Knock Knock. Who's There? Racism!

Guess Who (2005)

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Bernie Mac Directed by: Kevin Rodney Sullivan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review The word courage doesn't naturally spring to mind when discussing the ouvre of Ashton Kutcher, but that might all change after this handsome, unsparing update of the 60's light comedy starring (of all people) Sidney Poitier. Kutcher, the obese, moon-faced Bernie Mac and generally-untalented director Sullivan ignore the low-hanging fruit (comedy), instead opting for whole scenes in which the inherent discomfort of the actors is made plain to the audience. Kutcher, in particular, refuses to give in to the humor, making his slightly-retarded, insufferable character a whipping boy for all the injustices suffered by African-Americans throughout the history of our nation. In the same way that Scream redefined the horror genre by removing the horror, Guess Who may be looked back as a landmark as well: A comedy brave enough to go it alone. Bravo!

Vengeful Korean Master Film

Oldboy (2003)

	Starring: Min-sik Choi Directed by: Chan-wook Park Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Ultimately uplifting Korean powerhouse of a film suggests that revenge isn't all bad. As director Choi says in the DVD extras: "Venegance's a huge might and a sense that needs passion." If you're as fascinated with revenge as I am, then I can heartily recommend multiple viewings.

Generous Actress Allows Others To Shine

Being Julia (2004)

Starring: Annette Bening, Jeremy Iron Directed by: Istvan Szabo Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Annette Bening shows off some serious uber-technique in this classy adaptation of mayonnaise-heiress Lilian Hellman's race horse drama Pimlico. Ably assisted by Jeremy Iron (doesn't that sound like an adult film pseudonym?), Bening shows what a generous actress she is, giving up almost every scene to just about anyone else within the camera's frame. May be something of an acquired taste but, like Ms. Hellman's oil-rich spread, it adds just the right piquant touch to that special dish (artichokes, for example). Enjoy!

Fit Brit a Hit in the Cit!

Alfie (2004)

Starring: Judd Law, Marisa Tomei Directed by: Charles Shylock Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review "What's it all about, Alfie? Is it just a game for you?" Alfie, a young ne'er-do-well with a British accent and an attitude to match "macks" on femalia young and old throughout the triborough area only to find that that love is not a game of nine-pins. Instead, it's like golf - he who scores the least, wins the game of hearts. Judd Law (the Breakfast Club) lost about 150 pounds and died his hair blonde to make his comeback and, other than the phony british accent, he's excellent. Rumors are swirling that he may be the next Batman and, after watching this one, I'm on board. God's Speed, Judd!

Bullock Shoots... And Scores Again!

Miss Congenitally 2 (2005)

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Regina King Directed by: John Pasquin Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell... Sandra Bullock! And is she ever terrific in a reprise of her breakout role as Detective Smartypants - an ugly duckling strapped to a bus wired to an atomic bomb and heading straight to Hell. Ms. Bullock (latin for "bull" oddly enough) whose ever-growing subcuteneous pulchritude makes her sexy as a seal pup, is smart enough to know when enough is enough and she stops trying long before the opening crawl is complete. Instead, she sleepwalks through the 191 minutes it takes for Miss Congenitally Part Deux to grind it's way through our hearts, and who can blame her? Not me! Enjoy!

Media Circus

Anchorman (2004)

Starring: Wilf Erroll, Smack Daddy Directed by: Adam McKay Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review When Sir Walter Cronkite intoned those famous words "... And that's the way it Was" I do not believe he had this movie in mind. Anchorman is a foul-mouthed corruption of the ideals of journalism as they were laid down by such luminaries as Edward R. Newman and Edwin Murrow back in the day when the news was more than good hair and gleaming teeth. Then again, it is a comedy. But give me Ted Baxter any day over the the "stylings" of Saturday Night Live alumnus Wilf Erroll and the emasculating sidekick - the finger-licking bad "Smack Daddy." Hollywood has yet to realize that real humor is found neither in tragedy of flatulence nor the exploitation of the wholesome vigor of a young woman's poitrine. Instead, it exists at the confluence where high moral rectitude runs head on into the pitch-black ice-cold, dagger-sharp, brain-rattling, soul-eating wall we call "reality." But then the Hollywood bigshots in their Beaver-skin coats and Bel-Air mansions wouldn't know that, would they?

Nixon In Love

Nixon (1995)

Starring: Sir Laurence Oliver, Joan Allen Directed by: Oliver Stone Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review What pithy and salacious tidbit of information Director Oliver Stone (American Psychotic) had over Sir Laurence Oliver to get him to appear as disgraced President of the United States Richard Nixon may forever remain a mystery, but this much is clear: Oliver was the twentieth century's greatest actor, and perhaps the greatest actor since they have been keeping records. Oliver snuffles, winces, groans, squints, belches and swears his way into our hearts, showing us the humanity behind the bitter, contorted mask that was Tricky Dicky Nixon. Who amongst us can have claimed, before seeing this film, to have known the fevered, almost morbid, passion this dark, paranoid, humpbacked walking-stick (who risked an empire on the fate of a spotted dog) brought to his relationship with pinch-faced asexual "Pat" Nixon (played ably by Joan Allen [The Iced Storm])? As the song says, "Love Is All Around, There is No Need To Waste It." It seems a pity that we had to wait so long to understand that tragic message. Thank you Mssrs. Oliver and Stone. A grateful nation awaits, with bated breath, "Agnew."

Peeing John Malkovich

Being John Malkovich (2001)

	Starring: John Malkovich Directed by: John Malkovich Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Weirdball vanity project in which Malkovich assumes people would pay good money to see what it's like to urinate through his own eyes. If this is art, then bring on the poker-playing canines!

Little Boy Lost

Finding NeverNeverLand (2004)

	Starring: Johnny Depp, Kate Winslet Directed by: Marc Foster Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review Disturbing weeper about a boy with a strange disease that gives him a man's body, but a child's lack of sex drive. Not sure I grasp who the audience for this is, but more power to them if this is the way of life they seek. Probably best to lock the kids away for this one, should you find you or your life partner feel compelled to take a peek.

Jesus Is Just Alright With Me

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

Starring: ZZ Top, Barbra Streisand Directed by: Norman Jewison Rating: UR Genre: Musical Other

Review ZZ Top as Jesus, Fabulous Barbra Streisand as his Mother - Mary - and the New Christy Minstrels as the Disciples, with a score by Classical Maestro Andre Previn and 70's hipster Henry Mancini? Sounds a like a recipe for disaster, but hold onto your communion wafers because this one works it like Tina Turner guesting at a Rolling Stones Concert! The bearded Trolls of Texas turn the Sermon on the Mount into the blues weepfest I can now see it was meant to be, and Streisand belts "I Can Explain" (a little ditty about Jesus' mysterious conception) with both pathos and enough volume to blow a hole right the diaphragm of my (admittedly ancient) Klipschorns. Who'd a thunk it? Highly recommended!

Gameplan For Disaster

Man Of the House (2005)

Starring: Billy Joe Thornton, Cedric The Magician Directed by: Stephen Herek Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review What lugnut thought it was funny to pair up a man as supernaturally ugly as Billy Joe Thornton with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and drop them in the middle of the Super Bowl with a madman who has comandeered a blimp with a thermonuclear device on board and is aiming to take out the state of Texas during the halftime show? Congratulations Hollywood, you have managed to scale unto new heights of irresponsibility, providing every noodnik with a blimp license and a buddy with a physics degree from Saltlick State U. with his own special blueprint for World War III. Pat yourselves on the your collective rumps, you fools, while the rest of us pray this thing is confiscated by the powers that be and locked in an airtight vault a thousand miles under the Washington Monument.

A Ring Too Far

Ring 2: Electric Boogaloo (2005)

Starring: Naomi Watts, Simon LeBon Directed by: Hirayo Miyazi Rating: R Genre: Anime Other

Review Director Miyazi, better known for brilliant childrens' classics like Fat Red Porker and Flitting Away, turns his attention to the dungeons & dragons genre with an animated followup to last year's Lord of the Rings, and with predictably disappointing results. Gone are the obese felines and talking hamsters, replaced by "dark things" in the corner that go boo. I think it's time we gave poor old J.R.R.R. Tolking a break and turned our heads toward happier thoughts. Better to spend the time scrubbing the ring around your tub. (NOTE: I meant that as a joke, but if you do wash your tub with an abrasive cleanser be sure to rinse the ceramic very well or you may find yourself with red welts on your bottomside - I speak with the voice of experience!)

Travolta In One For The Ages

Be Cool (2005)

Starring: John Travolta, Uma Thurmond Directed by: Quentus Tarantino Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review I find myself unable to concoct a catchy metaphor to express my feelings about this dark fable of underworld that is the Entertainment business. I've always felt it was not the place of the reviewer to inject his (or her) personal feelings into a review. But I'm going to break that rule: I believe that twenty, thirty or even fifty years from now people will think about Actor John Travolta in the same way we who live in the first decade of the new century honor Mr Spencer Tracy. Travolta (Phenomenon) is a phenomenon unto himself, a cool, fat sex machine with sleekit hair like an otter and eyes that bore into one's soul like a two-fisted dentist drilling a pair of cheese-soft molars. When he's on the screen, it's as though the light that emanates from his forehead obliterates the cast, the crew, the set, the foliage. One watches and wonders why the film emulsion doesn't drip right off its celluloid backing. What about the film, you ask? What film? All is Travolta. Travolta is all. All doubters will be forced to their knees after this one. I guarantee it. Enjoy!

It Isn't Easy Being A Frog

Men Of Honor (2000)

Starring: Q-Bot Goodman, Jr., Harvey Keitel Directed by: George Tillman, Jr. Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Men Of Honor's blue language will turn away many who should be forced to watch its stark depiction of African-Americans compelled to the bottom of the sea by a military bureacracy that cannot see the man behind the frog-mask. Rapper Q-Bot Goodman, Jr. refuses to dance to his white commander's jig, upping the ante with each perilous league the ship descends on its rendezvous with horror. Finally Harvey Keitel's Captain Queeg lets go of his metal balls long enough to have the upstart crow thrown in the brig. But when the crew begins to suffocate, Goodman is the first to volunteer to don the rubber fish suit and repair the gaping hole that leaves them with only minutes until their nuclear payload blows a opening in the Antartic's ozone layer the size of Antartica. Action, drama and lonely terror-induced buggery all vie for our attention as the precious seconds tick away. I can think of no more honorable way to salute our submariners of all colors than to sit through all three-hundred and forty minutes of this carnival of asphyxiation. Frogmen, We Salute You!

Freeze Baby, Freeze!

The Day After The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Toby Maguire Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review What would happen if the day after the day after tomorrow was really really cold? This provocative setpiece outlining just such a scenario strikes out at every government bureaucrat who ever kept you waiting in line at the DMV even though you had an appointment by showing what would happen if their eyeballs froze (spoiler - they pop!). Grumpy Dennis Quaid sublimates his lack of sexual activity by discovering that pollution has become so bad that the Statue of Liberty will soon be in the middle of an ice cube just like in those acrylic cubes you can buy at the Statue of Liberty. It's all a little farfetched (doesn't anybody remember that ozone in your refrigerator can KILL you?) but lots of fun as folks scurry around like ants trying to convince the evil president "Bosch" and vice-president "Chutney" that they've doomed us all to a future picking oranges in Zihuatenejo. Incredible DVD extras include blooper real of "flubbed" lines (when actors cannot remember their lines or they say them incorrectly or, occasionally, say them too soon or too late before or after another actor's "cue") and thought-provoking mini-documentary on how file-sharing pirates are spreading viruses that give young children cancer.

Mystical Magical Tour of Beantown

Mystic River (2004)

	Starring: Sean Penn, Tim Robbins Directed by: Clint Eastwood Rating: PG Genre: Comedy Other
Review Mayhem ensues when a band of mischievous leprechauns descend upon Boston's Charles River. Can love be far behind?

Grisly Story That Had To Be Told

Real Women Have Curves (2002)

Starring: Charlie Theron, Christina Ricky Directed by: Patty Cardoso Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review A cautionary tale for any man considering the question: "Do I look fat in these pants?" this grisly docudrama is a technicolor nightmare of man-hate. Theron is brilliant as the hulking ex-wrestler turned deadly performance-artist, hacking her way with a meat cleaver through any man who has the temerity to rape her. One hopes the Justice Department was taking notes because without this kind of film we might never have known the plight of homicidal prostitutes.

Burn Baby Burn!

Ladder 49(2004)

Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, John Travolta Directed by: Jay Russell Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Ladder 49 (named for the number of steps it takes for a fireman to reach the second story of a burning building) has all of the excitement of Backdraft without the annoying story line. Who hasn't, at one time or another, considered buring down his parents' horrible, boring summer house? Ladder 49 is probably as close as most of you are ever going to get. An experience not to be missed by those who love the mysterious yellow blossom in all its myriad manifestations!

Depravity, Thy Name is Gigli!

Gigli(1958)

Starring: Audrey Hepburn, Marcel Marceau Directed by: Steven Sondheim Rating: G Genre: Musical Other

Review "Gigli, you with the stars in your eyes..." Well, something must have been in her eyes for Audrey Hepburn to allow herself to be sold off to ancient wanker Marcel Marceau by monstrous grandmother Angela Lansbury (Miss Piggy's Grand Aventure). Only Sondheim, that dark atonal weasal of misery could have concocted a story so sordid that it made the angels along 41st Street weep. Gorgeously cinematographed on a backlot Paris-that-never-was, this bright, shiny booger manages to offend all but the most permissive with its constant smirks and chuckles at the misery of women forced by their grandparents' penury to bed disgusting truffle-hogs like Mr. Marceau. Shame apparently is a word unknown in the depraved underground lairs of sophisticated New York showpeople. But, as a citizen of Ohio, I'll take none of it. And neither, I think, will you. Shame!

Put A Cork In It. It's Done!

Sideways (2004)

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Meryl Streep Directed by: Margaret Cho Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review A paean to Sisyphus (the Roman God of Wine), Sideways takes the patient viewer on a journey of few steps but many miles. Fat, ugly wine connoisseur Giamatti (The Andy Kauffman Story) hits the road after vomiting on the last of his mother's treasury notes, hightailing it up to beautiful Napa/Sonoma. There he vomits on waitress Meryl Streep who, obviously nursing some serious issues of her own, finds herself strangely charmed by this hairy fruitbat. Can inebriated Cupid hit the target? I'll leave it to you to find out. Parental Note: You may have to forcefeed them stimulants, but I highly recommend having your kids watch this sobering lesson about the dangers of wine and song.

Dyno-NOT!

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Starring: Crispy Glover, Jon Gries Directed by: Jared Hess Rating: PG Genre: Comedy Other

Review Now is the winter of my discontent as I watch yet another mediocre seventies television show "adapted" for the big screen. Good Times starred the inimitable Esther Rolle (Good Times) as the mother of the loveable, mentally-challenged J.J. whose spastic enthusiasm for life managed to bubble through the tacky sets and creaky vaudeville scripts. From what bibulous nightmare Nike admeister Hess conjured the concept of weirdball Crispy Glover as J.J. is probably best left to his crack team of round-the-clock therapists. Let us pray that this misguided rat pellet disintegrates quickly and we are spared the sight of Christopher Walking donning the legendary guano-stained coat of the master-sleuth Columbo!

The Emperor of the Blown Mind!

Constantine (2005)

Starring: Keenu Reeves,Rachel Weisz Directed by: Francis Laurence Rating: Unrated Genre: Action Other

Review Mr. Keenu Reeves proves once again that he is the one Hollywood actor willing and able to BLOW YOUR MIND! Reeves is fantastic as Constantine, an oddly feckless man who, when he suddenly begins to channel the great former emperor of Constantinople, has powers beyond your imagination. When his friend's sister dies he goes to hell and engages in the best theological debate with Satan since the underrated Little Nicky. Often castigated as a nitwit with a brainpan the size of a triscuit, Reeves fights the good fight as Satan's worst nightmare! Fantastic special effects include a donkey stuck in a tornado and Reeves underpants spontaneously bursting into flames. Looking forward to Reeves always-thought-provoking commentary on the DVD!

Leggo Of My Ego

Olivier's Hamlet (1948)

	Starring: Laurence Oliver, Eileen Herlie Directed by: Laurence Oliver Rating: Unrated Genre: Drama Other
Review Oliver's Hamlet? Pardon me, I thought it was Mr. Shakespeare's Hamlet! If you can manage your way past the man's all devouring ego you'll find Oliver delivers the goods as the naughty Dane with a horrible secret and a heart of gold. Alas, poor York, it's not recommended for children.