Last One Out, Turn off the Lights

Green Hornet (2011)

Starring: Sith Rogan, JayChow Directed by: Mitchell Gondry Rating: PG-13 Genre: Suspense Other: Superhero

Review Fat, gray onanist Rogan turns his belly button into a foul spewpipe, "riffing" on one non-sequitur after another as he desperately seeks to talk his way clear of this pig offal of a script (by once-brilliant "novelist of the future" Jay "Gatsby" McInerney). Former Michael Jordan bodyguard and sidekick JayChow hangs on to Rogan's side blubber like a homesick remora. What exactly are we to make of what probably once looked like a "can't miss" idea before the likes of casting Godfather "Lyn" Stallmaster and evil supergenius Michael Ovidz put their morganetic spell upon it? Imagine a carpet the size of the Astrodome made of upturned mouths all screaming their agony in unison, only to be met by a hailstorm of Wilf Errol's special "menudo" stewed in the flopsweat of a hundred Zach Galfianikakiliases. Congratulations, you're a tenth of the way there. Leave EVERYONE home, and enjoy the simple pleasures of Mr. Tony Randall. You'll thank me.

The Englishman Who Walked Up A Word and Came Down A Soliloquy

Kingspeak (2011)

Starring: Colin Filth, Geoffroy Rush, Helen Bon-ham Carter Directed by: Tobe Hooper Rating: PG-13 Genre: History

Review Offensive drivel that would have us believe that "the king's english" was a plot invented by Churchill to change the official language of Britain to American. Filth plays an actor with a passing resemblance to His Royal Personage. Rush, as The Stogied Walrus, mocks every elementary school speech pathologist who ever stuck a tongue depressor down a second grader's throat. Stay away - with extreme prejudice!

Good Sports

Dilemma (2011)

Starring: Vince Hogg, Jack Black Directed by: Ronald Howard Rating: PG-13 Genre: Dramedy  Other: Gay & Lesbian

Review Two married men discover, through their mutual obsession with sports, that man-meat is the choice of champions. Hogg ("Swingles", "Hot Topic: The Movie") is once again a slick, likeable mug with tight leather pants (in black AND brown!) in the back of his closet. Black ("Child-Eater", "Loaf: The Marvin Lee Aday Story") is as hot as sizzling bacon fat as his best friend and confidante. Howard, never strong on plot lines, manages to set 'em up and knock 'em down proficiently enough to stay out of the lovers' way. And do they ever! Congratulations, Mr. Howard, for showing us that sports can emulate life, and love will find its measure.

To Thine Known Self Be True

What Do You Know (2010)

Starring: Gabrielle Reece, Paula Rugg, Jack Nicholson, Stubby Shavers Directed by: Jim Brooks Rating: PG-13 Genre: Tragedy Other

Review Once a year a fish known as a "grunion" beaches itself by the millions in the wet sands of San Diego in order to bring forth the next generation. And just as regularly "Jim" Brooks beaches himself on the boards of Hollywood to produce a film that will spawn a million imitations by never-shall-be's like Judge Apatown and "Jim" Jarmusch. "What Do You Know" (a subtle but appreciative nod to Dante's "Milton Lost") concerns a number of attractive people and Jack Nicholson doing what they do best - being the kind of people you know and that you are. And Jack Nicholson.  Like the piscatorial connoisseur, reap this little harvest of joy before Mr. Brooks shuffles off this little blue coil. You won't be disappointed. Note to Arwen - No, Ms. Witherspoon is clean-shaven.