Sweet Emotion

I Can Be Bad By Myself (2009)

Starring: Hope Lange, Steven Tyler Perry, Eddie Wizzard Directed by: Steven Tyler Perry Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Somewhat predictable, but enjoyable flick about a group of juvenile deliquents forced by an enormous cross-dressing termigant (Eddie Wizzard ("Bloody Beatle") into acting as butlers to a spoiled princess (a story clearly based on the late, great mouser, Eartha Kitt). Of course in the end everyone learns the golden rule but as Gandhi never let us forget, it's the journey, not the destination. I've got to hand it to former Journey helmsman Steven Tyler Perry ("Any Way You Want Your Big Seven Inch"), I didn't think he had it in him. But with age sometimes comes wisdom, and the broken hearted man-girl with the cloven tongue and the soft, soft hands digs deep here. Credit where credit is due.

Out on Disk - Civil Warriors

Azumi 2: Death or Love (2009)

Starring: Aye Ueto, Yuma Ishigaki Directed by: Shusuke Keneko Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review Two young assassins are all that stand in the way of civil war in this tense actioner from Keneko. Ueto and Ishikagi are still excellent the second time around, but the sophisticated story and character exposition of the first movie seem to get pushed aside as the action comes center stage. First rate fighting and great cinematography and sound, but something's missing here. Probably only for Keneko fans as those unable to slake their thirst for the Azumi story.

From The Vault - Doin' It Comancherero-Style!

Comanchereros! (1961)

Starring: John Wayne, Stuart Whitman Directed by: Michael de Kurtz Rating: PG Genre: Action/Adventure Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers.  Review Wayne and Whitman together again! Director Michael de Kurtz' classic western pits the dynamic duo against the entire Mexican army as they attempt to steal Emperor Maximilian's massive supply of Tequila from giant storage tanks hidden inside an active volcano. Lovely Maude Frickert plays "Comanchita," the governor's daughter with a heart of gold and a groin of steel. Whitman's finest role of the decade. Check it out!

(Don't) Try To Remember

September Song (2009)

Starring: Lady Ann Winokur Directed by: R.J. Cutlery Rating: PG-13 Genre: Sad Romance Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Remember Lady MacBeth?  When we last saw Shakespeare's ("Hamlet") Mistress of Mayhem she was washing her hands obsessively in a sink full of Scottish awful. I couldn't help but be reminded of the sad decline of this fancy lady as I watched R.J. Cutlery's wistful "September Song," a fantasy about a lady so awful in life that God made her dead while she was still alive. She skulks like a shriven femme-homunculus through the world, tragically convinced that she rules an empire of Sansabelt slacks. I must admit I am not familiar with Lady Ann Winokur's previous work, but so convincing is she as "Handmaiden to the Devil's Teat" that I tried to find out what she really looks like under the latex by looking her up on IAMDB. No luck (Wuz up wit dat, IAMDB? Running out of flying-monkey interns?!). Winokur's gnarled hand-claws alone were so terrifying that I had to sleep with a nightlight (at one point, convinced in a semi-stupor that she was slithering her way up my nightshirt I managed to kick my signif-other's geriatric feline across the room and into our undie hamper). I commend Cutlery for taking on such a taboo subject, but I must say it's not for everyone. As a Friday night date movie, I think it might miss the mark, and datesters could find themselves on the couch or the drunk tank. Instead, I recommend re-renting "The Music Man" and relive tough guy Robert Pressman feeling up loverly Shirley McClain under the Yum-Yum tree to the sound of 101 Trombones!

Storm Warning!

White Out (2009)

Starring: Victoria Beckhamsdale, Sir Tom Skkerit Directed by: Dominico de Sena Rating: R Genre: Action/Adventure Other

Review Like a turkey in the rain the parched action-adventure fan waits patiently for the summer season to wind down so that the "real" fun can begin - and begin it does with Dominico de Sena's ("Halibut") latest police procedural thriller. Victoria Beckhamsdale ("Krull: Dance With Me") stars as a cop with a past who, after pissing off her Lieutenant (Simon Oakland) one too many times finds herself checking parking meters in Antiarctica. Before she can beat her first harp seal to death she's plunged into a race to find a killer before the earth is plunged into total darkness. De Sena's muscular angularity and Ozu-like focus lend to what could be a common "policer" a crazy majesty. In one chilling (!) scene, villain Skkerit ("Crazy Willie and the Hand Jive", "The Detectivist") dressed in one of those goofy Peruvian droopy hats is shot from below the ice against a backdrop of Mount Erupto, kicking Mozart's ("Ode To Joy") "Ode To Joy" on an alpenhorn. What Beckhamsdale lacks in heft she more than makes up for in sheer tape-measure neck. I expect big things from this lissome lass who can kick some *ss. Bend it Beckhamsdale, indeed!

In The Land of the Blind the 3D-Dimensional King is King!

GForce The Movie (2009)

	Starring: None Directed by: None Rating: PG Genre: Animated Other: 3D-Dimensional
Review I wish I could tell you something, ANYTHING about GForce The Movie, but all I saw before I passed out was some flashing, blurry primary colors. Apparently I have a condition which prevents me from wearing the glasses used to view movies in 3D-Dimensional. I gather this involved some kind of "A-Team" of hamsters, but I guess I will never know.  Let me know what you think!

Summer Daze

The 500 Days Of The Summer (2009)

Starring: Zooey Salinger von Keaton, Haley Joe Levin Directed by: The Web Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Who would have thought that someone who calls himself "The Web" (like The Sting) would produce the most thoughtful and delightful romantic comedy of the summer? Kooky, kicky zooey Salinger von Keaton ("Butterflies Are Free 2") and Haley Joe Levin ("The Dead Have Eyes") star as star-crossed lovers who must overcome her intense dislike of him in order to discover what it is about him that needs to be changed. To complicate matters, von Keaton is short-term-memory-otherly-abled and keeps forgetting who Levin is. The twist is that she's initially attracted to him and only slowly discovers that she hates him. But then, bing, The Web "jump-cuts" and we're right back to where we were. If all that sounds  confusing, it is. But who cares? The lobster (spoiler alert!) escape scene is hilarious and when von Keaton, slim and boyish as a young Ricky Schroedinger ("Cats"), bats her truck-tire-sized peepers, who can resist? Not me. I give this one a big sloppy end-of-summer kiss. Enjoy!

Animal Passion Amongst London's Ludderati

Unmaid Beds (2009)

Starring: Axl Rose, Deborah France Directed by: Alex Dos De Santos Rating: R Genre: Foreign Other

Review Coming out in limited release this week is Alexis Dos De Santos' ("Give The Devil His Backbone") second movie to date. Santos, a foreigner, gives us two hilarious "Generation Y" bedhead-bewigged losers struggling to discover what love might possibly mean if they were actually to turn into forest animals. What does it all mean? Dos De Santos (which means "Two of those Saints" in his native Chilean) seems to imply that the younger generation can only relate to each other by wearing the skins of dead animals. While I don't necessarily agree, I have to admit that I find the idea fascinating. Dos de Santos' fantasy is populated with a panoply of whacky losers and thud-footed dopes - the kinds of kids one sees trying to sell their kidneys to anyone who looks even vaguely medical down at the bus station, and who insist that a jar of urine represents the mytho-magical essence. The movie can seem a bit "twee" at times as director has his characters run through the usual French Neo-vague claptrap, but don't let that keep you and your lover away. There's something here for everyone who's ever had to brush away the cockroaches before settling down for a brisk sensual rendezvous. And London has never looked so inhabitable! Check it out!

Game On!

GAMER (2009)

Starring: Jock McGregor Directed by: Mark Taylor Rating: R Genre: Action Thriller Other

Review Sexy Jock McGregor ("The 3 Hundreds") plays "Boner", a lone wolf game designer locked inside a game he designed but cannot escape without the help of young gaming genius "Booger" (played ably by a remarkably well-preserved Red Buttons ["Red Dawn"]). Booger "plays" Boner as a character in a Donkey-Kong-like side-scroller - but here the barrels and gigantic maddened gorillas are for real! Long-time readers know how acerbic I can be about shoddy special effects (see my review of Toy Story, if you can stand the heat!), but here they work, as the pixelated, "green-screen" action replicates the seizure-inducing hysteria of Antari's gaming masterpiece. I've praised the hunky McGregor for past work, but here he's a revelation as the man without a past, a genius so smart he created a game with no solution -- except Death! The twist is (spoiler alert!) only a mildly-otherly-mentally-abled child whose synapses have fused directly to his wrist ligaments can unlock the " master stage" and defeat the "Boss" (grotesquely shriveled one-time actor John Turturro) that leads McGregor out. There's one more twist (think "2001: A Space Odyssey"), but I won't give it away because I want to encourage you to check out this thoughtful, spine-tingling indie screener. But if you have any questions about your wife's fidelity, leave her at home with the ugliest babysitter you can find! Jock McGregor is a definite home-wrecker!

Remember Me?

The Time Traveler and The Wife (2009)

Starring: Eric Banana, Rachel  MacAdam Directed by: Anton Litvak Rating: PG-13 Genre: Romance Other

Friday Night Special - Friday Night Special is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies that we feel may be of particular interest to those special lovers looking for that magical mood-setter of a date flick that just might ignite the passions bubbling under the surface during the last work day of the week. Is this "The One"? Or just "One of Those Things?" Let us be your guide! Review Have you ever wished you could just disappear in the middle of an argument with your significant other? Eric Banana ("The Day They Shot the Olympics") does just that in Anton Litvak's charming and insignificant trifle of a sci-fi love story. Banana plays Haven Mergatroyd (get it?), an architect who, for no particular reason, occasionally spazzes out and travels through time. Litvak ("The Shop On The Corner") handles this odd affliction with sensitivity - referring to it only obliquely as a "disease." Love interest MacAdam ("Under Atlantis") pouts and frets while the hubby is away, writing down conversations with a Sharpie on every bit of blank skin, trying to keep track of who last said what so that the moment the bonehead returns they can pick up where they left off. This creates such odd juxtapositions as Banana complaining to MacAdam that his "space stick" is stale... in 1995! Of course you've seen this all before (remember?), but don't let that stop you from "traveling" to your local theater and sucking the delicious cherry filling from this frothy bonbon! Chewbacca says "hairy thumbs up!"

Hippy Dippy

TastingWoodstock (2009)

Starring: Yakov Smirnov, Gene Simmons Directed by: Anne Leigh Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review Annie Leigh ("Higher and Higher", "Gilbert and Sullivan Take Manhattan") tries to take us back to a place we never were in her dippy "reload" of the sixties as seen through the eyes of the oddly well-preserved Yakov Smirnov and about a million dirty perverts who thought a good time involved smearing your "mate" with pig muck and dancing alone in circles until "the man" brought you "down" from your "trip" with a swift kick to the jubjubs. Well, Annie, unlike everyone else,  I was there -  and I can tell you it certainly was NOT the gentle paean to dumb cluck Timmy Leery's idea that you could "tune into the turn on." I came home with so many lice that to this day I cannot see a spot of dandruff without striking out at anything within three feet of my person. To paraphrase the great Willy Neilsen ("Neilsen Sshlemielsen") sang, "take your dream and shove it!"

G.I. Jerk

G.I. Joe: Cobra Rising

Starring: Nobody Directed by: Dale Carman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other: Closed Captioned; English: Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo

Review The odd and violent world of military "sci-ops" is largely left on the cutting room floor by director Carman ("Donizetti's Carmen") who directs the action as if he were trying to put a cat to sleep by injecting it with a syringe of 100% pure turgidity. The entire movie is shot from below via something called "snake-cam" so that the most memorable image is what looks to be an accidental "up-skirt" of a young man in leather pants attached to what appeared to be two adolescent cantaloupes. Who is this thing for? Certainly not for my, admittedly somewhat elderly, significant other who interrupted the proceedings every few moments by gasping "why is that man trying to inflate that woman?" Stumped, I could only keep feeding her jujubees, one by one, until she stopped breathing (I hadn't realized she had a malt ball blocking her airway). Breathing was not a problem for the half a dozen other denizens of our local cinema - their deafening, stertorous horse-snores almost managed to compete with the monumentally dismal soundtrack, which alternately blared a version of the National Anthem performed by something called "Throg" and a sort of tango music produced by what sounded like bongos made of human skin with the mouth still attached. Hollywood, you strange, sinuous lady. Sometimes your siren call is a peacock screech, reminding us that even the great Orson Wellies could occasionally produce a short, sharp wet willie.

Put Me Out of My Misery!

Final Destination 2009 (2009)

Starring: No one Directed by: Eli Hoste Rating: R Genre: Horror Other

Review Punky creep Ethan Hawkes ("Finally, Paris!") cheats The Grim Reaper in a game of 3-D checkers thereby dooming everyone he's ever known to a horrible death on a broken escalator. Huh? Hawkes, who must be sixty judging by his haggard smoker's skin and obvious hair "plugs," should have given this teen slasher role a pass. Instead he tries to play it like Marlin Brando ("Brando's Fat!") in a wife-beater, mouth-breathing inane lines like "My sister stabs harder than that" as though "Mississippi" Tennessee Williams was stroking his sand-blasted cheek. Ugh.  Mr. Hoste , if you must kill fifty teenagers in 83 minutes, how about at least skinning them for our enjoyment? Give this one a pass....

From The Vault - Two Left Feet, Shamrock-Style

MY LEFT FEET (1989)

Starring: Daniel Daylowes, Brenda Frawley Directed by: Jim Sheridan Rating: R Genre: DRAMA Other

From The Vault - From The Vault is a special feature of Oswald's Screen Scene. Here we present reviews of movies past that we feel might interest, provoke or dismay our readers. Review Typical Irish blarney about a pedally-disabled man whose life is redeemed  when he stumbles and critically injures a drunken leprechaun. Daylowes ("My Beautiful Laundry") has shown glimmers in the past, but here he reminds me a little too much of the  unjustly forgotten Minnesota Lakers center George Mi-kan - all lank, and no speed. Pet Peeve Time: why oh why does Hollywood insist upon the ludicrous notion that a woman clearly years younger than the lead actor can somehow be believable as his mother? Sexy Brenda Frawley ("The Long, Long, Long Trailer") deserves much better.

Distinctly Nein

DISTRICTNINE (2009)

Starring: Justin Cope Directed by: Neal BlomfonKampf Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review This turgid "rethink" of The British Broadcasting Corporation's "The Office" "imagineers" what would happen if a bunch of ne'er do well aliens got stuck in a waiting room that God called "Africa." If your jaw is hanging as slack as mine in disbelief that they're making this YET AGAIN, then give yourself a sweet sweet Nilla wafer. Former Journey guitarist Neal BlomfonKampf ("The Night The Lights Went Down in the City") takes all those 70's heavy metal rock star bucks and converts them to fool's gold krugerands. If he'd bother to put down his "doobie" long enough to learn a bit about the history of film, he would have known that there was a little "flick" in the fifties called "When The Gods Made The Gods Crazy" about... wait for it... a bunch of aliens who fall from an an airplane and... you get the rest. A bit of fatherly advice Mr. BlomfonKampf from someone who's admired your music from afar (an admission - I first made a move on my second cousin on the fold-out rear seat of a VW Squareback to the dulcet tones of Journey's mega-hit "Lady") - if a spaceship could make it across the light years of the galaxy it is highly unlikely it would need to stop for "gas." And even if it did, do you really think that an advanced civilization couldn't figure out that the fossil fuels are concentrated in the MIDDLE EAST?!!! Mr. BlomfonKampf, you committed the cardinal sin of science fiction filmmaking - you forgot the science! That said, there are some lovely performances, including Sharleton Copington's poignant evocation of Boris Karloff ("Targets")  in "The Little House That Was Left" (as a bonus, check THAT one out for chills!).  I may have scolded a bit here, but I encourage Mr. BlomfonKampf to try a couple of commercials to get the hang of this business and return with a fully-baked idea. I'll look forward to it!

Gory Glory

INGLORI*** BASTARDS (2009)

Starring: Brad Pit Directed by: Quint Tarentinino Rating: R Genre: Action Other

Review What is it about history that drives directors so mad? Whatever it is, I hope that history keeps it up because Tarentinino's latest is the kind of crazy magic that only someone like Jimmi Hendrickx ("Hey Jobe")  could summon with a Stratocaster and a lighter - and that only on a good night when the wind came from the west! So what exactly have we got here? Imagine Jesus with a pitchfork, or Mohammed with the middle eastern equivalent of a pitchfork. Consider this dynamic duo poking their way through hoards of ravenous nazis who lose body parts like a newt in a cuisinart. Tarentinino's dirty dozen is led by a scenery-engulfing Brad Pit ("The Miniaturization of Benjamin Button"). Those who follow this reviewer know his disdain for dimwitted portrayals of bacon-grease-inflected southern dunderheads gumming straw and fornicating with prone  foreigners in a moonshine-induced hysteria brought on by lack of sanitary conditions. And Pit nails it! Tarentinino,  clearly sensitive to the holocaust theme, keeps the number of severed genitals within reason, but when it's time to pull out the big guns he remains one of our few american directors unafraid to pull them out. Here he brandishes dialogue like the devil's forked tongue, ripping hilarious riposte after hilarious riposte in a dialogue-fest replete with such aphorisms as "Donald Duck can suck my d**ck." Anyone else reminded of e.e. cummings' ("buffalo bill was a clean man")  "Death of a Ball Turrett Gunner?" Okay, that might be a stretch for a man who put Ving Ramses in an afro but I'm enthusiastic about this effort. That Tarentinino has grown as an artist can no longer be in doubt. I think a real love story cannot be far off now. I, for one, am looking forward to it. BTW Don't miss cameos by Michael Myers ("I Am a Hatchet Murderer") as Sir Winston Churchill and Eli Hoste ("The Host") as the great Jewish leader Ben Gurion. The DVD extras should be a hoot!

Spunky Sleeper

DREAMGIRLS(2007)

Starring: Diane Ross, Ike Turner, Shabadoo Shrimp Directed by: Bill Condon Rating: PG-13 Genre: Musical Other

Review Remember Diane Ross, the sleepy-eyed, drug-addled jazz crooner who rode her sulky voice from bordello to Carnegie Hall? Well, a little thing called Dreamgirls has snuck into town to let you know what you didn't know. Former "Rocky" composer Bill Condon helms this all-singing weepfest with a ham-fisted midas touch. Why there was no buildup to this shocking tell-all tale of talented black women and the rich white men who exploit them my Hollywood connections have been unable or unwilling to give up, but here it is. Fast, furious , angry, sexy and above all, musical - this musical captures the backstage madness that made Motown the "place to be" before Los Angeles was even a twinkle in Michael Jackson's eye. Love it or Hate it, you'd better catch it before it leaves your local cinerama and disappears forever.

I Return, Bloodied But Unboned

At the end of "Now Voyager" Betty Davis turns to sir Paul Heinreid and, after blowing smoke into his watering eyeballs, coos "there is nothing to being blind; it's not being able to taste anything that I cannot stand." I wish I had said that, but I didn't and so all I can say to my longtime readers is welcome back.

As many of you know, after leaving a particularly dispiriting showing of "Van Wider" I vowed never to enter a movie theater again. Shortly after that I met the love of my life, Miss Carly, and moved to St. Louis, Missouri where I found a job programming the scoreboard at the old Busch stadium (a job I found very rewarding if occasionally exasperating). While Miss Carly and I had many good months together in the "Queen City" I discovered that she had begun an "internet" relationship with a  young gentleman from the New Jersey area. By the time his parents installed WebBlocker she had already asked me to move out of her uncle's rumpus room.

I find I must disagree with the "wisdom" of Bob Saget - life is most definitely not a box of chocolates. I consider myself fortunate that I was able to land a temporary job as a professional celebrity mimic,  impersonating the Geico Caveman at parties and company gatherings on the upper Michigan Peninsula. While this may not sound particularly life-affirming to those of you who have never trodden the boards as the neurotic,  hirsute cave "dude" (and this before the smash television show made him famous), I can only tell you that bringing joy to tens of children and business people in such a stunning setting reminded me of the magic the entertainment industry, at its best, can bring us all.

As I was departing a particularly energetic appearance at a retirement village in Ahmeek I happened to glance at the large screen television in the recreation room and instantly recognized the unmistakable Leo Gorcey in "Going My Way." Needless to say, I sat, sweaty cave couture and all, and watched the rest of the show, tears streaming through my facial fur. As most of you who have followed my reviews over the years know, I am not a particularly emotionally giving man. But for whatever reason, that movie in that white-walled room, to the accompaniment of clanging bedpans and crazy old-people's (well-earned!) gibberish restored my faith in motion pictures.

I have since moved back to the San Francisco Bay Area, and have met a wonderful older woman and travel writer who, before she set out on a walking tour of British England, inspired me to begin my movie reviews again. And so I have determined to do so.

I am older. And I am wiser. I expect that my reviews will reflect this hard-won wisdom as well as a new-found sense of the absurdity of human existence. Together I expect that these new personality traits will flower forth an exciting and rewarding new era in my reviewing. Let's take the scoundrels to task and the artists to the stars!

Here is looking at you,

Oswald Reeves

Three Gross

300(2005)

Starring: Jock McGregor, Tyne Daly, Ru Paul Directed by: Leon Uris Rating: R Genre: Action/Adventure

Review For those of us lucky enough to have seen a little thing called "Braveheart" loth those many years ago, the new film "300" will strike a bell. Crazed Scotsmen revealing a little more of "wee willie" than mother might like, bring it on like smoke on lox. With stomachs like a brace of eels and rock-hard beards ZZ Top can only dream of, the boys of Enoch Burris rock Persians until they can't stands no more. Don't scoff. The truth is that a hardy tribe of sweaty Scots madmen did save Greek civilization once upon a time in a little know place called Persepolis. Puppet-headed Jock McGregor stars as Hercules, the leader of the band, fighting Ru Paul (on stilts!) and a horde of disgusting outworlders (Orcs courtesy of Lord of the Rings director Francis Coppolla). When all seems lost, McGregor makes a thrilling final stand, climactically leaping upon all 10,000 of the invaders and trying to smother them in his armpits. Paul then turns him into a human pincushion, which only makes him mad. He then bleeds so profusely that the Persians begin to vomit and give up. Leave it to a Scotsman to change the course of history by making people sick. Really, though, leave the kids at home. They get enough of this on their XBoxes, and there is no point in them being disillusioned about history so young. I say let them have their Chuck Norrises - we've got Homer!

Now You See Him...

THE ILLUSIONERIST(2006)

Starring: Edward X. Norton, Hume Jackman, David Bowie Directed by: Christopher Nolan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review In the late 1800's Jack the Ripper is on the loose and Sherlock Holmes' London has got him! Director Christopher Nolan (The Batman) claims to "solve" the mystery of the man known to London prostitutes as The Ripper" by explaining that Dandy Jack was a magician who disappeared into walls whenever London's finest got to close to his trail. It's all nonsense of course. The Ripper was identified last year by writer Clive Barker as none other than Queen Victoria's paramour Prince Albert (why didn't they make THAT story?) But Nolan's got enough going on to distract us from all the plot idiocy. Edward X. Norton (The World According to X) and Hume Jackman (The Boy from Down Under) are a pair of brothers whose hatred consumes the love of the women who love them until only one of them is left to grapple with the evil David Bowie (The Boy From Under the Earth). Bowie sears the screen with an accent so protean that he could be any of a dozen weirdball Bondian villains bent on bending electricity to their nefarious world-dominating purposes. Does it make sense? Who cares? Nolan's balderdash is a gloomy hoot! If you figure out what was supposed to be going on at the end, drop me a line.

Happi? Whi Yys!

The Pursuit of Happyness(2006)

Starring: Will E. Smith Directed by: Gabriele Muccino Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Forgive the impertinence, but who made Will E. Smith God, with the power of life and death over the mere mortals who are so obliging as to attend his films? Whomever the deity-maker is, I want to thank him once again because Singer/Dancer Will E. Smith is "THE BOMB." Dazzlingly innovative director Muccino (once the loveable "Huggy Bear" from TV's Baretta) finds the humanity lurking inside even the ugliest, most threatening bum. Look for a cameo by Smith compadre Kid-And-Play as a hilariously fey "chorizo" salesman. BTW (by the way), ten bonus points for figuring out the mystery behind the mispelling of the title. Hint: think different!

Cheese-Whiz Royalty Hit the Pool

Lords of Dogtown (2005)

Starring: Keanu Reeves Directed by: Lady Catherine Hardwicke Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review They aren't lords and there is no Dogtown. If you can get over that you just might find yourself entranced by this story of three ne'er-do-wells and their search for the perfect skating wave (as it were). Keanu Reeves (Little Buddha) hits it out of the park as "Spacey" - the smart one. Victor Rasuk is "Cheesey" - who you just know is going to get killed because he's hispanic. And newcomer Emile Hirsch plays "Nacho" - the quiet one who makes it to the bigtime. Lady Catherine Hardwicke steps down from her throne just long enough to deliver the goods here. I may be a sucker but I "dug" it.

Fighting The Good Fight

Cinderella Man (2005)

Starring: Russell Crowe, Andy Kauffman Directed by: Opie Howard Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review When roughneck sailor Russell Crowe (Russell Crowe's Gladiator) is arrested for swearing at some children he breaks away from his two jailor/sailor friends and hides himself in a boxing ring where Andy Kauffman discovers him drunkenly shadow-boxing another fighter's shadow. Kauffman quickly cashes in on the torpid dumbo, raking in thousands of dollars for each smashed face his ward can produce. But what about the big fight against the champ? Can he smash his face in? Opie Howard, now a veteran of more than 1,000 movies, has a sure touch for this kind of material, and he brings it on home with fight scenes so palpably real that you can't even tell what's going on. Loveable kook Renee Zelwegger (Bridget Jones vs. The City) once again makes us believe that if love has wings then even tubby girls can fly! All in all the kind of satisfying smackmouth adventure to lead us into a summer made glorious by this son of Rocky. Enjoy!

Sass-Pants

The Sisterhood of Pants (2005)

	Starring: Amber Tamblyn, Blake Lively Directed by: Ken Kwapis Rating: PG Genre: Drama Other
Review Giggly remake of sixties classic The Yellow Rolls Royce in which a pod of teenage girls spend the summer passing around a magical pair of pants. I'm not a psychologist, but I can't help but find the significance startlingly clear. Whatever happened to horse movies?

Hut One! Hut Two! Live!

The Longest Yard (2005)

Starring: Adam Sandeler, Burt B. Reynolds Directed by: Peter Segal Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Sometimes the longest yard is the yard that's the hardest to get. It's as true in game of life as it is in the game of football. This "dramedy" about picking yourself up and dusting yourself after the kind of "hard tackles" that God (in the form of a 6'8" prison guard) can throw at you is both moving and occasionally amusing. Director Peter Segal (Jonathan Livingston Seagull) casts crinkly ex-macho guy Burt B. Reynolds (The Longest Yard) as a sad-sack con looking for one more shot at the big time. When pro football legend Adam Sandeler (Pee Wee's Big Adventure) shows up for knocking his old lady around a little bit, Reynolds latches onto him like a porcupine on another porcupine. The result? I won't spoil it for you, but let me just say that it's the most exciting and occasionally amusing football game in movie history. Not a lot of pulchritude here for those looking for female eye-candy, but I would expect gay males to find something to their liking amongst the arrayed beefcake. All should enjoy this glorious tribute to the game that only America can play to win.

December-December Romance

The Notebook (2004)

	Starring: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McRachael Directed by: Nick Cassevetes Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review When an old man (James Garner of Maverick fame) shows up at the bed of a dotty old woman, romance blooms again. If you can get past disturbing thought of James Garner rubbing his body against another human you may find your little bit o' joy here.

Come On Baby, Light My Freedom

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

Starring: Actors Directed by: Director Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other

Review Slugabed director Moore seems to be implying that standing president George M. Bush was unaware that freedoms were being stripped from Iraqi patriots in his name, as he read bunny stories to doe-eyed schoolmoppets. Come on, Mr. Moore, I've googled my constitution as closely as you, and I happen to know that the founding fathers had no intention of stopping a president from reading whatever he sees fit. It's called "The Freedom of the Press," Monsieur Moore, and I, for one, stand by it. Step away from your feeding trough and smell the liberty. I think you'll find that it's intoxicating. It smells like America.

Schneebaum Vs. The Volcano

Keep The River On The Right (2003)

	Starring: Tobias Schneebaum, Normal Mailer Directed by: David Shapiro Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other
Review Egghead whackjob Schneebaum goes native and paints his privates red and blue. Normal Mailer may be impressed, but I'm underwhelmed. Leave this one to the culture vultures and rent the delightful Joe Vs. the Volcano for a more entertaining look at cultural self-hate.

Band On the Run

Metallica: The Smartest Guys In The Room (2004)

Starring: Metallica Directed by: Director Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other

Review When a rock band becomes more interested in offshore investments than "rockin the casbah" the river rapidly devolves into a set of rapids which can only be "shot" with the expert guidance of rapids-master lawyers wielding paddles with names like "nolo contendere" and "habeus corpus." What a long strange trip it must have been for the boys of Metallica - from vomit-stained groupies to the leather-trimmed high-rise board rooms of Cayugas and Montego Bay. Fascinating, disturbing and, ultimately, uplifting tale. Highly recommended.

The Business of Business Turns Out to be Love!

Enron: Some Sort of Monster (2005)

Starring: Enron Directed by: Director Rating: PG-13 Genre: Documentary Other

Review What happens when a group of business geniuses find that they can't stand each other any longer? Well, when trillions of dollars in dictators' retirement funds are at stake, it's time to bring in the Freud Squad. We're priviledged to watch the inner workings of these financial "monsters" as they lock into a life-or-death struggle to maintain their humanity in an era where the cries of legions of puny stockholders crowded around the SEC's tumbrils, baying for the blood of industry giants like Freddy Worldcom and hair-tie magnate Richard Scrunchi drown out the rational laissez-faire discourse of Adam West. I must admit that my throat caught a little watching this besieged band of brothers circle the wagons and, pledging their allegiance under the paternal guidance of their corporate psychologist, engaged in a emotional (yet manly) group hug.

Turn the Props Up to 11!

Tupac Resurrection (2003)

	Starring: Tupac Directed by: Lauren Lizin Rating: R Genre: Mockumentary Other
Review Who was Tupac Shakur? No. Really. Who was he? As I watched Lauren Lizin's fascinating mockumentary I almost came to believe that there really was such a person as this literally-larger-than-life "rap" artist. Little Stanley says "Check it out!"

Fish Story

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004)

Starring: Bill Murray, Dame Katherine Blachett Directed by: Wesley Anderson Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review The mysterious world of the sea is the ostensible subject of former Star Trek boy genius Wesley Anderson's latest film, and yet one can't help but wonder if it's Anderson's own childhood that's really at play here. Oceanic scientists (oceanographers) often refer to the sea as "inner space." Anderson's childhood was spent, in a sense, in a televised "outer" space. And Bill Murray has grown a mighty and dramatic ventre that, when tucked into a militarily-fetish frogman's suit, is uncannily like the little potbelly that bulged so fetchingly above Captain Kirk's smart black belt. Anderson seems to be saying that our heros, whatever their shortcomings, are always a little fat. And perhaps even more to the point, they'll always disappoint (and in some cases [spoiler alert!] KILL) us in the end. Beautiful underwater photography reminiscent of the old SeaHunt series only serves to highlight the machinations of a mad crew seemingly bent on destroying every living creature in the sea. One can't help but think back to old french bastard Jacques Cousteau's horrific battles with parrotfish and the legendary "greasemonkey" eel. Anderson's love of Cousteau comes across in every frame. This is an homage to a time when television wasn't afraid to cast an arrogant foreigner as the good guy and a cute dolphin as the devil. Sail on, Captain Anderson. Sail on to whatever your destiny may hold!

Call Me When It's Over

Kicking and Screaming (2005)

Starring: Wilf Errel, Robert Duval Directed by: Bob Dylan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Hollywood has a name for films like Kicking and Screaming. They're called "high-concept" projects, and more likely than not they were "pitched" by some shark-suited twenty-two year old in a black spandex t-shirt and Angel Flight disco slacks his daddy left him when he moved to Arizona with his hot-pants secretary. He's calling in a favor, making a deal by combining a number of his clients in a project whose story that can be summarized in thirty seconds by a panda bear with finger paints. One question - why, Mr. Dylan? Why? Is this your revenge for the poor reception of Renaldo and Clara? You, sir, are bigger than the business. Please return to your seat until the airplane has come to a complete stop. That said, Wilf Errel is very good.

Master of His High Seas Domain!

The Master and the Commander (2003)

Starring: Rumply Crow, Paul Bettany Directed by: Cameron Crowe Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review It's 1812 and all is not well for the British Empire. The French have learned to build ships and the Spanish are buying them, and the English King is madder than a cocked hat on a red-tailed rooster. What's a roguish gentleman with a bent for the ladies and a hunger for gold to do? Take to the high seas, naturally! And that's what the Master of the title does in this rollicking tale of blood and swash that takes the viewer from the dirty ports of English Portland to the barren wastes of the Galapagos Islands. There's drink and song, and lots of blood and severed limbs, but that was the cost for Britain to be strong enough for America to become strong and defeat Britain and create democracy. Highly recommended!

Heaven's Just a Mace Away

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Directed by: Riddidly Scott Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review In the year 2525, if man is still alive goes the classic song and I couldn't help but wonder, as I watched Riddidly Scott's epic Kingdom of Heaven if the poor bastards who trudged off to the crusades hummed something similar. This dark, moody set piece lends itself to such deep thoughts as it incisively examines why a poor, stupid laborer (Orlando Bloom [Orlando]) would find it necessary to murder poor stupid laborers halfway around the continent. But Scott (Alien Nation), ever the perfectionist shows that where racism and bigotry is the question, then love must be the answer. Love, in the form of brittle, ceramic-skinned celtic folk-rapper Eva, is all the spur our dumbbunny hero needs to accept the thuggish hatred necessary to do what must be done. The world, Scott seems to say, is strange, cruel and violent and only by being even more strange, more cruel and more violent can we hope to bring the planet to a successful conclusion. I may disagree with the message, but the messenger compels my eyes upward, ever upward, crawling up the giant megaplex screen until, indeed, I feel I truly am in cinematic heaven.

Getting the Kinks Out

Kinsey (2004)

Starring: Liam Neeson, Laura La Linney Directed by: Bill Condon Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Fascinated, yet horrified, we watch sex studies jockey Alf Kinsey ride the horse of deviance down the backstretch of normalcy only to collapse at the line. A gruesome life and marriage lovingly acted by Irish hamhock Liam Neeson (Neeson!) and swedish bombshell Laura La Linney (Congo!) until, like Popeye, they can't stands no more and fall apart like a well-cooked pot roast. Director Condon seems to feel that nothing that is human can be considered not human, and I for the life of me can find nothing with which to refute him. Strong mead, unsweetened by the honeybee of sentiment. Live Strong, deviants!

Lost Luggage

The Terminal (2004)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Catherine ZetaJones Directed by: Steven Spielberg Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Simpleton Tom Hanks (Splash) cannot find his way out of an airport terminal after his mother dies. For this they invented Cinemascope? Boy genius Spielberg claims no gold star here, I'm afraid. Only the lustrous, edible Catherine ZetaJones brings anything resembling the living to this Wet Willie, just by letting us bask in her pulchritudinous ambient aura. Might appeal to spinsters, or luggage jockeys.

Mais Ou est Huile d'Olive?

The French Connection (1971)

Starring: Gene Hackman Directed by: Wilhelm Friedkin Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The French, they are a funny people. But not, apparently, when they try an "homage" to great american cartoon figures as in this misguided attempt to fuse the dreary, perplexing work of Jean-Luc Picard with the sprightly pop sensibility of America's favorite spinach pitchman. What we get is neither fish nor foul. Incredibly, laconic egghead Robert Altman remade this eye booger into a musical starring schizophrenic whackjob Robin Williams - not surprisingly, it's even harder to bear. Bad show all around for Franco-American relations.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Sunset Boulevard(1950)

Starring: Joan Crawford, William Holden Directed by: Sir Billy Wilder Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review "My head's too big for the screen!" thunders legendary medusa Joan Crawford as her manservant Mongo picks nits from her ever-shedding scalp. Sir Billy Wilder sure did it this time, creating a masterpiece by telling it like it is, one monstrous Hollywood moment at a time. William Holden plays a dead screenwriter brought back to life to write the biography of a mythical silent movie star whom no one remembers, and he's instantly caught in her spider's web of money, fame, glamour, putrifaction and money. When she discovers that he's young and she's old, the glamour queen goes mad and insists that he become old or dead, which he does once again. It's a metaphor for all that is wrong with the Hollywood of yesterday and, of course, of today. And to prove the point, Wilder's commentary track includes insult after insult of the current crop of stars, pointing out that not one of them made a silent picture, or even one in black and white. I couldn't agree more, and I expect that you'll find yourself nodding throughout this glorious, venomous paean to the shrews and megalomaniacs of yesteryear who made the films we turn to again and again, like this one which I know I'll watch over and over. Enjoy!

Zero For Conduct

Suspect Zero (2004)

Starring: Aaron Eckhardt, Ben Kingsley Directed by: Eelias Merhige Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The ways of the psychopath are indeed so strange that many of us struggle to imagine committing the terrible crimes that they perpetrate with such ease. Feeling our dismay, mavericks like Eelias Merhige spread the buffet before us and let us choose one from column A and one from column B until we are sated. Bakery heir Eckhardt plays FBI detective Aaron Zero, a man with a terrible thirst for justice who's found the case that just might quench it. A madman is loose and he's killing (spoiler alert!) OTHER MADMEN! Eckhard must stop him before there are no madmen left and he's out of a job. Or is he? This masterful thriller will keep you on the edge of the couch as you try to stay one step ahead of the script and two steps ahead of fat, bald goblin Ben Kingsley, who makes a mockery of every other actor he works with by spraying his genius indiscriminately across the screen. Let's hope Hollywood never loses its nerve in bringing us into the mind of the kinds of terrifying psychotics who prey on people just like us!