Hesher, Saved From Drowning

Go For it, Hesher! (2011)

Starring: Joseph Gordon Levine, Rainmaker, Natalie Portman Directed by: Denny Terrio Rating: R Genre: Drama Other: Inspirational Dancing

Review In pre-war France the great Rene Clair made a series of films about a drunken clown who defiles middle class families, all with the name Boudu Sauve des Eaux. Forty years later a giant bearded genius named Zero Mostel destroyed the lives of his teenager daughters in David Lean's "Fiddler on the Roof." Now, fifty years on, out of nowhere, disco dance sensation Denny Terrio pulls a rabbit out of that same dirty, dirty hat with "Go For It, Hesher!" a quirky, quixotic romp through the sewers of the mind - with bells on! Terrio ("Stayin' Alive 2: Ontario Dreams!") elicits  electric performances from teen dream sensations David Gordon Levine and Natalie Portman as star-crossed lovers on a road paved with the diamonds of the stars trampled beneath their feet by dreams they can only imagine, and nightmares they can only dream do not occur to their imaginations. Levine ("Walking Tall 5: Pusser vs. Billy Jack", "Lightning Bug: The Adam Ant Story") is particularly fine as a pouty-lipped young circus roustabout with a skateboard, a penchant for Virginia Slims hidden in a pack of Djarum Blacks and a one way ticket to Palookaville. Portman, so good as tragic Norwegian skating sensation Sonje Heine ("Quisling On Ice"), takes it down a couple of notches here as Rita a girl who, on the cusp of her "Quincenera" - a latin ritual for girls in which the young initiate learns that only her brothers will be allowed to attend college, must choose between the Talmud and the dark red mesh open-toed dance shoe. What you think you've seen before turns before your eyes into a delicate mix of black blood sausage and jasmine incense - something unexpected yet fragrant, but not unplesantly so.  I won't give away the shock ending, but be sure to bring a friend with plenty of kleenex and a change of socks. Enjoy! p.s. Yes, that is Sting reciting the Kaddish during the shivah montage.

The Devil In Disguise

Diary of a Priest (2011)

Starring: Paul Bethany, Noel Coward, Dorf, Kal Urban Directed by: Charles Nelson Reilly Rating: PG-13 Genre: Religious

Review Odd remake of Fifties Bresson film casts former "Big Brother" runner-up Bethany as renegado religious tootsie roll Simon Stylites. Stylites, who dressed as a donkey and pulled carts of "special" wood knows as "faggots" used to incinerate witches, unbelievers and forest gnomes, would be somewhat baffled by Director Reilly's complete and utter misreading of Jesus' time in the desert trying to find John the Baptist's head. That said, Bethany is very good as a man who discovers that "under every rock is another rock under which a scorpion may lie" (Book of Mormon) and Australian premier league legend Kal Urban holds his own as a crippled boy whose accidental encounter with some holy spittal results in the ability to decapitate unbelievers via an awesome bicycle kick. For those who think "turn the other cheek" refers to half a pressed ham this may be just the ticket. Recommended.

Low Blow

SuckerPunch (2011)

Starring: Emily Brownbottom, Abbie Cornwall, Scott Glenn Directed by: Zack Snyder Rating: PG-13 Genre: Thriller

Review Terrific remake of "Shock Corridor" director Sam Fuller's "Snake Pit" with newcomer Emily Brownbottom in the Olivia D'Havilland role as a pretty young loony who connives with a young Carl Jung (John-John Ham) to convince an even younger and prettier heiress (Abbie Cornwall - "Fly Robin Fly - the Silver Convention Story") that her money is actually a nest of robot spider that can only be controlled through a series of grisly seduction/murders of the rest of the staff. Confusing, absurd and absolutely riveting in its exploration of the wisdom of young women and the bad choices we all make when we imagine that they are looking at us across a Starbucks when in fact we are all but invisible to anyone younger than 40.  Snyder, who previously turned a tiny incident in Spartan history into international hysteria (and inadvertently gave Colin Powell the "verve" pipe he needed to launch the second invasion of Iraq), here shows an uncanny ability to put his hand up a young actress and make her do his bidding.  Not for children, or adults of children, or for older ladies who incessantly question plot points and point out the children of former leading ladies, or really for anyone disturbed by the idea that our psychiatric institutions may be susceptible to "social engineering hacks". But for those remaining, a more-than-adequate substitute for the kind of pleasure we used to receive through physical contact on an occasionally Friday night drive-in rendezvous.

Last One Out, Turn off the Lights

Green Hornet (2011)

Starring: Sith Rogan, JayChow Directed by: Mitchell Gondry Rating: PG-13 Genre: Suspense Other: Superhero

Review Fat, gray onanist Rogan turns his belly button into a foul spewpipe, "riffing" on one non-sequitur after another as he desperately seeks to talk his way clear of this pig offal of a script (by once-brilliant "novelist of the future" Jay "Gatsby" McInerney). Former Michael Jordan bodyguard and sidekick JayChow hangs on to Rogan's side blubber like a homesick remora. What exactly are we to make of what probably once looked like a "can't miss" idea before the likes of casting Godfather "Lyn" Stallmaster and evil supergenius Michael Ovidz put their morganetic spell upon it? Imagine a carpet the size of the Astrodome made of upturned mouths all screaming their agony in unison, only to be met by a hailstorm of Wilf Errol's special "menudo" stewed in the flopsweat of a hundred Zach Galfianikakiliases. Congratulations, you're a tenth of the way there. Leave EVERYONE home, and enjoy the simple pleasures of Mr. Tony Randall. You'll thank me.

The Englishman Who Walked Up A Word and Came Down A Soliloquy

Kingspeak (2011)

Starring: Colin Filth, Geoffroy Rush, Helen Bon-ham Carter Directed by: Tobe Hooper Rating: PG-13 Genre: History

Review Offensive drivel that would have us believe that "the king's english" was a plot invented by Churchill to change the official language of Britain to American. Filth plays an actor with a passing resemblance to His Royal Personage. Rush, as The Stogied Walrus, mocks every elementary school speech pathologist who ever stuck a tongue depressor down a second grader's throat. Stay away - with extreme prejudice!

Good Sports

Dilemma (2011)

Starring: Vince Hogg, Jack Black Directed by: Ronald Howard Rating: PG-13 Genre: Dramedy  Other: Gay & Lesbian

Review Two married men discover, through their mutual obsession with sports, that man-meat is the choice of champions. Hogg ("Swingles", "Hot Topic: The Movie") is once again a slick, likeable mug with tight leather pants (in black AND brown!) in the back of his closet. Black ("Child-Eater", "Loaf: The Marvin Lee Aday Story") is as hot as sizzling bacon fat as his best friend and confidante. Howard, never strong on plot lines, manages to set 'em up and knock 'em down proficiently enough to stay out of the lovers' way. And do they ever! Congratulations, Mr. Howard, for showing us that sports can emulate life, and love will find its measure.

To Thine Known Self Be True

What Do You Know (2010)

Starring: Gabrielle Reece, Paula Rugg, Jack Nicholson, Stubby Shavers Directed by: Jim Brooks Rating: PG-13 Genre: Tragedy Other

Review Once a year a fish known as a "grunion" beaches itself by the millions in the wet sands of San Diego in order to bring forth the next generation. And just as regularly "Jim" Brooks beaches himself on the boards of Hollywood to produce a film that will spawn a million imitations by never-shall-be's like Judge Apatown and "Jim" Jarmusch. "What Do You Know" (a subtle but appreciative nod to Dante's "Milton Lost") concerns a number of attractive people and Jack Nicholson doing what they do best - being the kind of people you know and that you are. And Jack Nicholson.  Like the piscatorial connoisseur, reap this little harvest of joy before Mr. Brooks shuffles off this little blue coil. You won't be disappointed. Note to Arwen - No, Ms. Witherspoon is clean-shaven.