A Dish Best Served Not At All

Cannibal: The Musical (1996)

Starring: Trey Parker, Toddy Waters Directed by: Trey Parker Rating: R Genre: Musical Other

Review There certainly is a place for a musical about the scourge of cannibalism, but unfortunately this is not it. Cannibal: The Musical purports to represent the interests of those driven by cruel desperation to partake in the Meat-That-Dare-Not-Speak-Its-Name, but really it's an excuse for some rather juvenile pranks involving a group of miners who can't keep their pants up. Those of us with relatives who have been through this horrendous ordeal may find it hard to forgive the mocking nature of the film, but perhaps we are too close to the subject to appreciate its humorous possibilities. All I can say is that the musical that sings the pain of those pitiable unfortunates has yet to be composed. Are you listening Mr. Billy Joel?

Unspeakable Act

Va***na Monologues (2002)

	Starring: Eve Ensler Directed by: Ernest Shadrack Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other
Review I almost entitled this review "Loose Lips Sink Ship" before I got ahold of myself. And that's the problem with this generally entertaining look at womanhood at the beginning of the new millenium. There is much to learn here, but let's leave the anatomy lesson to Dr. Koop, shall we?

Ben-Hur Like Beacham!

Ben-Hur(1959)

Starring: Charleston Heston Directed by: William Wylie Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review The story of Judah Ben-Hur reads like a biblical epic, and that's no coincidence. William Wylie's (How High Was My Pony) expansive reminiscence of Ye Olde Tymes reminds us once again that Hollywood has always been the Fabulous Invalid - limping its way across our imaginations until our heads are filled with images of Charleston Heston sixty feet high sparking wheelhubs with Sir Stephen Boyd in a race that is sure to thrill you. Every dollar used to be up on the screen in those days (and yes, I mean both the fifties and the First Century) and it shows. Ben-Hur was a Jew at a time when Hollywood knew the meaning of the phrase. What a classic! Enjoy!

Monster Hit!

MonsterBall (2001)

Starring: Joe Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry Directed by: Marc Forster Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Not to be confused with the equally dramatic Rollerball, this strong soup is served straight from the steaming cauldron of racial disagreement. Joe Billy Bob Thornton (Friday Night's Lights) plays a prison guard in love with a beautiful mass murderer (beautiful Halle Berry). Is she really guilty, or is she covering the blood-stained hands of (spoiler!) Thornton's hate-filled, childkilling mad-pappy (sad-sack behemoth Peter Boyle)? Will lovestruck Thornton discover the horrific truth in time, or will Ms. Berry walk the long green mile to her date with a syringe? Horror, sadness, terror, pity and horror brought to you in the kind of tight-rumped, steamy package the Oscar drools over. And indeed, the little metal man with the midas touch deigned to drop his magically fairy dust over the fabulous Ms. Berry. Well-deserved, I say. Enjoy!

Read My Lips

The Interpreter (2005)

Starring: Nicole Kid-Man, Sean Bean Penn Directed by: Sydney Pollack Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Not since Spiro Kozanzokositis' Z has a political thriller been this political, or this thrilling. Stirring hermaphrodite Nicole Kid-Man stars as a linguist with a tongue for international relations who stumbles upon a plot to murder a thuggish despot who steals oil from small children. Should she trust sensitive, bestubbled mumbler Sean Bean Penn, or should she follow her heart and wing a chinese killing star into the monster's throat while he pounds a shoe on the U.N. furniture? Don't let the insider politics put you off - this is a true heart-grinding chiller that questions the very fact that the United States rules the world with an iron fist wrapped in a velvet fist. There's a lot to think about and a lot to feel. The chemistry between Kid-Man and Bean Penn gave me chafed thighs. Enjoy! Note:Just a thought: Wouldn't it be more grammatically correct for the title to be The Interpretrix?

Dogmatic's Life

Dogma (1999)

	Starring: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon Directed by: Kevin Smith Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Hipster retelling of the Book of Mormon seems to be aimed at convincing pre-teens that Jesus is "Kool." Director Smith badly misjudges the youth market, trying to replicate the success of the highly-popular Rockin' Schoolhouse cartoons. Mr. Smith, leave the God-speak to the professionals, please!

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

The Eddie Duchin Story (1956)

	Starring: Tyrone Power, Kim Novak Directed by: George Sidney Chaplin Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other
Review Hard-edged bio about the first one-armed outfielder to make the major leagues can still milk the weeper ducts like a farmer's man-handed daughter as Tyrone Power (The Power and the Glory) battles bigots and chin music with one hand, literally, tied behind his back. Highly recommended.

Give Me an "O"

The Story of O (1975)

Starring: Corinne Clery Directed by: Just Jaecklin Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review A woman follows her lover to a secluded sanctuary where he lords it over her like Donald Trump on rice. Strangely uncomfortable and occasionally exciting film redefined erotica for a generation of traveling salesmen, lonely psych majors and others in the raincoat crowd. Today it plays like an episode of Three's Company, but don't let that stop you and your partner from exploring the works of the infamous "Marquis de Sade" who brought down an empire with only a whip, a glove and a chicken feather.

Bringing Down D House

House Of D (2004)

Starring: David Duanchovny, Robin Williams Directed by: David Duanchovny Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The Rain in Spain may fall mainly on the Plain, but don't bother to tell that to David Duanchovny. Dunachovny (House of Blue Leaves), who also wrote and directed this small masterpiece, plays a man who cannot forget that his father (spastic blowhard Robin Williams) was a retarded janitor. His yearning for the simple life led by his happy-go-lucky pater leads him down an unforgettable path that ends only when he climbs the Eiffel Tower and finds that for a man to be an artist he first has to face the fact that he is a man first. Kudos to Duanchovy for being brave enough to ask his friends to appear in his film. Enjoy!

The "Closer" I Get To You

Closer (2004)

Starring: Judas Law, Slim Pickens Directed by: David Mamet Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Baseball experts use the term "closer" to describe a pitcher who "finishes" off the opponent in the late innings. But fans of David Mamet and those of us who have been cheated out of thousands of dollars of "fees" will recognize the "closer" as the sales agent who gets one to sign on the dotted line. Mamet's bittersweet chamber opera of unrequited love presents for our delectation vicious salesmen vying for the affections of rail-thin stunner Natalie Portman (Star Wars Generations) by trying to summit the dingy office's "leader board." Mamet seems to be saying that only by cheating "suckers" of their hard-earned cookie-jar treasure can these ur-men find the courage to approach gorgeous women. Who knows? It may be true! But is it art? I'll leave that for you to ponder your wee hours of cold, lonely reflection.

Hospitality, Southern Style

Deliverance (1972)

	Starring: Burt Reynolds, John Goodman Directed by: John Boorham Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Four friends explore the concept southern hospitality in full flower as they meander up a lazy river. Director Boorham has a good feel for the southern man, and what makes him happy. Not recommended for children or pregnant women.

Birdbrain

The Birdman of Alcatraz (1962)

Starring: Burt Lancaster, Karl Malden Directed by: John Frankenheimer Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Obviously the writer and director have never actually been to Alcatraz island. It's absolutely miserable - cold and windy. It's known among San Franciscans in the know as The "Rock." I'd also point out, contrary to popular opinion, that birds are filthy, filthy creatures. Have you ever actually seen a parrot's tongue? It's disgusting! Burt Lancaster is very good, though. And Karl Malden is very clever as a dick with a heart. Ornithologists may find something of interest here, but the rest of us will return to manning our backyards with our bb guns at the ready.

Just Like It Sounds

Palindromes (2005)

Starring: Ellen Barkus, Jennifer Jason Leigh Directed by: Todd Solondz Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review A palindrome is a word that sounds just like it is spelled (just like solondz. Get it?) and the conceit here is that the soundtrack sounds the same backwards and forwards. What's the point? Mr. Solondz, who made his name directing naked froogettes gyrating in cages for Motley Sister videos, doesn't seem to realize that DVDs (and movies for that matter) don't spin on platters. Sorry Mr. S, I don't have fancy "diggety-digital" sound equipment with which to listen to your expensive experiment in sensory perception. The time will come when Hollywood's chunk-monkey navel-gazing technocrats like the smugly righteous Mr. Solondz will be called before Gabriel to present their credentials. I'd like to see the look on the archangel's face when he's presented with this petrified mule gumdrop.

Where's That Wascally Wabbit?

Donnie Darko (2001)

Starring: Jake Glyllenhallynhall, Osborne Holmes Directed by: Sir Richard Kelly Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Wha' Happen'? Sir Richard Kelly's classic tale of an evil rabbit and the terrible consequences for all who pet it has been neutered worse than an english comedy! Gone are most of the essential swear words and inexplicable plot points. In their place we have... Jake Glyllenhallynhall? I smell an attempt to cash in on the recent Spiderman phenomenon, and I've already let the Academy know my feelings about this. If you feel the same, then give them both barrels too!!!

Be Afraid. Be Sort of Afraid.

The Village (2004)

Starring: William Hurt, L. Ron Howard Directed by: M. Night Shamalang Rating: PG-13 Genre: Horror Other

Review M. Night Shamalang is at it again, weaving an intricate tale of suspense that attempts to leave the viewer in a state of suspense. But this time Dr. Sham has overextended himself, adapting playwright Arthur H. Miller's (Marily Monroe) classic witchhunt drama The Huxtable into a strange xenophobic parable about "creatures" who live in the "woods." L. Ron Howard (daughter of Ron Howard (Andy Griffith's Mayberry)) is very good in her film debut as a girl who gets blood splashed on her, but all but the terminally attention-challenged will have figured out that the animals are really (spoiler alert!) disgruntled (and rather poorly costumed!) tradespeople long before the third act is even a glint in the author's eye. Even so, Shamalang has a way with capes, and that can't be all bad.

Sawed Off Sh*tgun

Saw (2004)

Starring: Cary Ewe, Monica Potter Directed by: James Wan Rating: R Genre: Horror Other

Review Apparently young directors don't watch the masters anymore. Mr. "Wan" (if that's your real name), please go out and get yourself a copy of "The Ghost and Mr Chicken" and study it very carefully. Though ostensibly a children's entertainment, it's just possible that you might learn from it how to construct a piece of shivery/tingly horror. In the meantime the rest of us should avoid gaping at this grisly dogbone about two men who must saw themselves in half to escape the clutches of a mustachioed lunatic. Mr. Wan, if they sawed (sew?) themselves in half, THEY WOULD BE DEAD!!! Then what do they care what the lunatic does to them?!! Sometimes you want to reach through the screen and wring the director's scrawny neck!

English Film For English People

Vera Drake (2004)

Starring: Imelda Staunton Directed by: Mike Leigh Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Imelda Staunton (Happy Days) plays an old lady with a mole, and an interest in public health. Warning: this is NOT the Vera Drake who played the lawyer on the old Perry Mason series! I must admit I only watched the first ten minutes as I fumbled with my remote, looking for the English audio track. But what I saw looked very much like pictures of English cities I have seen in old Beatles photos. It may be just up your alley, if you're a fan of the early Beatles.

More Sinning than Sinned Against

Sin City(2005)

Starring: Mickey O'Rourke, Clive Owen Directed by: Frank Miller Rating: MR Genre: Drama Other

Review There are a million stories in the big city, but thankfully director Frank Miller has chosen only three to tell in Sin City, a spin-off of the highly popular software game in which the player creates "Sins," then feeds them, showers them, leads them to the bathroom and cleans up their kitchens for them. One of the more popular features of the game is the "Add-On Pak" which allows the player to set his "Sin" in college, for instance, or amongst a group of hippies who form a roving amateur circus. Miller's movie appears to be just such an "Add-On," as his "Sins" wander around a strangely discolored, desolate cityscape, committing unspeakably violent acts of despair upon their equally disconsolate fellow citizens. Strange to say, I found it fascinating - a peek at what I expect our children will be playing ten years from now. Immersive 3-d environments in which characters are decapitated right before your eyes may signal the end of civilization for some, but I know it's not real (unless, of course, you know someone who has been decapitated. In that case, I apologize). I say, bring on the dancing girls!

Are You Really What You Eat?

SuperSizeMe (2004)

Starring: Morgan Spurlock Directed by: Morgan Spurlock Rating: PG-13 Genre: Mockumentary Other

Review First-time director Morgan Spurlock's SuperSizeMe harkens back to the crazy stunts of the roaring Twenties, when grown men would sit on poles for a month, couples danced for a week straight and presidents fathered children out of wedlock. Spurlock's gag is to eat fatburgers for thirty days and then have a massive heart attack. You'll notice one big difference - Spurlock's "stunt" requires no SKILL! I, personally, have eaten lunch at Wendy's every day for the last five or so years and can state categorically that, other than an occasional twinge in my arm and some shortness of breath, I'm none the worse for wear. To be honest, I couldn't help wondering if this wasn't some elaborate blackmail scheme to which the MacDonald's corporation refused to bow. I have no evidence to prove this, but Mr. Spurlock carries the the saggy jowls of a man disappointed in an expected payday. And you'll notice that he never once mentioned their charitable work on behalf of children with cancer. Perhaps he just doesn't care. I say "Rock on, Ronald MacDonald!"

The Lion KILLS Tonight!

The Ghost And the Darkness (1996)

Starring: Michael Douglas, Tom Whiskerson Directed by: Steven Hopekins Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Imagine a land in which lions roam around freely, picking off the lame and halt. Then they turned on the healthy and white! Steven Hopekins brings us so close and personal you can almost smell the aftershave of the monster's last lunch partner. Val Kilmer plays a strange, shamanistic "imagineer" seeking a new way of life. And boy does he find it! Michael Douglas, in something of a departure, plays his love interest as a haggard, disease-ridden old man with nothing left to live for but to bag the Last Lion of The Serengeti. I won't spoil it for you, but I'll leave you with this: it's all true! Enjoy!

Elektra-ic!

Elektra (2005)

Starring: Carmen Elecktra Directed by: Rob Bowman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Hot-bod super-moron Carmen Elektra isn't even fifty yet and some Hollywood cynic felt the need to paint her life on the big screen...? Just kidding. But my April Fool's joke aside, Elektra's life has been fairly fascinating, from her genre-shifting appearances on German recording star (and former carnival roustabout) David Hasselhoffhorst's BayWatch to her tempestuous marriage to bejeweled whackjob Dr. Dennis Rodman. In a sense, as director Bowman seems to be hinting, Carmen's life has been a microcosm of the last fifteen years of American culture. Here's hoping he follows it up each five years like the fascinating british documentary 7-Up (14-Up, 21-Up, 28-Up, 35-Up, 42-Up, 49-Up, 56-Up, 63-Up, etc). Just maybe by watching Ms. Elektra slowly deteriorate, we'll get a little peek into what awaits us all.