Hello Monday, Where Have You Been?

The Lost Weekend (1945)

	Starring: Jack Lemon, Jane Wyman Directed by: Billy Wilder Rating: Unrated Genre: Drama Other
Review Jack Lemon gets so drunk he can see through women's clothing? Eventually this "gift" drives him crazy and he gets a divorce. Interesting attempt to fuse sci-fi and social commentary doesn't always connect on all cylinders - but then Carl Yastremszki once led the American league in batting by hitting .301. Sometimes good enough is good enough!

All The President's Kooks

All the President's Men (1976)

Starring: Robert Deniro, Robert Redford Directed by: Alan J. Paluka Rating: PG Genre: Drama Other

Review We finish off our President's Week Celebration of Presidents in the Movies with this wildly preposterous tale of two hippies (one blonde, the other brunette) who happen to stumble upon the biggest political scandal since Warren Harding dumped tea in the Boston Harbor. While I've always enjoyed Deniro and Redford's work (see Butch Cassiday, for instance) I don't think denigrating the president's brilliant pingpong detente with China for entertainment value is going to play in Peoria. How did the hippies get access to the greatest men in government? Offer them some marijuana? Director Paluka rarely returned to the government scandal genre again. Now you know why.

You Are The Man!

The Man (1972)

Starring: James Earle Jones, Martin Balsam Directed by: Joseph Sargent Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Toad-voiced genius actor James Earle Jones (the voice of CNN) plays a cool former-cop-turned-senator who finds himself unexpectedly president in this taut thriller about the dangers that black people face when they take on positions of authority. President Jones tries to reason with a seemingly unending stream of hayseed bigots, white-power paranoiacs, southern cracker moonshine purveyors, liberal daughter-shielding hypocrites, good-cops-turned-bad, Harlem crack dealers looking for a break, doe-eyed coeds, hip single moms with attitude and poem-spouting subgenius oddball intellectuals on the prowl for stipends as he single-handedly stares down the Chinese over a nuclear missile installation in downtown Portugal. You may have missed this little gem the first time around, but dig deep and ye shall be rewarded. Enjoy!

Loopy Presidential Nightmare

Fail-Safe (1964)

Starring: Jack Lemon, Ernest Borgnine Directed by: Sidney Lumet Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Confusing cold-war drama that staggers from one strange idea to the next. President Jack Lemon accidentally pushes the Big Button, then desperately tries convince Russian President Ernest Borgnine (McHale's Navy) that it was HIS fault! There's some smirking juvenile nonsense about a general afraid of his own urine, a scientist with a skin disease, a cowboy who tries to mate with a nuclear device and a sexy secretary who dances the froog whenever the bombers pass another line of longitude. What to make of this? Is it sacriligeous to democracy? That's not for me to say, but I will say this: America is a country where even a British person can make fun of it. Can the United Kingdoms make that statement?

Dishonest Abe

Young Mr Lincoln (1939)

Starring: Jimmy Stewart, Donald Meek Directed by: John Ford Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review First off, Abe Lincoln was born in a log hut in KENTUCKY, not Illinois! Did the Chicago machine get to Mr. John Ford? If so, then why did Hollywood's "spin" doctors try to claim our second greatest president was a republican? Jimmy Stewart tries. Oh, he tries. But there's only so much he can do under fifteen pounds of wart makeup and a stovepipe hat that looks like it's about to spew acid rain over much of the Mississippi basin. Somebody needs to put on the dunce cap and stand in the corner with his back to the classroom.

Shrink Me, Daddy-O!

The President's Analyst (1967)

Starring: Dean Martin, Mercedes Cambridge Directed by: Theodore J. Flicker Rating: NR Genre: Comedy Other

Review Continuing our President's Week special edition, today we have a silly bit of fluff known as the President's Analyst. Drunken Crooner Dean Martin is Matt Helm, a suave smarmy dunderhead with delusions of Bondosity who is recruited by Mercedes Cambridge to pretend to be the Big Boss' cigar-chomping Freudian sound box. If it all sounds a little frivolous, we must remember that the sixties was not what most people would consider a "serious" decade (think of the dayglo colors and Dr. Seuss doing the sports on Laugh-In). Given the limitations of the era, I found it generally amusing and, at times, thought-provoking. Enjoy!

Out, Damn President!

Dave (1993)

Starring: Kevin Kline, Sigourney Weaver Directed by: Ivan Reitman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review In King Vidor's King's Row former President Ronald Reagan famously asked "Where are the rest of my legs?" And that's what I was wondering as I watched the multi-faceted Kevin Kline try to balance comedy and pathos as a fictional president of the United States outed by reporters. As we're looking at Presidential films this week, I thought I'd give this another glance. And what I saw left me, frankly, baffled.I wondered if the homosexual commmunity was as outraged as I that a movie like this even had to be made.

Scorcese's Last Dance?

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Starring: John Travolta, Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas Directed by: Martin Scorcese Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review To paraphrase Humphrey Bogart - Is this the end of Marty? Even kings eventually get their heads chopped off, so maybe it was time for the reign of Scorcese to come to an end. But what a dismal guillotine the maestro chose to decapitate himself with. Religious fruitcake John Travolta (Phenomenal) is fat, dumb and weird as a travelling salesman with a jumpy trigger finger and Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas comes off little better as his fey sidekick. I kept thinking that if only they had done the entire soundtrack with cool space alien singer Klaus Nomi, they might at least have been able to move this train wreck to a safe siding. But now that the movie has been "burned" onto DVD, we'll never know.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Hedwig and the Angry Witch (2001)

Starring: John Cameron Swayzie, Charo Directed by: John Cameron Swayzie Rating: R Genre: Musical Other

Review Wristwatch pitchman John Cameron Swayzie's choice to remake Rebel Without a Cause as a musical was a bold one, and for that alone he is to be commended. I admit that I rented this thinking it was a direct-to-DVD spinoff about Harry Potter's loveable owl but after the first forty minutes I was hooked. Who knew Charo could act? Simply delightful entertainment that shows even trailer trash have a shot at the big time. Enjoy!

Hitch? I Think Not.

Hitch (2005)

	Starring: Will Smith, Eva Mendes Directed by: Andy Tennant Rating: NR Genre: Romance Other
Review I know it's Hollywood, but the film takes a few too many liberties with the shockmeister's life for me to recommend it.

Sour Grapes Make Strong Medicine

The Grapes of Wrath (1940)

Starring: Jimmy Stewart, Minnie Pearl Directed by: John Ford Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Orson Welles' lyrical tribute to the plight of dumb oakies nearly outlasted my attention span but I couldn't help but be moved as Jimmy Stewart, Buddy Ebsen, Walter Brennan and Minnie Pearl set out in their gimcrack jalopy for California and the orange plantation grandpa bought with his heart medicine money. Various family members are picked off along the way by coyotes, vultures and anti-social hill people but eventually the kinfolk make it to the promised land. The orange grove is a bust but (spoiler!) the snakebit nimrods find black gold (oil!) just a bubblin' out of the ground. Stewart is a bit of a pill, whining about President Roosevelt and the Marshall Plan. But, as usual, grandma saves the day with a funny story, a reluctant tear and a heart attack. Ebsen later sucked this picture to the marrow by replaying Festus in the long-running Beverly Hillbillys. Later remade as "The Hills Have Eyes."

Death Disappoints

Faces of Death IV (1990)

	Starring:   Directed by: Conan Le Cilaire Rating: NR Genre: Documentary Other
Review Disappointing addition to the series.

I Know Chuck Heston, and You're No Chuck Heston

The Passion of the Christ (2004)

Starring: Robert Deniro, Frida Kahlo Directed by: Martin Scorcese Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Yikes! Marty Scorcese's bloody tribute to the Greatest Man On Earth is a cross between Bulldog Durham and Taxi Drivers. If the Master's last day at the office was really this bad, then I hope they give validation in heaven. Did Heston do it better? Of course he did, but with that said, DeNiro is riveting as the King of Kings, who braved the wrath of his own people to save them from God's wrath so that we could all be guilty in the eyes of the Lord. Gorgeous Frida Kahlo plays Jesus' sister Mary Magdalene and, while she seems a might slutty to be related to the Man Who Walked On Water, I think I get the point. And I'm sure you will too, if you're willing to wade into this hellish abbatoir in the spirit with which it was intended you should. But keep the kids and nervous pets away from the screen or they're likely to have some unsettling questions for the Sunday school teacher. If you do watch, be sure to check out the DVD extras, including a well-considered documentary on why the Jews who run Hollywood should not be offended, and a rather odd short on the making of pita bread.

Non-Sense

The Sixth Sense (1999)

Starring: Bruce Wills, Halley Osmond Directed by: M. Night Shamalang Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Spooky nonsense about a lawyer who comes back from the dead to try to fix his wife up with (get this) another lawyer! Shamalang needs to go back to the drawing board and figure out what makes movies like "Topper" work (casting Cary Grant would be a good start. Bruce Wills looks like he just got off the deck after a nine count). The one bright spot is miniature thesbo Halley Osmond (Malcolm in the Middle). Just thinking that there are creepy little kids like him wandering around the Paramount backlot scares the bejeebers out of me.

Hitch Takes On English Bastard

Rebecca (1940)

Starring: Laurence Oliver, Olivia D'Havilland Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Hitch sat out the war trying his hand at this four-hanky mucous-inducer in which master thespian Lawrence Oliver locks the slight but gracious Olivia D'Havilland in her room for a couple of years to soften her up. But to what end? That's Hitchcock's famous "mcMugguffin" in this suspenseful but occasionally tedious trudge through ye olde England. Massive, rotting estates litter the countryside and Olivier screams in the rain while D'Havilland goes slowly mad. I must admit I didn't quite get it. Was D'Havilland the reincarnation of Olivier's first wife, back from the dead? Was Olivier the bastard son of the Duke of Marlboro? I'm not sure the maestro really got a handle on what England is about so I'll leave it up to you to tease some meaning from the shock ending. But, like the jelly with the nauseating name, if its Hitchcock who am I to question it?

Ray of Sunshine

Ray (2004)

	Starring: Jimmy Foxx, Kerry Washington Directed by: Taylor Hackford Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review Though I never found his "You can call me Ray" routine particularly funny, I've always admired Ray Charles for being blind. And this movie is no exception. Jimmy Foxx is spot-on as the heroin-addict-turned-American-hero in this high class disease of the week weeper. Enjoy!

Texas Hold 'em!

A Friday Night Lights (2004)

Starring: Keenu Reeves, Gene Hackman Directed by: Peter Berg Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Having grown up in Dublin, Ohio (home of Wendys!) I'm very well acquainted with Texas high school football and I must say this inspiring yarn tugged pretty good at the old ticker threads. Keenu Reeves (Shakespeare in Love) plays a washed-up high school quarterback who is tracked down to a shrimpboat trawler abandoned in a Wal-Mart parking lot by red-assed coach Gene Hackman and given one chance at redemption. I know I've seen it before, but if the formula grows hair, who am I to stay bald? An odd subplot involving a charity game with a team of misfits, spastics and renegades from a nearby penitentiary (led by a hideously disfigured Billy Joe Thornton) sends the flick a little off course, but when Reeves' plucky girlfriend (the scrumptious Oliva d'Abo) announces she's pregnant and Keenu realizes he's got only one chance to make it to the pros and out of town we know we're on to a good thing. Put down the bon bons, pick up the pom poms and Enjoy!

Crummy, Yet Tasty!

American Splendor (2003)

Starring: Andy Kauffman, Cameron Diaz Directed by: Jerry Springer Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The Late Great Andy Kauffman plays oddball cartoonist Robert Crum in this litte dirge-like tribute to the failure that lurks in all of us. Sensational Cameron Diaz has been uglified almost beyond recognition in order to play Kauffman's potential mate and their relationship unfolds in a troglodytic dance of misery. Director Jerry Springer (former mayor of Cleveland) manages to make the city look like Detroit, for gods sake! And yet. And yet I must say that the pleasure of seeing Kauffman alive again and up to his old tricks outweights the petty criticisms that gnaw at my mind like that rats that hover in the background of the kitchen in Crum's dilapidated apartment. Springer proves a surprisingly adept first-time director. But if there's Kauffman, musn't there be bongos? Where are the bongos, Jerry? There must be bongos!

Robin Hood-winked!

Robin Hood: Prince of Tights (1991)

Starring: Kevin Costner, Alan Rickman Directed by: Kevin Reynolds Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review Hollywood never seems to tire of the bad man from Knotting Hill. Kevin Costner (The Beastmaster) plays the eponymous hero as a knucklehead with a limp wrist and case of chronic fatigue syndrome in this slight but amusing parody of the great Erroll Flynn serials of yesteryear. Costner's british accent seems, at times, to defy gravity as he battles the overmatched Alan Rickman for the love of pulchritudinous Olivia D'Abo. Too bad we didn't get a villain with some meat on his bones - wouldn't Jackie Gleason (dead) have been great?. Look for DVD extras including a embarassingly disastrous musical number that, thankfully, didn't make the final edit. Let's hope there's never a director's cut!

Tragic, Moving Exploration of Death at Sea

A Night To Remember (1958)

Starring: Kenneth More, Honor Blackman Directed by: Roy Ward Baker Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Harrowing account of the sinking of Howard Hughes' (The Aviator) grand folly, the three billion ton passenger liner Titantic in the seas off of Antartica. In somber black and white the movie recounts the precipitating moment that led the U.S. to enter World War One after the dastardly (but brilliant) nazi plan to seed the Atlantic ocean with deadly icebergs. A tragedy that all of us can only try to forget. Well worth your time.

Even Better The Second Time Around

Million Dollar Baby (2004)

Starring: Clint Eastwood, Burgess Meredith Directed by: Clint Eastwood Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Lizard-skinned Eastwood (Rooster Cogburn) plays Rocky to beautiful Michelle Rodriguez' Adrienne in this gender-switching remake of Eastwood's orangutan-laced comedy Every Which Way But Up. This time nonegenarian Burgess Meredith (Winterset) is along for the ride as the trio fights rednecks and flag-waving dumbos from cornpone-infested town to town to earn enough money for Rodriguez' aged grandfather to get a new set of peepers. Sometimes violent (it's The Man With No Name, after all) but always hilarious, this one gets a big thumbs up. Enjoy!