Cheese-Whiz Royalty Hit the Pool

Lords of Dogtown (2005)

Starring: Keanu Reeves Directed by: Lady Catherine Hardwicke Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review They aren't lords and there is no Dogtown. If you can get over that you just might find yourself entranced by this story of three ne'er-do-wells and their search for the perfect skating wave (as it were). Keanu Reeves (Little Buddha) hits it out of the park as "Spacey" - the smart one. Victor Rasuk is "Cheesey" - who you just know is going to get killed because he's hispanic. And newcomer Emile Hirsch plays "Nacho" - the quiet one who makes it to the bigtime. Lady Catherine Hardwicke steps down from her throne just long enough to deliver the goods here. I may be a sucker but I "dug" it.

Fighting The Good Fight

Cinderella Man (2005)

Starring: Russell Crowe, Andy Kauffman Directed by: Opie Howard Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review When roughneck sailor Russell Crowe (Russell Crowe's Gladiator) is arrested for swearing at some children he breaks away from his two jailor/sailor friends and hides himself in a boxing ring where Andy Kauffman discovers him drunkenly shadow-boxing another fighter's shadow. Kauffman quickly cashes in on the torpid dumbo, raking in thousands of dollars for each smashed face his ward can produce. But what about the big fight against the champ? Can he smash his face in? Opie Howard, now a veteran of more than 1,000 movies, has a sure touch for this kind of material, and he brings it on home with fight scenes so palpably real that you can't even tell what's going on. Loveable kook Renee Zelwegger (Bridget Jones vs. The City) once again makes us believe that if love has wings then even tubby girls can fly! All in all the kind of satisfying smackmouth adventure to lead us into a summer made glorious by this son of Rocky. Enjoy!

Sass-Pants

The Sisterhood of Pants (2005)

	Starring: Amber Tamblyn, Blake Lively Directed by: Ken Kwapis Rating: PG Genre: Drama Other
Review Giggly remake of sixties classic The Yellow Rolls Royce in which a pod of teenage girls spend the summer passing around a magical pair of pants. I'm not a psychologist, but I can't help but find the significance startlingly clear. Whatever happened to horse movies?

Hut One! Hut Two! Live!

The Longest Yard (2005)

Starring: Adam Sandeler, Burt B. Reynolds Directed by: Peter Segal Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Sometimes the longest yard is the yard that's the hardest to get. It's as true in game of life as it is in the game of football. This "dramedy" about picking yourself up and dusting yourself after the kind of "hard tackles" that God (in the form of a 6'8" prison guard) can throw at you is both moving and occasionally amusing. Director Peter Segal (Jonathan Livingston Seagull) casts crinkly ex-macho guy Burt B. Reynolds (The Longest Yard) as a sad-sack con looking for one more shot at the big time. When pro football legend Adam Sandeler (Pee Wee's Big Adventure) shows up for knocking his old lady around a little bit, Reynolds latches onto him like a porcupine on another porcupine. The result? I won't spoil it for you, but let me just say that it's the most exciting and occasionally amusing football game in movie history. Not a lot of pulchritude here for those looking for female eye-candy, but I would expect gay males to find something to their liking amongst the arrayed beefcake. All should enjoy this glorious tribute to the game that only America can play to win.

December-December Romance

The Notebook (2004)

	Starring: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McRachael Directed by: Nick Cassevetes Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review When an old man (James Garner of Maverick fame) shows up at the bed of a dotty old woman, romance blooms again. If you can get past disturbing thought of James Garner rubbing his body against another human you may find your little bit o' joy here.

Come On Baby, Light My Freedom

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

Starring: Actors Directed by: Director Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other

Review Slugabed director Moore seems to be implying that standing president George M. Bush was unaware that freedoms were being stripped from Iraqi patriots in his name, as he read bunny stories to doe-eyed schoolmoppets. Come on, Mr. Moore, I've googled my constitution as closely as you, and I happen to know that the founding fathers had no intention of stopping a president from reading whatever he sees fit. It's called "The Freedom of the Press," Monsieur Moore, and I, for one, stand by it. Step away from your feeding trough and smell the liberty. I think you'll find that it's intoxicating. It smells like America.

Schneebaum Vs. The Volcano

Keep The River On The Right (2003)

	Starring: Tobias Schneebaum, Normal Mailer Directed by: David Shapiro Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other
Review Egghead whackjob Schneebaum goes native and paints his privates red and blue. Normal Mailer may be impressed, but I'm underwhelmed. Leave this one to the culture vultures and rent the delightful Joe Vs. the Volcano for a more entertaining look at cultural self-hate.

Band On the Run

Metallica: The Smartest Guys In The Room (2004)

Starring: Metallica Directed by: Director Rating: R Genre: Documentary Other

Review When a rock band becomes more interested in offshore investments than "rockin the casbah" the river rapidly devolves into a set of rapids which can only be "shot" with the expert guidance of rapids-master lawyers wielding paddles with names like "nolo contendere" and "habeus corpus." What a long strange trip it must have been for the boys of Metallica - from vomit-stained groupies to the leather-trimmed high-rise board rooms of Cayugas and Montego Bay. Fascinating, disturbing and, ultimately, uplifting tale. Highly recommended.

The Business of Business Turns Out to be Love!

Enron: Some Sort of Monster (2005)

Starring: Enron Directed by: Director Rating: PG-13 Genre: Documentary Other

Review What happens when a group of business geniuses find that they can't stand each other any longer? Well, when trillions of dollars in dictators' retirement funds are at stake, it's time to bring in the Freud Squad. We're priviledged to watch the inner workings of these financial "monsters" as they lock into a life-or-death struggle to maintain their humanity in an era where the cries of legions of puny stockholders crowded around the SEC's tumbrils, baying for the blood of industry giants like Freddy Worldcom and hair-tie magnate Richard Scrunchi drown out the rational laissez-faire discourse of Adam West. I must admit that my throat caught a little watching this besieged band of brothers circle the wagons and, pledging their allegiance under the paternal guidance of their corporate psychologist, engaged in a emotional (yet manly) group hug.

Turn the Props Up to 11!

Tupac Resurrection (2003)

	Starring: Tupac Directed by: Lauren Lizin Rating: R Genre: Mockumentary Other
Review Who was Tupac Shakur? No. Really. Who was he? As I watched Lauren Lizin's fascinating mockumentary I almost came to believe that there really was such a person as this literally-larger-than-life "rap" artist. Little Stanley says "Check it out!"

Fish Story

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004)

Starring: Bill Murray, Dame Katherine Blachett Directed by: Wesley Anderson Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review The mysterious world of the sea is the ostensible subject of former Star Trek boy genius Wesley Anderson's latest film, and yet one can't help but wonder if it's Anderson's own childhood that's really at play here. Oceanic scientists (oceanographers) often refer to the sea as "inner space." Anderson's childhood was spent, in a sense, in a televised "outer" space. And Bill Murray has grown a mighty and dramatic ventre that, when tucked into a militarily-fetish frogman's suit, is uncannily like the little potbelly that bulged so fetchingly above Captain Kirk's smart black belt. Anderson seems to be saying that our heros, whatever their shortcomings, are always a little fat. And perhaps even more to the point, they'll always disappoint (and in some cases [spoiler alert!] KILL) us in the end. Beautiful underwater photography reminiscent of the old SeaHunt series only serves to highlight the machinations of a mad crew seemingly bent on destroying every living creature in the sea. One can't help but think back to old french bastard Jacques Cousteau's horrific battles with parrotfish and the legendary "greasemonkey" eel. Anderson's love of Cousteau comes across in every frame. This is an homage to a time when television wasn't afraid to cast an arrogant foreigner as the good guy and a cute dolphin as the devil. Sail on, Captain Anderson. Sail on to whatever your destiny may hold!

Call Me When It's Over

Kicking and Screaming (2005)

Starring: Wilf Errel, Robert Duval Directed by: Bob Dylan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Hollywood has a name for films like Kicking and Screaming. They're called "high-concept" projects, and more likely than not they were "pitched" by some shark-suited twenty-two year old in a black spandex t-shirt and Angel Flight disco slacks his daddy left him when he moved to Arizona with his hot-pants secretary. He's calling in a favor, making a deal by combining a number of his clients in a project whose story that can be summarized in thirty seconds by a panda bear with finger paints. One question - why, Mr. Dylan? Why? Is this your revenge for the poor reception of Renaldo and Clara? You, sir, are bigger than the business. Please return to your seat until the airplane has come to a complete stop. That said, Wilf Errel is very good.

Master of His High Seas Domain!

The Master and the Commander (2003)

Starring: Rumply Crow, Paul Bettany Directed by: Cameron Crowe Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review It's 1812 and all is not well for the British Empire. The French have learned to build ships and the Spanish are buying them, and the English King is madder than a cocked hat on a red-tailed rooster. What's a roguish gentleman with a bent for the ladies and a hunger for gold to do? Take to the high seas, naturally! And that's what the Master of the title does in this rollicking tale of blood and swash that takes the viewer from the dirty ports of English Portland to the barren wastes of the Galapagos Islands. There's drink and song, and lots of blood and severed limbs, but that was the cost for Britain to be strong enough for America to become strong and defeat Britain and create democracy. Highly recommended!

Heaven's Just a Mace Away

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Directed by: Riddidly Scott Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review In the year 2525, if man is still alive goes the classic song and I couldn't help but wonder, as I watched Riddidly Scott's epic Kingdom of Heaven if the poor bastards who trudged off to the crusades hummed something similar. This dark, moody set piece lends itself to such deep thoughts as it incisively examines why a poor, stupid laborer (Orlando Bloom [Orlando]) would find it necessary to murder poor stupid laborers halfway around the continent. But Scott (Alien Nation), ever the perfectionist shows that where racism and bigotry is the question, then love must be the answer. Love, in the form of brittle, ceramic-skinned celtic folk-rapper Eva, is all the spur our dumbbunny hero needs to accept the thuggish hatred necessary to do what must be done. The world, Scott seems to say, is strange, cruel and violent and only by being even more strange, more cruel and more violent can we hope to bring the planet to a successful conclusion. I may disagree with the message, but the messenger compels my eyes upward, ever upward, crawling up the giant megaplex screen until, indeed, I feel I truly am in cinematic heaven.

Getting the Kinks Out

Kinsey (2004)

Starring: Liam Neeson, Laura La Linney Directed by: Bill Condon Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Fascinated, yet horrified, we watch sex studies jockey Alf Kinsey ride the horse of deviance down the backstretch of normalcy only to collapse at the line. A gruesome life and marriage lovingly acted by Irish hamhock Liam Neeson (Neeson!) and swedish bombshell Laura La Linney (Congo!) until, like Popeye, they can't stands no more and fall apart like a well-cooked pot roast. Director Condon seems to feel that nothing that is human can be considered not human, and I for the life of me can find nothing with which to refute him. Strong mead, unsweetened by the honeybee of sentiment. Live Strong, deviants!

Lost Luggage

The Terminal (2004)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Catherine ZetaJones Directed by: Steven Spielberg Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Simpleton Tom Hanks (Splash) cannot find his way out of an airport terminal after his mother dies. For this they invented Cinemascope? Boy genius Spielberg claims no gold star here, I'm afraid. Only the lustrous, edible Catherine ZetaJones brings anything resembling the living to this Wet Willie, just by letting us bask in her pulchritudinous ambient aura. Might appeal to spinsters, or luggage jockeys.

Mais Ou est Huile d'Olive?

The French Connection (1971)

Starring: Gene Hackman Directed by: Wilhelm Friedkin Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The French, they are a funny people. But not, apparently, when they try an "homage" to great american cartoon figures as in this misguided attempt to fuse the dreary, perplexing work of Jean-Luc Picard with the sprightly pop sensibility of America's favorite spinach pitchman. What we get is neither fish nor foul. Incredibly, laconic egghead Robert Altman remade this eye booger into a musical starring schizophrenic whackjob Robin Williams - not surprisingly, it's even harder to bear. Bad show all around for Franco-American relations.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Sunset Boulevard(1950)

Starring: Joan Crawford, William Holden Directed by: Sir Billy Wilder Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review "My head's too big for the screen!" thunders legendary medusa Joan Crawford as her manservant Mongo picks nits from her ever-shedding scalp. Sir Billy Wilder sure did it this time, creating a masterpiece by telling it like it is, one monstrous Hollywood moment at a time. William Holden plays a dead screenwriter brought back to life to write the biography of a mythical silent movie star whom no one remembers, and he's instantly caught in her spider's web of money, fame, glamour, putrifaction and money. When she discovers that he's young and she's old, the glamour queen goes mad and insists that he become old or dead, which he does once again. It's a metaphor for all that is wrong with the Hollywood of yesterday and, of course, of today. And to prove the point, Wilder's commentary track includes insult after insult of the current crop of stars, pointing out that not one of them made a silent picture, or even one in black and white. I couldn't agree more, and I expect that you'll find yourself nodding throughout this glorious, venomous paean to the shrews and megalomaniacs of yesteryear who made the films we turn to again and again, like this one which I know I'll watch over and over. Enjoy!

Zero For Conduct

Suspect Zero (2004)

Starring: Aaron Eckhardt, Ben Kingsley Directed by: Eelias Merhige Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The ways of the psychopath are indeed so strange that many of us struggle to imagine committing the terrible crimes that they perpetrate with such ease. Feeling our dismay, mavericks like Eelias Merhige spread the buffet before us and let us choose one from column A and one from column B until we are sated. Bakery heir Eckhardt plays FBI detective Aaron Zero, a man with a terrible thirst for justice who's found the case that just might quench it. A madman is loose and he's killing (spoiler alert!) OTHER MADMEN! Eckhard must stop him before there are no madmen left and he's out of a job. Or is he? This masterful thriller will keep you on the edge of the couch as you try to stay one step ahead of the script and two steps ahead of fat, bald goblin Ben Kingsley, who makes a mockery of every other actor he works with by spraying his genius indiscriminately across the screen. Let's hope Hollywood never loses its nerve in bringing us into the mind of the kinds of terrifying psychotics who prey on people just like us!

Healthy, Wealthy and Wise. Wealthy, Anyway.

National Treasure (2004)

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Diane Kruger Directed by: Saul Turteltaub Rating: PG Genre: Action Other

Review Hulking nimrod Nick Cage plays reincarnated Benjamin Franklin who has returned for the treasure he buried during the civil war in this pitilessly entertaining riff on the founding fathers. Cage (Baking Arizona) is alternatingly hilarious, moving and terrifying as the man who brought us the potbellied stove, term life insurance and lightning - a madcap rogue with false teeth and a snappy patter who, the movie would have us believe, convinced George Washington and Abe Lincoln to "put a little away for a rainy day." When he awakes in 2004 in the body of a clodhopping archaeologist its off to the races. For those of you who have spent a Denny's moment pondering the giant eye on the back of the one dollar bill, this movie may be what you've been looking for. For the rest of us, it's just solid entertainment. Bung ho, Hollywood, and thanks!

Bald Isn't Always Beautiful, Baby

THX118 (1971)

Starring: Robert Duvall, Donald Pleasence Directed by: George Lucas Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review This Star Wars "prequel" (a film term for a movie that precedes the sequel to a successful film) appears to have been pieced together from bus fare change. Bald folks wander around in a stupor. It looks like a Hair Club For Men terror ad. Lucas is a genius (see Howard the Duck for surprising evidence of this) but he was badly advised by his advisors here. Still, if this was the price for us to get Obi-Wan Kenobi-Wan and Luke Star War then I'll willingly pay this eccentric piper.

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (2003)

Starring: Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey Directed by: Donald Petrie Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Love can be difficult and painful. One puts one's heart on the line only to see it either trampled as the love object rumbles past toward some creep with brilliantined hair and a fake rolex, or looks on in horror as it is dissected into tiny pieces of sushi by an assassin trained in the fine art of clock dismemberment. Who among us can claim to have escaped the exquisite torture of watching a trusted loved one betray every principle she claimed to worship, all for a hairy little man with a soul patch and a Subaru QRX? As the brilliant Burt Bacharach once wrote: love stinks. And yet the suits in Hollywood would have us believe love is a valentine wrought in gold filigree upon the New York skyline by young, attractive foolish people with nothing more to lose than a steak dinner and a missed trip to the 24 Hour spa. Wake up! I cannot recommend this, unless your soul has grown a patch and made the quick trip to hell with a beautiful heartless blonde maenad from Minnesota who goes by the name of Tammy.

Queen of Hearts

Nine Queens (2000)

Starring: Ricardo Darin, Gaston Pauls Directed by: Fabian Bielinsky Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Ocean's Eleven goes down Argentina Way in this delightful, sprightly romp through the world of philanderalists and their love of poorly printed stamps. Maestro Bielinsky delivers the goods with panache, giving us the requisite good guy, bad guy and beautiful dame (or dama, in spanish) but with a surprise twist at the end that will leave you flummoxed. Who'd have thought that stamps could lead to so much mayhem? Not me! Enjoy!

A Half a Woman Too Far

8 1/2 Women (1999)

	Starring: John Standing, Matthew Delamere Directed by: Peter Greenaway Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other
Review Fish-out-of-water comedy in which a father and son blunder their way through a series of disastrous relationships with spunky ladies who refuse to take what they're dishing out. Strangely flat effort by usually reliable Greenaway fails to amuse or instruct.

Persistence of Vision

8 1/2 (1963)

Starring: Marcello Mastroantonioni Directed by: Frederico Fellini Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Frederico Fellini is justly known as a brilliant filmmaker and an Italian - though not exclusively. And 8 1/2 is undoubtedly his masterpiece. 8 1/2 (so-called because multiplying 8 by 3 (the trinity of the father, the son and the holy ghost) yields 24 - the magic number of frames-per-second that a modern film runs through the projector to produce persistence of vision to the normal eye. (The europeans use a different version, known as CSPAN). And the other half? Ah, that's Fellini's "secret sauce" - Women! Fellini sees himself as only "half" a man, without a woman to complete him. But he's confused because when he adds up all of these various halves who populate his complicated life, they add up to... 8 1/2! Complicated? Perhaps. Brilliant. Undoubtedly! I would suggest that you leave the subtitles on, unless you speak Italian, but even if you do you'll find the running commentary almost as unforgettable as the movie itself. Bellissima! Enjoy!

A Dish Best Served Not At All

Cannibal: The Musical (1996)

Starring: Trey Parker, Toddy Waters Directed by: Trey Parker Rating: R Genre: Musical Other

Review There certainly is a place for a musical about the scourge of cannibalism, but unfortunately this is not it. Cannibal: The Musical purports to represent the interests of those driven by cruel desperation to partake in the Meat-That-Dare-Not-Speak-Its-Name, but really it's an excuse for some rather juvenile pranks involving a group of miners who can't keep their pants up. Those of us with relatives who have been through this horrendous ordeal may find it hard to forgive the mocking nature of the film, but perhaps we are too close to the subject to appreciate its humorous possibilities. All I can say is that the musical that sings the pain of those pitiable unfortunates has yet to be composed. Are you listening Mr. Billy Joel?

Unspeakable Act

Va***na Monologues (2002)

	Starring: Eve Ensler Directed by: Ernest Shadrack Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other
Review I almost entitled this review "Loose Lips Sink Ship" before I got ahold of myself. And that's the problem with this generally entertaining look at womanhood at the beginning of the new millenium. There is much to learn here, but let's leave the anatomy lesson to Dr. Koop, shall we?

Ben-Hur Like Beacham!

Ben-Hur(1959)

Starring: Charleston Heston Directed by: William Wylie Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review The story of Judah Ben-Hur reads like a biblical epic, and that's no coincidence. William Wylie's (How High Was My Pony) expansive reminiscence of Ye Olde Tymes reminds us once again that Hollywood has always been the Fabulous Invalid - limping its way across our imaginations until our heads are filled with images of Charleston Heston sixty feet high sparking wheelhubs with Sir Stephen Boyd in a race that is sure to thrill you. Every dollar used to be up on the screen in those days (and yes, I mean both the fifties and the First Century) and it shows. Ben-Hur was a Jew at a time when Hollywood knew the meaning of the phrase. What a classic! Enjoy!

Monster Hit!

MonsterBall (2001)

Starring: Joe Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry Directed by: Marc Forster Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Not to be confused with the equally dramatic Rollerball, this strong soup is served straight from the steaming cauldron of racial disagreement. Joe Billy Bob Thornton (Friday Night's Lights) plays a prison guard in love with a beautiful mass murderer (beautiful Halle Berry). Is she really guilty, or is she covering the blood-stained hands of (spoiler!) Thornton's hate-filled, childkilling mad-pappy (sad-sack behemoth Peter Boyle)? Will lovestruck Thornton discover the horrific truth in time, or will Ms. Berry walk the long green mile to her date with a syringe? Horror, sadness, terror, pity and horror brought to you in the kind of tight-rumped, steamy package the Oscar drools over. And indeed, the little metal man with the midas touch deigned to drop his magically fairy dust over the fabulous Ms. Berry. Well-deserved, I say. Enjoy!

Read My Lips

The Interpreter (2005)

Starring: Nicole Kid-Man, Sean Bean Penn Directed by: Sydney Pollack Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Not since Spiro Kozanzokositis' Z has a political thriller been this political, or this thrilling. Stirring hermaphrodite Nicole Kid-Man stars as a linguist with a tongue for international relations who stumbles upon a plot to murder a thuggish despot who steals oil from small children. Should she trust sensitive, bestubbled mumbler Sean Bean Penn, or should she follow her heart and wing a chinese killing star into the monster's throat while he pounds a shoe on the U.N. furniture? Don't let the insider politics put you off - this is a true heart-grinding chiller that questions the very fact that the United States rules the world with an iron fist wrapped in a velvet fist. There's a lot to think about and a lot to feel. The chemistry between Kid-Man and Bean Penn gave me chafed thighs. Enjoy! Note:Just a thought: Wouldn't it be more grammatically correct for the title to be The Interpretrix?

Dogmatic's Life

Dogma (1999)

	Starring: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon Directed by: Kevin Smith Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Hipster retelling of the Book of Mormon seems to be aimed at convincing pre-teens that Jesus is "Kool." Director Smith badly misjudges the youth market, trying to replicate the success of the highly-popular Rockin' Schoolhouse cartoons. Mr. Smith, leave the God-speak to the professionals, please!

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

The Eddie Duchin Story (1956)

	Starring: Tyrone Power, Kim Novak Directed by: George Sidney Chaplin Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other
Review Hard-edged bio about the first one-armed outfielder to make the major leagues can still milk the weeper ducts like a farmer's man-handed daughter as Tyrone Power (The Power and the Glory) battles bigots and chin music with one hand, literally, tied behind his back. Highly recommended.

Give Me an "O"

The Story of O (1975)

Starring: Corinne Clery Directed by: Just Jaecklin Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review A woman follows her lover to a secluded sanctuary where he lords it over her like Donald Trump on rice. Strangely uncomfortable and occasionally exciting film redefined erotica for a generation of traveling salesmen, lonely psych majors and others in the raincoat crowd. Today it plays like an episode of Three's Company, but don't let that stop you and your partner from exploring the works of the infamous "Marquis de Sade" who brought down an empire with only a whip, a glove and a chicken feather.

Bringing Down D House

House Of D (2004)

Starring: David Duanchovny, Robin Williams Directed by: David Duanchovny Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The Rain in Spain may fall mainly on the Plain, but don't bother to tell that to David Duanchovny. Dunachovny (House of Blue Leaves), who also wrote and directed this small masterpiece, plays a man who cannot forget that his father (spastic blowhard Robin Williams) was a retarded janitor. His yearning for the simple life led by his happy-go-lucky pater leads him down an unforgettable path that ends only when he climbs the Eiffel Tower and finds that for a man to be an artist he first has to face the fact that he is a man first. Kudos to Duanchovy for being brave enough to ask his friends to appear in his film. Enjoy!

The "Closer" I Get To You

Closer (2004)

Starring: Judas Law, Slim Pickens Directed by: David Mamet Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Baseball experts use the term "closer" to describe a pitcher who "finishes" off the opponent in the late innings. But fans of David Mamet and those of us who have been cheated out of thousands of dollars of "fees" will recognize the "closer" as the sales agent who gets one to sign on the dotted line. Mamet's bittersweet chamber opera of unrequited love presents for our delectation vicious salesmen vying for the affections of rail-thin stunner Natalie Portman (Star Wars Generations) by trying to summit the dingy office's "leader board." Mamet seems to be saying that only by cheating "suckers" of their hard-earned cookie-jar treasure can these ur-men find the courage to approach gorgeous women. Who knows? It may be true! But is it art? I'll leave that for you to ponder your wee hours of cold, lonely reflection.

Hospitality, Southern Style

Deliverance (1972)

	Starring: Burt Reynolds, John Goodman Directed by: John Boorham Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Four friends explore the concept southern hospitality in full flower as they meander up a lazy river. Director Boorham has a good feel for the southern man, and what makes him happy. Not recommended for children or pregnant women.

Birdbrain

The Birdman of Alcatraz (1962)

Starring: Burt Lancaster, Karl Malden Directed by: John Frankenheimer Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Obviously the writer and director have never actually been to Alcatraz island. It's absolutely miserable - cold and windy. It's known among San Franciscans in the know as The "Rock." I'd also point out, contrary to popular opinion, that birds are filthy, filthy creatures. Have you ever actually seen a parrot's tongue? It's disgusting! Burt Lancaster is very good, though. And Karl Malden is very clever as a dick with a heart. Ornithologists may find something of interest here, but the rest of us will return to manning our backyards with our bb guns at the ready.

Just Like It Sounds

Palindromes (2005)

Starring: Ellen Barkus, Jennifer Jason Leigh Directed by: Todd Solondz Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review A palindrome is a word that sounds just like it is spelled (just like solondz. Get it?) and the conceit here is that the soundtrack sounds the same backwards and forwards. What's the point? Mr. Solondz, who made his name directing naked froogettes gyrating in cages for Motley Sister videos, doesn't seem to realize that DVDs (and movies for that matter) don't spin on platters. Sorry Mr. S, I don't have fancy "diggety-digital" sound equipment with which to listen to your expensive experiment in sensory perception. The time will come when Hollywood's chunk-monkey navel-gazing technocrats like the smugly righteous Mr. Solondz will be called before Gabriel to present their credentials. I'd like to see the look on the archangel's face when he's presented with this petrified mule gumdrop.

Where's That Wascally Wabbit?

Donnie Darko (2001)

Starring: Jake Glyllenhallynhall, Osborne Holmes Directed by: Sir Richard Kelly Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Wha' Happen'? Sir Richard Kelly's classic tale of an evil rabbit and the terrible consequences for all who pet it has been neutered worse than an english comedy! Gone are most of the essential swear words and inexplicable plot points. In their place we have... Jake Glyllenhallynhall? I smell an attempt to cash in on the recent Spiderman phenomenon, and I've already let the Academy know my feelings about this. If you feel the same, then give them both barrels too!!!

Be Afraid. Be Sort of Afraid.

The Village (2004)

Starring: William Hurt, L. Ron Howard Directed by: M. Night Shamalang Rating: PG-13 Genre: Horror Other

Review M. Night Shamalang is at it again, weaving an intricate tale of suspense that attempts to leave the viewer in a state of suspense. But this time Dr. Sham has overextended himself, adapting playwright Arthur H. Miller's (Marily Monroe) classic witchhunt drama The Huxtable into a strange xenophobic parable about "creatures" who live in the "woods." L. Ron Howard (daughter of Ron Howard (Andy Griffith's Mayberry)) is very good in her film debut as a girl who gets blood splashed on her, but all but the terminally attention-challenged will have figured out that the animals are really (spoiler alert!) disgruntled (and rather poorly costumed!) tradespeople long before the third act is even a glint in the author's eye. Even so, Shamalang has a way with capes, and that can't be all bad.

Sawed Off Sh*tgun

Saw (2004)

Starring: Cary Ewe, Monica Potter Directed by: James Wan Rating: R Genre: Horror Other

Review Apparently young directors don't watch the masters anymore. Mr. "Wan" (if that's your real name), please go out and get yourself a copy of "The Ghost and Mr Chicken" and study it very carefully. Though ostensibly a children's entertainment, it's just possible that you might learn from it how to construct a piece of shivery/tingly horror. In the meantime the rest of us should avoid gaping at this grisly dogbone about two men who must saw themselves in half to escape the clutches of a mustachioed lunatic. Mr. Wan, if they sawed (sew?) themselves in half, THEY WOULD BE DEAD!!! Then what do they care what the lunatic does to them?!! Sometimes you want to reach through the screen and wring the director's scrawny neck!

English Film For English People

Vera Drake (2004)

Starring: Imelda Staunton Directed by: Mike Leigh Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Imelda Staunton (Happy Days) plays an old lady with a mole, and an interest in public health. Warning: this is NOT the Vera Drake who played the lawyer on the old Perry Mason series! I must admit I only watched the first ten minutes as I fumbled with my remote, looking for the English audio track. But what I saw looked very much like pictures of English cities I have seen in old Beatles photos. It may be just up your alley, if you're a fan of the early Beatles.

More Sinning than Sinned Against

Sin City(2005)

Starring: Mickey O'Rourke, Clive Owen Directed by: Frank Miller Rating: MR Genre: Drama Other

Review There are a million stories in the big city, but thankfully director Frank Miller has chosen only three to tell in Sin City, a spin-off of the highly popular software game in which the player creates "Sins," then feeds them, showers them, leads them to the bathroom and cleans up their kitchens for them. One of the more popular features of the game is the "Add-On Pak" which allows the player to set his "Sin" in college, for instance, or amongst a group of hippies who form a roving amateur circus. Miller's movie appears to be just such an "Add-On," as his "Sins" wander around a strangely discolored, desolate cityscape, committing unspeakably violent acts of despair upon their equally disconsolate fellow citizens. Strange to say, I found it fascinating - a peek at what I expect our children will be playing ten years from now. Immersive 3-d environments in which characters are decapitated right before your eyes may signal the end of civilization for some, but I know it's not real (unless, of course, you know someone who has been decapitated. In that case, I apologize). I say, bring on the dancing girls!

Are You Really What You Eat?

SuperSizeMe (2004)

Starring: Morgan Spurlock Directed by: Morgan Spurlock Rating: PG-13 Genre: Mockumentary Other

Review First-time director Morgan Spurlock's SuperSizeMe harkens back to the crazy stunts of the roaring Twenties, when grown men would sit on poles for a month, couples danced for a week straight and presidents fathered children out of wedlock. Spurlock's gag is to eat fatburgers for thirty days and then have a massive heart attack. You'll notice one big difference - Spurlock's "stunt" requires no SKILL! I, personally, have eaten lunch at Wendy's every day for the last five or so years and can state categorically that, other than an occasional twinge in my arm and some shortness of breath, I'm none the worse for wear. To be honest, I couldn't help wondering if this wasn't some elaborate blackmail scheme to which the MacDonald's corporation refused to bow. I have no evidence to prove this, but Mr. Spurlock carries the the saggy jowls of a man disappointed in an expected payday. And you'll notice that he never once mentioned their charitable work on behalf of children with cancer. Perhaps he just doesn't care. I say "Rock on, Ronald MacDonald!"

The Lion KILLS Tonight!

The Ghost And the Darkness (1996)

Starring: Michael Douglas, Tom Whiskerson Directed by: Steven Hopekins Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Imagine a land in which lions roam around freely, picking off the lame and halt. Then they turned on the healthy and white! Steven Hopekins brings us so close and personal you can almost smell the aftershave of the monster's last lunch partner. Val Kilmer plays a strange, shamanistic "imagineer" seeking a new way of life. And boy does he find it! Michael Douglas, in something of a departure, plays his love interest as a haggard, disease-ridden old man with nothing left to live for but to bag the Last Lion of The Serengeti. I won't spoil it for you, but I'll leave you with this: it's all true! Enjoy!

Elektra-ic!

Elektra (2005)

Starring: Carmen Elecktra Directed by: Rob Bowman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Hot-bod super-moron Carmen Elektra isn't even fifty yet and some Hollywood cynic felt the need to paint her life on the big screen...? Just kidding. But my April Fool's joke aside, Elektra's life has been fairly fascinating, from her genre-shifting appearances on German recording star (and former carnival roustabout) David Hasselhoffhorst's BayWatch to her tempestuous marriage to bejeweled whackjob Dr. Dennis Rodman. In a sense, as director Bowman seems to be hinting, Carmen's life has been a microcosm of the last fifteen years of American culture. Here's hoping he follows it up each five years like the fascinating british documentary 7-Up (14-Up, 21-Up, 28-Up, 35-Up, 42-Up, 49-Up, 56-Up, 63-Up, etc). Just maybe by watching Ms. Elektra slowly deteriorate, we'll get a little peek into what awaits us all.

Knock Knock. Who's There? Racism!

Guess Who (2005)

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Bernie Mac Directed by: Kevin Rodney Sullivan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review The word courage doesn't naturally spring to mind when discussing the ouvre of Ashton Kutcher, but that might all change after this handsome, unsparing update of the 60's light comedy starring (of all people) Sidney Poitier. Kutcher, the obese, moon-faced Bernie Mac and generally-untalented director Sullivan ignore the low-hanging fruit (comedy), instead opting for whole scenes in which the inherent discomfort of the actors is made plain to the audience. Kutcher, in particular, refuses to give in to the humor, making his slightly-retarded, insufferable character a whipping boy for all the injustices suffered by African-Americans throughout the history of our nation. In the same way that Scream redefined the horror genre by removing the horror, Guess Who may be looked back as a landmark as well: A comedy brave enough to go it alone. Bravo!

Vengeful Korean Master Film

Oldboy (2003)

	Starring: Min-sik Choi Directed by: Chan-wook Park Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Ultimately uplifting Korean powerhouse of a film suggests that revenge isn't all bad. As director Choi says in the DVD extras: "Venegance's a huge might and a sense that needs passion." If you're as fascinated with revenge as I am, then I can heartily recommend multiple viewings.

Generous Actress Allows Others To Shine

Being Julia (2004)

Starring: Annette Bening, Jeremy Iron Directed by: Istvan Szabo Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Annette Bening shows off some serious uber-technique in this classy adaptation of mayonnaise-heiress Lilian Hellman's race horse drama Pimlico. Ably assisted by Jeremy Iron (doesn't that sound like an adult film pseudonym?), Bening shows what a generous actress she is, giving up almost every scene to just about anyone else within the camera's frame. May be something of an acquired taste but, like Ms. Hellman's oil-rich spread, it adds just the right piquant touch to that special dish (artichokes, for example). Enjoy!

Fit Brit a Hit in the Cit!

Alfie (2004)

Starring: Judd Law, Marisa Tomei Directed by: Charles Shylock Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review "What's it all about, Alfie? Is it just a game for you?" Alfie, a young ne'er-do-well with a British accent and an attitude to match "macks" on femalia young and old throughout the triborough area only to find that that love is not a game of nine-pins. Instead, it's like golf - he who scores the least, wins the game of hearts. Judd Law (the Breakfast Club) lost about 150 pounds and died his hair blonde to make his comeback and, other than the phony british accent, he's excellent. Rumors are swirling that he may be the next Batman and, after watching this one, I'm on board. God's Speed, Judd!