December-December Romance

The Notebook (2004)

	Starring: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McRachael Directed by: Nick Cassevetes Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review When an old man (James Garner of Maverick fame) shows up at the bed of a dotty old woman, romance blooms again. If you can get past disturbing thought of James Garner rubbing his body against another human you may find your little bit o' joy here.

Come On Baby, Light My Freedom

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

Starring: Actors Directed by: Director Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other

Review Slugabed director Moore seems to be implying that standing president George M. Bush was unaware that freedoms were being stripped from Iraqi patriots in his name, as he read bunny stories to doe-eyed schoolmoppets. Come on, Mr. Moore, I've googled my constitution as closely as you, and I happen to know that the founding fathers had no intention of stopping a president from reading whatever he sees fit. It's called "The Freedom of the Press," Monsieur Moore, and I, for one, stand by it. Step away from your feeding trough and smell the liberty. I think you'll find that it's intoxicating. It smells like America.

Schneebaum Vs. The Volcano

Keep The River On The Right (2003)

	Starring: Tobias Schneebaum, Normal Mailer Directed by: David Shapiro Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other
Review Egghead whackjob Schneebaum goes native and paints his privates red and blue. Normal Mailer may be impressed, but I'm underwhelmed. Leave this one to the culture vultures and rent the delightful Joe Vs. the Volcano for a more entertaining look at cultural self-hate.

Band On the Run

Metallica: The Smartest Guys In The Room (2004)

Starring: Metallica Directed by: Director Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other

Review When a rock band becomes more interested in offshore investments than "rockin the casbah" the river rapidly devolves into a set of rapids which can only be "shot" with the expert guidance of rapids-master lawyers wielding paddles with names like "nolo contendere" and "habeus corpus." What a long strange trip it must have been for the boys of Metallica - from vomit-stained groupies to the leather-trimmed high-rise board rooms of Cayugas and Montego Bay. Fascinating, disturbing and, ultimately, uplifting tale. Highly recommended.

The Business of Business Turns Out to be Love!

Enron: Some Sort of Monster (2005)

Starring: Enron Directed by: Director Rating: PG-13 Genre: Documentary Other

Review What happens when a group of business geniuses find that they can't stand each other any longer? Well, when trillions of dollars in dictators' retirement funds are at stake, it's time to bring in the Freud Squad. We're priviledged to watch the inner workings of these financial "monsters" as they lock into a life-or-death struggle to maintain their humanity in an era where the cries of legions of puny stockholders crowded around the SEC's tumbrils, baying for the blood of industry giants like Freddy Worldcom and hair-tie magnate Richard Scrunchi drown out the rational laissez-faire discourse of Adam West. I must admit that my throat caught a little watching this besieged band of brothers circle the wagons and, pledging their allegiance under the paternal guidance of their corporate psychologist, engaged in a emotional (yet manly) group hug.

Turn the Props Up to 11!

Tupac Resurrection (2003)

	Starring: Tupac Directed by: Lauren Lizin Rating: R Genre: Mockumentary Other
Review Who was Tupac Shakur? No. Really. Who was he? As I watched Lauren Lizin's fascinating mockumentary I almost came to believe that there really was such a person as this literally-larger-than-life "rap" artist. Little Stanley says "Check it out!"

Fish Story

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004)

Starring: Bill Murray, Dame Katherine Blachett Directed by: Wesley Anderson Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review The mysterious world of the sea is the ostensible subject of former Star Trek boy genius Wesley Anderson's latest film, and yet one can't help but wonder if it's Anderson's own childhood that's really at play here. Oceanic scientists (oceanographers) often refer to the sea as "inner space." Anderson's childhood was spent, in a sense, in a televised "outer" space. And Bill Murray has grown a mighty and dramatic ventre that, when tucked into a militarily-fetish frogman's suit, is uncannily like the little potbelly that bulged so fetchingly above Captain Kirk's smart black belt. Anderson seems to be saying that our heros, whatever their shortcomings, are always a little fat. And perhaps even more to the point, they'll always disappoint (and in some cases [spoiler alert!] KILL) us in the end. Beautiful underwater photography reminiscent of the old SeaHunt series only serves to highlight the machinations of a mad crew seemingly bent on destroying every living creature in the sea. One can't help but think back to old french bastard Jacques Cousteau's horrific battles with parrotfish and the legendary "greasemonkey" eel. Anderson's love of Cousteau comes across in every frame. This is an homage to a time when television wasn't afraid to cast an arrogant foreigner as the good guy and a cute dolphin as the devil. Sail on, Captain Anderson. Sail on to whatever your destiny may hold!

Call Me When It's Over

Kicking and Screaming (2005)

Starring: Wilf Errel, Robert Duval Directed by: Bob Dylan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Hollywood has a name for films like Kicking and Screaming. They're called "high-concept" projects, and more likely than not they were "pitched" by some shark-suited twenty-two year old in a black spandex t-shirt and Angel Flight disco slacks his daddy left him when he moved to Arizona with his hot-pants secretary. He's calling in a favor, making a deal by combining a number of his clients in a project whose story that can be summarized in thirty seconds by a panda bear with finger paints. One question - why, Mr. Dylan? Why? Is this your revenge for the poor reception of Renaldo and Clara? You, sir, are bigger than the business. Please return to your seat until the airplane has come to a complete stop. That said, Wilf Errel is very good.

Master of His High Seas Domain!

The Master and the Commander (2003)

Starring: Rumply Crow, Paul Bettany Directed by: Cameron Crowe Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review It's 1812 and all is not well for the British Empire. The French have learned to build ships and the Spanish are buying them, and the English King is madder than a cocked hat on a red-tailed rooster. What's a roguish gentleman with a bent for the ladies and a hunger for gold to do? Take to the high seas, naturally! And that's what the Master of the title does in this rollicking tale of blood and swash that takes the viewer from the dirty ports of English Portland to the barren wastes of the Galapagos Islands. There's drink and song, and lots of blood and severed limbs, but that was the cost for Britain to be strong enough for America to become strong and defeat Britain and create democracy. Highly recommended!

Heaven's Just a Mace Away

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Directed by: Riddidly Scott Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review In the year 2525, if man is still alive goes the classic song and I couldn't help but wonder, as I watched Riddidly Scott's epic Kingdom of Heaven if the poor bastards who trudged off to the crusades hummed something similar. This dark, moody set piece lends itself to such deep thoughts as it incisively examines why a poor, stupid laborer (Orlando Bloom [Orlando]) would find it necessary to murder poor stupid laborers halfway around the continent. But Scott (Alien Nation), ever the perfectionist shows that where racism and bigotry is the question, then love must be the answer. Love, in the form of brittle, ceramic-skinned celtic folk-rapper Eva, is all the spur our dumbbunny hero needs to accept the thuggish hatred necessary to do what must be done. The world, Scott seems to say, is strange, cruel and violent and only by being even more strange, more cruel and more violent can we hope to bring the planet to a successful conclusion. I may disagree with the message, but the messenger compels my eyes upward, ever upward, crawling up the giant megaplex screen until, indeed, I feel I truly am in cinematic heaven.

Getting the Kinks Out

Kinsey (2004)

Starring: Liam Neeson, Laura La Linney Directed by: Bill Condon Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Fascinated, yet horrified, we watch sex studies jockey Alf Kinsey ride the horse of deviance down the backstretch of normalcy only to collapse at the line. A gruesome life and marriage lovingly acted by Irish hamhock Liam Neeson (Neeson!) and swedish bombshell Laura La Linney (Congo!) until, like Popeye, they can't stands no more and fall apart like a well-cooked pot roast. Director Condon seems to feel that nothing that is human can be considered not human, and I for the life of me can find nothing with which to refute him. Strong mead, unsweetened by the honeybee of sentiment. Live Strong, deviants!

Lost Luggage

The Terminal (2004)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Catherine ZetaJones Directed by: Steven Spielberg Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Simpleton Tom Hanks (Splash) cannot find his way out of an airport terminal after his mother dies. For this they invented Cinemascope? Boy genius Spielberg claims no gold star here, I'm afraid. Only the lustrous, edible Catherine ZetaJones brings anything resembling the living to this Wet Willie, just by letting us bask in her pulchritudinous ambient aura. Might appeal to spinsters, or luggage jockeys.

Mais Ou est Huile d'Olive?

The French Connection (1971)

Starring: Gene Hackman Directed by: Wilhelm Friedkin Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The French, they are a funny people. But not, apparently, when they try an "homage" to great american cartoon figures as in this misguided attempt to fuse the dreary, perplexing work of Jean-Luc Picard with the sprightly pop sensibility of America's favorite spinach pitchman. What we get is neither fish nor foul. Incredibly, laconic egghead Robert Altman remade this eye booger into a musical starring schizophrenic whackjob Robin Williams - not surprisingly, it's even harder to bear. Bad show all around for Franco-American relations.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Sunset Boulevard(1950)

Starring: Joan Crawford, William Holden Directed by: Sir Billy Wilder Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review "My head's too big for the screen!" thunders legendary medusa Joan Crawford as her manservant Mongo picks nits from her ever-shedding scalp. Sir Billy Wilder sure did it this time, creating a masterpiece by telling it like it is, one monstrous Hollywood moment at a time. William Holden plays a dead screenwriter brought back to life to write the biography of a mythical silent movie star whom no one remembers, and he's instantly caught in her spider's web of money, fame, glamour, putrifaction and money. When she discovers that he's young and she's old, the glamour queen goes mad and insists that he become old or dead, which he does once again. It's a metaphor for all that is wrong with the Hollywood of yesterday and, of course, of today. And to prove the point, Wilder's commentary track includes insult after insult of the current crop of stars, pointing out that not one of them made a silent picture, or even one in black and white. I couldn't agree more, and I expect that you'll find yourself nodding throughout this glorious, venomous paean to the shrews and megalomaniacs of yesteryear who made the films we turn to again and again, like this one which I know I'll watch over and over. Enjoy!

Zero For Conduct

Suspect Zero (2004)

Starring: Aaron Eckhardt, Ben Kingsley Directed by: Eelias Merhige Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The ways of the psychopath are indeed so strange that many of us struggle to imagine committing the terrible crimes that they perpetrate with such ease. Feeling our dismay, mavericks like Eelias Merhige spread the buffet before us and let us choose one from column A and one from column B until we are sated. Bakery heir Eckhardt plays FBI detective Aaron Zero, a man with a terrible thirst for justice who's found the case that just might quench it. A madman is loose and he's killing (spoiler alert!) OTHER MADMEN! Eckhard must stop him before there are no madmen left and he's out of a job. Or is he? This masterful thriller will keep you on the edge of the couch as you try to stay one step ahead of the script and two steps ahead of fat, bald goblin Ben Kingsley, who makes a mockery of every other actor he works with by spraying his genius indiscriminately across the screen. Let's hope Hollywood never loses its nerve in bringing us into the mind of the kinds of terrifying psychotics who prey on people just like us!

Healthy, Wealthy and Wise. Wealthy, Anyway.

National Treasure (2004)

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Diane Kruger Directed by: Saul Turteltaub Rating: PG Genre: Action Other

Review Hulking nimrod Nick Cage plays reincarnated Benjamin Franklin who has returned for the treasure he buried during the civil war in this pitilessly entertaining riff on the founding fathers. Cage (Baking Arizona) is alternatingly hilarious, moving and terrifying as the man who brought us the potbellied stove, term life insurance and lightning - a madcap rogue with false teeth and a snappy patter who, the movie would have us believe, convinced George Washington and Abe Lincoln to "put a little away for a rainy day." When he awakes in 2004 in the body of a clodhopping archaeologist its off to the races. For those of you who have spent a Denny's moment pondering the giant eye on the back of the one dollar bill, this movie may be what you've been looking for. For the rest of us, it's just solid entertainment. Bung ho, Hollywood, and thanks!

Bald Isn't Always Beautiful, Baby

THX118 (1971)

Starring: Robert Duvall, Donald Pleasence Directed by: George Lucas Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review This Star Wars "prequel" (a film term for a movie that precedes the sequel to a successful film) appears to have been pieced together from bus fare change. Bald folks wander around in a stupor. It looks like a Hair Club For Men terror ad. Lucas is a genius (see Howard the Duck for surprising evidence of this) but he was badly advised by his advisors here. Still, if this was the price for us to get Obi-Wan Kenobi-Wan and Luke Star War then I'll willingly pay this eccentric piper.

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (2003)

Starring: Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey Directed by: Donald Petrie Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Love can be difficult and painful. One puts one's heart on the line only to see it either trampled as the love object rumbles past toward some creep with brilliantined hair and a fake rolex, or looks on in horror as it is dissected into tiny pieces of sushi by an assassin trained in the fine art of clock dismemberment. Who among us can claim to have escaped the exquisite torture of watching a trusted loved one betray every principle she claimed to worship, all for a hairy little man with a soul patch and a Subaru QRX? As the brilliant Burt Bacharach once wrote: love stinks. And yet the suits in Hollywood would have us believe love is a valentine wrought in gold filigree upon the New York skyline by young, attractive foolish people with nothing more to lose than a steak dinner and a missed trip to the 24 Hour spa. Wake up! I cannot recommend this, unless your soul has grown a patch and made the quick trip to hell with a beautiful heartless blonde maenad from Minnesota who goes by the name of Tammy.

Queen of Hearts

Nine Queens (2000)

Starring: Ricardo Darin, Gaston Pauls Directed by: Fabian Bielinsky Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Ocean's Eleven goes down Argentina Way in this delightful, sprightly romp through the world of philanderalists and their love of poorly printed stamps. Maestro Bielinsky delivers the goods with panache, giving us the requisite good guy, bad guy and beautiful dame (or dama, in spanish) but with a surprise twist at the end that will leave you flummoxed. Who'd have thought that stamps could lead to so much mayhem? Not me! Enjoy!

A Half a Woman Too Far

8 1/2 Women (1999)

	Starring: John Standing, Matthew Delamere Directed by: Peter Greenaway Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other
Review Fish-out-of-water comedy in which a father and son blunder their way through a series of disastrous relationships with spunky ladies who refuse to take what they're dishing out. Strangely flat effort by usually reliable Greenaway fails to amuse or instruct.

Persistence of Vision

8 1/2 (1963)

Starring: Marcello Mastroantonioni Directed by: Frederico Fellini Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Frederico Fellini is justly known as a brilliant filmmaker and an Italian - though not exclusively. And 8 1/2 is undoubtedly his masterpiece. 8 1/2 (so-called because multiplying 8 by 3 (the trinity of the father, the son and the holy ghost) yields 24 - the magic number of frames-per-second that a modern film runs through the projector to produce persistence of vision to the normal eye. (The europeans use a different version, known as CSPAN). And the other half? Ah, that's Fellini's "secret sauce" - Women! Fellini sees himself as only "half" a man, without a woman to complete him. But he's confused because when he adds up all of these various halves who populate his complicated life, they add up to... 8 1/2! Complicated? Perhaps. Brilliant. Undoubtedly! I would suggest that you leave the subtitles on, unless you speak Italian, but even if you do you'll find the running commentary almost as unforgettable as the movie itself. Bellissima! Enjoy!