Sawed Off Sh*tgun

Saw (2004)

Starring: Cary Ewe, Monica Potter Directed by: James Wan Rating: R Genre: Horror Other

Review Apparently young directors don't watch the masters anymore. Mr. "Wan" (if that's your real name), please go out and get yourself a copy of "The Ghost and Mr Chicken" and study it very carefully. Though ostensibly a children's entertainment, it's just possible that you might learn from it how to construct a piece of shivery/tingly horror. In the meantime the rest of us should avoid gaping at this grisly dogbone about two men who must saw themselves in half to escape the clutches of a mustachioed lunatic. Mr. Wan, if they sawed (sew?) themselves in half, THEY WOULD BE DEAD!!! Then what do they care what the lunatic does to them?!! Sometimes you want to reach through the screen and wring the director's scrawny neck!

English Film For English People

Vera Drake (2004)

Starring: Imelda Staunton Directed by: Mike Leigh Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Imelda Staunton (Happy Days) plays an old lady with a mole, and an interest in public health. Warning: this is NOT the Vera Drake who played the lawyer on the old Perry Mason series! I must admit I only watched the first ten minutes as I fumbled with my remote, looking for the English audio track. But what I saw looked very much like pictures of English cities I have seen in old Beatles photos. It may be just up your alley, if you're a fan of the early Beatles.

More Sinning than Sinned Against

Sin City(2005)

Starring: Mickey O'Rourke, Clive Owen Directed by: Frank Miller Rating: MR Genre: Drama Other

Review There are a million stories in the big city, but thankfully director Frank Miller has chosen only three to tell in Sin City, a spin-off of the highly popular software game in which the player creates "Sins," then feeds them, showers them, leads them to the bathroom and cleans up their kitchens for them. One of the more popular features of the game is the "Add-On Pak" which allows the player to set his "Sin" in college, for instance, or amongst a group of hippies who form a roving amateur circus. Miller's movie appears to be just such an "Add-On," as his "Sins" wander around a strangely discolored, desolate cityscape, committing unspeakably violent acts of despair upon their equally disconsolate fellow citizens. Strange to say, I found it fascinating - a peek at what I expect our children will be playing ten years from now. Immersive 3-d environments in which characters are decapitated right before your eyes may signal the end of civilization for some, but I know it's not real (unless, of course, you know someone who has been decapitated. In that case, I apologize). I say, bring on the dancing girls!

Are You Really What You Eat?

SuperSizeMe (2004)

Starring: Morgan Spurlock Directed by: Morgan Spurlock Rating: PG-13 Genre: Mockumentary Other

Review First-time director Morgan Spurlock's SuperSizeMe harkens back to the crazy stunts of the roaring Twenties, when grown men would sit on poles for a month, couples danced for a week straight and presidents fathered children out of wedlock. Spurlock's gag is to eat fatburgers for thirty days and then have a massive heart attack. You'll notice one big difference - Spurlock's "stunt" requires no SKILL! I, personally, have eaten lunch at Wendy's every day for the last five or so years and can state categorically that, other than an occasional twinge in my arm and some shortness of breath, I'm none the worse for wear. To be honest, I couldn't help wondering if this wasn't some elaborate blackmail scheme to which the MacDonald's corporation refused to bow. I have no evidence to prove this, but Mr. Spurlock carries the the saggy jowls of a man disappointed in an expected payday. And you'll notice that he never once mentioned their charitable work on behalf of children with cancer. Perhaps he just doesn't care. I say "Rock on, Ronald MacDonald!"

The Lion KILLS Tonight!

The Ghost And the Darkness (1996)

Starring: Michael Douglas, Tom Whiskerson Directed by: Steven Hopekins Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Imagine a land in which lions roam around freely, picking off the lame and halt. Then they turned on the healthy and white! Steven Hopekins brings us so close and personal you can almost smell the aftershave of the monster's last lunch partner. Val Kilmer plays a strange, shamanistic "imagineer" seeking a new way of life. And boy does he find it! Michael Douglas, in something of a departure, plays his love interest as a haggard, disease-ridden old man with nothing left to live for but to bag the Last Lion of The Serengeti. I won't spoil it for you, but I'll leave you with this: it's all true! Enjoy!

Elektra-ic!

Elektra (2005)

Starring: Carmen Elecktra Directed by: Rob Bowman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Hot-bod super-moron Carmen Elektra isn't even fifty yet and some Hollywood cynic felt the need to paint her life on the big screen...? Just kidding. But my April Fool's joke aside, Elektra's life has been fairly fascinating, from her genre-shifting appearances on German recording star (and former carnival roustabout) David Hasselhoffhorst's BayWatch to her tempestuous marriage to bejeweled whackjob Dr. Dennis Rodman. In a sense, as director Bowman seems to be hinting, Carmen's life has been a microcosm of the last fifteen years of American culture. Here's hoping he follows it up each five years like the fascinating british documentary 7-Up (14-Up, 21-Up, 28-Up, 35-Up, 42-Up, 49-Up, 56-Up, 63-Up, etc). Just maybe by watching Ms. Elektra slowly deteriorate, we'll get a little peek into what awaits us all.

Knock Knock. Who's There? Racism!

Guess Who (2005)

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Bernie Mac Directed by: Kevin Rodney Sullivan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review The word courage doesn't naturally spring to mind when discussing the ouvre of Ashton Kutcher, but that might all change after this handsome, unsparing update of the 60's light comedy starring (of all people) Sidney Poitier. Kutcher, the obese, moon-faced Bernie Mac and generally-untalented director Sullivan ignore the low-hanging fruit (comedy), instead opting for whole scenes in which the inherent discomfort of the actors is made plain to the audience. Kutcher, in particular, refuses to give in to the humor, making his slightly-retarded, insufferable character a whipping boy for all the injustices suffered by African-Americans throughout the history of our nation. In the same way that Scream redefined the horror genre by removing the horror, Guess Who may be looked back as a landmark as well: A comedy brave enough to go it alone. Bravo!

Vengeful Korean Master Film

Oldboy (2003)

	Starring: Min-sik Choi Directed by: Chan-wook Park Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Ultimately uplifting Korean powerhouse of a film suggests that revenge isn't all bad. As director Choi says in the DVD extras: "Venegance's a huge might and a sense that needs passion." If you're as fascinated with revenge as I am, then I can heartily recommend multiple viewings.

Generous Actress Allows Others To Shine

Being Julia (2004)

Starring: Annette Bening, Jeremy Iron Directed by: Istvan Szabo Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Annette Bening shows off some serious uber-technique in this classy adaptation of mayonnaise-heiress Lilian Hellman's race horse drama Pimlico. Ably assisted by Jeremy Iron (doesn't that sound like an adult film pseudonym?), Bening shows what a generous actress she is, giving up almost every scene to just about anyone else within the camera's frame. May be something of an acquired taste but, like Ms. Hellman's oil-rich spread, it adds just the right piquant touch to that special dish (artichokes, for example). Enjoy!

Fit Brit a Hit in the Cit!

Alfie (2004)

Starring: Judd Law, Marisa Tomei Directed by: Charles Shylock Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review "What's it all about, Alfie? Is it just a game for you?" Alfie, a young ne'er-do-well with a British accent and an attitude to match "macks" on femalia young and old throughout the triborough area only to find that that love is not a game of nine-pins. Instead, it's like golf - he who scores the least, wins the game of hearts. Judd Law (the Breakfast Club) lost about 150 pounds and died his hair blonde to make his comeback and, other than the phony british accent, he's excellent. Rumors are swirling that he may be the next Batman and, after watching this one, I'm on board. God's Speed, Judd!

Bullock Shoots... And Scores Again!

Miss Congenitally 2 (2005)

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Regina King Directed by: John Pasquin Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell... Sandra Bullock! And is she ever terrific in a reprise of her breakout role as Detective Smartypants - an ugly duckling strapped to a bus wired to an atomic bomb and heading straight to Hell. Ms. Bullock (latin for "bull" oddly enough) whose ever-growing subcuteneous pulchritude makes her sexy as a seal pup, is smart enough to know when enough is enough and she stops trying long before the opening crawl is complete. Instead, she sleepwalks through the 191 minutes it takes for Miss Congenitally Part Deux to grind it's way through our hearts, and who can blame her? Not me! Enjoy!

Media Circus

Anchorman (2004)

Starring: Wilf Erroll, Smack Daddy Directed by: Adam McKay Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review When Sir Walter Cronkite intoned those famous words "... And that's the way it Was" I do not believe he had this movie in mind. Anchorman is a foul-mouthed corruption of the ideals of journalism as they were laid down by such luminaries as Edward R. Newman and Edwin Murrow back in the day when the news was more than good hair and gleaming teeth. Then again, it is a comedy. But give me Ted Baxter any day over the the "stylings" of Saturday Night Live alumnus Wilf Erroll and the emasculating sidekick - the finger-licking bad "Smack Daddy." Hollywood has yet to realize that real humor is found neither in tragedy of flatulence nor the exploitation of the wholesome vigor of a young woman's poitrine. Instead, it exists at the confluence where high moral rectitude runs head on into the pitch-black ice-cold, dagger-sharp, brain-rattling, soul-eating wall we call "reality." But then the Hollywood bigshots in their Beaver-skin coats and Bel-Air mansions wouldn't know that, would they?

Nixon In Love

Nixon (1995)

Starring: Sir Laurence Oliver, Joan Allen Directed by: Oliver Stone Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review What pithy and salacious tidbit of information Director Oliver Stone (American Psychotic) had over Sir Laurence Oliver to get him to appear as disgraced President of the United States Richard Nixon may forever remain a mystery, but this much is clear: Oliver was the twentieth century's greatest actor, and perhaps the greatest actor since they have been keeping records. Oliver snuffles, winces, groans, squints, belches and swears his way into our hearts, showing us the humanity behind the bitter, contorted mask that was Tricky Dicky Nixon. Who amongst us can have claimed, before seeing this film, to have known the fevered, almost morbid, passion this dark, paranoid, humpbacked walking-stick (who risked an empire on the fate of a spotted dog) brought to his relationship with pinch-faced asexual "Pat" Nixon (played ably by Joan Allen [The Iced Storm])? As the song says, "Love Is All Around, There is No Need To Waste It." It seems a pity that we had to wait so long to understand that tragic message. Thank you Mssrs. Oliver and Stone. A grateful nation awaits, with bated breath, "Agnew."

Peeing John Malkovich

Being John Malkovich (2001)

	Starring: John Malkovich Directed by: John Malkovich Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Weirdball vanity project in which Malkovich assumes people would pay good money to see what it's like to urinate through his own eyes. If this is art, then bring on the poker-playing canines!

Little Boy Lost

Finding NeverNeverLand (2004)

	Starring: Johnny Depp, Kate Winslet Directed by: Marc Foster Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review Disturbing weeper about a boy with a strange disease that gives him a man's body, but a child's lack of sex drive. Not sure I grasp who the audience for this is, but more power to them if this is the way of life they seek. Probably best to lock the kids away for this one, should you find you or your life partner feel compelled to take a peek.

Jesus Is Just Alright With Me

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

Starring: ZZ Top, Barbra Streisand Directed by: Norman Jewison Rating: UR Genre: Musical Other

Review ZZ Top as Jesus, Fabulous Barbra Streisand as his Mother - Mary - and the New Christy Minstrels as the Disciples, with a score by Classical Maestro Andre Previn and 70's hipster Henry Mancini? Sounds a like a recipe for disaster, but hold onto your communion wafers because this one works it like Tina Turner guesting at a Rolling Stones Concert! The bearded Trolls of Texas turn the Sermon on the Mount into the blues weepfest I can now see it was meant to be, and Streisand belts "I Can Explain" (a little ditty about Jesus' mysterious conception) with both pathos and enough volume to blow a hole right the diaphragm of my (admittedly ancient) Klipschorns. Who'd a thunk it? Highly recommended!

Gameplan For Disaster

Man Of the House (2005)

Starring: Billy Joe Thornton, Cedric The Magician Directed by: Stephen Herek Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review What lugnut thought it was funny to pair up a man as supernaturally ugly as Billy Joe Thornton with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and drop them in the middle of the Super Bowl with a madman who has comandeered a blimp with a thermonuclear device on board and is aiming to take out the state of Texas during the halftime show? Congratulations Hollywood, you have managed to scale unto new heights of irresponsibility, providing every noodnik with a blimp license and a buddy with a physics degree from Saltlick State U. with his own special blueprint for World War III. Pat yourselves on the your collective rumps, you fools, while the rest of us pray this thing is confiscated by the powers that be and locked in an airtight vault a thousand miles under the Washington Monument.

A Ring Too Far

Ring 2: Electric Boogaloo (2005)

Starring: Naomi Watts, Simon LeBon Directed by: Hirayo Miyazi Rating: R Genre: Anime Other

Review Director Miyazi, better known for brilliant childrens' classics like Fat Red Porker and Flitting Away, turns his attention to the dungeons & dragons genre with an animated followup to last year's Lord of the Rings, and with predictably disappointing results. Gone are the obese felines and talking hamsters, replaced by "dark things" in the corner that go boo. I think it's time we gave poor old J.R.R.R. Tolking a break and turned our heads toward happier thoughts. Better to spend the time scrubbing the ring around your tub. (NOTE: I meant that as a joke, but if you do wash your tub with an abrasive cleanser be sure to rinse the ceramic very well or you may find yourself with red welts on your bottomside - I speak with the voice of experience!)

Travolta In One For The Ages

Be Cool (2005)

Starring: John Travolta, Uma Thurmond Directed by: Quentus Tarantino Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review I find myself unable to concoct a catchy metaphor to express my feelings about this dark fable of underworld that is the Entertainment business. I've always felt it was not the place of the reviewer to inject his (or her) personal feelings into a review. But I'm going to break that rule: I believe that twenty, thirty or even fifty years from now people will think about Actor John Travolta in the same way we who live in the first decade of the new century honor Mr Spencer Tracy. Travolta (Phenomenon) is a phenomenon unto himself, a cool, fat sex machine with sleekit hair like an otter and eyes that bore into one's soul like a two-fisted dentist drilling a pair of cheese-soft molars. When he's on the screen, it's as though the light that emanates from his forehead obliterates the cast, the crew, the set, the foliage. One watches and wonders why the film emulsion doesn't drip right off its celluloid backing. What about the film, you ask? What film? All is Travolta. Travolta is all. All doubters will be forced to their knees after this one. I guarantee it. Enjoy!

It Isn't Easy Being A Frog

Men Of Honor (2000)

Starring: Q-Bot Goodman, Jr., Harvey Keitel Directed by: George Tillman, Jr. Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Men Of Honor's blue language will turn away many who should be forced to watch its stark depiction of African-Americans compelled to the bottom of the sea by a military bureacracy that cannot see the man behind the frog-mask. Rapper Q-Bot Goodman, Jr. refuses to dance to his white commander's jig, upping the ante with each perilous league the ship descends on its rendezvous with horror. Finally Harvey Keitel's Captain Queeg lets go of his metal balls long enough to have the upstart crow thrown in the brig. But when the crew begins to suffocate, Goodman is the first to volunteer to don the rubber fish suit and repair the gaping hole that leaves them with only minutes until their nuclear payload blows a opening in the Antartic's ozone layer the size of Antartica. Action, drama and lonely terror-induced buggery all vie for our attention as the precious seconds tick away. I can think of no more honorable way to salute our submariners of all colors than to sit through all three-hundred and forty minutes of this carnival of asphyxiation. Frogmen, We Salute You!

Freeze Baby, Freeze!

The Day After The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Toby Maguire Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review What would happen if the day after the day after tomorrow was really really cold? This provocative setpiece outlining just such a scenario strikes out at every government bureaucrat who ever kept you waiting in line at the DMV even though you had an appointment by showing what would happen if their eyeballs froze (spoiler - they pop!). Grumpy Dennis Quaid sublimates his lack of sexual activity by discovering that pollution has become so bad that the Statue of Liberty will soon be in the middle of an ice cube just like in those acrylic cubes you can buy at the Statue of Liberty. It's all a little farfetched (doesn't anybody remember that ozone in your refrigerator can KILL you?) but lots of fun as folks scurry around like ants trying to convince the evil president "Bosch" and vice-president "Chutney" that they've doomed us all to a future picking oranges in Zihuatenejo. Incredible DVD extras include blooper real of "flubbed" lines (when actors cannot remember their lines or they say them incorrectly or, occasionally, say them too soon or too late before or after another actor's "cue") and thought-provoking mini-documentary on how file-sharing pirates are spreading viruses that give young children cancer.

Mystical Magical Tour of Beantown

Mystic River (2004)

	Starring: Sean Penn, Tim Robbins Directed by: Clint Eastwood Rating: PG Genre: Comedy Other
Review Mayhem ensues when a band of mischievous leprechauns descend upon Boston's Charles River. Can love be far behind?

Grisly Story That Had To Be Told

Real Women Have Curves (2002)

Starring: Charlie Theron, Christina Ricky Directed by: Patty Cardoso Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review A cautionary tale for any man considering the question: "Do I look fat in these pants?" this grisly docudrama is a technicolor nightmare of man-hate. Theron is brilliant as the hulking ex-wrestler turned deadly performance-artist, hacking her way with a meat cleaver through any man who has the temerity to rape her. One hopes the Justice Department was taking notes because without this kind of film we might never have known the plight of homicidal prostitutes.

Burn Baby Burn!

Ladder 49(2004)

Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, John Travolta Directed by: Jay Russell Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Ladder 49 (named for the number of steps it takes for a fireman to reach the second story of a burning building) has all of the excitement of Backdraft without the annoying story line. Who hasn't, at one time or another, considered buring down his parents' horrible, boring summer house? Ladder 49 is probably as close as most of you are ever going to get. An experience not to be missed by those who love the mysterious yellow blossom in all its myriad manifestations!

Depravity, Thy Name is Gigli!

Gigli(1958)

Starring: Audrey Hepburn, Marcel Marceau Directed by: Steven Sondheim Rating: G Genre: Musical Other

Review "Gigli, you with the stars in your eyes..." Well, something must have been in her eyes for Audrey Hepburn to allow herself to be sold off to ancient wanker Marcel Marceau by monstrous grandmother Angela Lansbury (Miss Piggy's Grand Aventure). Only Sondheim, that dark atonal weasal of misery could have concocted a story so sordid that it made the angels along 41st Street weep. Gorgeously cinematographed on a backlot Paris-that-never-was, this bright, shiny booger manages to offend all but the most permissive with its constant smirks and chuckles at the misery of women forced by their grandparents' penury to bed disgusting truffle-hogs like Mr. Marceau. Shame apparently is a word unknown in the depraved underground lairs of sophisticated New York showpeople. But, as a citizen of Ohio, I'll take none of it. And neither, I think, will you. Shame!

Put A Cork In It. It's Done!

Sideways (2004)

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Meryl Streep Directed by: Margaret Cho Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review A paean to Sisyphus (the Roman God of Wine), Sideways takes the patient viewer on a journey of few steps but many miles. Fat, ugly wine connoisseur Giamatti (The Andy Kauffman Story) hits the road after vomiting on the last of his mother's treasury notes, hightailing it up to beautiful Napa/Sonoma. There he vomits on waitress Meryl Streep who, obviously nursing some serious issues of her own, finds herself strangely charmed by this hairy fruitbat. Can inebriated Cupid hit the target? I'll leave it to you to find out. Parental Note: You may have to forcefeed them stimulants, but I highly recommend having your kids watch this sobering lesson about the dangers of wine and song.

Dyno-NOT!

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Starring: Crispy Glover, Jon Gries Directed by: Jared Hess Rating: PG Genre: Comedy Other

Review Now is the winter of my discontent as I watch yet another mediocre seventies television show "adapted" for the big screen. Good Times starred the inimitable Esther Rolle (Good Times) as the mother of the loveable, mentally-challenged J.J. whose spastic enthusiasm for life managed to bubble through the tacky sets and creaky vaudeville scripts. From what bibulous nightmare Nike admeister Hess conjured the concept of weirdball Crispy Glover as J.J. is probably best left to his crack team of round-the-clock therapists. Let us pray that this misguided rat pellet disintegrates quickly and we are spared the sight of Christopher Walking donning the legendary guano-stained coat of the master-sleuth Columbo!

The Emperor of the Blown Mind!

Constantine (2005)

Starring: Keenu Reeves,Rachel Weisz Directed by: Francis Laurence Rating: Unrated Genre: Action Other

Review Mr. Keenu Reeves proves once again that he is the one Hollywood actor willing and able to BLOW YOUR MIND! Reeves is fantastic as Constantine, an oddly feckless man who, when he suddenly begins to channel the great former emperor of Constantinople, has powers beyond your imagination. When his friend's sister dies he goes to hell and engages in the best theological debate with Satan since the underrated Little Nicky. Often castigated as a nitwit with a brainpan the size of a triscuit, Reeves fights the good fight as Satan's worst nightmare! Fantastic special effects include a donkey stuck in a tornado and Reeves underpants spontaneously bursting into flames. Looking forward to Reeves always-thought-provoking commentary on the DVD!

Leggo Of My Ego

Olivier's Hamlet (1948)

	Starring: Laurence Oliver, Eileen Herlie Directed by: Laurence Oliver Rating: Unrated Genre: Drama Other
Review Oliver's Hamlet? Pardon me, I thought it was Mr. Shakespeare's Hamlet! If you can manage your way past the man's all devouring ego you'll find Oliver delivers the goods as the naughty Dane with a horrible secret and a heart of gold. Alas, poor York, it's not recommended for children.

Hello Monday, Where Have You Been?

The Lost Weekend (1945)

	Starring: Jack Lemon, Jane Wyman Directed by: Billy Wilder Rating: Unrated Genre: Drama Other
Review Jack Lemon gets so drunk he can see through women's clothing? Eventually this "gift" drives him crazy and he gets a divorce. Interesting attempt to fuse sci-fi and social commentary doesn't always connect on all cylinders - but then Carl Yastremszki once led the American league in batting by hitting .301. Sometimes good enough is good enough!

All The President's Kooks

All the President's Men (1976)

Starring: Robert Deniro, Robert Redford Directed by: Alan J. Paluka Rating: PG Genre: Drama Other

Review We finish off our President's Week Celebration of Presidents in the Movies with this wildly preposterous tale of two hippies (one blonde, the other brunette) who happen to stumble upon the biggest political scandal since Warren Harding dumped tea in the Boston Harbor. While I've always enjoyed Deniro and Redford's work (see Butch Cassiday, for instance) I don't think denigrating the president's brilliant pingpong detente with China for entertainment value is going to play in Peoria. How did the hippies get access to the greatest men in government? Offer them some marijuana? Director Paluka rarely returned to the government scandal genre again. Now you know why.

You Are The Man!

The Man (1972)

Starring: James Earle Jones, Martin Balsam Directed by: Joseph Sargent Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Toad-voiced genius actor James Earle Jones (the voice of CNN) plays a cool former-cop-turned-senator who finds himself unexpectedly president in this taut thriller about the dangers that black people face when they take on positions of authority. President Jones tries to reason with a seemingly unending stream of hayseed bigots, white-power paranoiacs, southern cracker moonshine purveyors, liberal daughter-shielding hypocrites, good-cops-turned-bad, Harlem crack dealers looking for a break, doe-eyed coeds, hip single moms with attitude and poem-spouting subgenius oddball intellectuals on the prowl for stipends as he single-handedly stares down the Chinese over a nuclear missile installation in downtown Portugal. You may have missed this little gem the first time around, but dig deep and ye shall be rewarded. Enjoy!

Loopy Presidential Nightmare

Fail-Safe (1964)

Starring: Jack Lemon, Ernest Borgnine Directed by: Sidney Lumet Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Confusing cold-war drama that staggers from one strange idea to the next. President Jack Lemon accidentally pushes the Big Button, then desperately tries convince Russian President Ernest Borgnine (McHale's Navy) that it was HIS fault! There's some smirking juvenile nonsense about a general afraid of his own urine, a scientist with a skin disease, a cowboy who tries to mate with a nuclear device and a sexy secretary who dances the froog whenever the bombers pass another line of longitude. What to make of this? Is it sacriligeous to democracy? That's not for me to say, but I will say this: America is a country where even a British person can make fun of it. Can the United Kingdoms make that statement?

Dishonest Abe

Young Mr Lincoln (1939)

Starring: Jimmy Stewart, Donald Meek Directed by: John Ford Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review First off, Abe Lincoln was born in a log hut in KENTUCKY, not Illinois! Did the Chicago machine get to Mr. John Ford? If so, then why did Hollywood's "spin" doctors try to claim our second greatest president was a republican? Jimmy Stewart tries. Oh, he tries. But there's only so much he can do under fifteen pounds of wart makeup and a stovepipe hat that looks like it's about to spew acid rain over much of the Mississippi basin. Somebody needs to put on the dunce cap and stand in the corner with his back to the classroom.

Shrink Me, Daddy-O!

The President's Analyst (1967)

Starring: Dean Martin, Mercedes Cambridge Directed by: Theodore J. Flicker Rating: NR Genre: Comedy Other

Review Continuing our President's Week special edition, today we have a silly bit of fluff known as the President's Analyst. Drunken Crooner Dean Martin is Matt Helm, a suave smarmy dunderhead with delusions of Bondosity who is recruited by Mercedes Cambridge to pretend to be the Big Boss' cigar-chomping Freudian sound box. If it all sounds a little frivolous, we must remember that the sixties was not what most people would consider a "serious" decade (think of the dayglo colors and Dr. Seuss doing the sports on Laugh-In). Given the limitations of the era, I found it generally amusing and, at times, thought-provoking. Enjoy!

Out, Damn President!

Dave (1993)

Starring: Kevin Kline, Sigourney Weaver Directed by: Ivan Reitman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review In King Vidor's King's Row former President Ronald Reagan famously asked "Where are the rest of my legs?" And that's what I was wondering as I watched the multi-faceted Kevin Kline try to balance comedy and pathos as a fictional president of the United States outed by reporters. As we're looking at Presidential films this week, I thought I'd give this another glance. And what I saw left me, frankly, baffled.I wondered if the homosexual commmunity was as outraged as I that a movie like this even had to be made.

Scorcese's Last Dance?

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Starring: John Travolta, Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas Directed by: Martin Scorcese Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review To paraphrase Humphrey Bogart - Is this the end of Marty? Even kings eventually get their heads chopped off, so maybe it was time for the reign of Scorcese to come to an end. But what a dismal guillotine the maestro chose to decapitate himself with. Religious fruitcake John Travolta (Phenomenal) is fat, dumb and weird as a travelling salesman with a jumpy trigger finger and Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas comes off little better as his fey sidekick. I kept thinking that if only they had done the entire soundtrack with cool space alien singer Klaus Nomi, they might at least have been able to move this train wreck to a safe siding. But now that the movie has been "burned" onto DVD, we'll never know.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Hedwig and the Angry Witch (2001)

Starring: John Cameron Swayzie, Charo Directed by: John Cameron Swayzie Rating: R Genre: Musical Other

Review Wristwatch pitchman John Cameron Swayzie's choice to remake Rebel Without a Cause as a musical was a bold one, and for that alone he is to be commended. I admit that I rented this thinking it was a direct-to-DVD spinoff about Harry Potter's loveable owl but after the first forty minutes I was hooked. Who knew Charo could act? Simply delightful entertainment that shows even trailer trash have a shot at the big time. Enjoy!

Hitch? I Think Not.

Hitch (2005)

	Starring: Will Smith, Eva Mendes Directed by: Andy Tennant Rating: NR Genre: Romance Other
Review I know it's Hollywood, but the film takes a few too many liberties with the shockmeister's life for me to recommend it.

Sour Grapes Make Strong Medicine

The Grapes of Wrath (1940)

Starring: Jimmy Stewart, Minnie Pearl Directed by: John Ford Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Orson Welles' lyrical tribute to the plight of dumb oakies nearly outlasted my attention span but I couldn't help but be moved as Jimmy Stewart, Buddy Ebsen, Walter Brennan and Minnie Pearl set out in their gimcrack jalopy for California and the orange plantation grandpa bought with his heart medicine money. Various family members are picked off along the way by coyotes, vultures and anti-social hill people but eventually the kinfolk make it to the promised land. The orange grove is a bust but (spoiler!) the snakebit nimrods find black gold (oil!) just a bubblin' out of the ground. Stewart is a bit of a pill, whining about President Roosevelt and the Marshall Plan. But, as usual, grandma saves the day with a funny story, a reluctant tear and a heart attack. Ebsen later sucked this picture to the marrow by replaying Festus in the long-running Beverly Hillbillys. Later remade as "The Hills Have Eyes."

Death Disappoints

Faces of Death IV (1990)

	Starring:   Directed by: Conan Le Cilaire Rating: NR Genre: Documentary Other
Review Disappointing addition to the series.

I Know Chuck Heston, and You're No Chuck Heston

The Passion of the Christ (2004)

Starring: Robert Deniro, Frida Kahlo Directed by: Martin Scorcese Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Yikes! Marty Scorcese's bloody tribute to the Greatest Man On Earth is a cross between Bulldog Durham and Taxi Drivers. If the Master's last day at the office was really this bad, then I hope they give validation in heaven. Did Heston do it better? Of course he did, but with that said, DeNiro is riveting as the King of Kings, who braved the wrath of his own people to save them from God's wrath so that we could all be guilty in the eyes of the Lord. Gorgeous Frida Kahlo plays Jesus' sister Mary Magdalene and, while she seems a might slutty to be related to the Man Who Walked On Water, I think I get the point. And I'm sure you will too, if you're willing to wade into this hellish abbatoir in the spirit with which it was intended you should. But keep the kids and nervous pets away from the screen or they're likely to have some unsettling questions for the Sunday school teacher. If you do watch, be sure to check out the DVD extras, including a well-considered documentary on why the Jews who run Hollywood should not be offended, and a rather odd short on the making of pita bread.

Non-Sense

The Sixth Sense (1999)

Starring: Bruce Wills, Halley Osmond Directed by: M. Night Shamalang Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Spooky nonsense about a lawyer who comes back from the dead to try to fix his wife up with (get this) another lawyer! Shamalang needs to go back to the drawing board and figure out what makes movies like "Topper" work (casting Cary Grant would be a good start. Bruce Wills looks like he just got off the deck after a nine count). The one bright spot is miniature thesbo Halley Osmond (Malcolm in the Middle). Just thinking that there are creepy little kids like him wandering around the Paramount backlot scares the bejeebers out of me.

Hitch Takes On English Bastard

Rebecca (1940)

Starring: Laurence Oliver, Olivia D'Havilland Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Hitch sat out the war trying his hand at this four-hanky mucous-inducer in which master thespian Lawrence Oliver locks the slight but gracious Olivia D'Havilland in her room for a couple of years to soften her up. But to what end? That's Hitchcock's famous "mcMugguffin" in this suspenseful but occasionally tedious trudge through ye olde England. Massive, rotting estates litter the countryside and Olivier screams in the rain while D'Havilland goes slowly mad. I must admit I didn't quite get it. Was D'Havilland the reincarnation of Olivier's first wife, back from the dead? Was Olivier the bastard son of the Duke of Marlboro? I'm not sure the maestro really got a handle on what England is about so I'll leave it up to you to tease some meaning from the shock ending. But, like the jelly with the nauseating name, if its Hitchcock who am I to question it?

Ray of Sunshine

Ray (2004)

	Starring: Jimmy Foxx, Kerry Washington Directed by: Taylor Hackford Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review Though I never found his "You can call me Ray" routine particularly funny, I've always admired Ray Charles for being blind. And this movie is no exception. Jimmy Foxx is spot-on as the heroin-addict-turned-American-hero in this high class disease of the week weeper. Enjoy!

Texas Hold 'em!

A Friday Night Lights (2004)

Starring: Keenu Reeves, Gene Hackman Directed by: Peter Berg Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Having grown up in Dublin, Ohio (home of Wendys!) I'm very well acquainted with Texas high school football and I must say this inspiring yarn tugged pretty good at the old ticker threads. Keenu Reeves (Shakespeare in Love) plays a washed-up high school quarterback who is tracked down to a shrimpboat trawler abandoned in a Wal-Mart parking lot by red-assed coach Gene Hackman and given one chance at redemption. I know I've seen it before, but if the formula grows hair, who am I to stay bald? An odd subplot involving a charity game with a team of misfits, spastics and renegades from a nearby penitentiary (led by a hideously disfigured Billy Joe Thornton) sends the flick a little off course, but when Reeves' plucky girlfriend (the scrumptious Oliva d'Abo) announces she's pregnant and Keenu realizes he's got only one chance to make it to the pros and out of town we know we're on to a good thing. Put down the bon bons, pick up the pom poms and Enjoy!

Crummy, Yet Tasty!

American Splendor (2003)

Starring: Andy Kauffman, Cameron Diaz Directed by: Jerry Springer Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The Late Great Andy Kauffman plays oddball cartoonist Robert Crum in this litte dirge-like tribute to the failure that lurks in all of us. Sensational Cameron Diaz has been uglified almost beyond recognition in order to play Kauffman's potential mate and their relationship unfolds in a troglodytic dance of misery. Director Jerry Springer (former mayor of Cleveland) manages to make the city look like Detroit, for gods sake! And yet. And yet I must say that the pleasure of seeing Kauffman alive again and up to his old tricks outweights the petty criticisms that gnaw at my mind like that rats that hover in the background of the kitchen in Crum's dilapidated apartment. Springer proves a surprisingly adept first-time director. But if there's Kauffman, musn't there be bongos? Where are the bongos, Jerry? There must be bongos!

Robin Hood-winked!

Robin Hood: Prince of Tights (1991)

Starring: Kevin Costner, Alan Rickman Directed by: Kevin Reynolds Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review Hollywood never seems to tire of the bad man from Knotting Hill. Kevin Costner (The Beastmaster) plays the eponymous hero as a knucklehead with a limp wrist and case of chronic fatigue syndrome in this slight but amusing parody of the great Erroll Flynn serials of yesteryear. Costner's british accent seems, at times, to defy gravity as he battles the overmatched Alan Rickman for the love of pulchritudinous Olivia D'Abo. Too bad we didn't get a villain with some meat on his bones - wouldn't Jackie Gleason (dead) have been great?. Look for DVD extras including a embarassingly disastrous musical number that, thankfully, didn't make the final edit. Let's hope there's never a director's cut!

Tragic, Moving Exploration of Death at Sea

A Night To Remember (1958)

Starring: Kenneth More, Honor Blackman Directed by: Roy Ward Baker Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Harrowing account of the sinking of Howard Hughes' (The Aviator) grand folly, the three billion ton passenger liner Titantic in the seas off of Antartica. In somber black and white the movie recounts the precipitating moment that led the U.S. to enter World War One after the dastardly (but brilliant) nazi plan to seed the Atlantic ocean with deadly icebergs. A tragedy that all of us can only try to forget. Well worth your time.

Even Better The Second Time Around

Million Dollar Baby (2004)

Starring: Clint Eastwood, Burgess Meredith Directed by: Clint Eastwood Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Lizard-skinned Eastwood (Rooster Cogburn) plays Rocky to beautiful Michelle Rodriguez' Adrienne in this gender-switching remake of Eastwood's orangutan-laced comedy Every Which Way But Up. This time nonegenarian Burgess Meredith (Winterset) is along for the ride as the trio fights rednecks and flag-waving dumbos from cornpone-infested town to town to earn enough money for Rodriguez' aged grandfather to get a new set of peepers. Sometimes violent (it's The Man With No Name, after all) but always hilarious, this one gets a big thumbs up. Enjoy!