Through the Smooching Glass

The Mirror Has Two Phases (1996)

Starring: Barabra Streisand, Dennis Quaid Directed by: Lauren Bacall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romance Other: Frank Sensuality

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review When twilight time is nigh and the kiddies have drifted off to slumberland, that's the time I like to call "Barabra Time" because rarely has La Dama De Las Camelias let me down. And "The Mirror Has Two Phases" delivers like bacon-breath at a hoedown. First-time director Lauren Bacall ("To Have or Not To Have") wisely just gets out of the camera's way and lets the chemicals spurt forth in all their spouty grandeur. Lucky Dennis Quaid ("Oh Brother!", "Capricorn and Hotpants") must have gone through a Costco-sized case of lip balm to get through this shoot as he proves time and time again to Barabra's "Rose" Morgan, a prissy schoolmarm with a marmot for a heart and legs like Abe Lincoln ("just tall enough for my pants to stay on"). By the time Quaid figures out that "Rose" isn't a man, it's too late. He's already in love! Featuring Oscar-winning song "Sleeping With My Mirror 'Cause It Looks Like Me", the flick is guaranteed to to have both of you waking up inside a single nightshirt. I guarantee it!

From The Vault - Lilac Time

PurpleReign (1984)

Starring: The Prince, The Prince Directed by: Alberto Magnolia Rating: R Genre: Musical Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review The One-Formerly-Known-As-Some-Kind-Of-Weird-Symbol-Like-Thing burst upon the scene like a purple dandelion spraying its allergy-inducing achenes machine-gun fashion into the eye-and-earholes of a stunned generation. But just as the milky-white liquid that flows from the crushed stems of this leafless flower are bitter, so was the youth of our foppish maestro. The Prince was clearly raised to blow the roof off the sucka, but like all great artists of his age (e.g. George Clinton, Stephen Hawking) he had to bleed so that others could live off of his blood while he could only suffer the little children. We know all of that, so what does "PurpleReign" bring to the party? Gigantic Amazon Dumbell Appollonia, for one. She strides across the screen like a collossus, The Prince hanging from her hip like some withered siamese twin. Not since The Stingk ("Before Guitar Hero: The John Dowland Story") managed to mangle his only three words in "Dune" has an actor so confused the trochaic and anapestic meters. Ever the contrarian, Prince introduced an entire generation to Morris Day and Jerome's diaper dance - for what were we in those days if not petulant teenagers unready to leave the dance floor even when nature's call was announced via  bullhorn? And thus was revealed the secret of "Hammer Time"! Obviously I was enthralled by this movie. Watching it again via XBox360/Netflix's wonderful "Party" mode with my significant other, we felt as though our tongues were meeting across 5000 miles of the internet's magical tubes. The Prince has a way of making us all feel as though we were little, little people climbing on top of sexier, bigger people and those bigger people are not complaining because we are so talented, rich and famous. If only James Brown had been twice as crazy and half as small, there might not have been a need for the Velour Viking. Thank god he never was!

Gangstalicious?

The Boondocks Saints 2 (2009)

Starring: Sean Patrick Bean, Julie Benz Directed by: Richard Kelly Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Is Richard Kelly ("Through A Darko, Darkly", "Spaz") a daring genius a la Byron Keats, or just another dud sparkler, fizzing furiously apropos nothing? His bizarre take on popular African-American comic strip "Boondocks" is nothing if not audacious. Sean Patrick Bean ("The Lords and Their Rings", "Sharpe's Rifles")  and Julie Benz (nothing) appear to come from an entirely different strip - a kind of "Family Circus" in which Billy has grown into a foul-mouthed, racist, homophobic nihilist with rotten teeth and the bad breath that follows rotten teeth as the night follows the day. And just as the "Circus" often mapped out Billy's jaunts through the neighborhood, Kelly maps out a violent "pelegrin" across the shattered corpse-strewn landscape of mindless egotism (as an aside - what, for god's sake, did little fuzzy bunnies ever do to this man and why did he not seek therapy?). I am at a loss as to why "Boondocks" cartoonist Aaron Sorkin chose Kelly, this cast or this story to introduce his comic vision to the big screen. That is his choice, of course. But one can't help but smell the acrid stench of big money wafting through frame after frame.

Red In Tooth And Claw

Saw Six (2009)

Starring: Mandy Patinkin, Annabella Lwin Directed by: Fat Tuna Rating: R Genre: Sexual Horror Other

Review Tight, right and out of sight extension of the famous brand stars Mandy Patinkin ("Sundays In The Park with Curious George") as the caped crusader. If night time is the right time, then set your watch. I don't expect this one to be around for long. For those who left "Saw Five" humming the scenery, it'll be a gas. All others should wile away the eventide in ways not associated with Mr. Tuna's particular brand of mayhem.

The Law Abides

Law-Abiding Citizen (2009)

Starring: Jock McGregor, James E. Fox Directed by: F. Murray Abraham Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review About as appealing as being served a communion wafer topped by mole turds by Mickey Rourke in a kilt. Former actor F. Murray Abraham's ("Salieri!", "Avast!: The Charles Nelson Reilly Story") remake of Charles Bronson's ("Chucho's Raiders", "Leave Them No Heads To Bury") "Death Wishes" seems to want it both ways, neither of them good. Haggis-ridden Scotch dunderhead Jock McGregor (so good in Broadway's musical adaptation of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin") looks like he's had his eyebrows permanently tattooed into a scowling 'V' of shame, anger and retribution. But that's not quite enough to be called acting, and here the Hibernian Hulk seems to be mailing it on on a day when the trains aren't running. James E. Fox ("Drell: The Archie Bell Story") gives an odd but solid performance as  the district attorney who must return prematurely from a yodeling competition in the Alps to bring McGregor to justice. While the Swiss subplot just didn't work for me, I admit I was on Amazon moments after returning home in search of the soundtrack. What Abraham, who's searing intelligence has scorched his tragic face into our collective unconscious, thought he was doing staggering around the revenge flick wasteland is beyond me. And I've written to his blog to let him know that I expect much more from the Sexy Beast. That is all.

The Flutterby Effect

Butterflies Want To Be Free (1972)

Starring: Golda Hawn, Eddie Albert, Bea Arthur Directed by: Milton Friedman Rating: PG Genre: Drama Other: Otherly-Abledness

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Offensive creation of minds unsuited to the filmic art. Director/Accountant Friedman ("CitiCorp!", "Let Them Eat Cake: The Ayn Rand Story" ) pits not one, but two psychopathic killers against an incredibly toned Eddie Albert ("How Green Are My Acres", "Willie Wonka 2: The Shrivening"). Cave-mouthed female impersonator Bea Arthur ("I'm Gonna Singa Your Song Whether You Like It Or Not", "Antigone") plays Albert's mother, a harridan and shrew and something a bit more (hint: never approach her from behind when she's in her rocking chair). Golda Hawn ("Gandhi In Love" [TV Movie], "Sugar Hill Express") is Albert's whacky neighbor with a taste for scissors and kicky t-shirts. Rather than tip off the shocking reveal (Albert is blind), I'd like to take a moment to comment on the movie industry's habit of burying the lede. Why the trite and hackneyed plot of mother and girlfriend vying with each other to kill the son/boyfriend? Hey Hollywouldnt, why doesn't the blind guy KILL his mother/girlfriend? Because he's otherly-abled by his visual-differentness? For the business that made "Fear Strikes Out" (in which a mentally troubled baseball player is hounded out of baseball for making everyone kind of uncomfortable and, like a little tiny clipper ship, goes straight into a bottle), it wouldn't seem a stretch to turn a sightless feller into a razor-wielding son of vengeance. But, hey, you're the professionals. Just a thought. With all of that said, Hawn and Albert do have something going on, and when they repeat the barber sketch from Monty Python the frisson between the two is palpable. It certainly made my palms sweat! If one or both of you is slightly under the weather and would feel a bit more comfortable having easy access to your own restroom, then don't let my Tinseltown tongue-lashing make you hesitate. That's just insider stuff between me and the biz.  By all means, couch-itate yourselves and let nature take its course.

Scrambled Eggs Blooper

Where Are The Wild Things Are (2009)

Starring: Tom Hank, Katherine O'Keener Directed by: Spike Leez Rating: PG Genre: Children Other

Review Defenseless dead writer Doctor Seuss' crypt is defiled once again, this time by Nike director Spike Leez ("Happy Daze", "Being Hammad Karzai") who fails the master's litmus test in spectacular fashion. Actor-Most-Likely-To-Buy-Gum-From-The-Bottom-of-Jimmy-Stewart's-Shoe-On-Ebay Tom Hank ("Splashed", "They Were Interdependable") stars as a small child forced to confront a giant plate of talking scrambled eggs (Katherine O'Keener ["The Forty Year Old Midget", "Undies"]) who make fun of him until he cries. This apparently teaches him that it's okay to eat any food that makes you feel bad.  Whatever, Mr. Leez. I must confess that by the end I was moved to tears when a tree stump explains to Hank that it's okay to hate your parents as long as you don't kill them until they are really old. But in the era of Lord Ronald Howard's "Grench" that's not quite enough. A well-intentioned try, but questionably worthy of your hard-earned sawbucks.

From The Vault - Skull Candy

From the Vault - Aplocalypse Now (1979)

Starring: Michael Sheen, Orson Wellies Directed by: George Lucas Rating: R Genre: Action Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Just as today's kids are often overheard speaking in bewilderment that Sir Paul McCartney ("Let It Bleed") was in a band before "The Paul McCartney Band" ("Who Is That Who Is Knocking on My Door?"), my own nephews were baffled to hear that George Lucas ("Melvin and Howard the Duck" "Star Wars", "After Star Wars")  produced a masterpiece before "Ameican Hot Wax". Mercurial Michael Sheen ("Corked", "Werewolf Priest", "Nixon And the Man") stars as a dumb, drunk irishman conned by the Ford Administration into traveling "in country" to find and bring back former Nixon spokesman Ronald Ziegler. Ziegler, played by Orson Wellies in a gorilla suit, has been driven mad because in the jungle there is only one flavor of ice cream ("vanilla is not a flavor" he whispers over and over as he rubs salt into the seemingly endless folds of his bald head) Wellies has become something of a god to the local people after he dispatched a huge white ape with nothing more than a hand grenade and some army-issue space sticks. Lucas, who apparently composed the script each night before shooting by assembling three hundred separate Boggle game sets, abandoned the first crew in the mounains of Macchu Picchu (rumors are that the original David Bowie was eaten by army ants, but his skeleton was saved and reconstructed with the carefully preserved skin of British ganglion Gary Glitter before the bond company stepped in). Only when 20th Century Fox exec David Ladd ("The Blue Dahlia") threatened to declare Wellies' immoveable corpse a tax-free independent state did Lucas buckle down and finish the film on a backlot on Culver City. The result is mind-blowing. From mad Franco-cowboy Roberto Bolano-Duval stripped to the waste running an encounter group for ex-surfers ("I smell the morning. It smells like morning") to unjustly-forgotten Frederick Forrester's ("Finding Forrester") hippy gemologist this movie is a runaway train seemingly going from no-here to nowhere. But when a drunken Sheen gets caught in a shootout in a funhouse hall of mirrors, the thing starts to approach the high catholic eeries of the great renaissance master eagles.  I cannot recommend it enough. Note: push the kiddies a little deeper down in their footed nighties - not only are Wellies' jumblies occasionally visible beneath his massive overhang but by slowing the video down frame by frame one can just make out a few sets of Filipino male nipples.

A La Recherche du Temps Perdu

Stepfather (2009)

Starring: Rachel Ward, M. Emmet Walsh Directed by: Nelson Munz Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review When I was a small child, my mother decided to date a neighbor who was known by the terrified local children as "Kretchmer Gloom." We kids were so intimidated by this tall, dank, pale figure with his tendril-like fingers, hawk nose and wrists like twin hams that we once tried to garrot him as he left his driveway on his red Honda 90.  Oddly, it turned out that he was in fact wanted for a series of unexplained ritual animal killings in the Santa Cruz mountains, so my father had the last laugh (in fact it was the last time I ever remember him laughing. Shortly after our gang's unfortunate semi-beheading he was made vice-president of an insurance firm). All of this came back to me while I watched "The Stepfather," a solid remake of the seventies Harold Pinter ("Unuterrable" ) classic "The Go-Between." Not reallly much more to say about this one, except that sometimes sitting in the dark watching the flickering light show impale itself upon the eyes twenty-five times a second (the infamous "persistence of version") one gets that tangible physico-emotional experience described by Zola as he nibbled his little chocolate cookie. Life crumbles away a cut at a time.

Dumbie Jamboree

Couples, Retreat (2009)

Starring: Vincent Schiavelli, Steve Landesberg Directed by: Peter Bergomon Rating: R Genre: Foreign Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review First-time director Bergomon boldly goes where only Master Woodrow Allen has dared to tread with a remake of Der Bingle's "Scenes From A Bad, Bad Marriage". Vincent Schiavelli ("Amadeus", "One Flew Over Cuckoo's Nest") and Steve Landesberg ("Trog") play two middle-aged men married to much younger women who are confronted with the travesty of their situation when, after a shared plate of bad scallops, they suddenly see themselves through the women's eyes. Painful, painful stuff presented without a flicker of sympathy as the two fat, fishbelly-white slugs are dissected like the dude in Mr. Tulp's Anatomy class. The experience was like waking up one day to find that everyone in the world is looking at you the way your mother-in-law does. I confess at times I had to turn away just to get my composure again, and by the end I was weeping like a trout. I don't know whether to thank Bergomon or curse him, but I'll never forget it. Take a divorce lawyer along with your loved one. It'll be like catnip.

Shadows and Foag

Paramoral Activity (2009)

Starring: Micah Stoat, Katie Featherstote Directed by: Oren Utah Rating: R Genre: Horrific Other

Review Imagine a world where your children live inside your television set, and old people refuse to come out of the shadows and die. In a first, director Oren Utah ("Bedbugs") shot this thriller on his iphone and immediately distributed it to theaters via MMS (thank you, finally, Mr. Att!). Painstakingly researched, the film presents Micah Stoat ("Crackers in the Bed") and Katie Featherstote ("Trial by Murder 2: Jive Torture") as a couple who move into a house only to discover that their children moved in before they (the children) have even been born and plan on giving birth to their parents on a live television show. Meanwhile, old people run around naked, hoping to appear on a video that the couple are shooting to present to their as-yet-unborn children. No, it doesn't make any sense to me either, but Utah's crappy cinematography and cheap, bizarre lighting capture more of what we fear about the ones we love than any number of "crazy" clowns ever could. It's not great. In fact it stinks. But so do loneliness and the fear of dying alone and forgotten. Check it out!

Class Act

La Classe (The School Class) 2009

Starring: Vincent Bougereau Directed by: Le Flic Rating: R Genre: Foreign Other

Review Searing indictment of the French educational system in which teachers are left to the tender mercies of mad children wielding machetes (a kind of French blade used to make foie gras). When Bougereau ("Voltaire: Le Loup-Garou Philosophique", "Les Retards") tries to install a modicum of discipline, the leftist government decides he's a fascist and exiles him to Devil's Island. Fancy-pants "imagist" director Le Flic ("The Absence of the Dream Mechanism", "Le Petomane: Le Fartiste Contre Societe") then turns the film into an odd sort of action flick as Bougereau escapes on the back of a giant butterfly with the help of a pair of twins who together make up a single human body. In the end (Spoiler Alert!) he returns to the school armed with a machine gun which shoots pornography. The movie's final image is of a flock of naked civil servants engaged in courtly dance while the composer Lully (ably played by ubiquitous gelatinous man-mountain Gerarde de Depardeiux) pounds a stick on a map of Algeria. Le Flic is certainly an oddball and quite possibly a flim-flamiste of the first order but I think he's onto something here. The french for too long have focused their attention on their bellies to the detriment of their school books. Americans should take a lesson here. For that alone this film should be shown in every schoolhouse in the country, perhaps sponsored by some governmental organization that could reimburse the french with some sort of scrip. Check it out!

Summer Ends With Pants on Fire

The Inventions Of Lying (2009)

Starring: Ricky Gervils Directed by: Ricky Gervils Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Romance Other

Review As the summer film season winds down, the concepts seem to wind up higher and higher. Beaver-cheeked British lambchop Ricky Gervils ("The Office: Great Britain", "Heroes") takes a break from ripping off American sitcoms just long enough claim that British people invented the art of lying. If I strain I think can hear Doctor Johnson struggling to roll his corpulent, tic-ridden bulk in a 360 degree arc within whatever tomb he currently happens to reside (just to set the record straight, the Greeks invented lying, but didn't realize it until Jesus came along and made it a sin). Lollipop-long Jennifer Garniston (nothing of consequence) plays Gervil's foil, a woman so trusting and beautiful that she produces her own natural insecticide. I don't hold Gervils personally responsible for this particular mediocrity - he does not yet know the ways of the Hollywood fatcats. But here's a bit of advice "Ricky" - when a man with a "Crackberry" and a Starbucks cup approaches you with a script be sure that his Rolex is genuine andthat mica-black Mercedes convertible was purchased outright. And stop watching American television! (Here's a suggestion. When you return to the mother country how about a "Fowelty Towers" remake that takes place in Wales? The town names alone should get you through the first season!)

Where Are the Rabbits, George?

Blue Velvet (1986)

Starring: Kylie McGlauglin, Dame Isabelle Bergman Directed by: David D. Lynch Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review After scrolling through the pink section for a Friday night love treat, I chanced upon an advertisement for some sort of blue vodka. While not a particularly heavy drinker, I was reminded of the particularly potent pleasures of David D. Lynch's ("Duned!", "Inland Umpire") early romantic masterpiece. Noir-pated Seattle-based zombie Kylie McGlauglin plays a man so in love with a woman that he's willing to nibble bad boy General Dean Stockwell's ("The Boy with the Green Hair", "Duned!") hypertrophied eyebrows. Dame Isabelle Bergman plays his love interest as though she were the last drunk on the last barstool at the end of the Universe. Lynch is letting us know that as strange as love can get, in the end everything will work out. And who doesn't want to believe that at the cusp of a Friday evening with the empty weekend stretching out before him like a Dali desertscape? Check it out with the one you love, or with a large colored drink that will, with time and effort, materialize the one you love in a wispy haze that only cinematic magic and brain chemistry can provide!

Nuns With the Runs

St Trinians Abbey (2009)

Starring: Rupert Firth, Vanessa Redgrave Directed by: Terrence Rattigan Rating: X Genre: Adult Other

Review When Abbess Vanessa Redgrave ("Two Mules for Yasir", "Julia on Spirits") introduces the nuns to twisted joys of absinthe the nunnery dissolves into an extended orgy of madness, raising the question "What did God Mean?" Excuse me, Pele died for this? Filthy nonsense supposedly from an original idea by Orson Wellies that was probably meant to capsize the entire British film industry. Rattigan ("Lisztorama") should be ashamed and Firth and Redgrave should have known better. Go down your local rental agency and surreptitiously pour Drano on all the copies you can find.

Burning Briefs

A Burning Pain (2009)

Starring: Charlize Thorzine Directed by: Sergio Aragones Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review First-time director Aragones embroiders the edges of the screen with little tales of more-than-ordinary dreariness crescendoing in a curlicued spasm of despair. Anyone who has ever wept into a significant other's sock monkey after a particularly profound sexual experience should be able to relate to actress Thorzine("Monstro: Legend of Suwanee Creek", "The Ugly Miner's Ugly Daughter")'s restaurant manager character as she rides the two-backed luge to hell. I've certainly criticized other directors for the multi-storyline approach to the filmic art, but Aragones has a way of making you feel that the links have absolutely no relationship to one another. It's a bit like watching a Twilight Zone episode in which the bartender not only doesn't have a third eye under his cap, but the cabby nursing his coffee three seats down isn't a rival alien planning to kill him. I found it refreshing, even when I nodded off briefly. I look forward to more doodles from this incipient master. Bring on the dancing girls!

Mo' Money

Capitalismo (2009)

Starring: Michael More, Michael More Directed by: Michael More Rating: PG-13 Genre: Documentary Other

Review Faithful readers will know of my difficulties with Mr. Michael More. More and I have tangled on a number of occasions (again, I apologize to the staff and patrons of the Cincinnati Red Roof Inn), but we've always managed to bring the rage back down to a low simmer. But with "Capitalismo" More has crossed the invisible line that separates filmmaking from not-film-making. Capitalismo purports to be a critique of greed in the financial system. Instead, More ("Psycho", "Ford Frick and Me") proves only that when the taters get hot, he'll hog all the oven mitts. More himself has admitted that he himself has multiple bank accounts, AND USES THEM! Here's the dealio, Mr. More - America is big enough to swallow your criticism and open its throat for more. While I am no apologist for the world banking system, I also know that when my AMC Gremlin finally succumbed to the demon rust, a certain member of this "evil cabal" (Ms. Sonia Perez-Washington) worked her magic to get me in a Kia Rio with almost no paperwork at all! If someone with my credit rating can get a brand new car, then something smells right in the state of Denmark. It seems I've strayed a long way from the world of cinema, but I think that makes my point more eloquently than some number tomatoes or stars could ever do. Mr. More has given up the world of film, that beautiful monster that makes little girls laugh and big bad men sob like little girls. And what is worse - he's traded it for a handful of dark bitter beans. We shall meet again, oh Dark Prince. And when we do, I shall come with loins girded with the delighted shrieks and terrified groans of a thousand generations of filmgoers. You shall wield only a small puddle of curd.

Huffing and Puffing

Whippets (2009)

Starring: Elaine Paige Directed by: Lady Drew Barrymore Rating: R Genre: Drama Other: Sports

Review This important film by Lady Drew Barrymore (!) draws back the shades from the dark side of dentistry. Elaine Paige ("I'm Drunk, I'm Loud  And I'm Snoring On Your Shoulder: A One Woman Show", "Expectorants In Love") comes out of retirement to play a young(!) woman whose addiction to dairy topping propellants leads her into the dangerous and smelly world of female roller skating. Barrymore ("Screams", "Boozle and the Kid", "Rabinnical School Daze" ) has taken on the powerful ADA and I, for one, am thankful. I think you will be too.

Friday Night Special - The Heights Of Ecstasy!

Vertico (1958)

Starring: Jimmie Stewart, Hope Lange Directed by: Sir Alfred Hitchcock Rating: R Genre: Romance Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Ply those who knew The Master with a few potent potions and they just might spill the beans about the so-called Suspense-meister - and those beans just might surprise you. Hitch was a well-known romantic who often locked his wife Alma up in the highest turret of their Scotts Valley mansion for weeks at a time, reading to her from the works of erotic magus "Rumi" while Ravel's "Caballero" droned endlessly through the forest. Legend is that even the snails tasted sweeter when Hitch had an extended romantic stay at "Le Chateau." Exhibit #1 for those gimlet-eyed skeptics is his fevered ode to l'esprit d'escalier - "Vertico." Vertico, as the medicos among you may know, is a disease of the mind that causes normally sane people to vomit when climbing anything taller than a matchbox. Jimmie Stewart ("The Philadephia Experiment", "Destry Rides A Donkey") plays "Heathcliff", a former cop who accidentally killed an entire circus while investigating the nefarious  activities of a tiny, mustachioed highwire artist. Retired and living in shame, he meets a woman (Hope Lange - "That Touch of Hare")  who reminds him of a woman who tried to kill him in a previous life when he was a Spanish Grandee living on the Barbary Coast of San Francisco. The plot's nonsense, of course. There never was a Barbary Coast of San Francisco (The real Barbary Coast is an island off of the island of Tripoli, populated exclusively by apes - maybe Hitch was thinking of Santa Barbara?) But the love story between Stewart and Lange is the real thing - their chemistry burns a hole right through the cellulose and into your heart. By the climax, when Stewart throws Lange from Coit Tower into the San Francisco bay because she reminds him of the countess who mocked his love poems ("There was once a Countess from Cork...") only to realize she was NOT the Countess but a modern woman who needs love like any modern woman who needs love, you can't help but melt for this bag of juddering, throbbing pain. Who hasn't wanted to throw a woman (or even a child?) from the top of Coit Tower only to realize it was only one of the squares of pink popcorn that always seem stale and whose kernel shells manage to work their way between your gums and teeth only to realize it's really a dream and your innamorata is four thousand miles away sharing a double-zip Mountain Hardware down bag  that was a special birthday present with a part-time tour guide name Nigel who claims to make his own cider? Of course it may mean something different to you, which is the beauty of the movies. Regardless, I COMMAND YOU to rent this gem, curl up with the bepelted pet of your choice, some Nyquil and Limoncello on the rocks and make a night of it. You will not be disappointed. I "guarantee" it!

City of Ludd

Paris! (2009)

Starring: Gerard Depardieud, Audrey Tattoo Directed by: Cedric Kapstick Rating: R Genre: Foreign Other

Review in this worst of all worlds, Megatherian French blowhard Gerard Depardieud ("Asterix Reinflated", "Two Goats and A Baby") stars in a series of "moral tales" about giant frenchmen driving around the cigarette capital of the word in a tiny, tiny car. Forgive my ignorance, but didn't Mr. Bill Daniels ("Blue Lagoon")  do a little thing in the seventies called "St. Elsewhere" which followed the activities of a motley group of fools through their daily lives? Pardon me, Mr. Kapstick, but just because they're speaking "La Francaise" does not give you carte blanche. It may be called "un homage" where you come from, but better men than you have been hung on barbed wire for much less here in the U.S. of A. That said, Audrey Tattoo is a revelation as a waifish cop with a smile, a lisp and a knife up the boot. Look for more from this fresh-faced vixen!