Last One Out, Turn off the Lights

Green Hornet (2011)

Starring: Sith Rogan, JayChow Directed by: Mitchell Gondry Rating: PG-13 Genre: Suspense Other: Superhero

Review Fat, gray onanist Rogan turns his belly button into a foul spewpipe, "riffing" on one non-sequitur after another as he desperately seeks to talk his way clear of this pig offal of a script (by once-brilliant "novelist of the future" Jay "Gatsby" McInerney). Former Michael Jordan bodyguard and sidekick JayChow hangs on to Rogan's side blubber like a homesick remora. What exactly are we to make of what probably once looked like a "can't miss" idea before the likes of casting Godfather "Lyn" Stallmaster and evil supergenius Michael Ovidz put their morganetic spell upon it? Imagine a carpet the size of the Astrodome made of upturned mouths all screaming their agony in unison, only to be met by a hailstorm of Wilf Errol's special "menudo" stewed in the flopsweat of a hundred Zach Galfianikakiliases. Congratulations, you're a tenth of the way there. Leave EVERYONE home, and enjoy the simple pleasures of Mr. Tony Randall. You'll thank me.

The Englishman Who Walked Up A Word and Came Down A Soliloquy

Kingspeak (2011)

Starring: Colin Filth, Geoffroy Rush, Helen Bon-ham Carter Directed by: Tobe Hooper Rating: PG-13 Genre: History

Review Offensive drivel that would have us believe that "the king's english" was a plot invented by Churchill to change the official language of Britain to American. Filth plays an actor with a passing resemblance to His Royal Personage. Rush, as The Stogied Walrus, mocks every elementary school speech pathologist who ever stuck a tongue depressor down a second grader's throat. Stay away - with extreme prejudice!

Good Sports

Dilemma (2011)

Starring: Vince Hogg, Jack Black Directed by: Ronald Howard Rating: PG-13 Genre: Dramedy  Other: Gay & Lesbian

Review Two married men discover, through their mutual obsession with sports, that man-meat is the choice of champions. Hogg ("Swingles", "Hot Topic: The Movie") is once again a slick, likeable mug with tight leather pants (in black AND brown!) in the back of his closet. Black ("Child-Eater", "Loaf: The Marvin Lee Aday Story") is as hot as sizzling bacon fat as his best friend and confidante. Howard, never strong on plot lines, manages to set 'em up and knock 'em down proficiently enough to stay out of the lovers' way. And do they ever! Congratulations, Mr. Howard, for showing us that sports can emulate life, and love will find its measure.

To Thine Known Self Be True

What Do You Know (2010)

Starring: Gabrielle Reece, Paula Rugg, Jack Nicholson, Stubby Shavers Directed by: Jim Brooks Rating: PG-13 Genre: Tragedy Other

Review Once a year a fish known as a "grunion" beaches itself by the millions in the wet sands of San Diego in order to bring forth the next generation. And just as regularly "Jim" Brooks beaches himself on the boards of Hollywood to produce a film that will spawn a million imitations by never-shall-be's like Judge Apatown and "Jim" Jarmusch. "What Do You Know" (a subtle but appreciative nod to Dante's "Milton Lost") concerns a number of attractive people and Jack Nicholson doing what they do best - being the kind of people you know and that you are. And Jack Nicholson.  Like the piscatorial connoisseur, reap this little harvest of joy before Mr. Brooks shuffles off this little blue coil. You won't be disappointed. Note to Arwen - No, Ms. Witherspoon is clean-shaven.

Light My Flyer

Tron: Legacy (2010)

Starring: Willie Nelson, Boy Sting, Olivia DeHavilland, Jr. Directed by: Krzysztof Kieslowski Rating: PG Genre: SciFi Fiction

Review Fifty years ago a Palo Alto, California engineer named Hewlett J. Packard shrunk himself to the size of an engorged tick and "uploaded" his midget brain into the first IBM computer. Though Packard was later to achieve fame for inventing the concept of the expensive printer cartridge, those in the know are convinced that his time navigating the memory gates of that first electronic behemoth formed the basis of the original "Tron." How true this is, I do not know, but it's hardly surprising to insiders that the great Polish director Kieslowski would choose a remake of this original story as his comeback venture. Kieslowski, best known in Poland as the inventor of the color film, has always sought to recover the humanity that the Polish people felt was lost when they gave up the double-entry bookkeeping system shortly after World War II. And, truly, what better way than to team with the "FX" wizards at Disneyland and leave nothing but a immense plain of scorched eyeballs in their wake? But does it work? Until that wonderful rascal Willie Nelson burst fullblown like a chaw-cheeked Venus upon the screen, I had my doubts. But the moment Nelson (as Packard-like engineer "Wink" Winkerbean) "dismounts" from his "light cycle" and grins at the camera we know we're like babies snugly and securely pinched between his huge, dope-stained fingers.  There seems to be no line that Nelson cannot improve by his growly, stentorian delivery (e.g. "I did not know. I DID NOT KNOW!!!"). Somewhat more perplexing was the choice of newcomer Boy Sting as his son "Dingo." Mr. Sting, who rose to prominence largely due to a YouTube video in which he is seen ejecting pickles from his bottom while "beatboxing" to  Cee-Lo's "Forget you", is not (to put it kindly) a "natural" actor. Every line he delivers sounds like a cat force-fed helium and slowly strangled with a string of stale red vines. And if I'm not mistaken, there happens to be another performer with the same surname, whose dignity cannot be impugned by this turdlet of a talent (as a fan of Sting lute music can attest, the man has nothing more to prove and can retire to his chateau to finish the sonnet cycle on the Vedic bards we all await with bated breath). But even the guinea-pig like squealings of the lesser Sting cannot detract from the sheer ferocious intelligence of Mr. Kieslowski's script. And those of us who have already installed track-lighting are well on our way. Tally Ho!

Ugly Duckling

BlackSwan (2010)

Starring: Natalia Portman, Milan Kundera Directed by: Darrell Arfelofsky Rating: R Genre: Horror

Review Fascinating remake of Shirley McClain's standout directing debut "The Turning Point" casts human sliver Portman as  "BlackSwan," a Russian agent in charge of decimating the backlog of American prima ballerinas in a desperate attempt to restart the Cold War. The film Arfelofsky ("Fountain: The Ayn Rand Story") has apparently wanted to make since he was a child. Cold as a Smirnoff ice house and just as glittering, this brilliant shard of a movie carved up the part of my brain that stayed engaged with it as thin a fine prosciutto. One doesn't "like" an Arelofsky movie - one just goes, sees, and is conquered.

Deaf in Venice

The Tourist (2010)

Starring: John Depp, Angelina Jolie, Richard Jenkins Directed by: DIRECTOR Rating: RATING Genre: GENRE Other Count Florenz von Donner Ziefeld

Review The great otherly-abled English boor  Boswell Johson once informed Queen Elizabeth that "both fish and guests stink after three days" but in that, as in so many other ways, he has been proved wrong yet again as mega-stars John Depp and Angelina Jolie rend the veil between acting and being as a pair of Americans who turn Venice (Italy) into a land of mystery and romance. Depp, whom we last saw as a murderous C.S. Lewis in "The Ripper", plays "Lance," a deaf-mute attorney with a facial tick who meets Jolie ("Envelop Me") in a communal sauna (known as a "vaporetto") when they both end up in the same towel. I won't give away the surprise, but let's just say that things are not quite what they seem with either of them, or Italy itself. Jolie is a dangerous actor who can steal the skin off a cat, dye it purple and sew it back on before the feline can order a half-decaffeinated soy chai, so German director von Ziegfeld ("The Lumpen") knew he needed what they call "weight" in the business. Rumor has it that the count had to buy Depp's way out of a Marseille prison. But it's all up there on the screen. Delightful scenery, mystery, strangely uncomfortable sexuality and suspense make this a delightful way to waste a Friday night. Congrats all around!

Enceintevized

DUDE DATE (2010)

Starring: Jack Black, Robert Downey  Directed by: Sean Phillips  Rating: R  Genre: Comedy

Review The great French philosopher Henry Bergson once defined comedy as "tragedy plus humor." Dude Date is a bit o'  Christmas fun with Jack Black back in form as a sleek walrus pup man-child shepherding the righteous Bob Downey through a series of hilarious escapades ending in a huge comedy action scene designed to astound and delight. The right medicine for a holiday filled with unemployment, murder, madness and the threat of future taxation. I may have to reconsider Mr. Downey's previous work in the light of his serious commitment to finding the deep truths that lie like gems waiting to be discovered in even the most mundane of situations (urinating on your shoes in a public restroom, for instance). Warning: Those sensitive to animal endangerment may want to avoid the middle third of this flick (a dog is mutilated and partially consumed by Mr. Black) though I am assured that this was all accomplished with a team of French special effects experts.

Nein? Nein!

Nine (2009)

Starring: Daniel Day-Lewes, Nicole Kid-Man, Penelope Cruise, Dame Judy Dench, Horatio Sanz, Rip Taylor, The June Taylor Dancers Directed by: Rob Marshall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Musical Other

Review If Ingmar Bergman is Swedish, then Rob Marshall must be Amsterdam and today must be Tuesday because Mr. Marshall is one of the last of the big game hunters left in Holly-wont. Who else would be bold enough to present the life of Sesame Street's "Count" as a musical styled after Marcelo Mastriani's weirdball life as an Italian and an actor at Cinecitta studios making films about sex maniacs in love with giant blonde Swedish actresses? Daniel Day-Lewes ("New York Murder Company, Inc.", "My Beautiful Foot") stars as the caped nightsucker whose obsession with numerology here is represented by scantily-clad globally-dispersed stars ranging from the fabulous Linda Hunt (as a crazy prostitute who eats children) to the gorgeous Sophia Loren (who plays a crazy prostitute who makes love to religious icons). I admit I was never quite clear what was going on, or who was singing or why, but Marshall made me so confident that he knew what it was about it that I slept quite comfortably. It won't be for everyone but those who could never watch the "Street" without wondering what it might have looked like dubbed by a drunken genius who has run out of ideas might find this just the ticket for a late afternoon work break.

The Gland That Time Forgot

Did You Hear About The Parkinsons? (2009)

Starring: Hugely Grand, Sarah-Jessica Michelle Gland Directed by: Marky Marc Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Drama Other

Review After Gland ("Sin-derella", "The Sixties And Their Discontents", "Porpoise-Eaters") witnesses Grand strangling a prostitute during a payoff gone wrong, the two hightail it out of Gotham only to land in a small town besieged by insane hill people. Presposterous, violent, stupid and sexy, this seemingly-forgotten Christmas flick has it all. I won't give away the shock ending but suffice it to say you'll never try to catch a glimpse of your anus in a floor-to-ceiling mirror again! Check it out!

Complexification Redux

It Is Complicated (2009)

Starring: Merrill Streep, Alex Baldwin, Steve Martin Directed by: Nancy Myers Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Drama Other

Review Former Clinton spokesperson and eighties basketball phenom Nancy Myers returns with another in her series of delightful dramedies about the difficulties that wealthy white women have in finding and hanging onto good Mexican help and sex partners able to keep up with their hectic schedules.  MacArthur "genius" winner Merrill Streep plays Jane Waldo, a wealthy and famous person who often cooks her own meals. After a hilarious run-in with a recalcitrant Brondell heated toilet, Jane is given the "411" by a sassy yet well-educated African-American nurse - her friends were right all along. All of her problems were caused by her jerky ex-husband. Alex Baldwin (the smart one) plays that jerk - Rip Masterson, a wealthy real estate developer with one eye for the ladies, another eye for the market, and (surprisingly) a third eye devoted to mastering the art of shiatsu, or Japanese deep massage (Masterson/mastering is just one of the clever allusions and puzzles Myers litters throughout the articulate and thoughtful script). The only turd in the ointment is Steve Martin's mute architect semi-love interest, "Steve." While Mr. Martin is better known for his theatrical "act" (in which he plays - of all things -  a banjo and tries to suck up to the college kids with references to Tutankamen and smoking) he might have been better advised to actually study both the art of acting and an actual vocally disabled person before sauntering his way onto the set, castanets a-blazing. To the best of my knowledge mute people can read lips, Mr. Martin! Sorry to disappoint you, but I guess MOMSMA (the Museum of Modern Steve Martin Art) will have to get an Oscar on loan again this year (try giving a professionally trained actor, like your friend Mr. Robin Williams, a call. I understand he has one!). Better yet, get started on Bowfinger 2. You were onto something there! One question that turns up repeatedly when discussing this movie is, "who is it aimed at?" Ms. Meyers, you are right to take this as the sling-ed arrow it's clearly meant to be. The truth is the demographic is everyone - from Nelson Mandela to Tiny Tim (the Dickens character, not the deceased ukulele-playing cherub who was reincarnated as art director Tim Burton). Shine on, you crazy diamond. We'll all be lucky to catch just a bit of your reflected glow!

From The Vault - No Fool Like a Young British Fool

Pride and Prejudiced (2005)

Starring: Keira Winslet, Dame Joan Sutherland, Directed by: Mighty Joe Young Rating: RATING Genre: GENRE Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review The British they are different than you and me. Take for instance this prickly bit of pear dug up from the boneyard orchard of 18th century writing which seeks to compare the horrors of being ignored at a fancy dance ball to slavery. Not sure what particular brand of "tea" young director Mighty Joe Young ("King Kong In Love") might have been sipping when he "greenlighted" this thing, but I suggest he take a look at Mr. Stephen Spielberg's "Amadeustad" for a history lesson. Stick that in your british crumpet and smoke it!

His World And Welcome to It

Avatard (2009)

Starring: Siggy Weaver, Sam Worthingham Directed by: James "Jim" Cameron Rating: PG-13 Genre: Sci-Fi Other

Review Just as the Mighty One bestowed upon apes the knowledge of how to bash each other's heads in with their own bones, He seemingly has given James "Jim" Cameron the power to change the way music videos and infomercials will be made until the end of days. What once was Darwin's crazy folly has jumped into Vladimir Ilyich Lenin's hyper-driven super-egg and warped us all into a future where Jar-Jar Binks can seemingly read our minds from the other side of the looking glass, even when we're thinking about something as trivial as the shiny gloss of a really fresh Junior Mint, or loved ones far away, then Junior Mints again. After Einstein's annus mirabilis, we all slapped our collective foreheads when we realized how we'd all fallen for Newton's "apple" scam - the Earth was indeed as round as The Frizzled One's predictions had predicted. Crowds of infuriated Londoners dug up Newton's body and shipped it to France where it probably belonged in the first place, right next to Liebniz' dog-faced boy. In the same way, Mr. Cameron's theory that we live in a "3-D" dimensional world now seems as obvious (for instance, why is it only you notice that your toilet swirl counter-clockwise?). Putting the technical flash aside, Cameron has warped the weft of Sid Field's screenplay rulebook whole cloth, abandoing entire chunks of Platonic "wisdom" for something I have a feeling Mr. Cameron would call "Life." Well what is it, then? Imagine that you had given the Wachowski brothers permission to harvest your skull and hook it up to a giant movie machine housed in a theater shaped like a starship made of M&Ms. Does that help? Yes, there are still actors in Mr. Cameron's brave new world. But don't fall in love with them too much, because I suspect they will not be with us for long. Instead I foresee virtual "harvest farms" where plasmids are raised on the sloughed off cells of hair harvested from the combs of the greats (think Orson Wellies, Jeanette McDonald or, say, a young Wings Hauser). You'll be able to carry the entire Actor's Studio in a small snuff box! I recognize that I may be riding the giddy afterglow of movie magic, but, as this holiday season reminds us, don't look a gift mitzvah in the mouth.

Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem LovelyBones

LovelyBones (2009)

Starring: Matt Damon, Rachel Winslet, Stanley Tucker, Ash Wednesday Directed by: Peter "Pedro" Jackson Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Like a slighty creepy guy sporting a pencil-mustache and red velvet smoking jacket toying with a rich yet subtle Bordeaux, this critic detected notes of tamarind, tobacco and bacon in this fascinating study of the confluence of tragedy and hope. Somelier Jackson ("Mighty Orson Wellies", "The Laird of the Rings", "The Willies") uncorks a jeraboam of pain with real legs and a smooth finish that hints at wet dog rolled in dead sea lion. Based on an unpublished novel by "Little House on the Prairie" author Jim Thompson, the movie stars Little Samantha "Ash" Wednesday as "LovelyBones," a girl who fakes her own death by killing herself and then from the half-life spirit world leads her family to blame a local killer who confesses before he kills again in order to spare everyone another two hours of worry. Jackson, who has proved to be something of a chowderhead lately,  is really onto something here. He reminds me of a land crab wandering across eons of desert only to suddenly make a mad dash into a boiling sea. That hiss you hear is the sound of genius.

Friday Night Special - Night Of a Thousand Cuts

In The Cut (2003)

Starring: Megan Ryan, Marco Ruffantaglio, Keith Bacon Directed by: LaCatherine Breilliant Rating: R Genre: Romance Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review The strange and sexy world of "cutters" (people who cut themselves in order to remind themselves that they have blood) is explored by French director LaCatherine Breilliant ("The Waterlogged Piano", "J'aime Les Murs Salles", "Mon Père a etais Le Dernier Salle Roi de Maroc", "Les Spankings") in this nod to the lush Technicolor "womens" films of Douglas Sirk and Aldo Rey. Megan Ryan plays a writer recovering from an attack of bees incurred after following a bear into the woods who meets enticing Marco Ruffantaglio after he tears his t-shirt while repairing her dumbwaiter. Initially wildly attracted ("your mustache is like the parted hair of a well-groomed yeti"), she begins to suspect that he may have been involved in the ritual killings of a group of itinerant milkmaids. The story, based on a play by German plagiarist Frank Wedekind, is mostly an excuse for Breilliant to crank up the heat between the two stars. And it's true that we haven't seen such varied canoodling since Marlon Brando made "Irish" love to himself in the Jodorowsky-like epic "Missouri Jacks". But Ryan and Ruffantaglio make it work, sweating and struggling like a pair of weasels trying to dig their way out of a bed full of party coats. At four hours an twenty-two minutes, it could well seem a bit self-indulgent, but don't let that scare you off. Breilliant may be a touch "L'amour tojours" but this is one duck whose seductive quack is no decoy.

Christmas Mystery Revealed

Every Body Is Fine (2009)

Starring: Robert Dedeniro, Sam Rockpile, Drawn Buttermore, Katherine La Beckensdale Directed by: Kirk Hammett Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romantic Comedy Other

Review If men are from Mars, then Robert Dedeniro is from Super-Mars. Dedeniro and an exciting cast that includes fine "indie" actors Sam Rockpile ("Pass: The Alan White Story"), Drawn Buttermore ("Thin and Thinner") and Katherine la Beckensdale ("X-Badger", "The Nose Job") jab, jab, jab for two hours and fifty-five minutes before delivering the climactic uppercut about an hour after the last jab. Dedeniro is "Frank" an older gentleman who seems to have taken to sipping from Robert Burton's dark cup of melancholy. After killing and dismembering his wife, he decides, rather than shipping her to each of his four children scattered across the country,  he will deliver them in person. To his surprise, he finds that each of his offspring has troubles of his/her own. Through their shared misery, Frank discovers the humanity that exists in even one's own children and slowly comes to understand his wife's seemingly bizarre Christmas request - the gift she gave was not unlike the wafers he'd unthinkingly been consuming each Sunday before football. Metallica guitarologist Kirk Hammet does a surprisingly deft job of delivering the script, based on an incident related by Dr. Phil, like a fine time-released laxative - before you know what's hit you, you're feeling better than you have in weeks.

Go Ahead. Stare.

Armoralled (2009)

Starring: Columbus Short, Ving Fishburne, Matt Dollard Directed by: "Nimrod" Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Here we go again, kids. Just when you thought product placement had hit an all-time low, along comes action maestro "Nimrod" ("Funguz") one flap down, with a paen to automotive cleaning and buffing products giant Armorall. I won't dignify this extended infomercial with a review, but I'd be remiss if I didn't toss a sharp stick at Messers Stamoulis & Weinblatt who represent slick ad cats "Denizen" who got us into all of this mess in the first place. Well done, gents. What's next - Fred Astaire pitching  vacuum cleaners?

This Fish Is Off

The Slammin' Salmon (2009)

Starring: Michael Clark Pearlman, Chevy Chase, Armand Assante, Jay Rajanthrakor Directed by: Kevin Heffelump Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review The Saturday Night Live crew returns with another character bit taffy pull. Human topo map Michael Clark Pearlman ("The Iron Giant: On Ice!", "The City of Children That Time Forgot To Grow Up", "Flapjacks") stars as a former astronaut-turned-boxer who threatens to kill anyone who will not serve him food. I found this one slightly more amusing than, say, "I'm Pat", "The Weightguesser Guy", "The Two Guys Who Argue over the Copier", "Lunch Money", "Monkey Cheerleaders" or "Crash" but mega-producer Loren Michaels might want to put down his ear medicine long enough to take a quick glance at these half-page "treatments" he's getting from his SNL stable before signing those two-hundred thousand dollar checks with his space pen. There's more to a big-time feature film than a funny wig, Billy Bob teeth and a "green room" stuffed with assistants knitting your Jack Herald terrier Christmas sweaters, Mr. Michaels. You owe it to the thousands of your viewers who see "The Michaels" name above the line as a stamp of authenticity and a guarantee of extended pleasure. Just a thought.

Daydream Believer

My God! (2009)

Starring: Hume Jackman, Seal, Morty Gundy, Trader Vic, Sister Wendy, Mark McGwire, Cantiflas, "Tailgunner" Joe Lieberman, Sir Michael Caine, Thabo Mbeke, Ronaldihno, XZBit Directed by: Peter Roger Rating: PG-13 Genre: Documentary Other: Religion

Review Peripatetic mayfly Peter Roger has finally alighted long enough to bring us a fascinating, thoughtful and ultimately life-affirming examination of the religious beliefs of "the people who count". Celebrities ranging from Hume Jackman ("Ned Kelly's Feet of Flame", "X-Badger!", "The Time of the Crying") to Mexican anti-hero Cantiflas opine on how only a God that was truly fabulous could have designed a world in which they would be born at just the right time to be a famous as possible. As world-class skate artist Tiny Biter says, "the odds of a ceramic that is both durable enough and flexible enough to allow a hundred and sixty-five pound man to molly off the edge of empty swimming pool without high-siding are so astronomical that only a supreme being could have created Isaac Newton so that gravity could exist." While we all know that Isaac Newton was actually an invention of renaissance scientist Roger Bacon, the general line of argument is right on. It's not the job of a film reviewer to take sides, and I won't. But it's hard not to be a believer when gazing into the depthless blue pools that are Sister's Wendy's eyes. Check it out!

From The Vault -There Will Always Be an English Patient

The Anguished Patient (1996)

Starring: Race Fine, Kristen-Scott Thomas, Julie Delpy-ish Directed by: Sir Anthony Mengele Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Like a steel-cage match between Santa Claus, a gorilla, a ninja, a shark, Jesus, Hitler, a pirate and a bear this film is a huge, chaotic and ultimately glorious piece d'theatre. Race Fine ("The Alcoholic Reader", "Marlowe's Magic Beans") stars as an ancient mummy brought back to life when gorgeous and thoughtful Kristen-Scott Thomas rubs her naked body against his bandages. But can love overcome three centuries of dry skin? You owe it to yourself to discover "The Anguished Patient."