Nein? Nein!

Nine (2009)

Starring: Daniel Day-Lewes, Nicole Kid-Man, Penelope Cruise, Dame Judy Dench, Horatio Sanz, Rip Taylor, The June Taylor Dancers Directed by: Rob Marshall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Musical Other

Review If Ingmar Bergman is Swedish, then Rob Marshall must be Amsterdam and today must be Tuesday because Mr. Marshall is one of the last of the big game hunters left in Holly-wont. Who else would be bold enough to present the life of Sesame Street's "Count" as a musical styled after Marcelo Mastriani's weirdball life as an Italian and an actor at Cinecitta studios making films about sex maniacs in love with giant blonde Swedish actresses? Daniel Day-Lewes ("New York Murder Company, Inc.", "My Beautiful Foot") stars as the caped nightsucker whose obsession with numerology here is represented by scantily-clad globally-dispersed stars ranging from the fabulous Linda Hunt (as a crazy prostitute who eats children) to the gorgeous Sophia Loren (who plays a crazy prostitute who makes love to religious icons). I admit I was never quite clear what was going on, or who was singing or why, but Marshall made me so confident that he knew what it was about it that I slept quite comfortably. It won't be for everyone but those who could never watch the "Street" without wondering what it might have looked like dubbed by a drunken genius who has run out of ideas might find this just the ticket for a late afternoon work break.

The Gland That Time Forgot

Did You Hear About The Parkinsons? (2009)

Starring: Hugely Grand, Sarah-Jessica Michelle Gland Directed by: Marky Marc Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Drama Other

Review After Gland ("Sin-derella", "The Sixties And Their Discontents", "Porpoise-Eaters") witnesses Grand strangling a prostitute during a payoff gone wrong, the two hightail it out of Gotham only to land in a small town besieged by insane hill people. Presposterous, violent, stupid and sexy, this seemingly-forgotten Christmas flick has it all. I won't give away the shock ending but suffice it to say you'll never try to catch a glimpse of your anus in a floor-to-ceiling mirror again! Check it out!

Complexification Redux

It Is Complicated (2009)

Starring: Merrill Streep, Alex Baldwin, Steve Martin Directed by: Nancy Myers Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Drama Other

Review Former Clinton spokesperson and eighties basketball phenom Nancy Myers returns with another in her series of delightful dramedies about the difficulties that wealthy white women have in finding and hanging onto good Mexican help and sex partners able to keep up with their hectic schedules.  MacArthur "genius" winner Merrill Streep plays Jane Waldo, a wealthy and famous person who often cooks her own meals. After a hilarious run-in with a recalcitrant Brondell heated toilet, Jane is given the "411" by a sassy yet well-educated African-American nurse - her friends were right all along. All of her problems were caused by her jerky ex-husband. Alex Baldwin (the smart one) plays that jerk - Rip Masterson, a wealthy real estate developer with one eye for the ladies, another eye for the market, and (surprisingly) a third eye devoted to mastering the art of shiatsu, or Japanese deep massage (Masterson/mastering is just one of the clever allusions and puzzles Myers litters throughout the articulate and thoughtful script). The only turd in the ointment is Steve Martin's mute architect semi-love interest, "Steve." While Mr. Martin is better known for his theatrical "act" (in which he plays - of all things -  a banjo and tries to suck up to the college kids with references to Tutankamen and smoking) he might have been better advised to actually study both the art of acting and an actual vocally disabled person before sauntering his way onto the set, castanets a-blazing. To the best of my knowledge mute people can read lips, Mr. Martin! Sorry to disappoint you, but I guess MOMSMA (the Museum of Modern Steve Martin Art) will have to get an Oscar on loan again this year (try giving a professionally trained actor, like your friend Mr. Robin Williams, a call. I understand he has one!). Better yet, get started on Bowfinger 2. You were onto something there! One question that turns up repeatedly when discussing this movie is, "who is it aimed at?" Ms. Meyers, you are right to take this as the sling-ed arrow it's clearly meant to be. The truth is the demographic is everyone - from Nelson Mandela to Tiny Tim (the Dickens character, not the deceased ukulele-playing cherub who was reincarnated as art director Tim Burton). Shine on, you crazy diamond. We'll all be lucky to catch just a bit of your reflected glow!

From The Vault - No Fool Like a Young British Fool

Pride and Prejudiced (2005)

Starring: Keira Winslet, Dame Joan Sutherland, Directed by: Mighty Joe Young Rating: RATING Genre: GENRE Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review The British they are different than you and me. Take for instance this prickly bit of pear dug up from the boneyard orchard of 18th century writing which seeks to compare the horrors of being ignored at a fancy dance ball to slavery. Not sure what particular brand of "tea" young director Mighty Joe Young ("King Kong In Love") might have been sipping when he "greenlighted" this thing, but I suggest he take a look at Mr. Stephen Spielberg's "Amadeustad" for a history lesson. Stick that in your british crumpet and smoke it!

His World And Welcome to It

Avatard (2009)

Starring: Siggy Weaver, Sam Worthingham Directed by: James "Jim" Cameron Rating: PG-13 Genre: Sci-Fi Other

Review Just as the Mighty One bestowed upon apes the knowledge of how to bash each other's heads in with their own bones, He seemingly has given James "Jim" Cameron the power to change the way music videos and infomercials will be made until the end of days. What once was Darwin's crazy folly has jumped into Vladimir Ilyich Lenin's hyper-driven super-egg and warped us all into a future where Jar-Jar Binks can seemingly read our minds from the other side of the looking glass, even when we're thinking about something as trivial as the shiny gloss of a really fresh Junior Mint, or loved ones far away, then Junior Mints again. After Einstein's annus mirabilis, we all slapped our collective foreheads when we realized how we'd all fallen for Newton's "apple" scam - the Earth was indeed as round as The Frizzled One's predictions had predicted. Crowds of infuriated Londoners dug up Newton's body and shipped it to France where it probably belonged in the first place, right next to Liebniz' dog-faced boy. In the same way, Mr. Cameron's theory that we live in a "3-D" dimensional world now seems as obvious (for instance, why is it only you notice that your toilet swirl counter-clockwise?). Putting the technical flash aside, Cameron has warped the weft of Sid Field's screenplay rulebook whole cloth, abandoing entire chunks of Platonic "wisdom" for something I have a feeling Mr. Cameron would call "Life." Well what is it, then? Imagine that you had given the Wachowski brothers permission to harvest your skull and hook it up to a giant movie machine housed in a theater shaped like a starship made of M&Ms. Does that help? Yes, there are still actors in Mr. Cameron's brave new world. But don't fall in love with them too much, because I suspect they will not be with us for long. Instead I foresee virtual "harvest farms" where plasmids are raised on the sloughed off cells of hair harvested from the combs of the greats (think Orson Wellies, Jeanette McDonald or, say, a young Wings Hauser). You'll be able to carry the entire Actor's Studio in a small snuff box! I recognize that I may be riding the giddy afterglow of movie magic, but, as this holiday season reminds us, don't look a gift mitzvah in the mouth.

Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem LovelyBones

LovelyBones (2009)

Starring: Matt Damon, Rachel Winslet, Stanley Tucker, Ash Wednesday Directed by: Peter "Pedro" Jackson Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Like a slighty creepy guy sporting a pencil-mustache and red velvet smoking jacket toying with a rich yet subtle Bordeaux, this critic detected notes of tamarind, tobacco and bacon in this fascinating study of the confluence of tragedy and hope. Somelier Jackson ("Mighty Orson Wellies", "The Laird of the Rings", "The Willies") uncorks a jeraboam of pain with real legs and a smooth finish that hints at wet dog rolled in dead sea lion. Based on an unpublished novel by "Little House on the Prairie" author Jim Thompson, the movie stars Little Samantha "Ash" Wednesday as "LovelyBones," a girl who fakes her own death by killing herself and then from the half-life spirit world leads her family to blame a local killer who confesses before he kills again in order to spare everyone another two hours of worry. Jackson, who has proved to be something of a chowderhead lately,  is really onto something here. He reminds me of a land crab wandering across eons of desert only to suddenly make a mad dash into a boiling sea. That hiss you hear is the sound of genius.

Friday Night Special - Night Of a Thousand Cuts

In The Cut (2003)

Starring: Megan Ryan, Marco Ruffantaglio, Keith Bacon Directed by: LaCatherine Breilliant Rating: R Genre: Romance Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review The strange and sexy world of "cutters" (people who cut themselves in order to remind themselves that they have blood) is explored by French director LaCatherine Breilliant ("The Waterlogged Piano", "J'aime Les Murs Salles", "Mon Père a etais Le Dernier Salle Roi de Maroc", "Les Spankings") in this nod to the lush Technicolor "womens" films of Douglas Sirk and Aldo Rey. Megan Ryan plays a writer recovering from an attack of bees incurred after following a bear into the woods who meets enticing Marco Ruffantaglio after he tears his t-shirt while repairing her dumbwaiter. Initially wildly attracted ("your mustache is like the parted hair of a well-groomed yeti"), she begins to suspect that he may have been involved in the ritual killings of a group of itinerant milkmaids. The story, based on a play by German plagiarist Frank Wedekind, is mostly an excuse for Breilliant to crank up the heat between the two stars. And it's true that we haven't seen such varied canoodling since Marlon Brando made "Irish" love to himself in the Jodorowsky-like epic "Missouri Jacks". But Ryan and Ruffantaglio make it work, sweating and struggling like a pair of weasels trying to dig their way out of a bed full of party coats. At four hours an twenty-two minutes, it could well seem a bit self-indulgent, but don't let that scare you off. Breilliant may be a touch "L'amour tojours" but this is one duck whose seductive quack is no decoy.

Christmas Mystery Revealed

Every Body Is Fine (2009)

Starring: Robert Dedeniro, Sam Rockpile, Drawn Buttermore, Katherine La Beckensdale Directed by: Kirk Hammett Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romantic Comedy Other

Review If men are from Mars, then Robert Dedeniro is from Super-Mars. Dedeniro and an exciting cast that includes fine "indie" actors Sam Rockpile ("Pass: The Alan White Story"), Drawn Buttermore ("Thin and Thinner") and Katherine la Beckensdale ("X-Badger", "The Nose Job") jab, jab, jab for two hours and fifty-five minutes before delivering the climactic uppercut about an hour after the last jab. Dedeniro is "Frank" an older gentleman who seems to have taken to sipping from Robert Burton's dark cup of melancholy. After killing and dismembering his wife, he decides, rather than shipping her to each of his four children scattered across the country,  he will deliver them in person. To his surprise, he finds that each of his offspring has troubles of his/her own. Through their shared misery, Frank discovers the humanity that exists in even one's own children and slowly comes to understand his wife's seemingly bizarre Christmas request - the gift she gave was not unlike the wafers he'd unthinkingly been consuming each Sunday before football. Metallica guitarologist Kirk Hammet does a surprisingly deft job of delivering the script, based on an incident related by Dr. Phil, like a fine time-released laxative - before you know what's hit you, you're feeling better than you have in weeks.

Go Ahead. Stare.

Armoralled (2009)

Starring: Columbus Short, Ving Fishburne, Matt Dollard Directed by: "Nimrod" Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Here we go again, kids. Just when you thought product placement had hit an all-time low, along comes action maestro "Nimrod" ("Funguz") one flap down, with a paen to automotive cleaning and buffing products giant Armorall. I won't dignify this extended infomercial with a review, but I'd be remiss if I didn't toss a sharp stick at Messers Stamoulis & Weinblatt who represent slick ad cats "Denizen" who got us into all of this mess in the first place. Well done, gents. What's next - Fred Astaire pitching  vacuum cleaners?

This Fish Is Off

The Slammin' Salmon (2009)

Starring: Michael Clark Pearlman, Chevy Chase, Armand Assante, Jay Rajanthrakor Directed by: Kevin Heffelump Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review The Saturday Night Live crew returns with another character bit taffy pull. Human topo map Michael Clark Pearlman ("The Iron Giant: On Ice!", "The City of Children That Time Forgot To Grow Up", "Flapjacks") stars as a former astronaut-turned-boxer who threatens to kill anyone who will not serve him food. I found this one slightly more amusing than, say, "I'm Pat", "The Weightguesser Guy", "The Two Guys Who Argue over the Copier", "Lunch Money", "Monkey Cheerleaders" or "Crash" but mega-producer Loren Michaels might want to put down his ear medicine long enough to take a quick glance at these half-page "treatments" he's getting from his SNL stable before signing those two-hundred thousand dollar checks with his space pen. There's more to a big-time feature film than a funny wig, Billy Bob teeth and a "green room" stuffed with assistants knitting your Jack Herald terrier Christmas sweaters, Mr. Michaels. You owe it to the thousands of your viewers who see "The Michaels" name above the line as a stamp of authenticity and a guarantee of extended pleasure. Just a thought.

Daydream Believer

My God! (2009)

Starring: Hume Jackman, Seal, Morty Gundy, Trader Vic, Sister Wendy, Mark McGwire, Cantiflas, "Tailgunner" Joe Lieberman, Sir Michael Caine, Thabo Mbeke, Ronaldihno, XZBit Directed by: Peter Roger Rating: PG-13 Genre: Documentary Other: Religion

Review Peripatetic mayfly Peter Roger has finally alighted long enough to bring us a fascinating, thoughtful and ultimately life-affirming examination of the religious beliefs of "the people who count". Celebrities ranging from Hume Jackman ("Ned Kelly's Feet of Flame", "X-Badger!", "The Time of the Crying") to Mexican anti-hero Cantiflas opine on how only a God that was truly fabulous could have designed a world in which they would be born at just the right time to be a famous as possible. As world-class skate artist Tiny Biter says, "the odds of a ceramic that is both durable enough and flexible enough to allow a hundred and sixty-five pound man to molly off the edge of empty swimming pool without high-siding are so astronomical that only a supreme being could have created Isaac Newton so that gravity could exist." While we all know that Isaac Newton was actually an invention of renaissance scientist Roger Bacon, the general line of argument is right on. It's not the job of a film reviewer to take sides, and I won't. But it's hard not to be a believer when gazing into the depthless blue pools that are Sister's Wendy's eyes. Check it out!

From The Vault -There Will Always Be an English Patient

The Anguished Patient (1996)

Starring: Race Fine, Kristen-Scott Thomas, Julie Delpy-ish Directed by: Sir Anthony Mengele Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Like a steel-cage match between Santa Claus, a gorilla, a ninja, a shark, Jesus, Hitler, a pirate and a bear this film is a huge, chaotic and ultimately glorious piece d'theatre. Race Fine ("The Alcoholic Reader", "Marlowe's Magic Beans") stars as an ancient mummy brought back to life when gorgeous and thoughtful Kristen-Scott Thomas rubs her naked body against his bandages. But can love overcome three centuries of dry skin? You owe it to yourself to discover "The Anguished Patient."

Flat Foxes

The Fanatical Mr. Fox (2009)

Starring: George Coonley, Bill Murray, Angie Dickinson Directed by: Alexander "Pain" Anderson Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other: CGI

Review In 1937 a Hungarian genius named "Mad" George Pal was carving a bar of soap into a more rounded bar of soap when it slipped out of his grip and directly into the mitts of a young feller named Walt Disney. Though nothing came of that particular moment, ten years later Disney created a talking rat, and the rest is history. Or is it? For resident wise-guy Alexander "Pain" Anderson, "history is bunk" and the future is 3-D dimensional computerized robots who will be telling us what to eat, how to drink and where to do our private business (hint: it won't be where you think). Mr. Anderson's current throne of ease is something called "The Fanatical Mr. Fox" and, like Pliny the Elder, I am here to bear witness to the end times so that those who follow us will at least know there were some of us who bore witness to the old ways that people entertained themselves before computers got "virtualized" and racks of "servers" replaced poppy fields in places like Afghanistan and the "Thai" triangle. Looked at rationally, the movie stilll presents "characters" speaking "dialogue" and interacting in "situations" that have a certain level of rising "conflict" resulting in a "climax" resolved in a "denoument." But that's where the similarity between "Foxes" and, say, "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" begins and ends. Mr. Anderson and his ilk have decided that the future belongs to them and those who aren't wearing exoskeletons made of titanium-encrusted iPhones and who have decided to bear their young "live" will have to find another way forward. I'm fine with that. But what about the children? The revolution can start today, and it's battle cry is "no more 3-D dimensional!"

Ninja Ass-in

Fat Ninja (2009)

Starring: Gravy Rain Directed by: McTard Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Super Trooper McTard ("V For Vendela") knows where the bodies are buried and disinters them with tremendous style in this thoughtful consideration of the costs associated with living a life of life-taking. Deaf Korean master chef/fashion model Gravy Rain ("Ghostly Vice Cops 4") stars as a man torn between eviscerating people with a curved shiv and growing lavender in the sun-soaked hills of Manitoba (the "Provence" of  western Canada). I won't give away his decision, but if I'd remembered to bring my reading glasses I'm sure I'd be reporting that Calgary will blossom for years to come. Not much more to say about this one, but before I conclude, I'd like to state how optimistic I am about the number of "foodies" making the jump to the big screen. Without food it's unlikely we'd even be an upright species (not enough protein-based energy), so we all owe a big shout-out to those who prepare it in ways that make it palatable.

Friday Night Special - Paved With Good Intentions

On The Road (2009)

Starring: Vigor Morgenstern, Ash "Scrappy" Montana, Charlene Thorzine Directed by: John Hillerman Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other: Scenes of Apocalypse

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review As the happy Mork-slaughtering hobblits sang, "The road goes ever on..." And does it ever in this misguided "reboot" of the popular post-war "Road To..." series. Originally penned by the bumbling Cohen brothers, former Magnum P.I. star John Hillerman churns Bob and Bing's idyllic butter into rancid sour cream, turning Dotty L'Amour-flavored Bali into a scarred earth that appears to have been bump-mapped from Abe Vigoda's tragic face. Vigor Mogenstern, so good as the mentally-challenged boxer in Peter Jackson's remake of "Fat City" is here teamed with enormously talented youngster Ash "Scrappy" Montana as a pair of fathers and sons who traipse across country searching for the last twinkie in the universe. Not a huge hook to hang this four-hundred minute sombrero upon, but Hillerman does what he can with the Cohens' global-warming nonsense. I personally was left with a tremendous sense of unease, which can't have pleased Mr. Walt Disney or his marketing minions beavering away in their fur-lined hidey-holes at their carpal-tunneling adding machines. And, while I reserve the right to disagree with Hillerman's wrong-minded conclusions, I'd fight an eighteen stone she-badger to defend his right to spout them. All in all, this may not be fatback, but rather very lean Canadian bacon. Those on a spiritual diet may be amused. The rest of us will have to exert enough self-control not to kill the theater staff and burn the mutliplex to the ground. And in the end, maybe that is the point Hillerman is after - conscience makes bastards of us all.

Dog Days

Odd Dogs (2009)

Starring: Robin William, John-John Travolta  Directed by: Walter Fagen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy/Drama Other

Review Passion comes in all sizes and shapes but one thing we can all agree upon is that the ineffable spark that separates love from sexual infatuation can often be found in the damndest places. Senior circuit director Walter Fagen ("Wild Dogs", "Talkers", "Walkers", "Walking and Talking", "Old Talkers", "Talking Dogs", "Hog Walkers") helms this beast with the sure authority of a dingo gnawing a lost baby. Master "caster" Keith Wolfe pulled off a major coup landing veterans Robin William ("Shlomo and the Dude", "The Toy") and John-John Travolta ("Tonka Toy: The Movie", "Stayin' Alive!") who star as a pair of travelling salesmen who are purchased at auction by a pair of seven-year-old twins with hair like spun gold and mouths straight out of "The Last Detail." After a series of hijinks simultaneously hilarious and heart-breaking, the two gents are cast adrift on a giant inflatable porpoise where, after seven days and nights sharing a uric nightcap, Travolta breaks down and begins speaking in tongues. I won't give away the ending, but I have to say that watching masters of any field doing what they do at the top of their game - whether its master bantam rooster breeder Anthony de Piante or Japanese submariner Masaji Hiramatsu - is a sincere pleasure that should not be underestimated. It won't change your mind about Jesus, but it just might get you through the night.

The Blonde Leading the Blonde

The Blind Side (2009)

Starring: Sandra Bollock, Chet Atkins, Quintus Virgilius Grammaticus Directed by: "Hancock" Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other: Other-Abledness

Review With the efficiency of a Japanese Lorena Bobbit working the adulterer's table at a Manassas Benihana's the usually workmanlike "Hancock" ("Hancock's Hancock") cuts through the typical Hollywooden nonsense and soars like a great white pigeon against a luminous blue sky. Newcomer Virgilius Grammaticus stars as "Bronco", a former gridiron great who loses his sightedness after trying to go "both ways" in the big game against the big team. Forced into the only life available to the blind - masseusing -  he developes the devastating ability to play both ends against the middle. Through Hancock's masterful montages (underscored by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir's breathtaking polyphonic "Walking on Sunshine") "Bronco" discovers that as long the middle holds, the ends will grow green shoots, and life will not be denied. Sandra Bollock and Chet Atkins are wonderful as Grammaticus' parents who, though initially rejecting him when he trades the pigskin of the football for the goatskin of a massage table, each lend him a single eye so he throw the big pass that makes the scoreboards explode in ecstasy. Just when you thought the sports movie was the runner who stumbled, "Hancock" forces open its lips, runs his tongue around its mouth clearing obstacles and breathes the sweet Orbit-gum-enhanced breath of life into its stunted lungs. Job well done!

Woolly Thinking

The Mammoth (2009)

Starring: Gael Maria von Sayers, Michelle Williams, Krull Directed by: Lucas Tannerson Rating: NR Genre: Serial Drama Other

Review Like the temptation just before the last temptation of Jesus, I so wanted that tingly, ants-in-your-pants falling-in-love feeling from Lucas Tannerson's latest. Instead I left the theater feeling like I once felt after a dream where I was wearing my sister's underwear, and she was still in it. Tannerson ("Show Me Yours", "Fingerlings") manages to weave 345 completely separate and totally distinct storylines into a coherent whole that slowly, then suddenly reveals what God meant when he invented the platypus. Gael Maria von Sayers ("Loving Me a Dead Woman", "Los Dos Novias de Los Dos Hermanos Sacerdotes") is excellent as an absent-minded archaeologist who, while in the midst of reconstructing an ancient Giant Cowasaurus, remembers that he's left his daughter with Michelle Williams. The ensuing tragedy seems just a little off, like a bar of cream cheese with a small patch of blue-green fuzz. Not inedable, but not really appetizing. Tannerson is a skeeballer who valiantly tries for the 50 hole, but ends up with a fistful of nothing. That said, it's great to see the fabulous Charles Ruggles again, even if only as a bearskin rug.

From The Vault - Endgame

Up In Smoke (1978)

Starring: Chich and Chach Directed by: Sir Peter Hall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Austere dark comedy from the master of misery stars siamese twins Chich and Chach as a pair of ne'er-do-wells trading insults and a kind of desperate love as they wait for their "pusher" to arrive. While not for everyone, those who are willing to brave the spare landscape of the mind will not be disappointed. Bravo Sir Peter!

The Day The Earth Jumped About

2012: The Year That Time Forgot (2009)

Starring: John Le Cuisak, Tandy Beal Newton, Rebecca Romero Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review Like an MMO (massively mutiliated objects) version of Gnip-Gnop played with the flayed corpses of people not beautiful enough to become movie stars and too dumb to stay away from the John Robert Powers modeling agency, Wolfgang Petersen's 2012: The Year That Time Forgot keeps score the old fashioned way. Petersen, who is perhaps best remembered for his taut submariner flick Das Boot (The Boot), appears to have taken long-time friend and confident Uma Merkel's advice and "gone for the gold," with a film so dumb it it should have been narrated by Wilf Errel's belly button. Former teen idol John Le Cuisak ("The Seven Kingdoms", "Wish I'd Said That") drops lead guitar duties just long enough to dance, prance and dangle puppet-like in front of a "green" screen so that he can be digitally inserted into whatever action-packed scenic fissure Petersen thinks he might fit, which may account for his growing likeness to a vagrant stumbling into a walrus pelt enrobed in salt-encrusted chocolate. Clearly my mind wandered into sad and gossipy places while considering Mr Petersen's filmus terribilus.  With all that said, what ends up on the screen is palpably thrilling with (spoiler alert!) special effects unrivaled since "The Dark Crystal" stole the souls of young 'uns everywhere. As the "Dramatics" so ably put it lo those many years ago "if what you're looking for is real loving, then what you see is what you get." How many of our significant others can live up that? If The Germinator can deliver us for four or five hours from the tragedy that is global warming by presenting the earth destroyed in both fire and ice, I say bring on like a naughty spanking to a rich, impotent old man!

Friday Night Special - Nine Is Too Much

The Ninth Song (2004)

Starring: Modesty Blaise, Rod Snow Directed by: Michael Vintnerbottom Rating: Unrated Genre: Explicit Romance Concert Movie Other: Distasteful Sexual Scenes

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review As a sage of my aquaintance once told me after visiting a special "show" in Tijuana "just because you can do something doesn't mean you should." Though I've seen dogs bathe parts of their bodies that make me question how there can be a God, I never quite understood the wisdom of this magus until I watched Michael Vintnerbottom's "The Ninth Song." Young hairless monkeys Modesty Blaise and Rod Snow "star" as a couple who meet at a "Wham" concert and spend the next seventy minutes playing tetris with various body parts, some of which I found myself unable to identify even on my anatomically-correct BatKat-customized Barbie and Ken dolls. Vintnerbottom, whose previous efforts included "The Laurence Sterne Experiment" and "Legend of Boggy Creek: The Road to Guantanamo" has produced something so romantically reductive that it makes the funk band Slave's "Snap Shot" seem like something Elizabeth Barett Browning might have sent Robert by donkey. It might be appropriate if you're studying for a pre-med midterm. Otherwise give this one a pass and download "Romancing the Stones."

Area Dumby-Dumb

The Four Kinds (2009)

	Starring: Millyov Smirnov, Will Paxton Directed by: Olatunde! Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other
Review I'm familiar with Man, Woman and late-era Billy Murray, but former "Flaming Drums" congero-turned-director Olatunde would have us believe that, like a german linguist, carrot-topped gargoyle Millyov Smirnov has discovered yet another gender lurking in the weeds. After Rue Paul and former Senator William Proxmire, what more is there to say about alien abductions? Nothing. So I won't.

A Very Wary Christmas

A Christmas Carol (2009)

	Starring: Jim Carrot, Colin Filth Directed by: Steven Spielberg Rating: G Genre: Holiday Other
Review Talk about Christmas in July! Hollywont's atheists refuse to learn - it's all about the scripts folks! And this one reads like A Very Brady Christmas penned by Sherwood Schwartz's lobotomized devil twin. Jim Carrot looks old, sad and tired, and Colin Filth is almost unrecognizeable as a singing andiron. Should have gone straight to the vidiots!

See Me Twat!

After enduring a virtual festival of mockery from my nephew Wes, I've entered the "twentieth century" and begun twattering. Those of you who have been loyal readers know how I value my privacy, but there seems no reason not to share both my love of film and my hatred of the phony hypocrisy of the "goofs in suits" who talk on their "I-Phones" while driving (illegally!) in their "Beemers" and "Audis".

So feel free to join me in showing Wes "how it is done" and don't hesitate to twat me back! I can be found on Twatter under my "handle" oswaldfilms.

All Hands on Deck!

Synecdoche, New York (2008)

Starring: Philip Seymour Damon, Parker Posey, Dame May Witty Directed by: I. Charles Kaufman Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review While I usually seal myself off in the Film Pit to watch movies I'm considering reviewing, I caught this one at my periodontist's on a luscious pre-release pair of Mikimoto Bean I-Glasses. It seemed appropriate to have my gums defiled as I watched I. Charles Kaufman's Synecdoche, New York, a film so moving that I kissed Dr. Singer straight on the lips and asked him to marry me. Philip Seymour Damon ("I, King Kong") stars as a director so talented that he casts himself as everyone in the world, and so lonely that no one can understand him except the little man he keeps in his shirt pocket. And when he lets the little man out onto the palm of his hand, the little man begins to cry. And what does that lonely little man have in its pocketses? Another lonely, weepy little man!. I was reminded of the great Sergei Eisenstein's Battleship Potemkin more than once, though even if prodded with something electric and painful I'm not sure I could say why. Strange though it sounds, Kaufman makes me feel sad that I'm not in his pants. To be honest, due to the double dose of gas the good doctor provided me ("I may have to remove most of your jaw", I think he said at one point) I'm not one hundred percent sure I actually saw this movie, or if it even exists. If not, then I'd like to claim these ideas as my own. Please comment and let me know if I should get on Orbitz immediately and prepare my big pitch to the shark suits!

Friday Night Special - Fly, Robin Fly!

There's Something About Ameilia (2009)

Starring: Hilary Swunk, Sir Richard Gear Directed by: Catherine Breillat Rating: R Genre: Action Other: Female Flying Pantsuit

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Florid fever-dream troweled onto the screen by mad French pornographic "madame" Catherine Breillat. Hilary Swunk ("Lungs Are The Only Things") stars as a female version of bizarre fascist boytoy Sir Arthur Limburg who decides that she will cure the world of child abusers by flying around it without stopping. Swunk can be touching, particularly when she's dressed in her grey flightsuit, but Sir Richard Gear ("I Love All of Myself So Much", "American Gigolo in Paris") is miscast as a human businessman. And Breillat doesn't seem to understand that flying involves forcing air OVER the wings of the machine until it achieves lift. There's none of that kind of technical detail that would lead us to believe Amelia is actually "flying." Instead, we get endless dull "sex" scenes in which leaden Italian stallion Rico Suave seems bent on exposing his epiglottis to the back row. While it's clear that a woman could indeed fly a plane until it runs out of fuel, I'm not convinced that this woman could carry off such a feat. And without that willing suspension of disbelief that thoughtful spacemonkey Jim Carrey endlessly carries on about, it's difficult to believe that the twenty-five frames that burn our eyes every two seconds cohere into a story that will make us hold it in until we can't hold it in any longer. Verdict? Stay home and delight in the sexy petticoats of Miss Julie Andrews as she seduces the heck out of Dick Vandycke in Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.

I'll Take Door Two, Clive

Le Box (2009)

Starring: Mare Winningham, Tuck Plugsden, James Cocoa Directed by: Richard Keily Rating: R Genre: Thriller Other

Review Put down the crack pipe, Richard! This whacked-out "suspenser" remake of the flick that forced Kim Basinger to buy an entire Georgia town and burn it to the ground, from an unpublished short story by Ernest Hemingway plays like a Twilight Zone episode that lasts for three days and three nights, and then three more days. Disfigured Russian cosmonaut James Cocoa ("Big Night")  rides a frozen urine icicle down from the space station and lands in Winningham and Plugsden's backyard. They discover a strange box in his unconscious space pants and must decide whether to kill him, or kill him and win a million dollars. Should be just what the doctor ordered for Keily, who hasn't been the same since he went through "the change." Check it out!

Afro-Selectric!

My Preciousss (2009)

Starring: Mo'Nique, Jimi Hendrix Directed by: Bill Cosby Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Finally! the kind of meat-and-potatoes movie the old Hollywood  system used to make when the studio heads cracked the whip and actors were told who to date. Director Cosby ("The Love Bug" "Hadrian The Seventh") adapts dessicated Scots landcrab Ewan McGregor's "African Typing Pool" novels into a joyous feast for the whole family. While Africanish people still are not allowed to write about themselves, it's good to see that they have been allowed "behind the camera." Congrats to the Great White Suit who greenlighted this one!

From The Vault - Roman Holiday

Gladiators (2000)

Starring: Rumply Crow, Richard Harris Directed by: Riddidly Scott Rating: R Genre: Action Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Director Scott's take on the sword-and-sandals flick plops bloated meat puppet Rumply Crow ("The Fornicators") smack dab in the middle of a Nike commercial, only instead of ripply athletes sweating green mucus, Crow shows his acting chops by spitting out real blood and teeth. Eschewing the traditional fat suit, Crow purportedly put on eighty pounds through daily injections of Crisco, though this doesn't explain the pulsing fat ring around his tonsured skull. I'm not sure about this one. The film's exciting enough, but when emperor Biggus Diccus (played by Smiths lead singer Morrison) nails Crow's bulldog "The Kraken" to the Coliseum and Crow's good eye begins to throb, the Bronsonian fireworks to come are all too obvious. And I cannot decide if the choice of composer Esquivel was inspired or merely mad, but it did provide a odd discordancy to the many an action sequence. There's no question that Scott knows how to play a disembowlment set piece but, as the great Norma Shearer once said "it's the pictures that got small." Look for a cameo by Mike Meyers as an Ethiopian Princess. The man is the Lon Chaney of his generation.

Get Thee Behind Me Bergman

Anti-Christ (2009)

Starring: Wilhelm Dafoe, Carlotta Rampling Directed by: Lar Von Trier Rating: R Genre: Drama Other: Accents

Review Afro-Swedish person Von Trier is a mad genius, whose previous provocations "Motion Sickness", "Dogtown" and the Wilf Errell vehicle "Oldboy" have proven without a doubt that Schopenhauer was right when he complained in his essay on noise that "a wagonful of dung can kill in the bud a thousand minds." His latest, "Anti-Christ", asks the question "is Wilhelm Dafoe a human or is he a muppet formed from the molted remains of some kind of human/insect hybrid"? No easy answers here.  Instead, the chubby Swede with the naturally glossy eyebrows challenges us to watch the screen for five hundred and fify-three straight minutes until we long for the days when human hairs trapped between the celluloid and the projector's lamp jumped and danced for our amusement. Of course Von Trier IS the eponymous anti-Christ of the title. Christ was a gentle, loving man who understood our need for wine at critical times in our gestation. Von Trier wisely offers us no other narcotic than the luminous byproduct of his furious cranium. By the halfway point most of the bussed-in children and their foreign exchange counterparts had already left the theater, and those that remained showered the adults in the first two rows with Jujubees until one elderly gentleman threatened an usher with some kind of wolf-headed cane. And by the time Dafoe's flaking carapace made love to similarly Triscuit-skinned French/English cannibal Carlotta Rampling, one half the crowd was singing Queen's masterpiece "Bohemian Rhapsody" in a round while the other half had pinned the projectionist under the handicapped seating and appeared to be trying to tear him in half with a series of slings made of red whips. It's the kind of thing that won't show up in the box score the next day, but the film-scholar Sabremetricians of the future will surely mark its significance. I had to leave a bit early, but I was definitely curious how it all worked out. Can any filmmaker ask more?

Through the Smooching Glass

The Mirror Has Two Phases (1996)

Starring: Barabra Streisand, Dennis Quaid Directed by: Lauren Bacall Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romance Other: Frank Sensuality

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review When twilight time is nigh and the kiddies have drifted off to slumberland, that's the time I like to call "Barabra Time" because rarely has La Dama De Las Camelias let me down. And "The Mirror Has Two Phases" delivers like bacon-breath at a hoedown. First-time director Lauren Bacall ("To Have or Not To Have") wisely just gets out of the camera's way and lets the chemicals spurt forth in all their spouty grandeur. Lucky Dennis Quaid ("Oh Brother!", "Capricorn and Hotpants") must have gone through a Costco-sized case of lip balm to get through this shoot as he proves time and time again to Barabra's "Rose" Morgan, a prissy schoolmarm with a marmot for a heart and legs like Abe Lincoln ("just tall enough for my pants to stay on"). By the time Quaid figures out that "Rose" isn't a man, it's too late. He's already in love! Featuring Oscar-winning song "Sleeping With My Mirror 'Cause It Looks Like Me", the flick is guaranteed to to have both of you waking up inside a single nightshirt. I guarantee it!

From The Vault - Lilac Time

PurpleReign (1984)

Starring: The Prince, The Prince Directed by: Alberto Magnolia Rating: R Genre: Musical Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review The One-Formerly-Known-As-Some-Kind-Of-Weird-Symbol-Like-Thing burst upon the scene like a purple dandelion spraying its allergy-inducing achenes machine-gun fashion into the eye-and-earholes of a stunned generation. But just as the milky-white liquid that flows from the crushed stems of this leafless flower are bitter, so was the youth of our foppish maestro. The Prince was clearly raised to blow the roof off the sucka, but like all great artists of his age (e.g. George Clinton, Stephen Hawking) he had to bleed so that others could live off of his blood while he could only suffer the little children. We know all of that, so what does "PurpleReign" bring to the party? Gigantic Amazon Dumbell Appollonia, for one. She strides across the screen like a collossus, The Prince hanging from her hip like some withered siamese twin. Not since The Stingk ("Before Guitar Hero: The John Dowland Story") managed to mangle his only three words in "Dune" has an actor so confused the trochaic and anapestic meters. Ever the contrarian, Prince introduced an entire generation to Morris Day and Jerome's diaper dance - for what were we in those days if not petulant teenagers unready to leave the dance floor even when nature's call was announced via  bullhorn? And thus was revealed the secret of "Hammer Time"! Obviously I was enthralled by this movie. Watching it again via XBox360/Netflix's wonderful "Party" mode with my significant other, we felt as though our tongues were meeting across 5000 miles of the internet's magical tubes. The Prince has a way of making us all feel as though we were little, little people climbing on top of sexier, bigger people and those bigger people are not complaining because we are so talented, rich and famous. If only James Brown had been twice as crazy and half as small, there might not have been a need for the Velour Viking. Thank god he never was!