

Gladiators (2000)

Starring: Rumply Crow, Richard Harris Directed by: Riddidly Scott Rating: R Genre: Action Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Director Scott's take on the sword-and-sandals flick plops bloated meat puppet Rumply Crow ("The Fornicators") smack dab in the middle of a Nike commercial, only instead of ripply athletes sweating green mucus, Crow shows his acting chops by spitting out real blood and teeth. Eschewing the traditional fat suit, Crow purportedly put on eighty pounds through daily injections of Crisco, though this doesn't explain the pulsing fat ring around his tonsured skull. I'm not sure about this one. The film's exciting enough, but when emperor Biggus Diccus (played by Smiths lead singer Morrison) nails Crow's bulldog "The Kraken" to the Coliseum and Crow's good eye begins to throb, the Bronsonian fireworks to come are all too obvious. And I cannot decide if the choice of composer Esquivel was inspired or merely mad, but it did provide a odd discordancy to the many an action sequence. There's no question that Scott knows how to play a disembowlment set piece but, as the great Norma Shearer once said "it's the pictures that got small." Look for a cameo by Mike Meyers as an Ethiopian Princess. The man is the Lon Chaney of his generation.

From The Vault - Lilac Time

PurpleReign (1984)

Starring: The Prince, The Prince Directed by: Alberto Magnolia Rating: R Genre: Musical Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review The One-Formerly-Known-As-Some-Kind-Of-Weird-Symbol-Like-Thing burst upon the scene like a purple dandelion spraying its allergy-inducing achenes machine-gun fashion into the eye-and-earholes of a stunned generation. But just as the milky-white liquid that flows from the crushed stems of this leafless flower are bitter, so was the youth of our foppish maestro. The Prince was clearly raised to blow the roof off the sucka, but like all great artists of his age (e.g. George Clinton, Stephen Hawking) he had to bleed so that others could live off of his blood while he could only suffer the little children. We know all of that, so what does "PurpleReign" bring to the party? Gigantic Amazon Dumbell Appollonia, for one. She strides across the screen like a collossus, The Prince hanging from her hip like some withered siamese twin. Not since The Stingk ("Before Guitar Hero: The John Dowland Story") managed to mangle his only three words in "Dune" has an actor so confused the trochaic and anapestic meters. Ever the contrarian, Prince introduced an entire generation to Morris Day and Jerome's diaper dance - for what were we in those days if not petulant teenagers unready to leave the dance floor even when nature's call was announced via  bullhorn? And thus was revealed the secret of "Hammer Time"! Obviously I was enthralled by this movie. Watching it again via XBox360/Netflix's wonderful "Party" mode with my significant other, we felt as though our tongues were meeting across 5000 miles of the internet's magical tubes. The Prince has a way of making us all feel as though we were little, little people climbing on top of sexier, bigger people and those bigger people are not complaining because we are so talented, rich and famous. If only James Brown had been twice as crazy and half as small, there might not have been a need for the Velour Viking. Thank god he never was!

Bland On the Run

Nashville(1975)

Starring: Robert Alterman Directed by: Lilly Taylor, Karol Kane, Ned Beatty, Waldo Carradine, Sissy Lu Spacey Rating: R Genre: Comedy/Drama Other: Music

Review "Blue Velvet" meets "The Ugly Coal Miner's Ugly Daughter" is this oddball concoction by director's director Alterman ("The Birdman of the Astrodome", "Hudson Goshawk Park"). The ensemble cast includes  Lilly Taylor ("Kill All The Men, All The Time"), Karol Kane ("My Tiny Sister's Tiny Hands"), Waldo Carradine ("Death Race 2012: L.A. or Bust") and Sissy Lu Spacey ("Carrie", "Walking Tall: The Minnie Pearl Story") as a Hootenany band invited to open at Woodstalk for Jimi Hendrix by drug-addled impresario Ned Beatty ("Crawling and Squealing") under the impression that they are helium-voiced blues yodelers "Canned Heat." What appears to be real concert footage alternates with handheld camera sequences during which each member in turn flashes back to the Esalen weekend where the group met for the first time around the rotting remains of an enormous sea elephant. Alterman seems to be saying that some actors can sing, and are sometimes depressed and that the very act of "acting" can be both boring and cathartic. My own experience as a thespian (an admittedly small part as the pimp "Diggety-Dog" on a early episode of "Baretta") confirms the insight (I spent three months curled inside of an empty hot tub abandoned in a vacant lot next to Jack Nicholson's place). Not for everyone, or maybe anyone, but this someone says "check it out."

From The Vault - Ayuda!

Revolver (2006)

Starring: The Beetles, Penelope Hayek Directed by: Carlos Mencia Salmodovar Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Spanish dandy Salmodovar ("Postcards from the Edge of Madness") whips up a delightful confection of English Beetles and manchego cheese and ladles a heapin' helpin' of pure silliness. When you finally separate the curds from the whey what you've got is 121 minutes of the British flopmops  ("Back in the United Soviet Socialist Republics", "Rocky the Raccoon")  being chased by a thousand mothers across the desolate moors of Welsh Scotland to the throbbing rhythms and clicker-clacks of flamenco guitars. Yes, we've seen it before (most recently in Buster Keeton's masterpiece "Seven Changes"), but so what? I giggled so hard I managed to lodge a Junior Mint up my nose Surprisingly, I believe it may have cured a slight sinus infection. I'm not sure you can ask for more from cinema than that! Sargeant Pepper Sez "Check It Out!"

From The Vault - Devil, Don't Touch Me There!

Touched By Evil (1958)

Starring: Charleston Heston, Orson Wellies, Marlin Dietrich Directed by: Orson Wellies Rating: PG Genre: Classic Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review This forgotten masterpiece, apparently meticulously reconstructed by the studios after behemoth Wellies destroyed the first edit in a fit of pique over Heston's ginormous mustache, tells the story of a man of hispanic extraction  (Heston - "Moses: The Early Years", "The Greatest Man On Earth") so enamored of the law that he makes out with Wellies in order to save Mexico. Germanic sometimes-man Dietrich ("Venus In Leather", "The Blue Dahlia") smolders as "Conchita", a health nut who's mission in life is to keep diabetic Wellies away from the Mars bar that's destined to kill him. And what can a critic say about Wellies that hasn't already been said by Wellies himself, and probably with more and bigger words? Rumor is that he packed on fifteen pounds for the role of a man driven by his need to push away those who needed to love him, and to love those who pushed away their own needs in order to be loved by him. Wellies understood the sophisticated use of sound in film so well that almost everything audible is unintelligible, which makes what you can hear all the greater. Lovely Shirley Jones ("Psychos") plays the woman who dared to share a bed with Heston at a time when women did not sleep with men. And nutbucket Dennis Weaving ("Tell Them Willie Boy Did Not Send You") almost steals the show as "Crackler", a hotel clerk with a peeping problem and pants the size of all outdoors. Return to a time when studios knew where to spend their money, and on whom. Return to Evil!

From The Vault - Doin' It Comancherero-Style!

Comanchereros! (1961)

Starring: John Wayne, Stuart Whitman Directed by: Michael de Kurtz Rating: PG Genre: Action/Adventure Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers.  Review Wayne and Whitman together again! Director Michael de Kurtz' classic western pits the dynamic duo against the entire Mexican army as they attempt to steal Emperor Maximilian's massive supply of Tequila from giant storage tanks hidden inside an active volcano. Lovely Maude Frickert plays "Comanchita," the governor's daughter with a heart of gold and a groin of steel. Whitman's finest role of the decade. Check it out!

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Sunset Boulevard(1950)

Starring: Joan Crawford, William Holden Directed by: Sir Billy Wilder Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review "My head's too big for the screen!" thunders legendary medusa Joan Crawford as her manservant Mongo picks nits from her ever-shedding scalp. Sir Billy Wilder sure did it this time, creating a masterpiece by telling it like it is, one monstrous Hollywood moment at a time. William Holden plays a dead screenwriter brought back to life to write the biography of a mythical silent movie star whom no one remembers, and he's instantly caught in her spider's web of money, fame, glamour, putrifaction and money. When she discovers that he's young and she's old, the glamour queen goes mad and insists that he become old or dead, which he does once again. It's a metaphor for all that is wrong with the Hollywood of yesterday and, of course, of today. And to prove the point, Wilder's commentary track includes insult after insult of the current crop of stars, pointing out that not one of them made a silent picture, or even one in black and white. I couldn't agree more, and I expect that you'll find yourself nodding throughout this glorious, venomous paean to the shrews and megalomaniacs of yesteryear who made the films we turn to again and again, like this one which I know I'll watch over and over. Enjoy!

The Lioness Roars Tonight!

The Lion in Winter (1968)
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	Starring: Peter O'Toole, Katharine Hepburn Directed by: Anthony Harvey Rating: PG Genre: Classics Other
Review Katherine Hepburn has never been sexier than she is in this movie! If you've been waiting for her "breakout" role, this is it! The music is wonderful, particularly Peter O'Toole's moving rendition of "If Ever I Should Leave You." Great flick, but put the kiddies to bed early!!!

Who Says War Is Hell?

Patton (1970)
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	Starring: George Segal, Karl Malden Directed by: Franklin J. Schaffner Rating: PG Genre: Action & Adventure Other
Review George Segal IS Patton in this movie. If Patton had been allowed to do his thing we might have won the war even better than we did. Includes shocking scene where Patton shoots at an airplane with his pistol. Check out DVD interviews with cast members and other "extras".

Hitch In Top Form

Rear Window (1954)
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Starring: James Stewart, Grace Kelly Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock Rating: PG Genre: Classics Other

Review Hitchcock changes pace with this delightful comedy of manners in which Jimmy Stewart stars as a "vertically-challenged" quadraplegic whose fiancee (scrumptuous Grace Kelley) discovers a plot to kill bad guy Alan Hale (McHale's Navy) by cutting his body into pieces and sending them off to San Francisco by bus. Forget the grisly plot - Stewart is a comic revelation here, mumbling and grumbling his way through hot oil massages and Kelley's seductions before toppling out of the eponymous window (great stunt work reputedly done by the actor himself!) Nice to see Hitchcock stop brooding and enjoy himself with this top-notch dismemberment comedy. DVD extras include commentary by the gaffer and catering staff.

This Pic Gets a Failing Grade

The Graduate (1967)
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	Starring: Dustin Hoffman, Anne Bancroft Directed by: Mike Nichols Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other
Review Smutty nonsense about a high school graduate who can't "find" himself. Much better done in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." The screenwriter thinks lines like "Plastics" are fall-down hilarious. Give this one a pass.