Healthy, Wealthy and Wise. Wealthy, Anyway.

National Treasure (2004)

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Diane Kruger Directed by: Saul Turteltaub Rating: PG Genre: Action Other

Review Hulking nimrod Nick Cage plays reincarnated Benjamin Franklin who has returned for the treasure he buried during the civil war in this pitilessly entertaining riff on the founding fathers. Cage (Baking Arizona) is alternatingly hilarious, moving and terrifying as the man who brought us the potbellied stove, term life insurance and lightning - a madcap rogue with false teeth and a snappy patter who, the movie would have us believe, convinced George Washington and Abe Lincoln to "put a little away for a rainy day." When he awakes in 2004 in the body of a clodhopping archaeologist its off to the races. For those of you who have spent a Denny's moment pondering the giant eye on the back of the one dollar bill, this movie may be what you've been looking for. For the rest of us, it's just solid entertainment. Bung ho, Hollywood, and thanks!

Bald Isn't Always Beautiful, Baby

THX118 (1971)

Starring: Robert Duvall, Donald Pleasence Directed by: George Lucas Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review This Star Wars "prequel" (a film term for a movie that precedes the sequel to a successful film) appears to have been pieced together from bus fare change. Bald folks wander around in a stupor. It looks like a Hair Club For Men terror ad. Lucas is a genius (see Howard the Duck for surprising evidence of this) but he was badly advised by his advisors here. Still, if this was the price for us to get Obi-Wan Kenobi-Wan and Luke Star War then I'll willingly pay this eccentric piper.

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (2003)

Starring: Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey Directed by: Donald Petrie Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Love can be difficult and painful. One puts one's heart on the line only to see it either trampled as the love object rumbles past toward some creep with brilliantined hair and a fake rolex, or looks on in horror as it is dissected into tiny pieces of sushi by an assassin trained in the fine art of clock dismemberment. Who among us can claim to have escaped the exquisite torture of watching a trusted loved one betray every principle she claimed to worship, all for a hairy little man with a soul patch and a Subaru QRX? As the brilliant Burt Bacharach once wrote: love stinks. And yet the suits in Hollywood would have us believe love is a valentine wrought in gold filigree upon the New York skyline by young, attractive foolish people with nothing more to lose than a steak dinner and a missed trip to the 24 Hour spa. Wake up! I cannot recommend this, unless your soul has grown a patch and made the quick trip to hell with a beautiful heartless blonde maenad from Minnesota who goes by the name of Tammy.

Queen of Hearts

Nine Queens (2000)

Starring: Ricardo Darin, Gaston Pauls Directed by: Fabian Bielinsky Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Ocean's Eleven goes down Argentina Way in this delightful, sprightly romp through the world of philanderalists and their love of poorly printed stamps. Maestro Bielinsky delivers the goods with panache, giving us the requisite good guy, bad guy and beautiful dame (or dama, in spanish) but with a surprise twist at the end that will leave you flummoxed. Who'd have thought that stamps could lead to so much mayhem? Not me! Enjoy!

A Half a Woman Too Far

8 1/2 Women (1999)

	Starring: John Standing, Matthew Delamere Directed by: Peter Greenaway Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other
Review Fish-out-of-water comedy in which a father and son blunder their way through a series of disastrous relationships with spunky ladies who refuse to take what they're dishing out. Strangely flat effort by usually reliable Greenaway fails to amuse or instruct.

Persistence of Vision

8 1/2 (1963)

Starring: Marcello Mastroantonioni Directed by: Frederico Fellini Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review Frederico Fellini is justly known as a brilliant filmmaker and an Italian - though not exclusively. And 8 1/2 is undoubtedly his masterpiece. 8 1/2 (so-called because multiplying 8 by 3 (the trinity of the father, the son and the holy ghost) yields 24 - the magic number of frames-per-second that a modern film runs through the projector to produce persistence of vision to the normal eye. (The europeans use a different version, known as CSPAN). And the other half? Ah, that's Fellini's "secret sauce" - Women! Fellini sees himself as only "half" a man, without a woman to complete him. But he's confused because when he adds up all of these various halves who populate his complicated life, they add up to... 8 1/2! Complicated? Perhaps. Brilliant. Undoubtedly! I would suggest that you leave the subtitles on, unless you speak Italian, but even if you do you'll find the running commentary almost as unforgettable as the movie itself. Bellissima! Enjoy!

A Dish Best Served Not At All

Cannibal: The Musical (1996)

Starring: Trey Parker, Toddy Waters Directed by: Trey Parker Rating: R Genre: Musical Other

Review There certainly is a place for a musical about the scourge of cannibalism, but unfortunately this is not it. Cannibal: The Musical purports to represent the interests of those driven by cruel desperation to partake in the Meat-That-Dare-Not-Speak-Its-Name, but really it's an excuse for some rather juvenile pranks involving a group of miners who can't keep their pants up. Those of us with relatives who have been through this horrendous ordeal may find it hard to forgive the mocking nature of the film, but perhaps we are too close to the subject to appreciate its humorous possibilities. All I can say is that the musical that sings the pain of those pitiable unfortunates has yet to be composed. Are you listening Mr. Billy Joel?

Unspeakable Act

Va***na Monologues (2002)

	Starring: Eve Ensler Directed by: Ernest Shadrack Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other
Review I almost entitled this review "Loose Lips Sink Ship" before I got ahold of myself. And that's the problem with this generally entertaining look at womanhood at the beginning of the new millenium. There is much to learn here, but let's leave the anatomy lesson to Dr. Koop, shall we?

Ben-Hur Like Beacham!

Ben-Hur(1959)

Starring: Charleston Heston Directed by: William Wylie Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review The story of Judah Ben-Hur reads like a biblical epic, and that's no coincidence. William Wylie's (How High Was My Pony) expansive reminiscence of Ye Olde Tymes reminds us once again that Hollywood has always been the Fabulous Invalid - limping its way across our imaginations until our heads are filled with images of Charleston Heston sixty feet high sparking wheelhubs with Sir Stephen Boyd in a race that is sure to thrill you. Every dollar used to be up on the screen in those days (and yes, I mean both the fifties and the First Century) and it shows. Ben-Hur was a Jew at a time when Hollywood knew the meaning of the phrase. What a classic! Enjoy!

Monster Hit!

MonsterBall (2001)

Starring: Joe Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry Directed by: Marc Forster Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Not to be confused with the equally dramatic Rollerball, this strong soup is served straight from the steaming cauldron of racial disagreement. Joe Billy Bob Thornton (Friday Night's Lights) plays a prison guard in love with a beautiful mass murderer (beautiful Halle Berry). Is she really guilty, or is she covering the blood-stained hands of (spoiler!) Thornton's hate-filled, childkilling mad-pappy (sad-sack behemoth Peter Boyle)? Will lovestruck Thornton discover the horrific truth in time, or will Ms. Berry walk the long green mile to her date with a syringe? Horror, sadness, terror, pity and horror brought to you in the kind of tight-rumped, steamy package the Oscar drools over. And indeed, the little metal man with the midas touch deigned to drop his magically fairy dust over the fabulous Ms. Berry. Well-deserved, I say. Enjoy!

Read My Lips

The Interpreter (2005)

Starring: Nicole Kid-Man, Sean Bean Penn Directed by: Sydney Pollack Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Not since Spiro Kozanzokositis' Z has a political thriller been this political, or this thrilling. Stirring hermaphrodite Nicole Kid-Man stars as a linguist with a tongue for international relations who stumbles upon a plot to murder a thuggish despot who steals oil from small children. Should she trust sensitive, bestubbled mumbler Sean Bean Penn, or should she follow her heart and wing a chinese killing star into the monster's throat while he pounds a shoe on the U.N. furniture? Don't let the insider politics put you off - this is a true heart-grinding chiller that questions the very fact that the United States rules the world with an iron fist wrapped in a velvet fist. There's a lot to think about and a lot to feel. The chemistry between Kid-Man and Bean Penn gave me chafed thighs. Enjoy! Note:Just a thought: Wouldn't it be more grammatically correct for the title to be The Interpretrix?

Dogmatic's Life

Dogma (1999)

	Starring: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon Directed by: Kevin Smith Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Hipster retelling of the Book of Mormon seems to be aimed at convincing pre-teens that Jesus is "Kool." Director Smith badly misjudges the youth market, trying to replicate the success of the highly-popular Rockin' Schoolhouse cartoons. Mr. Smith, leave the God-speak to the professionals, please!

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

The Eddie Duchin Story (1956)

	Starring: Tyrone Power, Kim Novak Directed by: George Sidney Chaplin Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other
Review Hard-edged bio about the first one-armed outfielder to make the major leagues can still milk the weeper ducts like a farmer's man-handed daughter as Tyrone Power (The Power and the Glory) battles bigots and chin music with one hand, literally, tied behind his back. Highly recommended.

Give Me an "O"

The Story of O (1975)

Starring: Corinne Clery Directed by: Just Jaecklin Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review A woman follows her lover to a secluded sanctuary where he lords it over her like Donald Trump on rice. Strangely uncomfortable and occasionally exciting film redefined erotica for a generation of traveling salesmen, lonely psych majors and others in the raincoat crowd. Today it plays like an episode of Three's Company, but don't let that stop you and your partner from exploring the works of the infamous "Marquis de Sade" who brought down an empire with only a whip, a glove and a chicken feather.

Bringing Down D House

House Of D (2004)

Starring: David Duanchovny, Robin Williams Directed by: David Duanchovny Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review The Rain in Spain may fall mainly on the Plain, but don't bother to tell that to David Duanchovny. Dunachovny (House of Blue Leaves), who also wrote and directed this small masterpiece, plays a man who cannot forget that his father (spastic blowhard Robin Williams) was a retarded janitor. His yearning for the simple life led by his happy-go-lucky pater leads him down an unforgettable path that ends only when he climbs the Eiffel Tower and finds that for a man to be an artist he first has to face the fact that he is a man first. Kudos to Duanchovy for being brave enough to ask his friends to appear in his film. Enjoy!

The "Closer" I Get To You

Closer (2004)

Starring: Judas Law, Slim Pickens Directed by: David Mamet Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Baseball experts use the term "closer" to describe a pitcher who "finishes" off the opponent in the late innings. But fans of David Mamet and those of us who have been cheated out of thousands of dollars of "fees" will recognize the "closer" as the sales agent who gets one to sign on the dotted line. Mamet's bittersweet chamber opera of unrequited love presents for our delectation vicious salesmen vying for the affections of rail-thin stunner Natalie Portman (Star Wars Generations) by trying to summit the dingy office's "leader board." Mamet seems to be saying that only by cheating "suckers" of their hard-earned cookie-jar treasure can these ur-men find the courage to approach gorgeous women. Who knows? It may be true! But is it art? I'll leave that for you to ponder your wee hours of cold, lonely reflection.

Hospitality, Southern Style

Deliverance (1972)

	Starring: Burt Reynolds, John Goodman Directed by: John Boorham Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Four friends explore the concept southern hospitality in full flower as they meander up a lazy river. Director Boorham has a good feel for the southern man, and what makes him happy. Not recommended for children or pregnant women.

Birdbrain

The Birdman of Alcatraz (1962)

Starring: Burt Lancaster, Karl Malden Directed by: John Frankenheimer Rating: UR Genre: Drama Other

Review Obviously the writer and director have never actually been to Alcatraz island. It's absolutely miserable - cold and windy. It's known among San Franciscans in the know as The "Rock." I'd also point out, contrary to popular opinion, that birds are filthy, filthy creatures. Have you ever actually seen a parrot's tongue? It's disgusting! Burt Lancaster is very good, though. And Karl Malden is very clever as a dick with a heart. Ornithologists may find something of interest here, but the rest of us will return to manning our backyards with our bb guns at the ready.

Just Like It Sounds

Palindromes (2005)

Starring: Ellen Barkus, Jennifer Jason Leigh Directed by: Todd Solondz Rating: NR Genre: Drama Other

Review A palindrome is a word that sounds just like it is spelled (just like solondz. Get it?) and the conceit here is that the soundtrack sounds the same backwards and forwards. What's the point? Mr. Solondz, who made his name directing naked froogettes gyrating in cages for Motley Sister videos, doesn't seem to realize that DVDs (and movies for that matter) don't spin on platters. Sorry Mr. S, I don't have fancy "diggety-digital" sound equipment with which to listen to your expensive experiment in sensory perception. The time will come when Hollywood's chunk-monkey navel-gazing technocrats like the smugly righteous Mr. Solondz will be called before Gabriel to present their credentials. I'd like to see the look on the archangel's face when he's presented with this petrified mule gumdrop.

Where's That Wascally Wabbit?

Donnie Darko (2001)

Starring: Jake Glyllenhallynhall, Osborne Holmes Directed by: Sir Richard Kelly Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Wha' Happen'? Sir Richard Kelly's classic tale of an evil rabbit and the terrible consequences for all who pet it has been neutered worse than an english comedy! Gone are most of the essential swear words and inexplicable plot points. In their place we have... Jake Glyllenhallynhall? I smell an attempt to cash in on the recent Spiderman phenomenon, and I've already let the Academy know my feelings about this. If you feel the same, then give them both barrels too!!!

Be Afraid. Be Sort of Afraid.

The Village (2004)

Starring: William Hurt, L. Ron Howard Directed by: M. Night Shamalang Rating: PG-13 Genre: Horror Other

Review M. Night Shamalang is at it again, weaving an intricate tale of suspense that attempts to leave the viewer in a state of suspense. But this time Dr. Sham has overextended himself, adapting playwright Arthur H. Miller's (Marily Monroe) classic witchhunt drama The Huxtable into a strange xenophobic parable about "creatures" who live in the "woods." L. Ron Howard (daughter of Ron Howard (Andy Griffith's Mayberry)) is very good in her film debut as a girl who gets blood splashed on her, but all but the terminally attention-challenged will have figured out that the animals are really (spoiler alert!) disgruntled (and rather poorly costumed!) tradespeople long before the third act is even a glint in the author's eye. Even so, Shamalang has a way with capes, and that can't be all bad.

Sawed Off Sh*tgun

Saw (2004)

Starring: Cary Ewe, Monica Potter Directed by: James Wan Rating: R Genre: Horror Other

Review Apparently young directors don't watch the masters anymore. Mr. "Wan" (if that's your real name), please go out and get yourself a copy of "The Ghost and Mr Chicken" and study it very carefully. Though ostensibly a children's entertainment, it's just possible that you might learn from it how to construct a piece of shivery/tingly horror. In the meantime the rest of us should avoid gaping at this grisly dogbone about two men who must saw themselves in half to escape the clutches of a mustachioed lunatic. Mr. Wan, if they sawed (sew?) themselves in half, THEY WOULD BE DEAD!!! Then what do they care what the lunatic does to them?!! Sometimes you want to reach through the screen and wring the director's scrawny neck!

English Film For English People

Vera Drake (2004)

Starring: Imelda Staunton Directed by: Mike Leigh Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Imelda Staunton (Happy Days) plays an old lady with a mole, and an interest in public health. Warning: this is NOT the Vera Drake who played the lawyer on the old Perry Mason series! I must admit I only watched the first ten minutes as I fumbled with my remote, looking for the English audio track. But what I saw looked very much like pictures of English cities I have seen in old Beatles photos. It may be just up your alley, if you're a fan of the early Beatles.

More Sinning than Sinned Against

Sin City(2005)

Starring: Mickey O'Rourke, Clive Owen Directed by: Frank Miller Rating: MR Genre: Drama Other

Review There are a million stories in the big city, but thankfully director Frank Miller has chosen only three to tell in Sin City, a spin-off of the highly popular software game in which the player creates "Sins," then feeds them, showers them, leads them to the bathroom and cleans up their kitchens for them. One of the more popular features of the game is the "Add-On Pak" which allows the player to set his "Sin" in college, for instance, or amongst a group of hippies who form a roving amateur circus. Miller's movie appears to be just such an "Add-On," as his "Sins" wander around a strangely discolored, desolate cityscape, committing unspeakably violent acts of despair upon their equally disconsolate fellow citizens. Strange to say, I found it fascinating - a peek at what I expect our children will be playing ten years from now. Immersive 3-d environments in which characters are decapitated right before your eyes may signal the end of civilization for some, but I know it's not real (unless, of course, you know someone who has been decapitated. In that case, I apologize). I say, bring on the dancing girls!

Are You Really What You Eat?

SuperSizeMe (2004)

Starring: Morgan Spurlock Directed by: Morgan Spurlock Rating: PG-13 Genre: Mockumentary Other

Review First-time director Morgan Spurlock's SuperSizeMe harkens back to the crazy stunts of the roaring Twenties, when grown men would sit on poles for a month, couples danced for a week straight and presidents fathered children out of wedlock. Spurlock's gag is to eat fatburgers for thirty days and then have a massive heart attack. You'll notice one big difference - Spurlock's "stunt" requires no SKILL! I, personally, have eaten lunch at Wendy's every day for the last five or so years and can state categorically that, other than an occasional twinge in my arm and some shortness of breath, I'm none the worse for wear. To be honest, I couldn't help wondering if this wasn't some elaborate blackmail scheme to which the MacDonald's corporation refused to bow. I have no evidence to prove this, but Mr. Spurlock carries the the saggy jowls of a man disappointed in an expected payday. And you'll notice that he never once mentioned their charitable work on behalf of children with cancer. Perhaps he just doesn't care. I say "Rock on, Ronald MacDonald!"

The Lion KILLS Tonight!

The Ghost And the Darkness (1996)

Starring: Michael Douglas, Tom Whiskerson Directed by: Steven Hopekins Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Imagine a land in which lions roam around freely, picking off the lame and halt. Then they turned on the healthy and white! Steven Hopekins brings us so close and personal you can almost smell the aftershave of the monster's last lunch partner. Val Kilmer plays a strange, shamanistic "imagineer" seeking a new way of life. And boy does he find it! Michael Douglas, in something of a departure, plays his love interest as a haggard, disease-ridden old man with nothing left to live for but to bag the Last Lion of The Serengeti. I won't spoil it for you, but I'll leave you with this: it's all true! Enjoy!

Elektra-ic!

Elektra (2005)

Starring: Carmen Elecktra Directed by: Rob Bowman Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Hot-bod super-moron Carmen Elektra isn't even fifty yet and some Hollywood cynic felt the need to paint her life on the big screen...? Just kidding. But my April Fool's joke aside, Elektra's life has been fairly fascinating, from her genre-shifting appearances on German recording star (and former carnival roustabout) David Hasselhoffhorst's BayWatch to her tempestuous marriage to bejeweled whackjob Dr. Dennis Rodman. In a sense, as director Bowman seems to be hinting, Carmen's life has been a microcosm of the last fifteen years of American culture. Here's hoping he follows it up each five years like the fascinating british documentary 7-Up (14-Up, 21-Up, 28-Up, 35-Up, 42-Up, 49-Up, 56-Up, 63-Up, etc). Just maybe by watching Ms. Elektra slowly deteriorate, we'll get a little peek into what awaits us all.

Knock Knock. Who's There? Racism!

Guess Who (2005)

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Bernie Mac Directed by: Kevin Rodney Sullivan Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review The word courage doesn't naturally spring to mind when discussing the ouvre of Ashton Kutcher, but that might all change after this handsome, unsparing update of the 60's light comedy starring (of all people) Sidney Poitier. Kutcher, the obese, moon-faced Bernie Mac and generally-untalented director Sullivan ignore the low-hanging fruit (comedy), instead opting for whole scenes in which the inherent discomfort of the actors is made plain to the audience. Kutcher, in particular, refuses to give in to the humor, making his slightly-retarded, insufferable character a whipping boy for all the injustices suffered by African-Americans throughout the history of our nation. In the same way that Scream redefined the horror genre by removing the horror, Guess Who may be looked back as a landmark as well: A comedy brave enough to go it alone. Bravo!

Vengeful Korean Master Film

Oldboy (2003)

	Starring: Min-sik Choi Directed by: Chan-wook Park Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Ultimately uplifting Korean powerhouse of a film suggests that revenge isn't all bad. As director Choi says in the DVD extras: "Venegance's a huge might and a sense that needs passion." If you're as fascinated with revenge as I am, then I can heartily recommend multiple viewings.

Generous Actress Allows Others To Shine

Being Julia (2004)

Starring: Annette Bening, Jeremy Iron Directed by: Istvan Szabo Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Annette Bening shows off some serious uber-technique in this classy adaptation of mayonnaise-heiress Lilian Hellman's race horse drama Pimlico. Ably assisted by Jeremy Iron (doesn't that sound like an adult film pseudonym?), Bening shows what a generous actress she is, giving up almost every scene to just about anyone else within the camera's frame. May be something of an acquired taste but, like Ms. Hellman's oil-rich spread, it adds just the right piquant touch to that special dish (artichokes, for example). Enjoy!

Fit Brit a Hit in the Cit!

Alfie (2004)

Starring: Judd Law, Marisa Tomei Directed by: Charles Shylock Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review "What's it all about, Alfie? Is it just a game for you?" Alfie, a young ne'er-do-well with a British accent and an attitude to match "macks" on femalia young and old throughout the triborough area only to find that that love is not a game of nine-pins. Instead, it's like golf - he who scores the least, wins the game of hearts. Judd Law (the Breakfast Club) lost about 150 pounds and died his hair blonde to make his comeback and, other than the phony british accent, he's excellent. Rumors are swirling that he may be the next Batman and, after watching this one, I'm on board. God's Speed, Judd!

Bullock Shoots... And Scores Again!

Miss Congenitally 2 (2005)

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Regina King Directed by: John Pasquin Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell... Sandra Bullock! And is she ever terrific in a reprise of her breakout role as Detective Smartypants - an ugly duckling strapped to a bus wired to an atomic bomb and heading straight to Hell. Ms. Bullock (latin for "bull" oddly enough) whose ever-growing subcuteneous pulchritude makes her sexy as a seal pup, is smart enough to know when enough is enough and she stops trying long before the opening crawl is complete. Instead, she sleepwalks through the 191 minutes it takes for Miss Congenitally Part Deux to grind it's way through our hearts, and who can blame her? Not me! Enjoy!

Media Circus

Anchorman (2004)

Starring: Wilf Erroll, Smack Daddy Directed by: Adam McKay Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review When Sir Walter Cronkite intoned those famous words "... And that's the way it Was" I do not believe he had this movie in mind. Anchorman is a foul-mouthed corruption of the ideals of journalism as they were laid down by such luminaries as Edward R. Newman and Edwin Murrow back in the day when the news was more than good hair and gleaming teeth. Then again, it is a comedy. But give me Ted Baxter any day over the the "stylings" of Saturday Night Live alumnus Wilf Erroll and the emasculating sidekick - the finger-licking bad "Smack Daddy." Hollywood has yet to realize that real humor is found neither in tragedy of flatulence nor the exploitation of the wholesome vigor of a young woman's poitrine. Instead, it exists at the confluence where high moral rectitude runs head on into the pitch-black ice-cold, dagger-sharp, brain-rattling, soul-eating wall we call "reality." But then the Hollywood bigshots in their Beaver-skin coats and Bel-Air mansions wouldn't know that, would they?

Nixon In Love

Nixon (1995)

Starring: Sir Laurence Oliver, Joan Allen Directed by: Oliver Stone Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review What pithy and salacious tidbit of information Director Oliver Stone (American Psychotic) had over Sir Laurence Oliver to get him to appear as disgraced President of the United States Richard Nixon may forever remain a mystery, but this much is clear: Oliver was the twentieth century's greatest actor, and perhaps the greatest actor since they have been keeping records. Oliver snuffles, winces, groans, squints, belches and swears his way into our hearts, showing us the humanity behind the bitter, contorted mask that was Tricky Dicky Nixon. Who amongst us can have claimed, before seeing this film, to have known the fevered, almost morbid, passion this dark, paranoid, humpbacked walking-stick (who risked an empire on the fate of a spotted dog) brought to his relationship with pinch-faced asexual "Pat" Nixon (played ably by Joan Allen [The Iced Storm])? As the song says, "Love Is All Around, There is No Need To Waste It." It seems a pity that we had to wait so long to understand that tragic message. Thank you Mssrs. Oliver and Stone. A grateful nation awaits, with bated breath, "Agnew."

Peeing John Malkovich

Being John Malkovich (2001)

	Starring: John Malkovich Directed by: John Malkovich Rating: R Genre: Drama Other
Review Weirdball vanity project in which Malkovich assumes people would pay good money to see what it's like to urinate through his own eyes. If this is art, then bring on the poker-playing canines!

Little Boy Lost

Finding NeverNeverLand (2004)

	Starring: Johnny Depp, Kate Winslet Directed by: Marc Foster Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other
Review Disturbing weeper about a boy with a strange disease that gives him a man's body, but a child's lack of sex drive. Not sure I grasp who the audience for this is, but more power to them if this is the way of life they seek. Probably best to lock the kids away for this one, should you find you or your life partner feel compelled to take a peek.

Jesus Is Just Alright With Me

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

Starring: ZZ Top, Barbra Streisand Directed by: Norman Jewison Rating: UR Genre: Musical Other

Review ZZ Top as Jesus, Fabulous Barbra Streisand as his Mother - Mary - and the New Christy Minstrels as the Disciples, with a score by Classical Maestro Andre Previn and 70's hipster Henry Mancini? Sounds a like a recipe for disaster, but hold onto your communion wafers because this one works it like Tina Turner guesting at a Rolling Stones Concert! The bearded Trolls of Texas turn the Sermon on the Mount into the blues weepfest I can now see it was meant to be, and Streisand belts "I Can Explain" (a little ditty about Jesus' mysterious conception) with both pathos and enough volume to blow a hole right the diaphragm of my (admittedly ancient) Klipschorns. Who'd a thunk it? Highly recommended!

Gameplan For Disaster

Man Of the House (2005)

Starring: Billy Joe Thornton, Cedric The Magician Directed by: Stephen Herek Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review What lugnut thought it was funny to pair up a man as supernaturally ugly as Billy Joe Thornton with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and drop them in the middle of the Super Bowl with a madman who has comandeered a blimp with a thermonuclear device on board and is aiming to take out the state of Texas during the halftime show? Congratulations Hollywood, you have managed to scale unto new heights of irresponsibility, providing every noodnik with a blimp license and a buddy with a physics degree from Saltlick State U. with his own special blueprint for World War III. Pat yourselves on the your collective rumps, you fools, while the rest of us pray this thing is confiscated by the powers that be and locked in an airtight vault a thousand miles under the Washington Monument.

A Ring Too Far

Ring 2: Electric Boogaloo (2005)

Starring: Naomi Watts, Simon LeBon Directed by: Hirayo Miyazi Rating: R Genre: Anime Other

Review Director Miyazi, better known for brilliant childrens' classics like Fat Red Porker and Flitting Away, turns his attention to the dungeons & dragons genre with an animated followup to last year's Lord of the Rings, and with predictably disappointing results. Gone are the obese felines and talking hamsters, replaced by "dark things" in the corner that go boo. I think it's time we gave poor old J.R.R.R. Tolking a break and turned our heads toward happier thoughts. Better to spend the time scrubbing the ring around your tub. (NOTE: I meant that as a joke, but if you do wash your tub with an abrasive cleanser be sure to rinse the ceramic very well or you may find yourself with red welts on your bottomside - I speak with the voice of experience!)

Travolta In One For The Ages

Be Cool (2005)

Starring: John Travolta, Uma Thurmond Directed by: Quentus Tarantino Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review I find myself unable to concoct a catchy metaphor to express my feelings about this dark fable of underworld that is the Entertainment business. I've always felt it was not the place of the reviewer to inject his (or her) personal feelings into a review. But I'm going to break that rule: I believe that twenty, thirty or even fifty years from now people will think about Actor John Travolta in the same way we who live in the first decade of the new century honor Mr Spencer Tracy. Travolta (Phenomenon) is a phenomenon unto himself, a cool, fat sex machine with sleekit hair like an otter and eyes that bore into one's soul like a two-fisted dentist drilling a pair of cheese-soft molars. When he's on the screen, it's as though the light that emanates from his forehead obliterates the cast, the crew, the set, the foliage. One watches and wonders why the film emulsion doesn't drip right off its celluloid backing. What about the film, you ask? What film? All is Travolta. Travolta is all. All doubters will be forced to their knees after this one. I guarantee it. Enjoy!

It Isn't Easy Being A Frog

Men Of Honor (2000)

Starring: Q-Bot Goodman, Jr., Harvey Keitel Directed by: George Tillman, Jr. Rating: R Genre: Drama Other

Review Men Of Honor's blue language will turn away many who should be forced to watch its stark depiction of African-Americans compelled to the bottom of the sea by a military bureacracy that cannot see the man behind the frog-mask. Rapper Q-Bot Goodman, Jr. refuses to dance to his white commander's jig, upping the ante with each perilous league the ship descends on its rendezvous with horror. Finally Harvey Keitel's Captain Queeg lets go of his metal balls long enough to have the upstart crow thrown in the brig. But when the crew begins to suffocate, Goodman is the first to volunteer to don the rubber fish suit and repair the gaping hole that leaves them with only minutes until their nuclear payload blows a opening in the Antartic's ozone layer the size of Antartica. Action, drama and lonely terror-induced buggery all vie for our attention as the precious seconds tick away. I can think of no more honorable way to salute our submariners of all colors than to sit through all three-hundred and forty minutes of this carnival of asphyxiation. Frogmen, We Salute You!

Freeze Baby, Freeze!

The Day After The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Starring: Dennis Quaid, Toby Maguire Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen Rating: PG-13 Genre: Action Other

Review What would happen if the day after the day after tomorrow was really really cold? This provocative setpiece outlining just such a scenario strikes out at every government bureaucrat who ever kept you waiting in line at the DMV even though you had an appointment by showing what would happen if their eyeballs froze (spoiler - they pop!). Grumpy Dennis Quaid sublimates his lack of sexual activity by discovering that pollution has become so bad that the Statue of Liberty will soon be in the middle of an ice cube just like in those acrylic cubes you can buy at the Statue of Liberty. It's all a little farfetched (doesn't anybody remember that ozone in your refrigerator can KILL you?) but lots of fun as folks scurry around like ants trying to convince the evil president "Bosch" and vice-president "Chutney" that they've doomed us all to a future picking oranges in Zihuatenejo. Incredible DVD extras include blooper real of "flubbed" lines (when actors cannot remember their lines or they say them incorrectly or, occasionally, say them too soon or too late before or after another actor's "cue") and thought-provoking mini-documentary on how file-sharing pirates are spreading viruses that give young children cancer.

Mystical Magical Tour of Beantown

Mystic River (2004)

	Starring: Sean Penn, Tim Robbins Directed by: Clint Eastwood Rating: PG Genre: Comedy Other
Review Mayhem ensues when a band of mischievous leprechauns descend upon Boston's Charles River. Can love be far behind?

Grisly Story That Had To Be Told

Real Women Have Curves (2002)

Starring: Charlie Theron, Christina Ricky Directed by: Patty Cardoso Rating: PG-13 Genre: Comedy Other

Review A cautionary tale for any man considering the question: "Do I look fat in these pants?" this grisly docudrama is a technicolor nightmare of man-hate. Theron is brilliant as the hulking ex-wrestler turned deadly performance-artist, hacking her way with a meat cleaver through any man who has the temerity to rape her. One hopes the Justice Department was taking notes because without this kind of film we might never have known the plight of homicidal prostitutes.

Burn Baby Burn!

Ladder 49(2004)

Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, John Travolta Directed by: Jay Russell Rating: PG-13 Genre: Drama Other

Review Ladder 49 (named for the number of steps it takes for a fireman to reach the second story of a burning building) has all of the excitement of Backdraft without the annoying story line. Who hasn't, at one time or another, considered buring down his parents' horrible, boring summer house? Ladder 49 is probably as close as most of you are ever going to get. An experience not to be missed by those who love the mysterious yellow blossom in all its myriad manifestations!

Depravity, Thy Name is Gigli!

Gigli(1958)

Starring: Audrey Hepburn, Marcel Marceau Directed by: Steven Sondheim Rating: G Genre: Musical Other

Review "Gigli, you with the stars in your eyes..." Well, something must have been in her eyes for Audrey Hepburn to allow herself to be sold off to ancient wanker Marcel Marceau by monstrous grandmother Angela Lansbury (Miss Piggy's Grand Aventure). Only Sondheim, that dark atonal weasal of misery could have concocted a story so sordid that it made the angels along 41st Street weep. Gorgeously cinematographed on a backlot Paris-that-never-was, this bright, shiny booger manages to offend all but the most permissive with its constant smirks and chuckles at the misery of women forced by their grandparents' penury to bed disgusting truffle-hogs like Mr. Marceau. Shame apparently is a word unknown in the depraved underground lairs of sophisticated New York showpeople. But, as a citizen of Ohio, I'll take none of it. And neither, I think, will you. Shame!

Put A Cork In It. It's Done!

Sideways (2004)

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Meryl Streep Directed by: Margaret Cho Rating: R Genre: Comedy Other

Review A paean to Sisyphus (the Roman God of Wine), Sideways takes the patient viewer on a journey of few steps but many miles. Fat, ugly wine connoisseur Giamatti (The Andy Kauffman Story) hits the road after vomiting on the last of his mother's treasury notes, hightailing it up to beautiful Napa/Sonoma. There he vomits on waitress Meryl Streep who, obviously nursing some serious issues of her own, finds herself strangely charmed by this hairy fruitbat. Can inebriated Cupid hit the target? I'll leave it to you to find out. Parental Note: You may have to forcefeed them stimulants, but I highly recommend having your kids watch this sobering lesson about the dangers of wine and song.

Dyno-NOT!

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Starring: Crispy Glover, Jon Gries Directed by: Jared Hess Rating: PG Genre: Comedy Other

Review Now is the winter of my discontent as I watch yet another mediocre seventies television show "adapted" for the big screen. Good Times starred the inimitable Esther Rolle (Good Times) as the mother of the loveable, mentally-challenged J.J. whose spastic enthusiasm for life managed to bubble through the tacky sets and creaky vaudeville scripts. From what bibulous nightmare Nike admeister Hess conjured the concept of weirdball Crispy Glover as J.J. is probably best left to his crack team of round-the-clock therapists. Let us pray that this misguided rat pellet disintegrates quickly and we are spared the sight of Christopher Walking donning the legendary guano-stained coat of the master-sleuth Columbo!

The Emperor of the Blown Mind!

Constantine (2005)

Starring: Keenu Reeves,Rachel Weisz Directed by: Francis Laurence Rating: Unrated Genre: Action Other

Review Mr. Keenu Reeves proves once again that he is the one Hollywood actor willing and able to BLOW YOUR MIND! Reeves is fantastic as Constantine, an oddly feckless man who, when he suddenly begins to channel the great former emperor of Constantinople, has powers beyond your imagination. When his friend's sister dies he goes to hell and engages in the best theological debate with Satan since the underrated Little Nicky. Often castigated as a nitwit with a brainpan the size of a triscuit, Reeves fights the good fight as Satan's worst nightmare! Fantastic special effects include a donkey stuck in a tornado and Reeves underpants spontaneously bursting into flames. Looking forward to Reeves always-thought-provoking commentary on the DVD!

Leggo Of My Ego

Olivier's Hamlet (1948)

	Starring: Laurence Oliver, Eileen Herlie Directed by: Laurence Oliver Rating: Unrated Genre: Drama Other
Review Oliver's Hamlet? Pardon me, I thought it was Mr. Shakespeare's Hamlet! If you can manage your way past the man's all devouring ego you'll find Oliver delivers the goods as the naughty Dane with a horrible secret and a heart of gold. Alas, poor York, it's not recommended for children.