Shall We Rent?

Shall We Dance (2004)

	Starring: Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon Directed by: Peter Chelsom Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other
Review No.

A Deal You CAN Refuse

The Godfather (1972)

	Starring: Marlon Brando, Al Pacino Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Dark, mumbling jumble of italian-american cliches and violence ripped off from Hong Kong kung fu movies. Done better by actors Marlon Brando and Bobby De Niro in the early seventies. Skip it and spend some time with your dog.

Angry? Heck Yes!

12 Angry Men (1957)

Starring: Henry Fonda, Eli Wallach Directed by: Sidney Lumet Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Still vibrating with righteous indignation 75 years after its first release, this movie stands up for all that is still right with America 75 years on! Gather the neighbor children, plunk them down in front of the screen and force them to watch this true American classic. Henry Fonda and Eli Wallach sweat it out as two petty criminals on the lam by sneaking onto the jury of (spoiler!) their own trial! The brilliant spring to this fabulous mouse-trap of a movie is that their own sense of justice forces them to convince the rest of the jury that they are, indeed, GUILTY! Rumor is that Richard Nixon hated this film, and after watching, you'll understand why as your heart swells with pride for the blind lady with the scales. Mother Justice, let us all bask between your legs!

Priscilla is Jaunty Desert Romp!

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994)

Starring: Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce Directed by: Stephan Elliott Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review Three bitchy women stumble around the New Zealand desert in sequins and thongs, complaining about men? Well, I loved it. Their bright-as-a-penny dialogue, funny accents and crazy antics kept me heartily amused for the entire two hours. Not likely any of these women will pop up on the Hollywood radar any time soon, but they give very winning performances. This one would make a great after-dinner entertainment at a family reunion. It's got something for everybody. Well done, Kiwis!

Trojan Tragedy is the Pitts

Troy (2004)

Starring: Brad Pitt, Eric Bana Directed by: Wolfgang Peterson Rating: R Genre: Action & Adventure Other

Review Beware Germans bearing gifts! This brightly-wrapped elephant dropping by CSI Las Vegas-director/star Wolfgang Peterson tries to do an end-run around logic, history and plain common-sense on its way to its happily-ever-after ending. Peterson and scriptwriter Orson Bean would have us believe that the ancient greeks wore leather skirts and had their hair done by Mr Tony of Beverly Hills! Little Brad Pitt (whose making a habit of these sword-and-sandal epics with the recently released Alexandria) strains credibility more than a little as a warrior with his panties in a bunch when his friend is trampled by a (!) camel. It's a big, hysterical mess. I waited all movie for the giant horse. Did I miss it? I'm going to have to recommend you pass on this one. Instead, check out the fabulous "Hercules in the Underworld" for a more accurate depiction of the ancient sodomites.

Citizen Kant

Citizen Kane (1941)

Starring: Orson Wells, Joseph Cotton Directed by: Orson Wells Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review This bloated egghead's delight purports to document an imaginary Charles Lindbergh's rise and fall. Lucky Lindy (a straw man for Fox magnet Rupert Murgatroyd) marries a dingbat and sells out the american people, then cries like a baby when his snowglobe breaks. Who cares? Salad dressing pitchman Orson Wells tries too hard to be the next Marty Scorcese. It's poorly lit, overracted and shot after shot appear to be filmed through a tin can. Best leave this boat anchor to the "critics" and rent the delightful "Aviator." Rosebuds, indeed!

Pretty Boy a "Phantom" Does Not Make

Phantom of the Opera (2004)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Kiera Nightly Directed by: William Shoemaker Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review A Warning up front - this is NOT the Lon Chaney version! Instead, director Billy Shoemaker brings us a paean to leather and velvet in this musical (!) version of the old-timey chiller about an scientist who burns off half his face in an attempt to discover the fountain of youth. I'm sorry, but brilliant Tom Cruise (Tequila Sunrise) is wasted under a hockey mask as the phantom. What were the casting directors thinking? Imagine ghoulish Bill Murray or Tony Quinn dramatically uplit and now you've got some goosebumps. Willowy Kiera Nightly (so good as one-half of the mixed race soccer-playing lesbian duo in Bend It To Beacham) has little to do except swoon as Cruise dashes about in his cape trying to appear menacing. The rumor is that he turned down a run as Hamlet in England to take this part as a favor to Shoemaker. These kinds of friends we don't need! Let's leave some of the juicy parts for fabulous goblins like Hector Elizondo, huh Tom?

"Wind" Remake Leaves Me Cold

Cold Mountain (2003)

Starring: Jude Law, Nicole Kidman Directed by: Anthony Minghella Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Academy Award winners litter the screen in Tony Minghella's Gone With Wind update. Frankly, I was just not impressed. Rene Zelwegger (fat!) staggers around the south in dirty clothes while Nicole Kidman pretends to go crazy. Pretty thin soup compared to Vivian Lee birthin' babies while Clark Gable saves President Lincoln from an assassin's bullet. Maybe it's just the times we live in, but I miss Technicolor.

Crazy Like a Fox!

The Madness of King George (1994)

Starring: Nathan Lane, Helen Mirren Directed by: Nicholas Hytner Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review This brilliant historical expose of the english king who freed America from itself literally glows with intelligence, wit and style. Broadway vet Nathan Lane (The Impostors) plays the mad king as a kind of tragic Charlton Heston figure, right down to the crazy hair. We americans owe a huge debt to this noble kook who had the foresight to recognize Britain would eventually waste away into irrelevance. God save the king!

Time-Travelling Weirdo Is Strangely Compelling

Orlando (1992)

	Starring: Orlando Bloom, Billy Zane Directed by: Dennis Potter Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review This fascinating history casts Orlando Bloom (Pirates of Penzance) as the world's first metrosexual. Weird, weird stuff from the pen of bizarro writer Dennis Potter. Frankly, I was mystified much of the time, yet curiously intrigued and not a little moved by the plight of this plucky time-travelling hero. If you and your mate are in an adventurous mood, by all means give this one a go!

Not a Ghost of A Chance

Catwoman (2004)

	Starring: Richard George,Mimi Woods Directed by: Mamoru Oshi Rating: NR Genre: Anime Other
Review Let the rugrats loose, give the babysitter your cell phone number and hit the front door for Applebees - this one's strictly for the kidlings. Japanese animator Oshi (Pokemon) certainly has a delightful way with the pen and ink but the story is all evil kingpins and Transformers. Best left to the young ones and comic book store owners.

Meow!

Catwoman (2004)

Starring: Hale Berry, Eric Estrada Directed by: Pilaf Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review Yowza! Hale Berry looks like a Victoria's Secret model come to life in this action spinoff of the legendary "Batman" series. Directory Pilaf may only have one name but, like Sting, he works it like a spanish grandee. He brings a kind of feral (!) intelligence to what could have been just a high-concept time-waster. This movie sizzles right from the first frame and doesn't let up until Catwoman has (warning: spoiler ahead!) vanquished all comers. I must warn you that there are quite a lot of sexual overtones to this movie, so kids are better off left with grandma. But you'll want to snuggle close to your cuddlebunny as Catwoman claws her way to the top. Kudos to fantastically-preserved Eric Estrada as the love interest. Very enjoyable.

Hefty Serving of Embarassment All the Way Around

Meet The Fockers (2004)

Starring: Ben Stiller, Al Pacino Directed by: Rob Reiner Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Empty-headed smutty nonsense from the juvenile twins who brought us custard-based hair gel and siamese twins who get their tongues stuck to frozen lightpoles. Frankly, Rob Reiner (All in the Family's loveable "Meathead") should know better than to get himself associated with a picture like this. Youngster Ben Stiller runs, but he cannot hide and generally classy Al Pacino (The Devil's Advocate) looks drunk much of the time. Shame on you, Hollywood!

Flyin' High!

The Aviator (2004)

Starring: Leonardo Dicapricio, Madonna Directed by: Martin Scorcese Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Leo Dicapricio, so fantastic as little jockey Red Smith in last year's Black Beauty, sparkles as bandleader and World War I flying ace Howard Hughes in Marty Scorcese's tribute to those daredevils of yesteryear. Feisty spitfire Madonna is surprisingly spot-on as Hughes' sometime companion Marilyn Monroe, and Kate Hepburn makes a delightful cameo appearance as herself (digitally enhanced, no doubt, by those technical wizards at Industrial Lights and Magic) in what may be the craziest movie of the year. I smell Oscar all over this one. Leave the kidlets at home though - It's a fleshly feast for the hormones. Enjoy!

Toy "Sorry" Pew!

Toy Story 2 (1999)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Woody Harrelson Directed by: John Lasseter Rating: G Genre: Children and Family Other

Review The reality is that the animation techniques used on this film, while possibly "state-of-the-art" are just not believable. I just found that I did not believe that the toys could walk and talk. Without "buying into" that conceit, the movie didn't work for me. With digital effects, wouldn't it be possible to "shrink" real actors in a larger background and make up them up as toys? That seems me like it would be a better use of the technology. Woody Harrelson was hilarious, though.

It All Eve-ns Out

All About Eve (1950)

Starring: Bette Davis, Ann Baxter Directed by: Joseph Mankiewicz Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Interesting movie, but they've got the wrong end of the stick. The movie is ostensibly about an older actress who is supplanted by a younger one but the reality is that Ann Baxter really IS a better actress and Bette Davis looks old as a mummy in this thing. So your sympathy lies with the Ann Baxter character. Weird that the director didn't seem to understand this. Ripe for a remake by somebody like the guy who makes those Red Shoes Diaries movies.

Grand Larceny

7 The Thief (1997)

	Starring: Various Directed by: Pavel Chukhrai Rating: R Genre: Foreign Other
Review The DVD states that the thief will "steal your heart." All I can say is that if your heart can be stolen this easily then you must have velcro chest. Poorly acted, poorly directed. Bring back the days when children were played by midgets! Unless your french is VERY good, be sure to turn the subtitles on.

Lao This!

7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964)

	Starring: Jack Klugman, Barbara Eden Directed by: George Pal Rating: NR Genre: Sci-Fi Other
Review For anyone who needed evidence that the fix is in at the Oscars, I offer you Exhibit A - this movie was NOT EVEN NOMINATED in 1964. Jack Klugman gives a thoroughly winning performance as the inscrutable Dr. Lao and Barbara Eden provides just a nip of naughtiness. Can't miss Saturday Night entertainment.

Uncomfortable "Must-See" Viewing

Once Upon a Time When We Were Colored (1995)

	Starring: Al Freeman Jr., Phylicia Rashad Directed by: Tim Reid Rating: PG Genre: Drama Other
Review While a good, solid entertainment, the term "colored" in the title makes me uncomfortable enough to rate the movie slightly lower than perhaps it deserves on its merits.

This Woodsman Doesn't Cut It

The Woodsman (2004)

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Kate Hudson Directed by: Nick Kassell Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review This one's a baffler. Flashdancer Kevin Bacon is released from prison after being ratted out on some kind of heist-gone-bad. But rather than try to round up a gang of misfits and oddballs to pull an even bigger caper at the lumber mill, Bacon sulks and mopes around his dingy apartment for days on end. Even the presence of sexy Kate Hudson can't seem to raise this woodsman from his torpor. Newcomer Nick Kassell drenches the screen in opressive colors and the picture never gathers the momentum that, for instance, George Clooney ("Golden Girls") generates in the recently released caper pic Oceans 12. A few good chuckles at the end were not enough to salvage this disappointing first effort. Never forget that it's entertainment, Nick!

Oh Brother!

Oh Brother Where Art Thou (2000)

Starring: George Clooney, John Goodman Directed by: Joel Coen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review 'Oh Brother' is right! Lord, how long must we must turn the other cheek while smart alecks like this play the 'Deliverance' card? Hello! Not everyone from the South plays banjo, bathes in bacon grease and picks his teeth with a pigsticker! One can only hope that these Hollywood types wake up one day to the incredible rainbow that is the modern south and pay tribute to unjustly forgotten heros like Muhammad Ali. Former 'Golden Girl' George Clooney does his best to keep things on track as a travelling pomade salesman while John Goodman trots out his tired McHale's Navy act for the umpteenth time.

Haunting Dessert Saga

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

Starring: David Bowie, Alex Guinness Directed by: David Lean Rating: PG Genre: Classics Other

Review David Bowie is unforgettable as a WWI english soldier trapped behind the lines in Japanese-held Egypt. Ably partnered by Alex Guinness (Obi-Wan Kenobi, of Star Wars fame) Bowie trudges through the sand making friends with men of all persuasions. Despite some cinematographic problems (I felt like yelling 'Focus!' at my television more than once) the southern California scenery is awe-inspiring. Action highlights include a train falling over on its side and Bowie falling off a camel. Make sure you pack a sack lunch, though. This one tips the scales at over four hours!

Carey is Divine

Bruce Almighty (2003)

Starring: Jim Carey, Morgan Freeman Directed by: Tom Shadyac Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review This provocative slam against pantheistic religions stars Jim Carey as a congenital liar who convinces God that he is the Lord's "dumber" brother. God decides to teach him a lesson by forcing Carey to become a local television anchorman. Carey is a riot, wearing both a hairnet and a small umbrella-hat variously throughout the film. Take a pass on the distasteful DVD extra outtakes though - especially one where the rubber-faced goblin simulates the act of physical love with a Wookie. Note to Hindus - It's all in fun!

Weird, Whacky America!

American Beauty (1999)

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Annette Benning Directed by: Sam Mendez Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Kevin Bacon is profoundly touching as a slightly retarded husband who is driven by modern society's ills to seek out high school cheerleaders in this thoughtful movie about the dangers of getting old. Annette Benning plays Bacon's wife - a rageaholic with an insatiable appetite for unhealthy food. Mendez' lingering shots of furniture show great promise for the future. WARNING: people who have loved ones who may have become mentally unstable during the war may be offended by Mendez' treatment of one such looney.