Depravity, Thy Name is Gigli!

Gigli(1958)

Starring: Audrey Hepburn, Marcel Marceau Directed by: Steven Sondheim Rating: G Genre: Musical Other

Review "Gigli, you with the stars in your eyes..." Well, something must have been in her eyes for Audrey Hepburn to allow herself to be sold off to ancient wanker Marcel Marceau by monstrous grandmother Angela Lansbury (Miss Piggy's Grand Aventure). Only Sondheim, that dark atonal weasal of misery could have concocted a story so sordid that it made the angels along 41st Street weep. Gorgeously cinematographed on a backlot Paris-that-never-was, this bright, shiny booger manages to offend all but the most permissive with its constant smirks and chuckles at the misery of women forced by their grandparents' penury to bed disgusting truffle-hogs like Mr. Marceau. Shame apparently is a word unknown in the depraved underground lairs of sophisticated New York showpeople. But, as a citizen of Ohio, I'll take none of it. And neither, I think, will you. Shame!

Put A Cork In It. It's Done!

Sideways (2004)

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Meryl Streep Directed by: Margaret Cho Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review A paean to Sisyphus (the Roman God of Wine), Sideways takes the patient viewer on a journey of few steps but many miles. Fat, ugly wine connoisseur Giamatti (The Andy Kauffman Story) hits the road after vomiting on the last of his mother's treasury notes, hightailing it up to beautiful Napa/Sonoma. There he vomits on waitress Meryl Streep who, obviously nursing some serious issues of her own, finds herself strangely charmed by this hairy fruitbat. Can inebriated Cupid hit the target? I'll leave it to you to find out. Parental Note: You may have to forcefeed them stimulants, but I highly recommend having your kids watch this sobering lesson about the dangers of wine and song.

Dyno-NOT!

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Starring: Crispy Glover, Jon Gries Directed by: Jared Hess Rating: PG Genre: Comedy Other

Review Now is the winter of my discontent as I watch yet another mediocre seventies television show "adapted" for the big screen. Good Times starred the inimitable Esther Rolle (Good Times) as the mother of the loveable, mentally-challenged J.J. whose spastic enthusiasm for life managed to bubble through the tacky sets and creaky vaudeville scripts. From what bibulous nightmare Nike admeister Hess conjured the concept of weirdball Crispy Glover as J.J. is probably best left to his crack team of round-the-clock therapists. Let us pray that this misguided rat pellet disintegrates quickly and we are spared the sight of Christopher Walking donning the legendary guano-stained coat of the master-sleuth Columbo!

The Emperor of the Blown Mind!

Constantine (2005)

Starring: Keenu Reeves,Rachel Weisz Directed by: Francis Laurence Rating: Unrated Genre: Action Other

Review Mr. Keenu Reeves proves once again that he is the one Hollywood actor willing and able to BLOW YOUR MIND! Reeves is fantastic as Constantine, an oddly feckless man who, when he suddenly begins to channel the great former emperor of Constantinople, has powers beyond your imagination. When his friend's sister dies he goes to hell and engages in the best theological debate with Satan since the underrated Little Nicky. Often castigated as a nitwit with a brainpan the size of a triscuit, Reeves fights the good fight as Satan's worst nightmare! Fantastic special effects include a donkey stuck in a tornado and Reeves underpants spontaneously bursting into flames. Looking forward to Reeves always-thought-provoking commentary on the DVD!

Leggo Of My Ego

Olivier's Hamlet (1948)

	Starring: Laurence Oliver, Eileen Herlie Directed by: Laurence Oliver Rating: Unrated Genre: Drama Other
Review Oliver's Hamlet? Pardon me, I thought it was Mr. Shakespeare's Hamlet! If you can manage your way past the man's all devouring ego you'll find Oliver delivers the goods as the naughty Dane with a horrible secret and a heart of gold. Alas, poor York, it's not recommended for children.

Hello Monday, Where Have You Been?

The Lost Weekend (1945)

	Starring: Jack Lemon, Jane Wyman Directed by: Billy Wilder Rating: Unrated Genre: Drama Other
Review Jack Lemon gets so drunk he can see through women's clothing? Eventually this "gift" drives him crazy and he gets a divorce. Interesting attempt to fuse sci-fi and social commentary doesn't always connect on all cylinders - but then Carl Yastremszki once led the American league in batting by hitting .301. Sometimes good enough is good enough!

All The President's Kooks

All the President's Men (1976)

Starring: Robert Deniro, Robert Redford Directed by: Alan J. Paluka Rating: PG Genre: Drama Other

Review We finish off our President's Week Celebration of Presidents in the Movies with this wildly preposterous tale of two hippies (one blonde, the other brunette) who happen to stumble upon the biggest political scandal since Warren Harding dumped tea in the Boston Harbor. While I've always enjoyed Deniro and Redford's work (see Butch Cassiday, for instance) I don't think denigrating the president's brilliant pingpong detente with China for entertainment value is going to play in Peoria. How did the hippies get access to the greatest men in government? Offer them some marijuana? Director Paluka rarely returned to the government scandal genre again. Now you know why.

You Are The Man!

The Man (1972)

Starring: James Earle Jones, Martin Balsam Directed by: Joseph Sargent Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Toad-voiced genius actor James Earle Jones (the voice of CNN) plays a cool former-cop-turned-senator who finds himself unexpectedly president in this taut thriller about the dangers that black people face when they take on positions of authority. President Jones tries to reason with a seemingly unending stream of hayseed bigots, white-power paranoiacs, southern cracker moonshine purveyors, liberal daughter-shielding hypocrites, good-cops-turned-bad, Harlem crack dealers looking for a break, doe-eyed coeds, hip single moms with attitude and poem-spouting subgenius oddball intellectuals on the prowl for stipends as he single-handedly stares down the Chinese over a nuclear missile installation in downtown Portugal. You may have missed this little gem the first time around, but dig deep and ye shall be rewarded. Enjoy!

Loopy Presidential Nightmare

Fail-Safe (1964)

Starring: Jack Lemon, Ernest Borgnine Directed by: Sidney Lumet Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Confusing cold-war drama that staggers from one strange idea to the next. President Jack Lemon accidentally pushes the Big Button, then desperately tries convince Russian President Ernest Borgnine (McHale's Navy) that it was HIS fault! There's some smirking juvenile nonsense about a general afraid of his own urine, a scientist with a skin disease, a cowboy who tries to mate with a nuclear device and a sexy secretary who dances the froog whenever the bombers pass another line of longitude. What to make of this? Is it sacriligeous to democracy? That's not for me to say, but I will say this: America is a country where even a British person can make fun of it. Can the United Kingdoms make that statement?

Dishonest Abe

Young Mr Lincoln (1939)

Starring: Jimmy Stewart, Donald Meek Directed by: John Ford Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review First off, Abe Lincoln was born in a log hut in KENTUCKY, not Illinois! Did the Chicago machine get to Mr. John Ford? If so, then why did Hollywood's "spin" doctors try to claim our second greatest president was a republican? Jimmy Stewart tries. Oh, he tries. But there's only so much he can do under fifteen pounds of wart makeup and a stovepipe hat that looks like it's about to spew acid rain over much of the Mississippi basin. Somebody needs to put on the dunce cap and stand in the corner with his back to the classroom.

Shrink Me, Daddy-O!

The President's Analyst (1967)

Starring: Dean Martin, Mercedes Cambridge Directed by: Theodore J. Flicker Rating: NR Genre: Comedy Other

Review Continuing our President's Week special edition, today we have a silly bit of fluff known as the President's Analyst. Drunken Crooner Dean Martin is Matt Helm, a suave smarmy dunderhead with delusions of Bondosity who is recruited by Mercedes Cambridge to pretend to be the Big Boss' cigar-chomping Freudian sound box. If it all sounds a little frivolous, we must remember that the sixties was not what most people would consider a "serious" decade (think of the dayglo colors and Dr. Seuss doing the sports on Laugh-In). Given the limitations of the era, I found it generally amusing and, at times, thought-provoking. Enjoy!

Out, Damn President!

Dave (1993)

Starring: Kevin Kline, Sigourney Weaver Directed by: Ivan Reitman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review In King Vidor's King's Row former President Ronald Reagan famously asked "Where are the rest of my legs?" And that's what I was wondering as I watched the multi-faceted Kevin Kline try to balance comedy and pathos as a fictional president of the United States outed by reporters. As we're looking at Presidential films this week, I thought I'd give this another glance. And what I saw left me, frankly, baffled.I wondered if the homosexual commmunity was as outraged as I that a movie like this even had to be made.

Scorcese's Last Dance?

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Starring: John Travolta, Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas Directed by: Martin Scorcese Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review To paraphrase Humphrey Bogart - Is this the end of Marty? Even kings eventually get their heads chopped off, so maybe it was time for the reign of Scorcese to come to an end. But what a dismal guillotine the maestro chose to decapitate himself with. Religious fruitcake John Travolta (Phenomenal) is fat, dumb and weird as a travelling salesman with a jumpy trigger finger and Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas comes off little better as his fey sidekick. I kept thinking that if only they had done the entire soundtrack with cool space alien singer Klaus Nomi, they might at least have been able to move this train wreck to a safe siding. But now that the movie has been "burned" onto DVD, we'll never know.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

Hedwig and the Angry Witch (2001)

Starring: John Cameron Swayzie, Charo Directed by: John Cameron Swayzie Rating: R Genre: Musical Other

Review Wristwatch pitchman John Cameron Swayzie's choice to remake Rebel Without a Cause as a musical was a bold one, and for that alone he is to be commended. I admit that I rented this thinking it was a direct-to-DVD spinoff about Harry Potter's loveable owl but after the first forty minutes I was hooked. Who knew Charo could act? Simply delightful entertainment that shows even trailer trash have a shot at the big time. Enjoy!

Hitch? I Think Not.

Hitch (2005)

	Starring: Will Smith, Eva Mendes Directed by: Andy Tennant Rating: NR Genre: Romance Other
Review I know it's Hollywood, but the film takes a few too many liberties with the shockmeister's life for me to recommend it.

Sour Grapes Make Strong Medicine

The Grapes of Wrath (1940)

Starring: Jimmy Stewart, Minnie Pearl Directed by: John Ford Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Orson Welles' lyrical tribute to the plight of dumb oakies nearly outlasted my attention span but I couldn't help but be moved as Jimmy Stewart, Buddy Ebsen, Walter Brennan and Minnie Pearl set out in their gimcrack jalopy for California and the orange plantation grandpa bought with his heart medicine money. Various family members are picked off along the way by coyotes, vultures and anti-social hill people but eventually the kinfolk make it to the promised land. The orange grove is a bust but (spoiler!) the snakebit nimrods find black gold (oil!) just a bubblin' out of the ground. Stewart is a bit of a pill, whining about President Roosevelt and the Marshall Plan. But, as usual, grandma saves the day with a funny story, a reluctant tear and a heart attack. Ebsen later sucked this picture to the marrow by replaying Festus in the long-running Beverly Hillbillys. Later remade as "The Hills Have Eyes."

Death Disappoints

Faces of Death IV (1990)

	Starring:   Directed by: Conan Le Cilaire Rating: NR Genre: Documentary Other
Review Disappointing addition to the series.

I Know Chuck Heston, and You're No Chuck Heston

The Passion of the Christ (2004)

Starring: Robert Deniro, Frida Kahlo Directed by: Martin Scorcese Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Yikes! Marty Scorcese's bloody tribute to the Greatest Man On Earth is a cross between Bulldog Durham and Taxi Drivers. If the Master's last day at the office was really this bad, then I hope they give validation in heaven. Did Heston do it better? Of course he did, but with that said, DeNiro is riveting as the King of Kings, who braved the wrath of his own people to save them from God's wrath so that we could all be guilty in the eyes of the Lord. Gorgeous Frida Kahlo plays Jesus' sister Mary Magdalene and, while she seems a might slutty to be related to the Man Who Walked On Water, I think I get the point. And I'm sure you will too, if you're willing to wade into this hellish abbatoir in the spirit with which it was intended you should. But keep the kids and nervous pets away from the screen or they're likely to have some unsettling questions for the Sunday school teacher. If you do watch, be sure to check out the DVD extras, including a well-considered documentary on why the Jews who run Hollywood should not be offended, and a rather odd short on the making of pita bread.

Non-Sense

The Sixth Sense (1999)

Starring: Bruce Wills, Halley Osmond Directed by: M. Night Shamalang Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Spooky nonsense about a lawyer who comes back from the dead to try to fix his wife up with (get this) another lawyer! Shamalang needs to go back to the drawing board and figure out what makes movies like "Topper" work (casting Cary Grant would be a good start. Bruce Wills looks like he just got off the deck after a nine count). The one bright spot is miniature thesbo Halley Osmond (Malcolm in the Middle). Just thinking that there are creepy little kids like him wandering around the Paramount backlot scares the bejeebers out of me.

Hitch Takes On English Bastard

Rebecca (1940)

Starring: Laurence Oliver, Olivia D'Havilland Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Hitch sat out the war trying his hand at this four-hanky mucous-inducer in which master thespian Lawrence Oliver locks the slight but gracious Olivia D'Havilland in her room for a couple of years to soften her up. But to what end? That's Hitchcock's famous "mcMugguffin" in this suspenseful but occasionally tedious trudge through ye olde England. Massive, rotting estates litter the countryside and Olivier screams in the rain while D'Havilland goes slowly mad. I must admit I didn't quite get it. Was D'Havilland the reincarnation of Olivier's first wife, back from the dead? Was Olivier the bastard son of the Duke of Marlboro? I'm not sure the maestro really got a handle on what England is about so I'll leave it up to you to tease some meaning from the shock ending. But, like the jelly with the nauseating name, if its Hitchcock who am I to question it?

Ray of Sunshine

Ray (2004)

	Starring: Jimmy Foxx, Kerry Washington Directed by: Taylor Hackford Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review Though I never found his "You can call me Ray" routine particularly funny, I've always admired Ray Charles for being blind. And this movie is no exception. Jimmy Foxx is spot-on as the heroin-addict-turned-American-hero in this high class disease of the week weeper. Enjoy!

Texas Hold 'em!

A Friday Night Lights (2004)

Starring: Keenu Reeves, Gene Hackman Directed by: Peter Berg Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Having grown up in Dublin, Ohio (home of Wendys!) I'm very well acquainted with Texas high school football and I must say this inspiring yarn tugged pretty good at the old ticker threads. Keenu Reeves (Shakespeare in Love) plays a washed-up high school quarterback who is tracked down to a shrimpboat trawler abandoned in a Wal-Mart parking lot by red-assed coach Gene Hackman and given one chance at redemption. I know I've seen it before, but if the formula grows hair, who am I to stay bald? An odd subplot involving a charity game with a team of misfits, spastics and renegades from a nearby penitentiary (led by a hideously disfigured Billy Joe Thornton) sends the flick a little off course, but when Reeves' plucky girlfriend (the scrumptious Oliva d'Abo) announces she's pregnant and Keenu realizes he's got only one chance to make it to the pros and out of town we know we're on to a good thing. Put down the bon bons, pick up the pom poms and Enjoy!

Crummy, Yet Tasty!

American Splendor (2003)

Starring: Andy Kauffman, Cameron Diaz Directed by: Jerry Springer Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The Late Great Andy Kauffman plays oddball cartoonist Robert Crum in this litte dirge-like tribute to the failure that lurks in all of us. Sensational Cameron Diaz has been uglified almost beyond recognition in order to play Kauffman's potential mate and their relationship unfolds in a troglodytic dance of misery. Director Jerry Springer (former mayor of Cleveland) manages to make the city look like Detroit, for gods sake! And yet. And yet I must say that the pleasure of seeing Kauffman alive again and up to his old tricks outweights the petty criticisms that gnaw at my mind like that rats that hover in the background of the kitchen in Crum's dilapidated apartment. Springer proves a surprisingly adept first-time director. But if there's Kauffman, musn't there be bongos? Where are the bongos, Jerry? There must be bongos!

Robin Hood-winked!

Robin Hood: Prince of Tights (1991)

Starring: Kevin Costner, Alan Rickman Directed by: Kevin Reynolds Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review Hollywood never seems to tire of the bad man from Knotting Hill. Kevin Costner (The Beastmaster) plays the eponymous hero as a knucklehead with a limp wrist and case of chronic fatigue syndrome in this slight but amusing parody of the great Erroll Flynn serials of yesteryear. Costner's british accent seems, at times, to defy gravity as he battles the overmatched Alan Rickman for the love of pulchritudinous Olivia D'Abo. Too bad we didn't get a villain with some meat on his bones - wouldn't Jackie Gleason (dead) have been great?. Look for DVD extras including a embarassingly disastrous musical number that, thankfully, didn't make the final edit. Let's hope there's never a director's cut!

Tragic, Moving Exploration of Death at Sea

A Night To Remember (1958)

Starring: Kenneth More, Honor Blackman Directed by: Roy Ward Baker Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Harrowing account of the sinking of Howard Hughes' (The Aviator) grand folly, the three billion ton passenger liner Titantic in the seas off of Antartica. In somber black and white the movie recounts the precipitating moment that led the U.S. to enter World War One after the dastardly (but brilliant) nazi plan to seed the Atlantic ocean with deadly icebergs. A tragedy that all of us can only try to forget. Well worth your time.

Even Better The Second Time Around

Million Dollar Baby (2004)

Starring: Clint Eastwood, Burgess Meredith Directed by: Clint Eastwood Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Lizard-skinned Eastwood (Rooster Cogburn) plays Rocky to beautiful Michelle Rodriguez' Adrienne in this gender-switching remake of Eastwood's orangutan-laced comedy Every Which Way But Up. This time nonegenarian Burgess Meredith (Winterset) is along for the ride as the trio fights rednecks and flag-waving dumbos from cornpone-infested town to town to earn enough money for Rodriguez' aged grandfather to get a new set of peepers. Sometimes violent (it's The Man With No Name, after all) but always hilarious, this one gets a big thumbs up. Enjoy!

Shall We Rent?

Shall We Dance (2004)

	Starring: Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon Directed by: Peter Chelsom Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other
Review No.

A Deal You CAN Refuse

The Godfather (1972)

	Starring: Marlon Brando, Al Pacino Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Dark, mumbling jumble of italian-american cliches and violence ripped off from Hong Kong kung fu movies. Done better by actors Marlon Brando and Bobby De Niro in the early seventies. Skip it and spend some time with your dog.

Angry? Heck Yes!

12 Angry Men (1957)

Starring: Henry Fonda, Eli Wallach Directed by: Sidney Lumet Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Still vibrating with righteous indignation 75 years after its first release, this movie stands up for all that is still right with America 75 years on! Gather the neighbor children, plunk them down in front of the screen and force them to watch this true American classic. Henry Fonda and Eli Wallach sweat it out as two petty criminals on the lam by sneaking onto the jury of (spoiler!) their own trial! The brilliant spring to this fabulous mouse-trap of a movie is that their own sense of justice forces them to convince the rest of the jury that they are, indeed, GUILTY! Rumor is that Richard Nixon hated this film, and after watching, you'll understand why as your heart swells with pride for the blind lady with the scales. Mother Justice, let us all bask between your legs!

Priscilla is Jaunty Desert Romp!

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994)

Starring: Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce Directed by: Stephan Elliott Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review Three bitchy women stumble around the New Zealand desert in sequins and thongs, complaining about men? Well, I loved it. Their bright-as-a-penny dialogue, funny accents and crazy antics kept me heartily amused for the entire two hours. Not likely any of these women will pop up on the Hollywood radar any time soon, but they give very winning performances. This one would make a great after-dinner entertainment at a family reunion. It's got something for everybody. Well done, Kiwis!

Trojan Tragedy is the Pitts

Troy (2004)

Starring: Brad Pitt, Eric Bana Directed by: Wolfgang Peterson Rating: R Genre: Action & Adventure Other

Review Beware Germans bearing gifts! This brightly-wrapped elephant dropping by CSI Las Vegas-director/star Wolfgang Peterson tries to do an end-run around logic, history and plain common-sense on its way to its happily-ever-after ending. Peterson and scriptwriter Orson Bean would have us believe that the ancient greeks wore leather skirts and had their hair done by Mr Tony of Beverly Hills! Little Brad Pitt (whose making a habit of these sword-and-sandal epics with the recently released Alexandria) strains credibility more than a little as a warrior with his panties in a bunch when his friend is trampled by a (!) camel. It's a big, hysterical mess. I waited all movie for the giant horse. Did I miss it? I'm going to have to recommend you pass on this one. Instead, check out the fabulous "Hercules in the Underworld" for a more accurate depiction of the ancient sodomites.

Citizen Kant

Citizen Kane (1941)

Starring: Orson Wells, Joseph Cotton Directed by: Orson Wells Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review This bloated egghead's delight purports to document an imaginary Charles Lindbergh's rise and fall. Lucky Lindy (a straw man for Fox magnet Rupert Murgatroyd) marries a dingbat and sells out the american people, then cries like a baby when his snowglobe breaks. Who cares? Salad dressing pitchman Orson Wells tries too hard to be the next Marty Scorcese. It's poorly lit, overracted and shot after shot appear to be filmed through a tin can. Best leave this boat anchor to the "critics" and rent the delightful "Aviator." Rosebuds, indeed!

Pretty Boy a "Phantom" Does Not Make

Phantom of the Opera (2004)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Kiera Nightly Directed by: William Shoemaker Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review A Warning up front - this is NOT the Lon Chaney version! Instead, director Billy Shoemaker brings us a paean to leather and velvet in this musical (!) version of the old-timey chiller about an scientist who burns off half his face in an attempt to discover the fountain of youth. I'm sorry, but brilliant Tom Cruise (Tequila Sunrise) is wasted under a hockey mask as the phantom. What were the casting directors thinking? Imagine ghoulish Bill Murray or Tony Quinn dramatically uplit and now you've got some goosebumps. Willowy Kiera Nightly (so good as one-half of the mixed race soccer-playing lesbian duo in Bend It To Beacham) has little to do except swoon as Cruise dashes about in his cape trying to appear menacing. The rumor is that he turned down a run as Hamlet in England to take this part as a favor to Shoemaker. These kinds of friends we don't need! Let's leave some of the juicy parts for fabulous goblins like Hector Elizondo, huh Tom?

"Wind" Remake Leaves Me Cold

Cold Mountain (2003)

Starring: Jude Law, Nicole Kidman Directed by: Anthony Minghella Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Academy Award winners litter the screen in Tony Minghella's Gone With Wind update. Frankly, I was just not impressed. Rene Zelwegger (fat!) staggers around the south in dirty clothes while Nicole Kidman pretends to go crazy. Pretty thin soup compared to Vivian Lee birthin' babies while Clark Gable saves President Lincoln from an assassin's bullet. Maybe it's just the times we live in, but I miss Technicolor.

Crazy Like a Fox!

The Madness of King George (1994)

Starring: Nathan Lane, Helen Mirren Directed by: Nicholas Hytner Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review This brilliant historical expose of the english king who freed America from itself literally glows with intelligence, wit and style. Broadway vet Nathan Lane (The Impostors) plays the mad king as a kind of tragic Charlton Heston figure, right down to the crazy hair. We americans owe a huge debt to this noble kook who had the foresight to recognize Britain would eventually waste away into irrelevance. God save the king!

Time-Travelling Weirdo Is Strangely Compelling

Orlando (1992)

	Starring: Orlando Bloom, Billy Zane Directed by: Dennis Potter Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review This fascinating history casts Orlando Bloom (Pirates of Penzance) as the world's first metrosexual. Weird, weird stuff from the pen of bizarro writer Dennis Potter. Frankly, I was mystified much of the time, yet curiously intrigued and not a little moved by the plight of this plucky time-travelling hero. If you and your mate are in an adventurous mood, by all means give this one a go!

Not a Ghost of A Chance

Catwoman (2004)

	Starring: Richard George,Mimi Woods Directed by: Mamoru Oshi Rating: NR Genre: Anime Other
Review Let the rugrats loose, give the babysitter your cell phone number and hit the front door for Applebees - this one's strictly for the kidlings. Japanese animator Oshi (Pokemon) certainly has a delightful way with the pen and ink but the story is all evil kingpins and Transformers. Best left to the young ones and comic book store owners.

Meow!

Catwoman (2004)

Starring: Hale Berry, Eric Estrada Directed by: Pilaf Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review Yowza! Hale Berry looks like a Victoria's Secret model come to life in this action spinoff of the legendary "Batman" series. Directory Pilaf may only have one name but, like Sting, he works it like a spanish grandee. He brings a kind of feral (!) intelligence to what could have been just a high-concept time-waster. This movie sizzles right from the first frame and doesn't let up until Catwoman has (warning: spoiler ahead!) vanquished all comers. I must warn you that there are quite a lot of sexual overtones to this movie, so kids are better off left with grandma. But you'll want to snuggle close to your cuddlebunny as Catwoman claws her way to the top. Kudos to fantastically-preserved Eric Estrada as the love interest. Very enjoyable.

Hefty Serving of Embarassment All the Way Around

Meet The Fockers (2004)

Starring: Ben Stiller, Al Pacino Directed by: Rob Reiner Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Empty-headed smutty nonsense from the juvenile twins who brought us custard-based hair gel and siamese twins who get their tongues stuck to frozen lightpoles. Frankly, Rob Reiner (All in the Family's loveable "Meathead") should know better than to get himself associated with a picture like this. Youngster Ben Stiller runs, but he cannot hide and generally classy Al Pacino (The Devil's Advocate) looks drunk much of the time. Shame on you, Hollywood!

Flyin' High!

The Aviator (2004)

Starring: Leonardo Dicapricio, Madonna Directed by: Martin Scorcese Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Leo Dicapricio, so fantastic as little jockey Red Smith in last year's Black Beauty, sparkles as bandleader and World War I flying ace Howard Hughes in Marty Scorcese's tribute to those daredevils of yesteryear. Feisty spitfire Madonna is surprisingly spot-on as Hughes' sometime companion Marilyn Monroe, and Kate Hepburn makes a delightful cameo appearance as herself (digitally enhanced, no doubt, by those technical wizards at Industrial Lights and Magic) in what may be the craziest movie of the year. I smell Oscar all over this one. Leave the kidlets at home though - It's a fleshly feast for the hormones. Enjoy!

Toy "Sorry" Pew!

Toy Story 2 (1999)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Woody Harrelson Directed by: John Lasseter Rating: G Genre: Children and Family Other

Review The reality is that the animation techniques used on this film, while possibly "state-of-the-art" are just not believable. I just found that I did not believe that the toys could walk and talk. Without "buying into" that conceit, the movie didn't work for me. With digital effects, wouldn't it be possible to "shrink" real actors in a larger background and make up them up as toys? That seems me like it would be a better use of the technology. Woody Harrelson was hilarious, though.

It All Eve-ns Out

All About Eve (1950)

Starring: Bette Davis, Ann Baxter Directed by: Joseph Mankiewicz Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Interesting movie, but they've got the wrong end of the stick. The movie is ostensibly about an older actress who is supplanted by a younger one but the reality is that Ann Baxter really IS a better actress and Bette Davis looks old as a mummy in this thing. So your sympathy lies with the Ann Baxter character. Weird that the director didn't seem to understand this. Ripe for a remake by somebody like the guy who makes those Red Shoes Diaries movies.

Grand Larceny

7 The Thief (1997)

	Starring: Various Directed by: Pavel Chukhrai Rating: R Genre: Foreign Other
Review The DVD states that the thief will "steal your heart." All I can say is that if your heart can be stolen this easily then you must have velcro chest. Poorly acted, poorly directed. Bring back the days when children were played by midgets! Unless your french is VERY good, be sure to turn the subtitles on.

Lao This!

7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964)

	Starring: Jack Klugman, Barbara Eden Directed by: George Pal Rating: NR Genre: Sci-Fi Other
Review For anyone who needed evidence that the fix is in at the Oscars, I offer you Exhibit A - this movie was NOT EVEN NOMINATED in 1964. Jack Klugman gives a thoroughly winning performance as the inscrutable Dr. Lao and Barbara Eden provides just a nip of naughtiness. Can't miss Saturday Night entertainment.

Uncomfortable "Must-See" Viewing

Once Upon a Time When We Were Colored (1995)

	Starring: Al Freeman Jr., Phylicia Rashad Directed by: Tim Reid Rating: PG Genre: Drama Other
Review While a good, solid entertainment, the term "colored" in the title makes me uncomfortable enough to rate the movie slightly lower than perhaps it deserves on its merits.

This Woodsman Doesn't Cut It

The Woodsman (2004)

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Kate Hudson Directed by: Nick Kassell Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review This one's a baffler. Flashdancer Kevin Bacon is released from prison after being ratted out on some kind of heist-gone-bad. But rather than try to round up a gang of misfits and oddballs to pull an even bigger caper at the lumber mill, Bacon sulks and mopes around his dingy apartment for days on end. Even the presence of sexy Kate Hudson can't seem to raise this woodsman from his torpor. Newcomer Nick Kassell drenches the screen in opressive colors and the picture never gathers the momentum that, for instance, George Clooney ("Golden Girls") generates in the recently released caper pic Oceans 12. A few good chuckles at the end were not enough to salvage this disappointing first effort. Never forget that it's entertainment, Nick!

Oh Brother!

Oh Brother Where Art Thou (2000)

Starring: George Clooney, John Goodman Directed by: Joel Coen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review 'Oh Brother' is right! Lord, how long must we must turn the other cheek while smart alecks like this play the 'Deliverance' card? Hello! Not everyone from the South plays banjo, bathes in bacon grease and picks his teeth with a pigsticker! One can only hope that these Hollywood types wake up one day to the incredible rainbow that is the modern south and pay tribute to unjustly forgotten heros like Muhammad Ali. Former 'Golden Girl' George Clooney does his best to keep things on track as a travelling pomade salesman while John Goodman trots out his tired McHale's Navy act for the umpteenth time.

Haunting Dessert Saga

Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

Starring: David Bowie, Alex Guinness Directed by: David Lean Rating: PG Genre: Classics Other

Review David Bowie is unforgettable as a WWI english soldier trapped behind the lines in Japanese-held Egypt. Ably partnered by Alex Guinness (Obi-Wan Kenobi, of Star Wars fame) Bowie trudges through the sand making friends with men of all persuasions. Despite some cinematographic problems (I felt like yelling 'Focus!' at my television more than once) the southern California scenery is awe-inspiring. Action highlights include a train falling over on its side and Bowie falling off a camel. Make sure you pack a sack lunch, though. This one tips the scales at over four hours!

Carey is Divine

Bruce Almighty (2003)

Starring: Jim Carey, Morgan Freeman Directed by: Tom Shadyac Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review This provocative slam against pantheistic religions stars Jim Carey as a congenital liar who convinces God that he is the Lord's "dumber" brother. God decides to teach him a lesson by forcing Carey to become a local television anchorman. Carey is a riot, wearing both a hairnet and a small umbrella-hat variously throughout the film. Take a pass on the distasteful DVD extra outtakes though - especially one where the rubber-faced goblin simulates the act of physical love with a Wookie. Note to Hindus - It's all in fun!

Weird, Whacky America!

American Beauty (1999)

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Annette Benning Directed by: Sam Mendez Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Kevin Bacon is profoundly touching as a slightly retarded husband who is driven by modern society's ills to seek out high school cheerleaders in this thoughtful movie about the dangers of getting old. Annette Benning plays Bacon's wife - a rageaholic with an insatiable appetite for unhealthy food. Mendez' lingering shots of furniture show great promise for the future. WARNING: people who have loved ones who may have become mentally unstable during the war may be offended by Mendez' treatment of one such looney.